Advice to help a Temp Single Mom *long*

[paradise lost]

Um, i'm a single parent and though i have my moments i certainly don't act like that around DD!

THis is a tough one really hun. IKWYM about patience in her job, but parenting, as you know, is a 24/7 job and it can get on top of you so easily. Also, with her situation, i.e. not actually wanting DH away (some of us single mummies were much happier that way!) she's probably trying to "hang on" until he's back, rather than just changing things around to take into account him being gone.

She sounds like a break would be the first order of the day. I know she doesn't get on with the IL's but would she let them look after her DD for a bit? Even one afternoon/overnight/whatever a week would let her have some "me" time and unwind a bit. Maybe a frank chat about it "You seem really stressed hunny, it's not like you to shout so much, i know you're missing DH, have you thought about ways to keep on top of everything while he's away?" - the fear-at-homething especially worries me - i sometimes lie awake and fret about "what-ifs" but she sounds like she's never feeling safe in her own home - is your local crime rate very high? Are her fears justified?

I don't think it's good for her DD, and i don't think it should go on long term, and yes, ultimately it will damage the child and ESPECIALLY her relationship with the mother, but at this stage mother and babe are so closely intwined, relieving mum's pain/stress will be the best way to help the baby.

HTH

Bx

[Nadine216]

I was hoping you'd come in here

I think she is trying her best to hang on, but atm her best is failing her. It's just so heartbreaking. Her IL's does take dd three days a week when she is at school, but she is not satisfied with the way they are handeling her (the dd - and truthfully they are overstepping in some ways) and her MIL is not a very healthy woman, so she does not want dd to overstay her welcome. I know her SIL would look after her dd in a heartbeat, but she is complaining about her also. The SIL don't have any kids of her own are still young (24 pffft) and does things differntly than her, so she is not comfy with leaving dd with her for long periods (anything over a quick trip to the shop) Which in my opion is her own fault, because she is not teaching her SIL how she would like her dd to be cared for. The SIL has a child-play-school (learn through play or something like that) so it's not like she is a stranger to young kids.

Personally I think by talking to her directly it might help, just to have her "download" a bit on someone. And maybe help her tighten her "headreigns". Her head are all over the place, so nothing gets done, and that is adding to her problems. It's also not helping that in their house, her husband are in charge of the cash, so she has no clue as to what accounts has to be settled and stuff like that.

About her fears .. unjustified imo. Our crimerate is not higher than any town in the area and she lives in the quite side of town. She lives in a security complex, atm there are only three houses, one of which is her IL's (this may also be the reason they don't get along .. to close for comfort) She has an up-to-date alarmsystem with armed reaction. We use the same security-company at the shop that does her house and they are TOP notch. So I can't see why she can be afraid. I don't know her past very well, so maybe something happend that just makes her this scared. But everytime I askes about why she is scared, she just says that she is being silly and have to try sleeping alone one time or other.

See I feel that way too .. I'm thinking her dd is whiny and stressed, because she is stressed and they are picking up each others negative vibes and it's ruining them. I'm also picking up vibes that him being away for so long is hurting their mariage ... she went up there for the school vacation for two weeks (she just got back Monday) and they had a HUGE fight because he went hunting one NIGHT from 5pm till 6am. She was furious because they had so little time together and then he plans a hunting trip while she's there.

[Nadine216]

Lee

I think I am going to offer a playdate for next Saturday (this weekend I'm smashing kitchen floor tiles, so not babysafe in my house) I'll have a chat with DH. He is working in the shop next Satur ... cr@p it's her dd's birthday party next Saturday *idiot* almost forgot!! I'll offer to help with that. I think that is also adding to her frustration .. he is going to miss his daughter's first birthday party

I have tried to convince her to put her dd in daycare for the whole day every other day she's not with her IL's, but she still goes and get her after school. I'm just out of ideas

I'm wishing her DH back as I type here. I just wish that they get someone willing to MOVE out country and live there (it's in Zambia!!) and get that person ASAP.

[paradise lost]

Just the fact that you care will make a difference to her Nads, i really appreciate all my friends who call and say "just wanted to make sure you're ok" even when i'm totally fine. Talking to her is probably the best thing you can do at this stage - you could try the following leads:

"You seem like you're really struggling being on your own. Want to talk about it, maybe if we brainstorm we can think of ways to make it easier?"

"What are you doing tomorrow? I have to...*then list your planned tasks" - letting her see how YOU stay organised willhelp her to get herself organised, kwim?*

"When DD was that age she often *insert biting or whatever most recently made her shout* but then i did some reading online/talked to mum/whatever and i realised it was so normal and she can't help it - i sure don't miss the shouting!" - a bit of in-your-shoes compassion can really make people feel not only understtod but that there is true hope for change. Pretty much every mother i know struggles with their temper at some time - it's the most trying job on earth - so hearing how others felt and resolved the feelings can make a huge difference. The hardest things about getting new coping skills is having to say "i'm not coping" to begin with.

You might also try making comments that build her confidence, like "Wow, even though at times it must be really hard, you're making it work with DH having to be away really well!". I am the sort of person who is not afraid. Of anything. So i can only imagine the agony of being in what is effectively my situation (except that i have the help of my wonderful DP AND a lot from XP, but even at the start say, when neither were around as much) and on top having to learn a bunch of new skills and deal with unfamiliar situations. Rationally she should realise that in a situation where the security fails her DH would have made no difference - it's what i think when i'm scared at night. That or "thank god i only have ONE loved one in the house to protect!" LOL. SHe needs to find her inner lioness and realise that all the things she is scared of or can't do are just stuff she's not had the opportunity to face/learn yet. I can actually remember moving out of home and being afraid of having to pay bills etc. and now i don't even think about it!

Hopefully the situation will resolve in the immediate sense soon, but really, there's no point in her living her whole life like this on the grounds that there will be someone else there. She needs to learn to feel confident in her abilities and know she CAN do it. Sometimes you have to cope alone, it's a fact of life.

Bx

[Nadine216]

Thanks for the suggestions, Bec. I'll probably check in on her tomorrow for tea, so I'll chat to her then. I know what you mean by sometimes everyone loses their temper. I am no angel and has lost my temper also, so I'll try that in-your-shoe compassion. And try boosting her confidance too, THAT sounds like a great idea ... focus on what's good and not what's bad.

Rationally she should realise that in a situation where the security fails her DH would have made no difference

That is exactly what DH said I'll try and convey that to her in a more ... delicate manner than DH said it to me. She told us on Monday that she don't even know where the safe's key is and even if she did, she don't know how to use the weapon Now THAT, imo, is her DH's fault. He's suppose to make sure she can handle some kind of self-defence weapon, just in case

I think what bothers me is that she comes off as a strong, resilliant woman ... and seeing her falling apart is just, well, shocking. She is a self-confessed drama-queen, so my evil-me is thinking that she might just be doing this whole "I'm not coping well" thing, just for the attention. BAD Nads *slaps wrist*

[~clover~]

Hi.

First of all....24? Too young?? hmf! LOL!! I wish sometimes that I was one of those 24 year olds. Only sometimes.

Does she have any other friends??
I've had my fair share of single parenting. DH has gone away for work alot. Usually I am more relaxed when he's not here. More because I can do what I want with the kids with out having to worry about him & what he might need the car for etc. And I get better sleep when I've got the bed & blankets to myself!
If it is longer than the expected time it starts to get a bit much. I do have 3 kids though. When I was pg with DD2 he was away for a month & my main problem was lonliness. & boredom.
These days it's lonliness & noone here every night to give me a break. But then I don't have anyone to take my kids over night close by either.
Does she go to play group? Does she do anything on the nights her IL's have her DD? Maybe she needs something to do to take up some time & get her mind off things. Maybe the two of you could take your kids & go for coffee every few days. Just so she gets out of the house. I know coffee with kids that age isn't the easiest thing, but it might be good. Or just to the park.

You are a really good friend. She's lucky to have you. Ask her about it. Ask if she thinks she's coping. Maybe she just needs to talk to someone.

[Nadine216]

I know what you mean ... I sometimes wish I was one of those 24 's also!!

She has a lot of other friends ... with kids and husbands. I also think that maybe she's bored. She has told us that she NEVER brings schoolwork home for her, she always finish her next day's planning at school. So other than cooking (that without a husband is something that gets neglected) and looking after dd, she really does not have much to do. And she really does not have a demanding dd. I can remeber how jelous I was, when we came to visit and she told us that she had time to make mustard/rusks/tart/pie while her dd was playing on the kitchen floor

Her dd does go to playgroup twice a week, but like I said, she always picks her up straight after school. And her dd has not had a sleepover at the IL's ... don't think she would be comfy with that.
I would love taking her for coffee, but our workhours are clashing. She works schoolhours (7:30 - 14:00) and I work half-day (12:00 - 17:00), so afternoon tea is a no-no. I have thought about organizing a little park-time somewhere over a weekend, but this darn winter weather is KILLING me!! Excuses, Excuses, Excuses *hangs head in shame*

I'll am just going to try and be there for her ... to chat and to lean on. Just to be there. There is not much I can do for the dd, but like Bec said, by helping the mommy, I'll help the dd.

Thanks Skye!