post natal depression is something, many women on this site understand, i get what you're saying, you acknowledge what's going on, next step is to get help, e.g PANDA like the OP have suggested.

it's ok to ask for help

there are risk factors for PND, i suspect you would tick all the boxes, given your extremely stressful situation.

Have you told your mum how you're feeling? It doesn't make you a bad mum, to be feeling like this. It's the situation that is suckful, not you.

thinking of you PZ