Warning... long streaming ramble of many topic changes...

So, over the last week, i sat down and thought, ok, let's get educated on everything i don't yet know, or remember and let's get me feeling confident about the rest of my pregnancy.
And i've done that, i got addicted to spending so much time here on BB, I've read my 'what to expect when you're expecting book' inside out, and for jokes watched the 'pregnancy for dummies' video until i could quote line for line... Alright so that's an exaggeration, but i still feel so lost, and scared.
I've spent most of yesterday and today, just trailing over all the forums and blogs, reading everyone's stories and experiences, the trials and tribulations... Whilst enlightening, heartwarming and making me want the next five months to get the hell out of the way so i can hold little precious bubs in my arms, it's making me so terrified!
I'm sure today's an off-colour day for me emotionally, mostly because it started out in tears because there was no milk left, and maybe, just maybe this feeling of dread, will ease up and move on, but it's just whoa, ohmygosh how the hell am i ever going to do this, mindblowing.
...and then i think, uh-oh what's going to happen when i've been in labour for six hours and start screaming 'i don't wanna do it anymore' (ahh, mum's favourite tease on me, as that's what she said during my birth)...
I guess starting at the ante-natal clinic next week will be good, maybe she'll be able to send me in the right direction of young mothers groups, and the like so i can try and feel a little more settled. Maybe the extra support from the midwife herself will help, instead of relying on either mum, 100kms away, or my DF to understand how i'm feeling. I guess i should look into trying to find a way for DF to have a bit of a play with a bub. Maybe my aunty will let me babysit for a few hours. DF has never even held a newborn before, so i'm nervous of how he's going to react!
I also was very depressed from about week nine to sixteen of my pregnancy, and am starting to worry how i'll cope with a baby, i adore them, and i want this baby, i want to give it all the love and affection in the world, i just don't trust my own anxiety at the moment, and am starting to fear post-natal depression.
I've always been very precious about body-related matters, so i'm already not looking forward to the birth, i started thinking about maybe getting a birth attendant today. I know i'd feel more comfortable having someone else that i'd spoken with there with me. I think there's only so much support DF and my midwife can offer me, and i think a birth attendant would be really good for me to talk to and so on and so forth.
Starting to wonder if mum's going to want to be there with me, i really really don't want her to be, and am feeling nervous about telling her that already. Mind you i shouldn't stress, it's going to be an effort for her to make it to the hospital with the boys and newborn twins to worry about, so i should probably stop stressing.
I'm not quite sure what it is i'm afraid of, i just know that i am, and maybe it's just built up anxiety. Maybe it's the anxiety making me unable to sleep, and maybe its the lack of sleep making me worry...
Hmmmm....

Thanks for listening!
Love Ashlea