MIL and feeding Olive solids

[Crystalwings]

I'm going through this thing with my MIL which makes it really difficult as DH says 'just leave it' but it really annoys me. My MIL fed Olive her first banana mixed with my bm while I was at work about 2mths ago which I was annoyed about then snuck food in to feed her while I was at work the next time she came over. She made the comment to DH that she will be "in trouble cause she fed her pineapple and banana" so why do it. I find it so frustrating and it wouldn't be such a big deal if she wasn't sneaky. I mean there was actually a reason that I was introducing things slowly, Olive was allergic to apples and pears and if I leave a certain food for her thats what I expect her to be fed. I'm recovering from an operation ATM so she came around yesterday. I had a sleep and when I woke up she had the bib on Olive and was hiding some mashed banana with orange juice mixed in on the bench and was acting really guilty. Now I wouldn't mind if she asked but why hide it? I explained that I hadn't tried Olive with orange juice as she had the reactions and it's quite acidic and she doesn't really like banana but she went on about vit C then fed it to her and made so many comments about how much she liked it even though she was screwing her face up. She also made some food for us and some vege mash for Olive which she said had sweet potato, turnips, swede and brocolli in it. She fed her some for lunch even though she had already had breakfast and the banana and Olive seemed to like it. Then later on when I decided to put the rest into a container to freese I niticed that there was chicken in it. WTF why lie? Why not just say there is chicken in it? It's sneaky and makes me not trust her.
DH says that she thinks that she is doing the right thing and that Olive needs it in her eyes but i'm over it. I'm the mother. A couple of months ago Olive was really sick and the doctor told me to water down her formula as we were weaning off the breast and it was to strong for her while she was sick which was about a week. Well my MIL asked the other week if we were still doing that as she was worried Olive wasn't getting enough nutrition! It makes me think she thinks we are stupid or something.
Thanks for reading this far and listening to my vent.
Should I say something? How can I nicely say "butt out!"

[boobaloo]

what is it with men who wont stand up to their mums??

i would just say to her that you appreciate that she's trying to help, but you are following dr's instructions on how to feed olive and they need to be stuck to. maybe mention that if she can't do that, you'll have to find someone to look after her who will.

good luck!

[MantaRay]

I know how you feel - I have similar issues with my MIL. Your DH is right, that she does THINK she's doing the right thing, but that's not the point. It's fine for her to think you are doing the wrong thing - I think most MILS do think that about their DILs, and part of it comes from the difference in recommendations and medical advice from when they were mums. I understand that. But it's NOT ok to act on it and do things against your wishes. My MIL feeds my boys things I'd prefer she didn't, and mostly I let it go as it's minor (but I do pull her up for spoon feeding my 4yo who is quite capable of feeding himself but knows that nanny will cave, and then expect all of us to feed him at the next meal!!). But I would not have let it go if she was feeding a baby those things. I would be livid in fact.

I know how hard it is and your DH probably feels like he can't win. But you do need to make it clear to both of them that there are things that are acceptable (such as grandma giving a toddler or pre-school kid a chocolate or similar treat), and some that are not (introducing a new food to a baby without your permission). Grandparents will be grandparents, which is why I pick my battles and let some things slide. But with most things, every member of the family knows where the line is that they are not to cross. I hope that makes sense.

GL hun. It's not an easy one.

[Ginger]

it's the sneakyness that annoys me the most.she is deliberately undermining your parenting.
your dh really needs to speak to her about it or it will keep going on with all types of issues about olive over the next few years (not just with regards to food) and will reach boiling point.

[Lulu]

I would just ask her why she insists on doing it when she knows it upsets you...

[lauren22]

what is it with men who wont stand up to their mums??

i would just say to her that you appreciate that she's trying to help, but you are following dr's instructions on how to feed olive and they need to be stuck to. maybe mention that if she can't do that, you'll have to find someone to look after her who will.

good luck!

:yeahthat:
My DF takes his mothers side too and i believe shes had her babies and she raised them how she wanted to this is your baby and you will feed her what you want to. DH needs to help you. Goodluck

[NaeNae]

Hmm, it makes me mad when I read posts about parents butting in like this.

Rather then getting DH to say something, i think its high time YOU had the conversation with her.
Be nice but firm " MIL, thank you for helping me so much with Olive, I know you have quite a bit of experience with babies so it is reassuring to know that she is in capable hands. Can I please ask you to not feed her anything that I don't know about. She gets plenty of nutrition and is perfectly healthy. We will decide when we want to introduce different solids into her diet."

If she comes back with any excuses you can always add the threat " I have asked you nicely not to feed DD food we have not introduced her to, if you cannot respect our/my wishes, we simply will not leave her in your care."

She needs putting back in her box and as Olives mother, you need to be the one to do it obviously your Dh isn't strong enough to stand up to his mum.

Nae x

[Winter]

My MIL would be scraping herself off the floor if she did this to me!

I think it is the height of disrespect to you as a mother to feed YOUR child food that you haven't approved.

If you DF wont say anything, I think you have to, being calm but firm.

Good Luck!!

[sirenz]

geez, next she will be shoving peanut butter down your dd throat! I know exactly how you feel. when my MIL came to visit, i came downstairs only to find her trying to teach ds how to give the finger!!! I LOST IT completely with her, i mean wtf?? why would you teach a then 15 month old that??

I think you need to put her in her place, and you need to do it now. I think if you are polite about it to her, she just won't listen, so you really need to be firm. Do what NaeNae said and refuse to let her look after your dd if she continues to disobey your rules.

GL with it, i know how frustrating and annoying it can be, ESPECIALLY when your dh won't stand up to her!

[dust]

thats a bit of a tough spot to be in. I dont have any issues with my MIL. My mum on the other hand i guess is just trying to help (as far as she can see) but when she visits now (both living in seperate states now) she will say something in a tone that's a bit harsh or doesn't need to be said e.g "you might want to change her bib now? shouldn't she have a bib on? etc)

I would suggest talking to your MIL. After all if this continues the whole sneak, guilty, comments to hubby it could get worse as years go bye.. by then your DH will be oblivious to it happening, thinks its the normal... you teach people how they are to treat you. Potentially what later down the track with MIL will she sneak and lie about? I know this is just over food, nutrition.. and she i feel does have the best of heart for whats best for Olive (In her eyes) Thats lovely, but she needn't go around youre back like this. If you could put it to her nicely and throw in a "doctor said shes allergic to...", "nurses say Olive has put on weight nicely...". "We both appreciate how much youve been helping with Olive and would love that you keep coming around."
After all, Olive is your child. Dh should support you in your mothering/nuturing role to Olive. As should MIL!
You also don't want this to blow up and have a cranky MIL! Have to agree with Mantaray on picking youre battles! (i grew up with my mum and her MIL (so my nan) always at each others throats. i dont remember them ever saying anything nice, sometimes not even speaking! My dad would always defend his mum(MIL) and it infuriated & saddened my Mum. Kids are very cluely on what's going on! )

[Rivlas]

When the GK's were smaller and had to feed them I just bought jars and fed them that. DD started getting them for me so I then just bought some when I did the shopping.

Maybe this is the way to go, send enough food for the time she is with your MIL and say you are trying these foods in case you need them when out.

As for anything acidic, definitely put a stop to it. I cannot have anything like pineapple, orange etc. because of the acid content and if she reacts then you have a very upset child.

As a grandmother I say tell her where you stand. She is your child so grandparents should respect you in the way you bring up your child/ren. Sure, things are different to when we had small children but in alot of cases the changes are for the better as we are better informed.

All the best as you deal with these issues.

[MantaRay]

Ah Rivlas, forget Nelle - come and be my mum LOL!

[Janie]

Haha MR, I know, we were all saying the same thing in the car on the way to the meet up last night!!!!

[Crystalwings]

Thankyou all for your replies and suggestions.
I hvaen't had the conversation yet as I haven't seen or spoken to MIL since the last incident. I did go to the clinic the other day though and Olive is in the top percentiles for her height, weight and HC so I must be doing something right! The nurse said it sounds as though she has the perfect diet so basically i'm going to use this to broach the subject I think. She also said that I should wait until 9mths before reintroducing foods that Olive had reactions to. I'm also planning on asking what exactly was in the chicken vege thing but basically i'm chucking it as I don't trust her! That may sound extreme but i'm still pretty cranky.
DH wants me to say something to her but as he wasn't home this time he feels that I should do it. I'm really nervous as I hate confrontation but hopefully if I approach the subject tactfully she won't react to badly and if she does then too bad. I'm pretty PO that he won't stand up to her though.
Rivlas - Thanks for your perspective and suggestions. I did leave the food(some avocado and spelt rusk) that I wanted Olive to be fed the second time she visited when I wasn't at home but she still fed her the banana and pineapple and made the comment about getting into trouble.
She doesn't come over all that often thankgod but I really hope we sort this out because ATM there is no way I want to leave Olive in her care without me being there.
Thanks again.

[Mumma2three]

I would be FURIOUS and would definitely throw the food out, I wouldn't trust her for a second. What she has done is a total breach of trust. How dare she. I have a DD with allergies and NO ONE and I mean no one, should play about with allergies. What if she reacted badly to something she's feeding her, would she know what to do?
Good luck, I feel for you, it's a hard thing to bring up , hope it all works out for you xoxo

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

TBH, this is why I never let my mother babysit DS because she wanted to do this. Get a better babysitter and explain it's because you just can't trust her. Maybe if she earns your trust then you'll consider letting her have time alone with Olive, but not now.

Then again, we have allergies too so I'm really strict with food.

[Rivlas]

Yeah, go with the MCHN angle only a bit thicker with out telling a lie. Especially with the allergies.
Also say when you speak to her that you are not being disreapectful but you need to consider your DD's well being before anything.
Also ask her that if she knows she is feeding her the wrong foods why is she doing it? If she cannot come up with a good answer then tell her that until you can trust her to feed Olive as you have asked you will not be leaving her in her care. it's then out in the open and it's also up to her how she reacts.
All the best.