Possums, miscarriages always effect women much more than men. After our third, I got into a huge fight with DH (BG may remember me summoning her from bed at around 1am in absolute hysterics afterwards!) because I had a huge go at him about not caring. I'd just lost another baby, and he was happily continuing on as though life wasn't different... When all was said and done and we were calmer, he explained that in the early stages it's just not "real" to him. Our first was a bit more real as he'd seen a flickering speck on an ultrasound screen, but the next two we lost before we even got to a scan. Even this baby had very little sense of reality to him until I began to show and he could feel movement from the outside.
Perhaps it may be worth letting him know that you realise that he can't fix this for you, but sometimes you just need him to listen and give you a hug and let you cry... Being clear on what you need from him will help you work through this together.
Oh Possums, I am so very, very sorry for the loss of your precious baby . That is heartbreaking news, I was so hoping that those hcg results didn't indicate something wrong. Miscarriage is just an awful experience, and people often can't understand how deep the hurt goes.
My DH also reacted differently to me, and I thought he didn't care sometimes. But in later discussions we've had he told me that his heart was broken by it, and he had become very depressed. I think they just express things differently, and when their wives are devastated, sometimes they tend to go inside themselves and not show much on the outside.
I am so sorry, I wish there was something I could do to make this better for you. Life can be so unfair. I'm thinking of you hun.
Thanks so much everyone, for the support, words of advice. It helps knowing other husbands also deal with this things differently to their partners!
DH and I are both staying at my mum's this weekend...and to be honest, he's been more there for me this time. I think, as some of you have suggested, I have actually told him more what I need this time, which has certainly helped...and he's good now and listening and nodding and then giving me a hug ...without always trying to find a 'solution'...when there really isn't one. Plus my mum is a fantastic support.
BW- my DH said the same thing when I had the ectopic (and also one in my uterus)...it never felt quite real to him, because that time we didn't ever see a heartbeat at an early scan....we only had a scan once I realised there were problems...this time though, it has felt much more real to him, after two scans seeing that flickering heartbeat.
Devon- same with my DH....often in later discussions I realise how much he has cared been upset...but he just doesnt express it at the time. He has even expressed more grief, today than yesterday (possibly because I was an absolute mess all day yesterday).
We've also decided we might take a week off in November and just chill out by the beach or something.
I think one of the hardest things for me is feeling not only sorrow and loss, but anger and resentment at other women who have children easily, suffer no miscarriages/ectopic and certainly don't go through IVF etc. Our year has bounced from one of those things to the other and back again. I know being bitter and angry isn't healthy and I have to let it go...I guess with a bit more time I will find a calmer acceptance and just get on with it again. I seem to recall I went through this when I lost the babies and my natural fertility in one sudden swoop in March....and I did move forward again and the anger and resentment did fade as time went on...with only flare ups every now and then... I just also hope there is nothing wrong with me that has caused this.
On a more physical note, I have started brownish light bleeding today. I hope I do miscarry naturally in coming days and don't have to go through another curette. I'll be glad when my pregnancy symptoms (sore boobs etc) dissapear...they are a constant reminder of those loss. And I hate the feeling of carrying around something which has now died.
Sorry for this very long post! This is just a good outlet for me, and you are all so understanding.
Emma.
Oh Emma I do understand the resentment sweetie hang in there gald you are at your Mums My DH is another find a solution man and don't show emation but I know it hurts him inside always here if you need me
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I just also hope there is nothing wrong with me that has caused this.
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