I am the meanest Mum ever!!!

**Catastrophic** · February 16th, 2011, 07:30 AM

That's what the kids tell me

**toomanyshoes** · February 16th, 2011, 07:36 AM

We've been through something similar there, I just kept explaining that "hate" is a very strong and hurtful word.

Have you tried explaining to him how it makes you feel?

Try not to let it get you down, I'm sure you are a wonderful mum and he's just lashing out for some reason. I find talking with DS helps, asking what's going on to make him so angry and find solutions.

**Yeddi** · February 16th, 2011, 07:45 AM

He most probably says it because he knows it's going to get a reaction - I doubt he doesn't know how it makes you feel, that's the point, he knows it makes you feel crappy. My DD has tried it on both DH and I, but we found it quickly stopped when we both blandly said, "Okay, doesn't change anything - you still have to do it (or can't have it)" or "that's too bad" and left it at that. It had no collateral then. Kids love to push buttons, that's how they refine us as parents, how they test and understand boundaries, and the go to buttons are always the emotional ones. I think he is simply trying to manipulate the situation to get what he wants. It's a control issue, and kids normally try take on these control issues at home (where it is safe) because they feel out of control else where (i.e. school, where what he does is dictated by the teacher). Perhaps he needs a hobby or outlet where he can feel empowered so he doesn't keep lashing out in the wrong areas. Could he start his own business? My daughter runs her "Henny Pennies". We bought an extra chicken so that we would always have too many eggs so she could sell the surplus to the neighbours or mum's at school.

**misty** · February 16th, 2011, 09:25 AM

When any of us kids used to say that to my mum, she always used to tell us "Good. That means I'm doing my job correctly." We soon stopped telling her we hated her, because we realised she wasn't upset by it, so what was the point?

**Jewel** · February 16th, 2011, 09:34 AM

Big, big hugs.

I'm going through the same thing at the moment with my 7yo. Gee, the tantrums.

It's great to know I'm so not the only one having to/had to deal with this, cause some days it sure feels like I'm the one only. ( I hope you know what I mean)

Is it the age, or something?

**Smoke Jaguar** · February 16th, 2011, 09:45 AM

There's a lot going on for your DS's at the moment, MN - it doesn't make it 'right' that he is this way with you, doesn't make it 'wrong', either. Emotional maturity is a long way off and they'll need some strong guidance through this time, and any compassion you can send their way

Here's some for you

and here's some for them

Talk to their dad and see if you can't come up with a strategy together for the boys?
They're very lucky to have you

**diannescruffy** · February 16th, 2011, 07:47 AM

I completely feel your pain, I am also the one in this house that disciplines and get the "I hate you" too. I agree with toomanyshoes, sit him down and explain to him how upset it makes you when he says this. I actually say "I love you" when I get the "I hate you" it really stops them in their tracks.

hun, it really is an awful feeling.

Regards,
Dianne

**Tinks** · February 16th, 2011, 07:55 AM

I've learnt over the years that when they lash out like that it's because the punishment is working. He's realised you're not going to give up easily so he's pushing you further in order for you to give in so he can get what he wants - in this case his DS.

It's very hard to hear the 'i hate yous' and 'you're means' but you're doing a great job! Keep going

I've just read other replies, I wouldn't talk to him about his behaviour just yet. When it's time to give his DS back have a chat to him about why he thinks he lost it and how hurtful what he says is and discuss strategies to avoid him losing it again etc.