Possums, my DH won't allow me to see him in pain very often - i can see it in his eyes, but he won't openly grieve unless i have fallen apart and have pretty much walked away from him cos i think he's not there for me. i know he feels the pain, but he won't express it at all as he feels he needs to be strong for me. i don't agree, but hey, i can't change who he is! the only time he allows me to see him vulnerable is about his parents, and his dogs - because that is HIS pain and i can be the strong one then - when it's OUR pain, he tries to be my rock - sometimes i need him to be soft and squishy and not so rock-like though...
BG- thanks for sharing that. I think DH tries to be strong too. I think sometimes it's also a case of 'men are from mars...' and very different ways of expressing emotions. He also can't understand/sometimes gets frustrated when I start talking about the same emotions over and over again..it's like I need to keep venting, and he's like "yes, but I already know all this stuff"...and i think feels frustrated because he can't 'fix it' for me and just doesn't know what else to say. Fortunately we are able to talk about these differences more now, after our years together and that openess helps. I am also fortunate I have a wonderful mum and a few close girlfriends who can be more emotional with me. And I also have BB to help.
Possums, miscarriages always effect women much more than men. After our third, I got into a huge fight with DH (BG may remember me summoning her from bed at around 1am in absolute hysterics afterwards!) because I had a huge go at him about not caring. I'd just lost another baby, and he was happily continuing on as though life wasn't different... When all was said and done and we were calmer, he explained that in the early stages it's just not "real" to him. Our first was a bit more real as he'd seen a flickering speck on an ultrasound screen, but the next two we lost before we even got to a scan. Even this baby had very little sense of reality to him until I began to show and he could feel movement from the outside.
Perhaps it may be worth letting him know that you realise that he can't fix this for you, but sometimes you just need him to listen and give you a hug and let you cry... Being clear on what you need from him will help you work through this together.
Oh Possums, I am so very, very sorry for the loss of your precious baby . That is heartbreaking news, I was so hoping that those hcg results didn't indicate something wrong. Miscarriage is just an awful experience, and people often can't understand how deep the hurt goes.
My DH also reacted differently to me, and I thought he didn't care sometimes. But in later discussions we've had he told me that his heart was broken by it, and he had become very depressed. I think they just express things differently, and when their wives are devastated, sometimes they tend to go inside themselves and not show much on the outside.
I am so sorry, I wish there was something I could do to make this better for you. Life can be so unfair. I'm thinking of you hun.
Thanks so much everyone, for the support, words of advice. It helps knowing other husbands also deal with this things differently to their partners!
DH and I are both staying at my mum's this weekend...and to be honest, he's been more there for me this time. I think, as some of you have suggested, I have actually told him more what I need this time, which has certainly helped...and he's good now and listening and nodding and then giving me a hug ...without always trying to find a 'solution'...when there really isn't one. Plus my mum is a fantastic support.
BW- my DH said the same thing when I had the ectopic (and also one in my uterus)...it never felt quite real to him, because that time we didn't ever see a heartbeat at an early scan....we only had a scan once I realised there were problems...this time though, it has felt much more real to him, after two scans seeing that flickering heartbeat.
Devon- same with my DH....often in later discussions I realise how much he has cared been upset...but he just doesnt express it at the time. He has even expressed more grief, today than yesterday (possibly because I was an absolute mess all day yesterday).
We've also decided we might take a week off in November and just chill out by the beach or something.
I think one of the hardest things for me is feeling not only sorrow and loss, but anger and resentment at other women who have children easily, suffer no miscarriages/ectopic and certainly don't go through IVF etc. Our year has bounced from one of those things to the other and back again. I know being bitter and angry isn't healthy and I have to let it go...I guess with a bit more time I will find a calmer acceptance and just get on with it again. I seem to recall I went through this when I lost the babies and my natural fertility in one sudden swoop in March....and I did move forward again and the anger and resentment did fade as time went on...with only flare ups every now and then... I just also hope there is nothing wrong with me that has caused this.
On a more physical note, I have started brownish light bleeding today. I hope I do miscarry naturally in coming days and don't have to go through another curette. I'll be glad when my pregnancy symptoms (sore boobs etc) dissapear...they are a constant reminder of those loss. And I hate the feeling of carrying around something which has now died.
Sorry for this very long post! This is just a good outlet for me, and you are all so understanding.
Emma.
Oh Emma I do understand the resentment sweetie hang in there gald you are at your Mums My DH is another find a solution man and don't show emation but I know it hurts him inside always here if you need me
Possums - I just got back from my long weekend away. My heart is breaking. This is just so unfair. I really wish that I knew the right things to say, but I don't. So what I will say is that I am thinking of you, your DH and your beautiful little angel. I am sending you all my love and praying for you to get through this terrible time.
I too have a DH who likes to "fix" all my problems. They want to take your pain away from you, when what you really need is to feel that pain, as horrible as it is, in the safety of their arms.
You have every right to feel resentment about how difficult this journey is for you and how easy it is for other people. I think we have all felt that.
I am here should you need to talk. Take the time that you need to grieve and to heal. We are all here for you.
I go in for a curette in the morning.... then at least this part will be physically over. I dread returning to work and facing people...in fact I am having trouble dealing with the prospect of all that lies ahead. We will however resume IVF as soon as we can ( I think I'll need to wait till I have a natural period next month) because otherwise we are in limbo waiting anyway. So I am coping...just. Tears roll in and out at odd times.
Hope you are all doing OK. I'll keep checking in on you to see how your pregnancies are going, even though I will soon return to the LTTC thread.... hopefully I'll be back in here in a relatively short space of time. All we can do is hope for that really, even though sometimes it's hard to be positive at all.
Possums, sending you huge hun. I am so sorry that you're having to go through this, and that you now have to have a curette. I hope that tomorrow goes as smoothly as it can and that physically you are OK. I hope that you're able to take some time off work, and don't have to hide how you're feeling.
I wish you every success with returning to IVF as soon as you can, and hope to see you back in here really soon.
Thanks, home resting now, curette is done thankfully.
It sounds like, due to Christmas looming and having to wait until my body has a natural period, that we won't be able to resume IVF until Jan 09. I know it gives time to recover, but to be honest it feels like ages away to me, life is a limbo waiting...and so many things have gone on hold throughout 2008 already, and the same will now happen into next year. Emotionally, physically and financially it is a huge strain....and makes it hard for life to feel normal because it revolves around this. Part of me would like to start immediately...so that while there is pain and loss now, at least we are already working towards hope for the future....but looks like that start will now be more than 2 months away.
If anyone has any words of wisdom from having been in the same head space I am right now and coming out the other side...let me know
Possums - i have had to have long delays in treatment because of clinic timing (being regional) - and as hard as it was at the time, to be honest, NOT focussing on TTC for a while is actually really good for your head space long term. i've found that the first couple of weeks are just painful - you're grieving, and wanting to move forward. then you realise that you're doing ok, you're dealing with the pain, and you're enjoying life a little more each day. over Christmas, you can relax. you can focus on being with DH, your extended family (if that is what you want) and just being YOU - not the you that is TTC, the YOU that you were before you started all of this. right now, it's not what you want - nothing about this is what you want. but giving yourself time to emotionally heal is well worth the time. allow you and DH to BE you and DH - not just two people going through IVF
FWIW - i got AF after stim cycle 10 days before Christmas last year, and couldnt go through FET until the very end of Feb so i had to deal with the pain over Christmas. it was still raw, we were approaching and EDD, and it hurt like hell for a while - but when it came to me starting the next cycle in Feb, i was in a much better head space - i'd been able to deal with all the crap i was carrying, and went into the next cycle with a positive outlook about what would be. i went into the next cycle refreshed and ready to embrace the embies we put back as new life, not replacements for our lost angels. as you know, we didn't have sticky success until very recently, but being forced to wait at least four weeks between every cycle was a positive thing for me to heal emotionally. i guess not carrying "fresh" grief into each cycle helped me to be a more positive person. coming off two early miscarriages going into the last cycle, i NEEDED that time to heal - and now i'm glad i was able to deal with that pain first....
BG- thanks for taking the time to share and explain all that to me...it does make sense, and I realise, once I have moved past this raw stage I will also feel the benefits. I think it's the feeling so totally out of control all the time I find hardest (and I am a control freak!...a totally driven type of person....and boy, has the TTC/pregnancy losses experience being teaching me lessons!!).
What you said about the embies being new life, rather than replacing lost angels struck a chord with me. Looking back, after the ectopic etc in March, we were forced to have a break before starting IVF, due to me recovering after the tube removal etc...so I had forced recovery/grieving time then too..and by the time IVF came around we were ready to go (even though back then I also wished we could have started immediately!).
To be honest, at the moment I don't now how to be the old Me, and experience the old DH and I together....I seem to have lost things things and become defined by this....maybe I need to work on reconnecting with those things, like you say. I have also had to stop doing some competitive sport during this year, due to the cycles etc...which I have really missed...so in little, as well as all the obvious ways, it's had a huge impact on the way I have been living my life.
I know this isnt probably the right thread to be doing all this venting in! I also know many of you have journeyed for much longer than me to reach your pregnancies... I guess I am just raw right now....so thanks for reading and supporting....
Possums, after my first miscarriage in July last year, my FS sent me to see a psychologist and enforced a break. I didn't get back into things October...
It was painful having to take a break, but in hindsight it was desperately needed. I hated my FS at the time, but I did realise that he was doing the right thing by me in doing what he did... Might have been nice if he'd been a bit more gentle about things, though.
It sounds very much like a break to reconnect with yourself and DH would be very much in order - try to embrace it as a period of healing and personal growth rather than seeing it as a delay in IVF treatment.
And you can't compare pain. I'm really sorry that you have to go through this, but don't try to minimise things by saying other people have been through worse or longer. You need to accept your own pain, and if you try to push it aside, it will come back to bite you later.
Hi girls
Sorry been MIA been abit busy.
Possums: Everything you are feeling and going through is perfectly normal. Yes men deal so differently, i went through this with DH when i had the ectopic and it wasnt till weeks later and i was upset and hed had a few drinks that he shared his true feelings with me he talked of plans for weddings and the future, things i hadnt even gone into. They just want you and everything to be OK and its not.
As for the inforced break it was this time last year after the ectopic they wouldnt let me go again till after the new year, i was so bitter and resentful, i just wanted to jump back in and it felt like the clinic who had backed me all the way had deserted me when i needed them the most. In hindsight (oh isnt it a wonderful thing) it was the best thing, i needed to clear my head, clear my body of all the drugs and pregnancy hormones and re connect and realise that there is more to life than TTC, i relaxed over chiristmas, had a few drinks and oysters and was raring to go in the new year. Im not saying its easy now because it really is so hard ! Possums this probably is just the right thread for you we know exactly how you are feeling and truly sending you a heartfelt hugs and thoughts! Take care.
I just also hope there is nothing wrong with me that has caused this.
Yup, speaking from sad experience there.
that he shared his true feelings with me he talked of plans for weddings and the future, things i hadnt even gone into. They just want you and everything to be OK and its not. 
and was raring to go in the new year. Im not saying its easy now because it really is so hard ! Possums this probably is just the right thread for you we know exactly how you are feeling and truly sending you a heartfelt hugs and thoughts! Take care.
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