Advice please- how can I focus on what's important?

[glenny_c]

Girls, after a mini breakdown last night and a long talk with DH this morning I have come to the conclusion that I am focusing WAY too much on my baby's birth and not enough on the reason we're doing all of this- finally being able to bring a healthy baby home!
I have a dream birth in my mind, I have it all mapped out, how it's going to happen etc. I don't think this is a bad thing, it keeps me focussed but I think I have to let go a little and realise that my dream birth may not happen and if it doesn't- that's OK!
To be honest- I think I have been caught up with the opinions of some people on bb that intervention and medical opinions are to be avoided at all costs. I still want to do as much of this birth on my own as possible and I want to trust my body and let it do it's job but at the end of the day, my world isn't going to end if I need drugs or if the doctor has to intervene.
My biggest fear is that I won't be able to let go and if the birth doesn't go the way I want that it may impact our first few days together. I don't want to be focussed on anything other than our new bundle , I certainly don't want to be wasting time mourning the "perfect" birth. I don't meant his to be offensive to those of you who have had to deal with traumatic births- I am not talking about that at all, I understand that in those cases the grief is very real and HAS to be dealt with. I'm just talking about my idea of "perfect".
I don't know if any of this makes any sense. I know I'm rambling a bit. I certainly don't mean that I want to give up control of my birth, but I think there's a bit of a feeling with some people in bb that doctors are bad and only out for themselves. I realised that I don't think that about my OB, he may be a bit old fashioned and not have the best bedside manner but I truly believe that he is working in our best interests.

So- after that long ramble, this is what I'm asking. Have any of you got ideas for things I can do in the next few weeks to focus more on the joy of finally bringing our baby home rather than spending all my time focussing on the birth itself?

[OceanPrincess]

Big hugs glenny!!!

Just a quick suggestion from me - do you have any parenting books?? That might help you think about what is coming after the birth... Like Baby Love, the Science of Parenting, Kid-Wrangling?

What about all the clothes and things for bubs - all washed and put away? You could do some sorting, imagine your little bundle in them?

Baby's room organized?

Just a few ideas... Good luck hun!

[littlelara]

I get where you're coming from, and to some extent I agree. I think as long as you educate yourself and are empowered there's no reason to regret whatever happens next. We went from hypnobirthing to epi with our first, but I was still so proud of myself.
I watched an oprah once talking about what you wish someone had told you (if I'd known then what I know now kind of thing) and it prompted me to write letters to my babies outlining those things for them (for when they're older, obviously). It really made me feel like a mum for the first time. Oh, and I made them each a blanket.
Does any of that help? Try not to stress. I think for most of us once that baby is in your arms the rest goes out the window

[KitFaerie]

Just chat to your bubba, tell them no matter how birth goes you'll love them and you'll get through it together I find when I get stuck on certain things that if I focus on Tiger it all comes back into perspective. And you seriously are doing an awesome job Glenny, your bubs will be/is very happy

[Arcadia]

I think that third trimester is all about birth in many ways, so I don't essentially think there is anything wrong with thinking about birth...afterall it is a life changing event. BUT I can totally see where you're coming from, and perfectionism is part of my personality too, so I know what you're dealing with.

Maybe you could change your attitude to birth to being one about letting go, of everything, including your expectations. It sounds like you have done all the reading and research and have prepped your DH as to your expectations about the kind of birth you want. now is the time to stop reading and go inwards and really talk to your baby. Listen to they're little voice and enjoy these last weeks of pregnancy.

i found having a birth/baby alter really helpful. I lit a candle each night before bed and read over my birth affirmations. I used that time to quietly talk to my baby and tell them I trust them and my body and together they know what to do. I also found this alter helpful in those crazy post-natal days...as a way of reconnecting to my own intuition and abilities and trusting that I was doing a good job.

The joy of bringing a baby home, is exactly that! It is an indescribable joy, and is so unexpected and overwhelming...you won't miss out I promise.

Being prepared for birth is vital. So now relax and enjoy these last few weeks of pregnancy.

[Persephone1]

I think it's a bit of a Catch-22, and I remember being exactly where you are. You want a great birth, but don't want to get too caught-up in making it perfect or you'll be upset when it doesn't live up to your expectations. FWIW, I think many women have great births but still need to debrief and process their birth experience before they can move on from it. As an example, a friend of mine had a lovely, natural, drug-free, intervention-free 3-hour labour and delivery at home...only she hadn't planned a homebirth and had intended on going to hospital - her baby had other ideas! Despite it being a "great" birth, she was still quite stunned with the way it happened and needed some time to process it. I guess what I'm saying is - your birth might be fantastic, but even then you might need some time to replay it in your head and process it before you can move on.

I second the suggestions about reading parenting books - I leafed through Baby Love and the Science of Parenting before DS arrived, and also went to a breastfeeding class and knitted a doll for my DS. I talked to him a lot, telling him that he could come in his own time and that we loved him. I also read positive birth stories, particularly ones from Spiritual Midwifery. I get what you're saying about some people (not just on BB) being a bit "anti" doctors and interventions - remember, only you can let that get to you, nobody can make you feel like that. I was determined that I would only be cared for by midwives (so went through a Birth Centre) and I was a little suspicious of Doctors and hospitals in general - but I reminded myself (and I think it's important to do this) that essentially the doctors and midwives want the best for you and baby. We might not always agree on the methods or interventions, or hospital policies, but being suspicious of them doesn't particularly help you.

I'll tell you a bit about my story by way of illustration. DH and I were very educated about birth, including natural birth and medical interventions. We knew the reasons why interventions might be offered and came to conclusions about which interventions we would accept and under which circumstances. I wasn't suspicious of the doctors by the time I went into labour, because I was informed enough that I knew why they might do the things they do. So, when it came time to accept an emergency c-section, both my DH and I accepted without question, because we essentially had no questions to ask! We knew that baby was in trouble and we knew that the doctor was very concerned about him - and we only knew this because we were informed about the birth process and knew ourselves what was going wrong. (Btw, I didn't have the c-section, but that's a whole other story). So, anyway, we were able to accept the advice from the doctor and do what he said because we weren't suspicious of him - but only because we were informed enough about the outcomes, risks, etc. Not sure if I'm making any sense?

I think it's good to have some expectations of a positive birth experience, but don't be beholden to those expectations. I've learnt (and continue to learn everyday) that holding on to expectations only leads to disappointment when things don't go to plan. This particularly applies post-natally ("Today, I'll clean the house and cook dinner" only leads to disappointment when DS decides to breastfeed every hour all day ) Perhaps separate your expectations from your wishes - a Birth Preferences rather than a Birth Plan. It's great to have positive affirmations and ideas about your birth, just don't become locked in them. Even the most positive birth might not look like you expected it!

GL with bringing your bundle home! I hope I've made some sense

[Heaven]

glenny- IKWYM. I had the idea of how I wanted my perfect birth to go and was worried about how disappointed I would be if I didn't get it. Well, I didn't get my perfect birth and actually ended up with a c/s. I have heard of other's who have had very similar births to mine who were really traumatised by it but I actually wasn't. And what made the difference for me I think was that I never felt I wasn't in control. I made the decisions, I was informed, sure things didn't go to plan but I was always consulted and told what was going on and free to make the decisions myself. Nothing was taken out of my hands. So I think that's the main thing. Have carers that respect you and who you trust and be informed about your options. You will be great!

[*Belle*]

Glenny,

The best thing to remember, if the birth plan doesnt go to plan, try to go with the flow and remember that at the end of it you will have your beautiful baby in your arms which is the most important thing. The birth is one day (or a few depending on your labour), then you need to concentrate on feeding and raising the baby!

Reading parenting books is great, we had some ideas on how we wanted to parent, also recommend babylove book, it was great to look up the index at all times to see how baby was and what was normal, what was different, how baby is doing. Getting everything ready for the baby is great, getting the clothes and room ready. I also did a meditation with the baby every day for 10mins and talking to the baby and letting them know I was thinking of them and we will get through the birth together.

[glenny_c]

Thank you girls. It's nice to see that you understand my neurosis! I am doing better today after my talk with DH. I think it's a great idea to do some reading on parenting stuff rather than birth stuff (I've read all that to death anyway...)
Thank You
xxx

[little_mrs]

Maybe give yourself some time to sit and think thru all the different scenarios too, i've done that and found they all end the same way - me with a baby in my arms! Good luck, try to relax on it all a bit.

[littlelara]

Very glad

[kristi14]

focus more on the joy of finally bringing our baby home rather than spending all my time focussing on the birth itself?

You had given yourself the best answer to the question you were asking without realising it.

Good to hear all turned out well and baby arrived safe and sound and you feel good about it