How Do I Balance My Needs With DSD's?

[fionas]

DSD (who's 15) lives in the US but lived with us for 8 months last year because she wasn't getting on with her mom.

They are still not getting along and she is now saying that she wants to live here (again). Long, long story but I don't think this is a flash in the pan.

Don't get me wrong, I want her to live with us.

BUT I had just persuaded DP that we should make some repairs to our house so that we can rent it out and then move to another part of Melbourne like Yarraville.

The reason for the move is that we want to have another baby BUT last time I had an unstable pelvis which basically meant I was housebound for six months after the birth. This was exacerbated by the fact that our current house has three BIG steps at the front so is hard to get a pram in and out of. Hard with one baby and an unstable pelvis - will be even more problematic if we have two.

Now, even if I can't get pregnant again (look at my age), the fact that I have lived here for 13 years also makes me want to move somewhere else for a little while. We're in the middle of a hill, which even now makes it hard to get around because it is still a bit hurty for me to walk up hills.

So, I want to move. BUT we need to do some repairs to the house first. We have a bedroom wall with a big crack. On the advice of a building engineer, we took all the plaster off that bedroom wall so now there is just exposed brick in there. Since then the engineer and the builder have been conferring about what actually needs to be done, hence the delay. Even if we get them to get a major hurry on, it will take 6 months to do because we need to get approvals apparently.

So the problem is this. DSD is talking about coming here at Xmas. That makes sense - ready for the next school year (Year 10). But even if we get a major wriggle on, we won't have those repairs done by then which means she would start school here and then we would be moving mid-year once the repairs are done.

This is obviously not fair to have DSD to switch schools mid-year but ... I want to move house!!!!

I feel like I have been through an awful lot this year and moving was my little ray of sunshine and something to look forward to.

I'm gutted because I can't see a way that I can be fair to DSD and to myself.

What do you think?

[Maruschke]

Can you pick a school half way between the two locations? (sorry i dont know the geography)

Let her know she might need to change schools otherwise, and let her make a decision based on that. Good luck with it all!

[fionas]

I love your thinking oscaroscar but I don't think it will work in this case - opposite ends of the city so the CBD would be the centrepoint but I think we'd have catchment issues to contend with (even if there are any public schools in the city).

But I like the way your mind works!

[AnyDream]

Could she wait until the US summer hols and then move over? Have you asked how she would feel about that?

Otherwise, I'd suggest shopping for a good school in the area where you are hoping to move to. Then if she starts at that school (even if she has to bus/tram for a few months) then it's an impetus to get the house finished and the moving plans underway! kwim?

She's 15 and willing to uproot enough to change countries, the school thing is just another little bit of instability in amongst other big instabilities. Of course it's offset by being a (hopefully) more harmonious home environment, and all the benefits that flow from that. To put it in perspective I left home and earnt my own living at age 16 then put myself through uni, I'm sure she can handle a bit of to and fro-ing on the bus or a school change!

You could even present her with some options and see which she prefers, eg option a) move out at Christmas and change schools mid year, option b) move out here mid year and start new school then, or option c) move out at Christmas and commute to school until you have moved. You might be surprised at what she picks when faced with that choice.

I don't think you should just decide to not move for the sake of DSD. It's too important for your wellbeing. This is one of those times where you need to put yourself up near the top of the priority list, kwim?

[fionas]

Thanks so much Marydean - presenting her with the options is the most sensible thing to do.

DP had a chat with her today. I thought she may be put out that she wouldn't be going to the same school as she had been the last time she was here for 8 months.

BUT, she's all FOR moving to Yarraville saying "I was a bit over Northcote anyway" ... ahhh the fickleness of teenagers!

Then she started househunting online for us!

So feel much better now and not the most selfish stepmum in the world.

Thanks again for your post - it made SO much sense.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Glad it has all worked out, Fiona, and hope you're all very happy together in Yarraville.

[Janie]

Sounds like you have a good relationship, that's great Fiona. Hope you enjoy Yarraville, it's cool there! (Mind you, I think Northcote is cool too LOL).