Advice please- how can I focus on what's important?

[glenny_c]

Girls, after a mini breakdown last night and a long talk with DH this morning I have come to the conclusion that I am focusing WAY too much on my baby's birth and not enough on the reason we're doing all of this- finally being able to bring a healthy baby home!
I have a dream birth in my mind, I have it all mapped out, how it's going to happen etc. I don't think this is a bad thing, it keeps me focussed but I think I have to let go a little and realise that my dream birth may not happen and if it doesn't- that's OK!
To be honest- I think I have been caught up with the opinions of some people on bb that intervention and medical opinions are to be avoided at all costs. I still want to do as much of this birth on my own as possible and I want to trust my body and let it do it's job but at the end of the day, my world isn't going to end if I need drugs or if the doctor has to intervene.
My biggest fear is that I won't be able to let go and if the birth doesn't go the way I want that it may impact our first few days together. I don't want to be focussed on anything other than our new bundle , I certainly don't want to be wasting time mourning the "perfect" birth. I don't meant his to be offensive to those of you who have had to deal with traumatic births- I am not talking about that at all, I understand that in those cases the grief is very real and HAS to be dealt with. I'm just talking about my idea of "perfect".
I don't know if any of this makes any sense. I know I'm rambling a bit. I certainly don't mean that I want to give up control of my birth, but I think there's a bit of a feeling with some people in bb that doctors are bad and only out for themselves. I realised that I don't think that about my OB, he may be a bit old fashioned and not have the best bedside manner but I truly believe that he is working in our best interests.

So- after that long ramble, this is what I'm asking. Have any of you got ideas for things I can do in the next few weeks to focus more on the joy of finally bringing our baby home rather than spending all my time focussing on the birth itself?

[OceanPrincess]

Big hugs glenny!!!

Just a quick suggestion from me - do you have any parenting books?? That might help you think about what is coming after the birth... Like Baby Love, the Science of Parenting, Kid-Wrangling?

What about all the clothes and things for bubs - all washed and put away? You could do some sorting, imagine your little bundle in them?

Baby's room organized?

Just a few ideas... Good luck hun!

[littlelara]

I get where you're coming from, and to some extent I agree. I think as long as you educate yourself and are empowered there's no reason to regret whatever happens next. We went from hypnobirthing to epi with our first, but I was still so proud of myself.
I watched an oprah once talking about what you wish someone had told you (if I'd known then what I know now kind of thing) and it prompted me to write letters to my babies outlining those things for them (for when they're older, obviously). It really made me feel like a mum for the first time. Oh, and I made them each a blanket.
Does any of that help? Try not to stress. I think for most of us once that baby is in your arms the rest goes out the window

[KitFaerie]

Just chat to your bubba, tell them no matter how birth goes you'll love them and you'll get through it together I find when I get stuck on certain things that if I focus on Tiger it all comes back into perspective. And you seriously are doing an awesome job Glenny, your bubs will be/is very happy

[Arcadia]

I think that third trimester is all about birth in many ways, so I don't essentially think there is anything wrong with thinking about birth...afterall it is a life changing event. BUT I can totally see where you're coming from, and perfectionism is part of my personality too, so I know what you're dealing with.

Maybe you could change your attitude to birth to being one about letting go, of everything, including your expectations. It sounds like you have done all the reading and research and have prepped your DH as to your expectations about the kind of birth you want. now is the time to stop reading and go inwards and really talk to your baby. Listen to they're little voice and enjoy these last weeks of pregnancy.

i found having a birth/baby alter really helpful. I lit a candle each night before bed and read over my birth affirmations. I used that time to quietly talk to my baby and tell them I trust them and my body and together they know what to do. I also found this alter helpful in those crazy post-natal days...as a way of reconnecting to my own intuition and abilities and trusting that I was doing a good job.

The joy of bringing a baby home, is exactly that! It is an indescribable joy, and is so unexpected and overwhelming...you won't miss out I promise.

Being prepared for birth is vital. So now relax and enjoy these last few weeks of pregnancy.

[Persephone1]

I think it's a bit of a Catch-22, and I remember being exactly where you are. You want a great birth, but don't want to get too caught-up in making it perfect or you'll be upset when it doesn't live up to your expectations. FWIW, I think many women have great births but still need to debrief and process their birth experience before they can move on from it. As an example, a friend of mine had a lovely, natural, drug-free, intervention-free 3-hour labour and delivery at home...only she hadn't planned a homebirth and had intended on going to hospital - her baby had other ideas! Despite it being a "great" birth, she was still quite stunned with the way it happened and needed some time to process it. I guess what I'm saying is - your birth might be fantastic, but even then you might need some time to replay it in your head and process it before you can move on.

I second the suggestions about reading parenting books - I leafed through Baby Love and the Science of Parenting before DS arrived, and also went to a breastfeeding class and knitted a doll for my DS. I talked to him a lot, telling him that he could come in his own time and that we loved him. I also read positive birth stories, particularly ones from Spiritual Midwifery. I get what you're saying about some people (not just on BB) being a bit "anti" doctors and interventions - remember, only you can let that get to you, nobody can make you feel like that. I was determined that I would only be cared for by midwives (so went through a Birth Centre) and I was a little suspicious of Doctors and hospitals in general - but I reminded myself (and I think it's important to do this) that essentially the doctors and midwives want the best for you and baby. We might not always agree on the methods or interventions, or hospital policies, but being suspicious of them doesn't particularly help you.

I'll tell you a bit about my story by way of illustration. DH and I were very educated about birth, including natural birth and medical interventions. We knew the reasons why interventions might be offered and came to conclusions about which interventions we would accept and under which circumstances. I wasn't suspicious of the doctors by the time I went into labour, because I was informed enough that I knew why they might do the things they do. So, when it came time to accept an emergency c-section, both my DH and I accepted without question, because we essentially had no questions to ask! We knew that baby was in trouble and we knew that the doctor was very concerned about him - and we only knew this because we were informed about the birth process and knew ourselves what was going wrong. (Btw, I didn't have the c-section, but that's a whole other story). So, anyway, we were able to accept the advice from the doctor and do what he said because we weren't suspicious of him - but only because we were informed enough about the outcomes, risks, etc. Not sure if I'm making any sense?

I think it's good to have some expectations of a positive birth experience, but don't be beholden to those expectations. I've learnt (and continue to learn everyday) that holding on to expectations only leads to disappointment when things don't go to plan. This particularly applies post-natally ("Today, I'll clean the house and cook dinner" only leads to disappointment when DS decides to breastfeed every hour all day ) Perhaps separate your expectations from your wishes - a Birth Preferences rather than a Birth Plan. It's great to have positive affirmations and ideas about your birth, just don't become locked in them. Even the most positive birth might not look like you expected it!

GL with bringing your bundle home! I hope I've made some sense

[Heaven]

glenny- IKWYM. I had the idea of how I wanted my perfect birth to go and was worried about how disappointed I would be if I didn't get it. Well, I didn't get my perfect birth and actually ended up with a c/s. I have heard of other's who have had very similar births to mine who were really traumatised by it but I actually wasn't. And what made the difference for me I think was that I never felt I wasn't in control. I made the decisions, I was informed, sure things didn't go to plan but I was always consulted and told what was going on and free to make the decisions myself. Nothing was taken out of my hands. So I think that's the main thing. Have carers that respect you and who you trust and be informed about your options. You will be great!

[*Belle*]

Glenny,

The best thing to remember, if the birth plan doesnt go to plan, try to go with the flow and remember that at the end of it you will have your beautiful baby in your arms which is the most important thing. The birth is one day (or a few depending on your labour), then you need to concentrate on feeding and raising the baby!

Reading parenting books is great, we had some ideas on how we wanted to parent, also recommend babylove book, it was great to look up the index at all times to see how baby was and what was normal, what was different, how baby is doing. Getting everything ready for the baby is great, getting the clothes and room ready. I also did a meditation with the baby every day for 10mins and talking to the baby and letting them know I was thinking of them and we will get through the birth together.

[glenny_c]

Thank you girls. It's nice to see that you understand my neurosis! I am doing better today after my talk with DH. I think it's a great idea to do some reading on parenting stuff rather than birth stuff (I've read all that to death anyway...)
Thank You
xxx

[little_mrs]

Maybe give yourself some time to sit and think thru all the different scenarios too, i've done that and found they all end the same way - me with a baby in my arms! Good luck, try to relax on it all a bit.

[LionsandBears]

I got to where you're at. I was so focussed on the birth I had myself tied up in knots if it wasn't going to be a perfect homebirth. I read so much about birth it did my head in. I needed to let that go and I started doing more reading about when baby was here - 2 great books are Baby on Board and the Wonder Weeks.

When it came to the birth, bub came early and was a breech baby. We were informed enough to be able to engage in a dialogue with the doctors etc when it came to a c/s, continuous monitoring etc. I ended up with a great birth (until the end). Even though our baby sadly died, it had NOTHING to do with the birth. In fact, the birth turned out to be a wonderful experience for us. A lot of my "techniques" went out the window, but all the preparation kept me calm and I had a drug free, natural, vaginal breech birth.

Persephone's idea about a Birth Preferences list instead of a Birth Plan is really good. The main thing to be sure of is that you and your support team agree about all the major things, so you don't feel undermined afterwards if say you end up with a c/s you didn't want.

GL

[onthefly]

I think the most important thing in having a 'good' birth experience is that you are able to make informed decisions on your own behalf. In a way, the details (ie, exactly what happens) are less important, if that makes sense.
I feel bad about what happened to me and my baby because it was all precipitated by an unecessary intervention and because of some shortfalls in the care we received. If, for eg, we hadn't been forced into it, if we'd decided it was necessary, then I think my perspective would be very different, even if things had happened the exact same way.

Having an ideal is fine, but you can't judge yourself by whether you achieve it or not - you have to judge things according to the specific context at the time.

Thinking ahead to the parenting stuff is a good way to switch perspective though - more reading!

[UsPlus2]

oh hun you're in the same place I was just a few days ago. Think if I read one more study/advice on VBAC's think I will literally explode. Talking to my DP has really helped remind me that birth is just a few hours of our little ones life, there is so much more to prepare for.

Focusing on the practical side of having a new born in the house again has helped me. Preparing meals that can be frozen, stocking up on things like laundry powder, longlife milk, toilet paper, meal basics, pads. You can read all about the sleep depravation but seriously until you got through you cant really comprehend just how tired you and your DH will be. So having sites/pages/phone numbers bookmarked for advice on sleep/feeding issues is great. Use this time to research things like different formulas/bottles (even if you plan on breastfeeding, just in case) settling methods, burping techniques, anything and everything about having a 0 -12 mth old.

all the best with the birth and life with your new one.

[glenny_c]

Hmmm, I found this post that I wrote a week before dd was born. I remember the state I had got myself in when this was written. Makes me smile now because the birth I had was the complete opposite to what I had visualised. I ended up having an emergency c-section at 36 weeks (6 days after I wrote the original post). My placenta had started to break down and dd was failing due to lack of nutrition. I am forever thankful that dh made me go into the hospital when she stopped moving (I didn't want to be a neurotic mum). He listened to me and realised that I was more worried than I was letting on. I am also thankful for the midwives who took me seriously and monitored me, and the OB who did the ultrasound and found that dd had stopped growing. I found out after the c-section that my placenta had actually started rotting inside me. Had DH and I ignored the warnings and waited for labour, things may not have worked out like they did.

As it is- I have a BEAUTIFUL 5 month old daughter. She lights me up every day and although I am sad that I didn't get to experience the "perfect" birth, mine was perfect because it produced her. I will forever be thankful for my birth which was FULL of interventions and completely medicalised.

[onthefly]

I'm glad to hear she's so well!
It's ok to feel sad missing out on something you wanted - sometimes unfortunately our babies have different ideas to us. Really glad to hear you were looked after the way you needed to be.

[littlelara]

Very glad

[kristi14]

focus more on the joy of finally bringing our baby home rather than spending all my time focussing on the birth itself?

You had given yourself the best answer to the question you were asking without realising it.

Good to hear all turned out well and baby arrived safe and sound and you feel good about it