I agree that your Ex P is attempting to bully you. BB is a great place to get support in these situations.
I work as a family law solicitor. I cannot give you advice specific to your situation. I can say however that the law regarding relocation has changed alot in the last few years since the shared parenting legislation took effect. BG is generally correct - the court is now very focused on the best interests of the children and the court is as a starting point required to work on the basis that if possible an equal shared parenting situation is in the best interests of the children - however there is alot more to it than that - how the best interests of a child are determined in each case depends on a long list of factors including the set up in place now and the practicality of a relocation to both parties and the children.
In the circumstances my very strong advice to you is to go and get legal advice about your position based on your specific situation before you do anything and as soon as possible. The earlier the better is my view as you may be able to do things that will strategically assist you longer term. You should only take action based on that advice. Your lawyer may advise you that strategically it may no longer help you to advocate a week about shared care position or to seek to get things in writing. You should in the meantime avoid discussing the matter of relocation with your ex. You definitely should not indicate to him that you are even thinking of relocating to meet his needs. Do not agree to anything. You should continue to live your life based on things remaining the same as they have.
Keep using BB as a support tool in the meantime! We are here for you!
Should you need a referral to a lawyer in your area please feel free PM me - whilst I do not work in NSW I have had dealings with a couple of very good lawyers in Parramatta.
BB77 - I have done exactly what you have suggested, and I will be seeing my solicitor tomorrow at 9.30am. He has raised this possibility (moving away from this area) before, but then last night he SMSed me about it again and has been pushing the issue all day (BULLYING is totally the right word!!). All I have said to him is that I will not discuss it with him as I am about to get legal advice. I've made it clear before that I have no intention of moving just because he wants to.
The whole "proving me an unfit mother" is a constant theme of his. I was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder not long after my younger daughter was born, and went through cognitive behavioural therapy as well as going onto Zoloft (as an anti-anxiety med, although I was probably suffering a bit of PND at the time too). I'm still on the meds, so as far as he is concerned, I am mentally ill. Let's just ignore the fact that I sought help and went to therapy and I have benefited greatly from the medication. Unfortunately for me (although really I think a magistrate would laugh this out of court - that doesn't stop him bringing it up at every opportunity) when I went to CBT, one of the "homework" exercises was to identify specific situations where my anxiety levels were going through the roof, and identify what I was actually saying to myself (eg OMG the world is going to end, this is such a disaster) and then say something more constructive to myself (eg this isn't so bad, I can deal with this). So one of my examples was when my kids (about 2 1/2 and 9 months at the time) were going completely bonkers and XH was at golf or somewhere, and I was saying to myself "I yell too much, my kids will hate me one day" but then turned it around and managed to get myself calmed down. Well guess who has the notes that I wrote..... I totally didn't even think about the fact that they still even existed, but he keeps telling me that he is going to show them to the world to show that I am a self-confessed horrible yelling mother who will never be able to cope with raising the girls myself!!!!!
Some more background, I was emotionally abused by him for the entire 10 years we were together, and that is why I left. He claims now that he basically raised the girls single-handedly - which he "proves" by telling about how he would always to be the one to get them ready each day before they went to daycare, I was always begging him to give me time off etc etc etc (his interpretation: I didn't want to be with my kids). For starters, I wanted time off like he got 5 hours off each week to play golf. Secondly, I offered a MILLION times to get up earlier and change my routine by getting up earlier and spending more time with the girls and getting them ready in the mornings. But of course that would have meant going to bed earlier and then maybe he wouldn't get to harrass his way to getting sex every night, so he wouldn't hear of it. Often he was a devoted, loving husband, but that was always underpinned by possessive and abusive behaviour like criticizing the clothes I wore if it showed the slightest bit of cleavage (and I mean VERY slight) or insisting that my boss hiring me had nothing to do with my talents or carrying on for days and days if I even dared suggest going to lunch with someone other than him (we work in the same building), let alone what I would cop if I DID actually go to lunch, and woah, if I had a glass of wine at lunch with other people, and actually had FUN, look out. I did that a few days before my birthday last year and was hearing about it for weeks after.
And yet my constant anxiety was about me being an incompetent mother???
Sorry for all the waffle, but it's been a really big day. Just after I started writing that, he started sending nastier and nastier emails. Basically his logic is this:
I am a completely unfit mother.
He WAS willing to share custody 50/50 with me anyway (wtf??) but now, since I refuse to consider moving, he will fight me for full custody.
And if the girls seem at all distressed between now and our day in court, he will take action to have them removed permanently from my custody.
Hang i there, get legal advice, don't let him bully you. Your kids are happy, healthy and well-cared for in their current situation and HE is the one doing the moving here! If i met him ten minutes from now i'd say "Do you find that lots of people in your life are emotionally weak and fragile? Have you considered that it's because you're a poisonous, controlling, abusive bully and you bring that out in people?"
You have changed NOTHING IRT their lives, it is him who is binging this upheaval and the courts will surely see this too.
It is definitely unwise given your current situation, and i certainly don't suggest you do it, but seriously this guy needs reminding that you LEFT HIM and he can no longer decide where you live or what you do!
A person with a medical condition like dpression for which they have had treatment and with which they are coping well and who is not harming or neglecting their children will NOT have them removed on the say-so of the other parent, especially when there is such a blatant ulterior motive.
oh huni...i have no advice apart from keep every email,txt etc.
he is a bully and you are not a unfit mother hes just a controlling, abusive w@@@@r.
sorry im no help but vent away.
hope you are ok
lots of love rach xxxx
Hi Melby,
Great to hear you are seeing the lawyer today. Your ex p is a prize bully and also rather stupid. In my experience one catches more flies with honey than with a big stick iykwim?
Try and see his behaviour for what is. I know it is hard. Don't give him more power by letting him stress you out more than usual. The best you can do is continue to stay strong, keep doing what you have been doing for your little ones. You are doing a great job.
Let's face it - Hoobley has hit the nail on the head - he does not have real concerns. He is trying to destabilise you at the moment.
If he honestly had serious concerns about your ability to care for the kids he would have made moves to have them removed from you and successfully done so a long time ago. He hasn't done so. So he is just trying to bully and manipulate you to a certain position.
Papillion is right - keep records of these conversations. Keep the texts. They may come in handy.
Good luck.
Belinda
My ExH is a GIANT tool. ExH is a childish bully used to getting his own way. ExH sucks balls.
Put them on post its all over the house....and remember the Golden Rule of mediation and court hearings - you must imagine a big penis growing from his forehead when you see him.
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