Scared to go through labour again but want another baby....

**Roquen** · June 21st, 2009, 09:15 PM

Just hoping for some advice/support from anyone here who is trying for number 2, after a traumatic/upsetting first labour/birth/recovery?

I am terrified of going through it again, start getting upset just thinking about it.

My son is nearly 16 months and I am 29. I definitely want more children but the fear is there now and I don't know if I can get past it to try for another bubby.

**Phteven** · June 21st, 2009, 09:21 PM

Have you debriefed from your first birth? We have a debriefing forum here or maybe you could talk it through with a counsellor at your hospital. Talking it through might help you let go of the negative feelings and also help you to identify things that you might do differently next time.
After my first birth I wanted to cry every time I thought about it for months but then I started reading up on birth and labour during my second pregnancy and I realised that there were all sorts of things I could do so that my second birth was different.

**BellyBelly** · June 21st, 2009, 09:27 PM

I'd definitely recommend finding a Calmbirth practitioner in your area or seeing someone who specialises in birth debriefing. These are not usually psychologists but people working in the birth area who move into counselling and debriefing, who understand birth... where are you from?

**Nelle** · June 21st, 2009, 09:35 PM

Is there anything you could do to change things for a second time?

**Roquen** · June 21st, 2009, 09:54 PM

Thanks for the replies so far everyone.

I should get around to writing a debrief, I know women here have had much worse experiences that I did which makes me feel bad to whinge about mine I guess!

I looked into Calmbirth but there is nothing in my area (South Coast NSW - Shoalhaven area).

I think the fact it was 30 hours long scares me so much, it was so exhausting, I pushed for 7 hours (ended up with foreceps assisted delivery). I just don't know if I can ever do that again, there were times when I was certain I was dying or had pretty much died, but stubborn lil me kept refusing a CS! It was all worth it of course, just wish I could get over the memories of the pain, the things that upset me (episiotomy without being told, bub taken away while I was in recovery not getting to BF for an hour, OB threatening a CS every 30 minutes when I just wanted to focus on getting through the contractions etc!).

We took 8 months to conceive, I've just finished BF and gone back on the pill, but feel like my body is ready to try again, the thought of TTC again is exciting but the bit at the end is a worry lol.

Plenty of things I could fight harder for next time round, but the potential of a long labour at that pain level again truly scares the hell out of me....

**Phteven** · June 21st, 2009, 10:01 PM

I'm going to pop this into the labour forum for you

Second labours are generally much shorter than first labours so it is unlikely that you will be in labour for so long. Being upright can help with the length and ease of labour so that is something to keep in mind.
You can help your DH/DP (other support people) help you by telling them the ways in which they have to be your advocate. They can tell the staff not to take your baby away because you want it to stay with you. They can tell the ob that you don't want to hear the c word until it is 100% nessescary and so on.

You don't need to feel like you have no right to be upset because other people had worse experiences than you. Just because you think someone else had it worse than you that doesn't mean that your pain isn't valid. if we all followed this thinking then no-one would be able to own their pain because there is always someone worse off...

**Nelle** · June 21st, 2009, 10:15 PM

My advice would be to look into a good support person or doula who can advocate for you. Then those worries can be lifted off your shoulders, knowing that if the issue comes up, there will be someone there who can go in to bat for you while you can stay focussed.

**KatieRabbit** · June 21st, 2009, 10:32 PM

What the others have all said, but I also found that writing my birth story has helped a lot and having big cries while writing it has been so beneficial in processing the event. I just give myself 15 mins every few weeks and I type into a word document a paragraph or two. I still haven't finished it but I find that sometimes I sit for ages typing but I start with 15 mins as sometimes it seems a bit overwhelming to even get started. And definately a doula would be really helpful, as mentioned and reading some really empowering literature on positive birthing. My first labout and delivery wasn't what I had planned or hoped for but am ready for a second one! It does take some work but is highly do-able.

**Visitor8** · June 22nd, 2009, 09:32 AM

oh I hear you hun. I was the same when I got pregnant with Chase. Jaidans birth was horrific. 47.5 hours, serious tearing and it was just terrible. I was in hospital for 9 days because I couldn't walk and everything hurt so bad, my recovery was long and painful and that was with a natural vaginal delivery, I didn't have any intervention except epi. I had so many doctors and nurses in there because Jaidan was stuck. Eventually they realised that while I was dialated my cervix was still partially closed over so poor Jaidan was banging his head against a closed hole so to speak. They had to forcefully and painfully open it and Jaidan was born a sick little bubba because of the long stressful delivery and spent a few days in NICU with sepsis and breathing dificulties. So when I fell pregnant with Chase I was so so scared of what I was going to go through.

But Chases delivery was lovely. I actually enjoyed it. I got to birth on my side and guide him out myself. I had one midwife there with me not 100, and no doctors. It was very personal, intimate and special. His is the one I treasure (Ashton is a whole other story!).

Just because you have one bad birth experience, doesn't mean that the second one can't be a lovely one to remember.

**Ozziehoffy** · June 22nd, 2009, 03:02 PM

I'd definitely recommend finding a Calmbirth practitioner in your area or seeing someone who specialises in birth debriefing. These are not usually psychologists but people working in the birth area who move into counselling and debriefing, who understand birth... where are you from?

EXACTLY what I was going to suggest too! I swear by it. The lady we went to also did intense weekend courses for those who like you aren't in a position to do the usual 4 separate lessons. Maybe you could look into something like that where you go to Sydney or where the closest is for the weekend? Just a thought as they do help you to move past and deal with your fears so you can move on and forward. Let us know how you go with it all.

**danniellabella** · June 22nd, 2009, 03:05 PM

Thank you so much for posting this. I'm feeling scared about ever having another bub because of my birth experience with J. That is one reason why I'm waiting until she's 3 or 4

**Roquen** · June 22nd, 2009, 06:51 PM

Thanks everyone, I can't believe what great support and advice is always here for us on Belly Belly, I really appreciate it.

I will definitely look into doing calm birth lessons and will ask around about doulas down here.

It's so nice to hear that people have had a better experience second time around too, really helps to hear that as all I have are negative memories about it, keep going over it all in my head so much....

Thanks everyone xoxoox

**Roquen** · February 5th, 2013, 01:46 PM

Hi all, I resurrected this while scanning through my old posts today as I wanted to give a belated update. I ended up having a wonderful, easy, 4 hour homebirth, with no assistance at all, and smiled the whole way through it! I read Ina May's guide to childbirth and the Hypnobirth book and have a wonderful midwife who did home visits and helped me educate myself and train my mind to be able to stay calm :-) I now have a wonderful 2 year old daughter to show for it :-)