I am so scared

**Possums** · April 20th, 2011, 09:48 AM

hi, just wanted to also send you a hug and say I know how hard it is in those early weeks! I was so nervous from week to week, and almost waiting for something to go wrong, especially after a few losses. dates can be out by days early on, i've seen that happen before and things turn out just fine.
I think you are just protecting yourself...and that's why it gets hard when people know, because you still feel so scared and nervous and it's almost hard dealing with other people's excitement and their confidence in it all. I felt a bit like that too this time around all through the first tri etc.
hang in there, just focus on little milestones, week to week. x

**snikkers1** · April 20th, 2011, 10:09 AM

Oh Hunni, sending you the biggest

that I can....

**Cassius2** · April 20th, 2011, 10:23 AM

I *know* it will sink in. I know that most pregnancies are fine. I know that the majority of pregnancies end with a gorgeous, screaming baby at the end of it. I just don't know how to accept, that after everything I've been through, I'm going to have a 'normal' pregnancy now...

This is the crux of it all babe. the journey to get that BFP was huge, long, emotional and full of obstacles. now that you have that beautiful gorgeous BFP and a baby on board you now have the double whammy of finally letting some joy and happiness in (which funnily enough then lets your mind/body reflect on just what this TTC journey has meant and taken ITMS) and not to forget all the 'normal' worries of early pregnancy after LTTTC.

I was in a similar boat after I got the BFP with Leila. I was *convinced* that there was no way the universe would let me keep this baby as by gosh it was a hard hard road to even fall pregnant so surely someone would get the memo that the pregnancy was also going to hard IYKWIM. i dont really know what advice to give you, other than what it will take is your acceptance that this pregnancy is here and now for you and for that baby: measurements, HCG levels can wait, for right now it's you growing this new beautiful human and no one can take the reality of the here and now away from you

**Elocin** · April 20th, 2011, 10:39 AM

I was in a similar boat after I got the BFP with Leila. I was *convinced* that there was no way the universe would let me keep this baby as by gosh it was a hard hard road to even fall pregnant so surely someone would get the memo that the pregnancy was also going to hard IYKWIM.

That pretty much sums it up.

I had a ****ty time trying to fall. Obviously, that means I'm going to have a ****ty pregnancy.

I don't know how to change that mentality to 'NORMAL'.

I need to stop focusing on the numbers and the scan results. It's growing. That's what I need to focus on...

**Cassius2** · April 20th, 2011, 11:18 AM

I need to stop focusing on the numbers and the scan results. It's growing. That's what I need to focus on...

i reckon that's one of the unique parts of the IVF journey...so many scans and BTs after the BFP. scans are a blessing and also are a mega stress! man, i have no idea how big Marta's sac or yolk or that was, being a non IVFer you really only get the option of a dating scan early on (which i didnt take up as FF was my dater lol). and so the only time i saw Marta was the 12 week and 20 week (despite wanting to see her like every day and every week lol!) arrghhhh! it is so hard, you want the scans, but you also truly fear them for what they *might* show ITMS...

**entreat** · April 20th, 2011, 11:31 AM

((hugs))
That's about all I can add. Everyone is saying such wonderful things, I don't want to mess that up. Xx

**onthefly** · April 20th, 2011, 12:42 PM

It takes time Elocin. And sometimes it takes a long time. And sometimes you're holding your baby in your arms and you're still not quite there.

Right now, everyone is happy with how your baby is doing. That's good - just for right now.
It's so hard when you do IVF and everyone already knows. They can be excited, it's easy for them, but unlike everyone else who gets to wait to announce it when they feel ready to, you don't get that luxury. Is there any way you can get a message to your family to just let it be for now? Maybe your hubby could speak to your mum and pass on the message?

**Shannon22** · April 20th, 2011, 01:08 PM

Huge hugs Elocin

I thinks it a protective thing i know with my last round of IVF i knew we were close to the end and i didnt have much left in me to keep going that i was soooo negative to protect myself from the heartache when it didn't work that when i got my BFP i kind of went into hiding for a long time so i could deal with the fact we were pregnant and let myself deal with the emotions and grief and because whilst i was pregnant i was still majorly ****ed i had to go through all the IVF stuff to get here and i still had to take the crinone and drugs and it just sucks sometimes! It does get better but you need to recognize what you are feeling so you can work past it and its still YOUR journey and we all deal with things differently.

Shan

**mellybelly81** · April 20th, 2011, 01:08 PM

I too empathise with how you're feeling. Having gone through IVF I was worried all the time early on, even though we had the other way around that they kept wanting to make me MORE pregnant than I was (NT scan was measuring 9 days ahead). I am now almost 38 weeks and have had a relatively "easy" pregnancy but am now getting touchy about the end bit. I think many women (IVF or not) probably go through these thoughts at some stage throught their pregnancy, but us IVFers and LTTTCers almost have that stress ingrained.

I agree with PP that we can't say to relax, but just try and do things that you enjoy and might distract you (even a little) from these thoughts (which may in turn help you relax on your own!)

**onthefly** · April 20th, 2011, 01:12 PM

Oh, I forgot to say, DD measured 6 days behind at the first scan.

**Elocin** · April 20th, 2011, 03:13 PM

*warning - 'random thoughts spewing from my brain' kinda post coming up*

I was just thinking then... I was remembering when DH and I were in New York a couple of years ago. I remember sitting on a double decker bus travelling down 5th Avenue, thinking to myself 'You're in New York. Your dream holiday destination. Get excited. Stop being tired and jet lagged and concentrating on the fact that you've got to pack and get to the airport on time in 3 days and enjoy the fact that you're here'.

That's how I feel... I'm too busy concentrating on everything else that's going on and not the fact that I've arrived.

Honestly, the IVF part of the journey was quite smooth for me. I wasn't overly stressed (not all the time anyway), I found the meds easy to take, didn't have many side effects. The build up to starting IVF was horrendous (sp?)... the stress I put myself under landed me at the counsellours office, sobbing uncontrollably because I couldn't physically or mentally pull muself out of the black hole.

I feel at peace with the fact we had to do IVF. And I know now that I *can* get pregnant. It was only my tubes that were the problem. There is no reason to now think anything will go wrong.

I think I might make an appointment to see my counsellor after Easter. Just to help give me that little extra push I need.

It is ok to be scared. Because I honestly can't say I know anyone who has had a baby that wasn't scared. I don't have to jump for joy just yet. But it's ok to acknowledge the fact that I'm pregnant.

This:

is me. Right now.

**OceanPrincess** · April 20th, 2011, 03:36 PM

Well said hun. For a random brain dump, that's a pretty sensible line of thought.

**MummaSue** · April 20th, 2011, 04:22 PM

We'll all be excited for you ok? Until you get there yourself and beyond.

**LionsandBears** · April 20th, 2011, 04:23 PM

I'm not a LTTCer so can't relate to that but I can relate to pregnancy stress, the daily fear, the is this really real or is the universe going to play a big joke on me feeling, checking TP everytime, feeling yourself up to check your boobs still hurt etc, wishing I could go to sleep and wake up when it's time to push.

I don't know if this is the right thing to say here, but I spent the first trimester of my last pregnancy terrified of another mc. I put myself and my family through hell with my constant fears and tears. Holding my son at the end, I regretted that I had wasted that time in misery. It didnt change the outcome at all, it just spoiled some of the time we had together. I try and remind myself of that now, as I go through this pregnancy. I have no control over the outcome. All I can do is eat well, exercise, sleep as much as I can and send lots of positive, loving vibes to the baby. The rest will take care of itself. I also try to stay away from sad stories as I don't need any more reminders. I just need positive vibes.

Learning to let go of the control and fear is hard, but it is possible with practice. I think counselling is a great idea. I'm also finding meditation helpful. It would probably be more helpful is I did it more, but I figure even a little bit helps

Go easy on yourself. Take things daily or hourly if it helps. Maybe tell people you're happy but dont want to talk about it before the 12wk scan or something like that.

**PumpkinZulu** · April 20th, 2011, 04:33 PM

You're totally right. Be in the moment babe, it's all you can do. I have been there, and I'm here to chat if you need. We used to talk so much, we both kind of stopped when I fell, I'm sorry

I'm here to help you through whenever you need.

**Elocin** · April 20th, 2011, 07:25 PM

OP, I'm glad my rambling made sense

MummaSue, you have so helpful and fabulous throughout this whole process. I remember one of the first PMs I ever sent you saying 'you'll be hearing a lot from me'... I'm so glad I kept badgering you

Tash, thank you so much for sharing that piece of your heart. I'm sorry for your pain, but am so thankful that you are willing to share your journey.

PZ, we're ok hun

Man, I feel SO much better tonight. Like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders...