Big drama with my mum any suggestions?

[becky23]

Ok this is a bit of a long story I hope I can make it make sense.

Last year my cousin gave birth to her little girl Mayson and she had he mother my aunty in with her which was what she wanted, but now in a way wishes she hasn't.

Anyhow, because of the above probably more so than anything my mother wants to be present at the birth of my baby. This is something I really REALLY don't want to happen for more than 1 reaon a) I would not feel comfortable having her in the room or any relative for that matter and b) well a bit hard to explain but my mother is a bit of a controlling type person and I can only imagine how annoying she would be.
I guess my question is how do I tell her I don't want her there without hurting her feelings.

Also, as this is DH and my first little bubby I really want the whole birth and bonding to just be the 3 of us I would like to have a few hours at least a) to bond and be with my baby b) to learn to breastfeed in private c) chances are Ill be tired

The problem being DH has quite the opposite feelings about the whole siutaion i,e he wants to ring everyone the moment I go into labour what do I do this is not what I want and DH and well Mum and everyone else will probably just think I am being selfish.

Has anyone else had this problem!? How did you deal with it?

[Antheia]

Hi,

Sorry, i am not going to be much help as i asked my mum to go in with me then when the pain started getting bad i asked her to leave because she wouldnt stop talking! She didnt argue the point. Maybe just tell her your feelings and see what happens? Same with your DH. Its your labor so you have the right to whose there and who knows.

[Alan]

Hi Bec

i can understand your problem. What I like to do is talk to mum on her own during booking in or at antenatal classes and discuss this sort of problem. When I find a problem like yours ( and it is quite common) I tell mum to blame me. i tell her to say that the Midwife will only allow the babies father into the labour ward. Have a talk with your Midwife and she what she/he has to say.

[Antheia]

Hey i like that one Alan! lol

[BellyBelly]

I've written an article about this on the main site with Psychologist Daniel Chable, https://www.bellybelly.com.au/birth/...support-people

[Fi]

I think both you and your DH have good points. I personally wanted my mum to know exactly what was going on and when it was happening, but there was NOOOO way she was coming in with me! Ewww - imagine mum seeing me naked!
As it turned out, I was induced and Mum flew over about 3 days earlier (from NZ) and ended up being there through almost the whole thing. I actually found her support invaluable, and didn't feel at all embarrassed when the epidural was going in, or going through contractions, and she only left when they started trying to turn Jenna by hand (she was posterior). She stayed through all my internals, but actually just averted her eyes. She was very quiet, and didn't annoy me at all.
Look - I think at the end of the day, you have to be comfy, and know the environment you are going into will be a safe one for you to give birth. But what I;m saying is dont write off your mum. They have been through this too, and my mum was a huge support, and now has a very special bond with her 4th granddaughter. She ven held her before I did. Can you let her know you want to keep your options open?

Well my brother had his baby 5 weeks before me, and we didn't get a phonecall until about 18hrs after the baby was born. My mum was away on business, but had her mobile on her, and my brother couldn't even clal her to tell her the news. He told my father, but decided he wouldn't make the cost of calling an international mobile. How crap is that. I have to say - mum will never forgive him. Of course everything is fine between them, but she will always remember how low donw on his priority list she was.

As for teh family thing - well I specifically asked for no visitors in hossy, and only had my mum, shane and debbie come and see me (plus a couple of others by accident, not that I was grumpy about it ) It meant I could feel daggy and not worry about people looking at my clothes, my hair etc, and it gave me time to wind down. Hossy is crappy anyway without needing other people around!!

So in a long way of saying it - I recommend you make your intentions clear to everyone now, but keep your options open. Tell mum - I'm not sure I want you there, but can you keep your phone beside you. Oh - and I have THE most emotionally draining mum in the world.... the most controlling, judgemental, annoying etc. But she really was wonderful.

Good luck,
Fi

[Liz]

That's a good one about blaming the midwife! I don't think my mum really wants to be there, I think she'll be waiting outside tho, so we'll be calling her as soon as we go to the hospital. I'll be happy having her on hand should I want her, but I doubt I will.

How's this for weird (twisted if you ask me) my SIL had her 2 brothers in there with her with her first. LOL. The midwives said "oh, it's unusual to have uncles in at the labour!" I'm sure her younger brother still hasn't got over the experience (he was around 22 I think) coz when you say anything about him being there at the birth he just cringes and looks really embarressed! No brother should see his sister like that.. it's just WRONG!! My bro is the LAST person I'd ever ask to come in.

Becky - you just be as selfish as you like, it's your labour, and I'm sure we're not going to be in any mood to put up with other people in the room. If my mum came in, I'd probably be trying my hardest to hide the pain so she didn't worry! I think we need to be as comfy as possible, and for me that'll be with just DH & the midwives. I wouldn't let her keep thinking there's a possibility of her being there tho if it's not going to happen. I'd get it over with now if I were you.

Good luck!

[narelle]

Becky23 - i agree with you! i think the whole baby experience is a private thing with you and your hubby.
I had a elective ceasar with my 1st daughter (due to a really tragic family history of natural deliveries). Once i went into recovery i phoned my mum and dad to tell them (they were actually off to melbourne for the day and didn't know i was having the baby, so what a shock they go) and then phoned everyone else about 2 hours later once i was settled back in my room. lucky, we had sooooo many visitors very soon after the phone calls had finished. everyone just come in, they didn't even check if visitors were allowed so it was a bit out of control on day 1.
Even if i had a natural delivery i wouldn't have my mum in the delivery suite, not cause i don't love her, but because of the whole "mum thing".
I'm having another ceasar with our 2nd child in 4 weeks. we have actually had to tell mum and dad this time, we need them to look after our daughter but are not telling anyone else, it's just a nice surprise to get "the phone call". we are also going to tell them no visitors until the evening or on day 2 and we are going to blame the doctor, just our little secret though!!!!
maybe after a couple of hours in labour phone and tell who you want but ask them not to come in until after your ring with news of the arrival.
i hope you and your hubby can agree!!!
take care

[sushee]

becky,

my mum wants in too! Lol! The first few times she mentioned it, I tried to change the subject. But finally I realised she completely meant it, I jokngly mentioned how I didn't think I could take having her there, and that it was kinda embarrassing for me. She seemed confused by this, but when I insisted it was going to make me uncomfortable, she let it go.

Good luck with it becky. I hope you resolve it with your mum.

love
sushee

[kazz30]

I love what Alan said.

I totally agree with you, it is a very personal, private experience between you and DH and you should have the choice whether you want anyone else in there other than the OB/midwife and DH of course. You and DH should have time after the birth to bond with your baby before everyone comes in to see all of you.

Maybe try and explain to your mum that as much as you do love her and that you don't mean to sound mean or anything but you would really love for it to be just you and DH in the delivery room., that you would feel more comfortable this way as this is your first baby and would prefer it this way.

I know for myself I didn't want my mum with me when I gave birth to Nicholas and I don't want her in there again this time around.

Basically what it comes down to is its you who is in labour and giving birth to your baby and you need to feel as comfortable as possible., because if you are feeling stressed and uncomfortable during labour that won't help you or bubs in the long run.

Good luck.

[kas]

I had my DH and my mum with me. Mainly for support for DH. I don't feel overly comfortable with male dr's and DH really hates the thought so mum was there to help him as much as me and as i did end up having a male OB a few times during labour and at the end, It was good that mum was there to help him and support him in his uncertainty- he is just so protective and didn't even like it with this pg when a female did an internal u/s at the IVF clinic. I guess it just one of those things!

Anyway mum told me if at any time i wanted her to leave she would but she stayed back unless i needed her and wasn't up looking at everything IYKWIM. I actually to my surprise told her to look when bubs crowned....why i don't know but she was being very polite and not looking until i told her to....I guess the adrenilan kicked in and i didn't care what she was seeing :-k

I am sure she would love to come in again but has not mentioned it.

On the other hand my SIL is due a few weeks after me and she told her mum the same this time as last....thereis no way you are coming in as she is far to squemish. Last time she waited in waiting room and she will do the same this time i think.

I don't plan on ringing people when i am induced except for mum and dad and my bro/SIL and best friend. Everyone else can just wait until we have had time to meet the little guy and get settled except for DH's mum we will tell her and she can pass it on to his siblings.

I say go with your gut feeling. you never know it may change it may not, labour does strange things to ones mind.

[mbear]

Hi Becky,

I too understand your concerns. I personally wanted my mum in the room with DH and i cause A) she's a nurse B) she's my best friend. BUT in saying that, whilst mum was great and gave me great support ("push, good girl, push") she left the room when our DD head appeared, as she respected mine and DH privacy welcoming in our new Daughter. Could you suggest this??

[BellyBelly]

One thing that is important to consider here though that if she feels pressured or isn't sure about her mother being in there with her and feels anxious at the birth, it's only going to slow or stall her labour. I think you need to choose what you feel sure of, the article has some great tips on how to talk to them and perhaps even say, at the moment this is how I feel and I will let you know if that changes - after all, the most important thing here is what makes mum feel most comfortable in labour for it to progress well and have the best possible outcome.

[Jennifer13]

Hi Becky

I completely understand your situation, not only do I have a Mum who wants to be involved, my MIL is even more pushy on the issue. I used a comment I found here on bellybelly (thanks Kelly!) to tell them firmly how I felt:

"No one that wasn't present at the conception is going to be at the birth, unless they are medically necessary!"

That kind of lightened the mood on the message too. That then extended to MIL saying she wanted to come and "wait downstairs" while I was in labour. I told DP I didn't want this and that if she was going to insist then I didn't want her told when we go into labour. DP kind of argued the point on telling her, so instead of leaving it up to him I told MIL firmly that I didn't want anyone at the hospital distracting DP (she had some kind of idea that he'd come and have a cup of tea with her when he needed a break - what the??? I said he gets a break when I get a break!) and if she wasn't going to respect my wishes on this one then we definitely wouldn't call her when we went to the hospital.

THEN I asked Mum if she could come down beforehand and stay and then go to MILs while I'm in hospital (they are friendly). That way, since Mum is more likely to listen to me without argument MIL will have to go along with what we want as well. Unfortunately I opened a whole other can or worms with Mum 'cause she's bringing down her 3 year old foster-daughter, etc, etc, but we won't go into that.

Oh, and I told them both visiting hours were 3-4pm and 7-8pm (true) and nobody but DHs are allowed in outside of that. So if I give birth close to that time but don't want to see anyone, they'll have to come the next day. DP has agreed to do whatever I want, but we have had several fights about not showing 'favouritism' to my Mum over his. Grrrr... :fuming:

All in all, what I'm trying to say is try to get your DH to see your point of view. You could try telling him that often with first babies when you think labour has started, it stops, or it goes on and on and on. Also, you might go into labour in the middle of the night and you can't ring then. If anyone was to come to the hospital, they won't be allowed in if you don't want them so that would only mean hours and hours waiting with nothing to do. Much better for them to be at home and you to call afterwards.

Let us know how you go. It might help me get it right in March!

[Felix]

Hi Becky,

I wouldnt feel bad at all about not wanting your mum present. I think it largely depends on the kind of relationship you have with your mum.

Unfortunately my mum wouldnt be helpful at all and I think she would stress me out. I have already made a decision to have only DH in with me in the labour and to not contact anybody (apart from DH) until after giving birth.

Im pretty big on having time with DH and baby before visitors come to hospital so DH will be asking people not to come in til 2nd day.

I say do what you feel comfortable with. good luck.

[Bec]

hi

I am sorta in the same situation as you.

My mum was with my sister with both her births and I am just not sure about it. I think it would be nice as I am close to my mum, but her seing me naked is something i am not comfortable with.

But if I tell her that she will be most upset and I dont want to upset her either. I have been meaning to ask my sister questions when she was in labour and go from there.

Also my inlaws want to be notified when I go into labour and also want to wait at the hospital while I am in labour lol

Good luck with your decision

Bec

[Beckibee]

Becky..... I was there all of 12 days ago.

The absolute best advice I can give you is to do what I DIDN'T do...be upfront and honest with your Mum. I wanted my sister & my DH in with me and my sister brought it up with my Mum several months before I was due.

I've never had a good relationship with my Mum and didn't feel like I would be comfortable with my Mum in the room while I was in labour. Mum 'seemed' ok with it all, I allowed her to visit while I was in early labour once the epidural was in place and I felt in control.

Unfortunately, it went downhill from there. Mum went off shopping for a few hours and returned (without my knowledge) to the hospital right when it was time for me to push. Instead of returning to the waiting room where she had been instructed to wait during labour; she stood at the entrance to the room with only the drawn curtain between us.

She did this KNOWING how I felt; particularly upsetting as I had felt very comfortable and balanced/in control with just the midwife with my sister & DH by my side. Everytime my sister or DH were quiet in their coaching/encouragement; my Mum would pipe up with some statement like 'you're doing so well!'. Seriously, the midwife commented that my BP went up everytime my mother made some comment. In the end, her mobile went off and she got yelled at by both my sister & DH!

My mum is domineering and just couldn't understand why I didn't want her there. It didn't occur to her that after having an ordinary relationship for the last 10-15 years; why I wouldn't suddenly want her involved. She felt it wasn't 'normal' for her daughter to not want her present at the birth of her child.

After that long saga, I guess my advice is that you are direct and honest...I wish I had been. She might get upset, might feel hard-done-by but that's her problem. The birth of your child is about you and your DH; not about your mother. If you feel you're most comfortable without her there, then follow your gut instinct.

Besides, if you're upfront and honest and she does turn up and try and be involved; you can ask the hospital staff for support to keep her out of the room.

Best of luck!

[becky23]

Oh bec you poor thing I would never forgive my mother!
How is little maddy doing?

My mum and I have a pretty good relationship but not to the point where I would feel comfortable with her in the room with my while in labour or nakard or anything. It was bad enough the day I got my period for the first time ahhh we so wont go there though!

I don't suppose I care to much if they are in the waiting room but I really don't see the point because well lets face it this is our first bubba labour could be hours and then after that I want family time just the 3 of us I want to b/f bubba if I can and then he will have to be weighed etc

But if they are happy to wait and not interfere then I don't care so long as DH doesn't get all proud father and want to show his son of straight away before all of the above, sometime I think it would be easier if he wasn't even there, but I really want him to be