Teenager - Bad Grades - Leave School Early?

[Lulu]

What great news!

[Bathsheba]

I've just read your other thread Fiona... so up to speed now

Y'know I suspected she had ability when you mentioned that your friends here said she's a great kid, can have proper conversations with her etc. I personally think that her brain is so busy (subconsciously) trying to work out what went wrong with her parents and even like she said: focussing on the social side of life that it almost doesn't have any energy to focus of the abstract nature of academia. This is what happened to me when my parents separated when i was 12. I went from being a bright primary school student to a sulky teen who was totally lost, trying to fend off an abusive stepfather and trying to get to know all the kids at the new schools I was sent to as we moved. Enough "woe is me" but when your homelife is unsettled it is very hard to concentrate at school. I know it sounds pretty obvious. The only "subject" I continued to excel at was art... because i had a natural ability... English was also fairly easy for me. All through highschool I never gave any thought to what I wanted to do as my "career" although once, in year 10 I had a fleeting urge to be a doctor as I decided I loved a new subject i'd chosen that year: human biology... but as I said, it was fleeting... i basically just didn't care. So, in year 12 I did the bare minimum... never did any study, just the assessment tasks that would count toward my HSC (high school cert.) score. I spent hours in my room each afternoon, writing to penfriends! So mum was never on my back. Predictably I didn't do very well during the final exams. But I got into Fine Art at uni.... but even then I still lacked commitment and dropped out after 2 years to enter the workforce. It wasn't until i had worked in what I thought were lowly jobs (hospitality, receptionist, child care) that I decided to pick up that old fine Art Degree and finish it so that i could gain some qualifications. Voila!!! As a mature age student with a family i FINALLY had the impetus to fulfil my potential. I graduated in the top 5% of my year.

Sorry about my life story... but i suspect, from what you have written about your SD that she is going to be a girl who will need to learn things the hard way. That's great that her grades have picked up recently though She must really want to come over here! Lulu is right about keeping them busy and fostering interests.... very important. What is equally important though is security at home... knowing that you have a soft place to fall (as Dr Phil would say)... where you don't have to face tension... and where you feel listened to.

You're doing an ace job Fiona, please keep up with the updates

[fionas]

Thanks Bath - I think what you've said is very true. I think she's been through an amazing amount of confusion over the last few years.

I think I put in my other thread that the latest state of play is that her mum has kicked the boyfriend out and that now SD says she wants to stay in the US.

DP is a mixture of hurt, annoyed and confused whereas I'm trying to tell him that this is the best thing that could possibly happen. Best for SD to see how she REALLY gets on with mum/school/friends over there without the added complication of the boyfriend. It would have been awful if she'd come back here and then her mum had split up with boyfriend and SD then wanted to return to US.

I think it's good that she's being cautious (even belatedly) because I think that shows that she does understand when her dad tells her that if she returns here, it will be to finish high school and she can't keep going backwards and forwards.

So I think that on balance she will still want to return ... but hey, I don't envy her that decision at all.

I was also talking to my friend's sociologist mum about this a couple of weeks ago and she basically said "I know this sounds weird coming from an academic ... but don't worry about school." She was basically saying the same as you Bath - SD has had so much going on in her life that she probably can't concentrate too well so take the pressure off and just let her know that she's loved etc.

So we'll just wait and see what the next instalment brings. As I said in the other thread, I think it would be useful if SD went to see a third party to help work through the decision because I think it would be tricky for an adult to make this decision let alone a 14-year-old.

[Bathsheba]

Yes! I forgot to add that a third party counselor would probably be beneficial... although you have to somehow find the right one and that can be tricky. I had a few when I was younger and they were awful. One guy said I had to meditate more and proceeded to show me how to do it, suggesting I follow his instructions... so on he went... for ages and ages while I just sat and stared at him with tears in my eyes because he was so caught up in his own business that I was irrelevant... just how it was at home.... I was 18.

I also meant to clarify that I don't think those careers I mentioned, childcare etc, are 'lowly'... it's just that the pay was shocking ($12 an hour at the childcare centre i worked at)... I knew that I could do more with my career and that I was worth more than $12 an hour... hence my commitment into gaining a qualification.

I think your SD will want to return too. Just a intuitive feeling. Once again, she knows quality parenting (ie from you) and even though it might be more strict, kids prefer that if it comes with love.