I am so scared

[Elocin]

Thanks ladies.

I know I need to take it one day at a time and I know that the odds are on my side. I want to accept it and enjoy my pregnancy. Something is holding me back, I just can't figure out what.

I'm seeing my parents and a big group of friends this weekend, all of which are beside themselves with excitement. I'm dreading it. I'm trying to work out how to convince everyone I'm happy and excited about it. If I can't even get through a phone conversation, how am I going to manage 5 days?

Just how different were the measurements? Maybe we can help reassure you on that one at least.

At my first scan, I was 5w3d (IVF dates) and was measuring 5w. Honestly I wasn't too concerned, it's only a few days and it could be due to late implantation.

At the 2nd scan, they didn't really tell me what dates I was measuring. They were just happy that the yolk sac had appeared and they could see the beginnings of the fetel pole. Everyone is happy with the numbers and the measurements. The sonographer, the IVF nurses I've spoken to since Monday, my FS. I just can't get passed the fact that it's measuring small... it's all I'm focusing on.

I am trying to protect myself, although a very wise lady told me last night, that it doesn't matter if I get attached to it or not... if I lose it, it's gunna hurt. I know there's nothing I can do now, just ride the wave.

And eat some more fertility bun.

It's OK to be scared. (I assume so, anyway, because I was, and my kid turned out pretty good)

Dude, I ate so much of that bun, I'm surprised it's not triplets.

Yeah, your kid is alright. You guys give me hope. Honestly, I look at you and what you went through to get her, and it makes my heart smile.

Jo, I appreciate your offer to answer my questions so very much. You are going through so much yourself, and I love you for offering to open up to me while you're in so much pain.

Cherished, you've given me some good coping strategies which I will definitely use over the weekend. I'll be at the beach, so will definitely take the opp to take some alone time.

Yules, you're right - I'm still on Crinone from my IVF cycle, so adding to everything are these nasty little tubes of progesterone. Thank you

I *know* it will sink in. I know that most pregnancies are fine. I know that the majority of pregnancies end with a gorgeous, screaming baby at the end of it. I just don't know how to accept, that after everything I've been through, I'm going to have a 'normal' pregnancy now...

[Possums]

hi, just wanted to also send you a hug and say I know how hard it is in those early weeks! I was so nervous from week to week, and almost waiting for something to go wrong, especially after a few losses. dates can be out by days early on, i've seen that happen before and things turn out just fine.
I think you are just protecting yourself...and that's why it gets hard when people know, because you still feel so scared and nervous and it's almost hard dealing with other people's excitement and their confidence in it all. I felt a bit like that too this time around all through the first tri etc.
hang in there, just focus on little milestones, week to week. x

[snikkers1]

Oh Hunni, sending you the biggest that I can....

[Cassius2]

I *know* it will sink in. I know that most pregnancies are fine. I know that the majority of pregnancies end with a gorgeous, screaming baby at the end of it. I just don't know how to accept, that after everything I've been through, I'm going to have a 'normal' pregnancy now...

This is the crux of it all babe. the journey to get that BFP was huge, long, emotional and full of obstacles. now that you have that beautiful gorgeous BFP and a baby on board you now have the double whammy of finally letting some joy and happiness in (which funnily enough then lets your mind/body reflect on just what this TTC journey has meant and taken ITMS) and not to forget all the 'normal' worries of early pregnancy after LTTTC.

I was in a similar boat after I got the BFP with Leila. I was *convinced* that there was no way the universe would let me keep this baby as by gosh it was a hard hard road to even fall pregnant so surely someone would get the memo that the pregnancy was also going to hard IYKWIM. i dont really know what advice to give you, other than what it will take is your acceptance that this pregnancy is here and now for you and for that baby: measurements, HCG levels can wait, for right now it's you growing this new beautiful human and no one can take the reality of the here and now away from you

[Elocin]

I was in a similar boat after I got the BFP with Leila. I was *convinced* that there was no way the universe would let me keep this baby as by gosh it was a hard hard road to even fall pregnant so surely someone would get the memo that the pregnancy was also going to hard IYKWIM.

That pretty much sums it up.

I had a ****ty time trying to fall. Obviously, that means I'm going to have a ****ty pregnancy.

I don't know how to change that mentality to 'NORMAL'.

I need to stop focusing on the numbers and the scan results. It's growing. That's what I need to focus on...

[Cassius2]

I need to stop focusing on the numbers and the scan results. It's growing. That's what I need to focus on...

i reckon that's one of the unique parts of the IVF journey...so many scans and BTs after the BFP. scans are a blessing and also are a mega stress! man, i have no idea how big Marta's sac or yolk or that was, being a non IVFer you really only get the option of a dating scan early on (which i didnt take up as FF was my dater lol). and so the only time i saw Marta was the 12 week and 20 week (despite wanting to see her like every day and every week lol!) arrghhhh! it is so hard, you want the scans, but you also truly fear them for what they *might* show ITMS...

[entreat]

((hugs))
That's about all I can add. Everyone is saying such wonderful things, I don't want to mess that up. Xx

[onthefly]

It takes time Elocin. And sometimes it takes a long time. And sometimes you're holding your baby in your arms and you're still not quite there.

Right now, everyone is happy with how your baby is doing. That's good - just for right now.
It's so hard when you do IVF and everyone already knows. They can be excited, it's easy for them, but unlike everyone else who gets to wait to announce it when they feel ready to, you don't get that luxury. Is there any way you can get a message to your family to just let it be for now? Maybe your hubby could speak to your mum and pass on the message?

[Shannon22]

Huge hugs Elocin

I thinks it a protective thing i know with my last round of IVF i knew we were close to the end and i didnt have much left in me to keep going that i was soooo negative to protect myself from the heartache when it didn't work that when i got my BFP i kind of went into hiding for a long time so i could deal with the fact we were pregnant and let myself deal with the emotions and grief and because whilst i was pregnant i was still majorly ****ed i had to go through all the IVF stuff to get here and i still had to take the crinone and drugs and it just sucks sometimes! It does get better but you need to recognize what you are feeling so you can work past it and its still YOUR journey and we all deal with things differently.

Shan

[mellybelly81]

I too empathise with how you're feeling. Having gone through IVF I was worried all the time early on, even though we had the other way around that they kept wanting to make me MORE pregnant than I was (NT scan was measuring 9 days ahead). I am now almost 38 weeks and have had a relatively "easy" pregnancy but am now getting touchy about the end bit. I think many women (IVF or not) probably go through these thoughts at some stage throught their pregnancy, but us IVFers and LTTTCers almost have that stress ingrained.

I agree with PP that we can't say to relax, but just try and do things that you enjoy and might distract you (even a little) from these thoughts (which may in turn help you relax on your own!)