How did you cope financially?

[all girls]

I am 95% sure I am about to separate from my husb and am worried about how i am going to cope financially, he earns good money but pretty much hasn't given me any at all during our marriage. I am not sure how i am going to cope financially with 4 children. On one hand i am kind of looking forward to being responsible for my life and finances again but on the other am scared stiff. Of course also scared of being single with 4 girls.

Would love to hear any advice or ideas or stories of how you did it.

Thanks, Trina

[Lulu]

I'm sorry to hear that Trina .

Hop on the Centrelink website. There is a Rate Estimator on the for Family Tax Benefit and Sole Parents Pension.

It might seem a bit hardass but I thoroughly recommend you copy your joint financial papers, mortgage stuff etc. Birth Certs, Marriage Certificates etc. All bank account statements etc.
If you do make it permanent, it will be too late to gain access to this stuff and you will need it. Protect yourself, you have rights.
Are you going to ask him to leave?

Moving out yourself can be very daunting, it may be hard to find an affordable rental big enough to fit you all in. You deserve to be comfortable if you leave, it wouldn't be right to have you crammed into something small cos you can afford it. It only seems fairly that he would leave and not uproot the girls. Again, if you do leave - TAKE EVERYTHING. Don't clean him out but make sure you have all you need to be comfortable, don't worry about leaving him without a dining table. He can work, he can get loans, he can earn another far more quickly than you (for awhile).

Keep some long term goals in mind. When the girls are a little bigger you can go back to work, or study to get yourself into a great financial position long term. If you're gonna have to go back to work, do it in your own time and get yourself some knowledge and EARNING power.

I survived on my own for a long while. I only had one child initally, so getting out to work wasn't such a hassle, now three of them its doable (but slightly stressful!). I was able to live on Clink benefits for quite a long time, but I have a mortgage so I had to recently go back to full time work. I managed ok and didnt have to return until the littlest was 2 years old - so not so bad.

Write a budget and stick to it, you may have to cut back on some things for awhile, but when you get into the swing of it......Well I'm tired but I feel really really proud that I support my family all by myself .

Good luck with everything xoxoxo

[all girls]

Thanks Lulu2, i just can't live like this anymore, he makes me feel like the biggest waste of space, we don't have joint accounts, he has his own money and doesn't give me any and has recently gone sailing in spain for almost 4 weeks and left me with $500 and then said he works bloody hard and earned it. I have a job but currently am only doing 6 hours a week as i am still bf, i can have more hours if or when i want them.

I am not sure but get the feeling he is seeing someone else or thinking about it anyway, plus recently found out he went to strip club both when i was pregnant and then a week after i had his 4th child. He is all of a sudden saying he isn't happy which is pi$$ing me off as i have put up with his crap for so many years.

Sorry for the whinge i just am over it all and am so torn with what to do.....

We have a mortgage so if he left would he pay the mortgage in stead of giving me money?? Do you know what happens there?

[mum3girls]

Lulu's already given you some great advice, so I'll just answer re: the mortgage. The best option would be to get legal advice regarding that, as it is an asset that belongs to both you and DH. He would still have to pay you child support, you actually have to apply for child support in order to receive certain payments from Centrelink (sorry can't remember all details, been awhile).

And big hugs for you, I'm sure it's not an easy decision but hopefully will be the best one for you, your girls and your hubby as well. One of my fav. Dr Phil-isms that I think applies to this situation is "children would rather be from a broken home than in a broken home".

Hope everything works out for you

[Lulu]

Get hold of those financial records as soon as is possible without him knowing.
What a bastardio - going sailing and leaving you with 4 kids! This ones not gonna like parting with the cashola, keep one step ahead of him.

I know it sounds pretty full on, but if you look at all your options and at least KNOW you don't have to put up with this, you can make a clearer decision. Sometimes having the weight of the "what happens if we split" scenario sorted can give you the time to think about what the right choice is. You need to weigh it all up for yourself.

Im not sure what would happen, but he would have to pay you some child support and I think you can claim a "spousal maintenance" thing too. You may have to call CSA or Legal Aid. You would be able to claim Govt Support (which you are entitled to as an Aust Citizen) and not be totally reliant on him. You can get various concessions on your utilities etc.

Geez, Im still shirty at the thought of him treating himself to a 4 week holiday - WTF is the $500 for? To live on for the month???

[The[cookie]Doctor]

Geez, Im still shirty at the thought of him treating himself to a 4 week holiday - WTF is the $500 for? To live on for the month???

That's what I was thinking, what a jerk.

Trina, I'm sorry to hear this hun. I can't offer advice just wanted to send some hugs.
My stepdad left my mum almost six months ago when their twin baby girls were just ten weeks old... they were in goodness knows how much IVF debt from the babies he now claims he didn't want ... because with three kids already and a passionate hate for pregnancy mum definitely wanted them all on her own So now mum has a 16, 11 and two eight month olds... different but not dissimilar.

Anyhow, sorry for my vent there, all the best sweetheart. We're all here for you.

[The[cookie]Doctor]

double post... stupid slow internet.

[Footsteps]

haven't got no advice just wanted to give you big .
you and your 4 beautiful girls will be ok.
take care
rachxxxx

[Pandora]

what Lulu said.

You need to make an appt with a family lawyer and get some advice, on custody, property settlements etc. They should be able to give you the best advice for your situation.

Register yourself with legal aid in your area too.

[all girls]

Thanks for all your replies geez there are so many things to sort out and think about hey..

You kinda lose hope in relationships at this stage

Cookiemonster your poor Mum she sounds like a trooper hope she is ok. Probably better off without him anyway.

I am sick of feeling trapped and helpless, stuck at home with not even 5c to go buy toilet paper (yep all day today thank goodness i had tissues)

My hat goes off to all you single parents out there it is such a tough thing to go through

[melbel]

To be honest he sounds to me like a bit of a control freak and he is thinking he holds power over you because he holds the purse strings. Make sure you have all your ducks lined up before you do anything because he sounds like he would play hard ball all the way.
Get details of his employment and salary etc especially if he is self employed. it is theones who are self employed that are very clever at hiding what they are really worth so suss out any evidence that will help you down the track. And please tell me the mortgage is in joint names not just his...not that it matters so much these days but it does make it easier.
And.....this is just my opinion....don't you be the one to leave thehouse. You have four children whos security is paramount....if worst comes to worst chaneg the locks when he is not home, ring centrelink and tell them you have separated so he has no legal recourse to renter the house except to get personal belongings. Then you can be nice andlet him have some possessions but dont' you be the one to have to the crawling back to him for anything cos by the sounds of it he will give you nothing.....let hime fight for the scraps!

[AnyDream]

I second everything Lulu has written (great advice there) and would particularly urge you to get photocopies of all and any of his paperwork (bank statements, bills, property information) etc that you might find lying around the house or stashed in his paperwork files/on the computer at home. I think before you make any decisions you really need to get some legal advice.

If you look up "W" for Women in the very front of the telephone book you should be able to find the phone number of some services (like a women's information and referral centre) that you can chat to over the phone, who can give you some information about services in your area that might be able to help (ie free legal advice, etc).

It sounds as if this man would have no problems leaving you in the lurch at the drop of a hat, so if you do some planning and act in a prepared manner you could save yourself all sorts of trouble later on. Just remember, you are doing this for a better future for yourself and your kids.

Good luck, I wish you all the inner strength you need!

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

Not giving you enough money for you and your kids to live off is domestic abuse. Specifically, it's called financial abuse. He has absolutely no right to deny you and your kids your basic necessities! Legally, you are entitled to part of the assets (I think it's half?) despite what he may want you to think. There are laws that were set up specifically for women who don't work as they are at home looking after children, to ensure that they weren't left with nothing when a relationship ends just because they were doing unpaid work - being mums! I agree with what's already been said, call legal AID and explain the situation, and definately get copies of all your financial papers. Before legal proceedings happen, I'd suggest you stay in the house and tell him to leave. Finding a rental for your children at this point would be very difficult. If he needs to, he can stay in a motel or something but you may not have that option. Apart from that, this will be a difficult time for your children anyway and would be compounded by the different surroundings of a new house plus the stress of moving. Once legal proceedings take place, you or your lawyer would work out with exH and his lawyer what would happen to the house and assets.

Best of luck to you! Let us know how it goes. *hugs*

[kelebek]

Hi all girls,

I wanted to send you lot's of , this must be a very difficult & confusing time for you at the moment.

he makes me feel like the biggest waste of space, we don't have joint accounts, he has his own money and doesn't give me any and has recently gone sailing in spain for almost 4 weeks and left me with $500

I did want to second what NJ said, it is financial abuse which is domestic violence & it sounds like he is probably verbaly abusive as well. I know it is probably something which is hard to admit because when people think of domestic violence they think of physical abuse but it is so much more, does he also isolate you from your friends & family?

See a family lawyer, seek legal aid, speak to a financial counsellor, speak to a domestic violence hotline, get as much info as you can. Do as lulu has said & make sure you photocopy all documents etc... I would also not leave the house it is unfair to uproot the girls, it is thier home as well. I would suggest that when/if you ask him to leave when the girls aren't around (either at school or someone's house) & I would call the police a few days before hand to let them know so if he does become physically violent they are more likely to get there quicker. Definitely change the locks, is it possible to have a male relative/friend there as well??

Goodluck with your decision...