Help Me Find Grace, when I'd rather run & hide...

[Winter]

Do you think there is a way to be "graceful" in your everyday dealings with people? I don't mean it in the sense of the ballerina type physical "grace" but in the emotional sense of being dignified, in control, generous, helpful etc in our behaviour.

The reason I ask, is because I think this is something I really need to work on in myself in my dealings with my MIL especially. My not-so-good old fallback is the "avoid & ignore" while I silently seethe and create an atmosphere of silent tension. It makes me feel like a petulent teenager and I would rather be more dignified than that.

With people I know, eg my own mother & DH, I don't behave like this, I talk about what is bugging me and then its over with.

I will never see eye-to-eye with my MIL. I understand that I have no control over her behaviour, I can only control my own.

So, what do you do to be gracious when your first reaction is to avoid?

[Jas]

hmm well one way I know is to pray for the person, its hard to be angry at someone if you r praying for them.

Um I don't know sometimes when people do things that I see as wrong I TRY TO SEE THE REASON WHY EVERYONE HAS A STORY TO TELL AND A HISTORY AND PAST HURTS ETC AND SOMETIMES IF YOU FINd the reason why they behave in a certain way it makes it easier.

Sometimes it takes letting go and forgiving the person for what they do to you and this sometimes feels like it would be giving up power but actually it's about gaining power its all about you nothing about them about freeing yourself from the burden or hurt or anger etc

I hope there is something in there that helps or someone else has something to offer

[Winter]

I'm bumping this because in this community of wise women, I'm sure there are some of you with coping strategies that I can learn from.

Help me become the graceful, dignified woman that I just KNOW is lurking inside my "surly when ruffled" exterior....

[littlelara]

I posted not long ago about developing compassion, maybe you can find something in there

[Bathsheba]

I agree with Jas: looking at your MIL in a broader sense (imagining her childhood experience) can help. This is my main strategy with dealing with my own mother with grace. On the surface my mother is a very difficult person to like... but once you put this behaviour into the context of her life experience, especially during her formative childhood years, it helps to explain why she is the way she is. It doesn't EXCUSE her... just explains it... subtle but important difference.

Other than that it help to know yourself... acknowledge your weaknesses so they don't sneak up on you. I know that personally I have my weak spots. Hearing people make broad sweeping statements about mothers (judging them) and the raising of children (harsh methods) can really get my blood boiling. But as I have grown older I notice the symptoms of anger within me earlier... and I address them. I start to deliberatley pause before speaking. Take extra care to chose my words carefully. Also I remind myself that many people actually feel more comfortable in a conflict situation that a calm one. I know it sounds strange. A book called Families and How to Survive Them taught me this... it was a pivotal moment in developing grace under fire!!!

I would accept that there will always be people like your MIL who push your buttons. Try to get yourself into a mindset that you actually welcome the challenge of getting along with her for the sake of peace within your family. Of course you don't have to pretend that you like her... but you can get real good at showing her a basic level of respect. With a bit of luck she will, on some level, acknowledge this and reflect this respect back at you. Learn to use the phrase "lets agree to disagree then" I have found it really useful. And don't forget to use eye contact instead of words if the moment is getting tricky. Sometimes a certain look (not aggressive, more a look that says "I wonder what you are trying to say?" does the trick. In a power struggle the dominant person will use cues like body language and eye contact to assert control... by keeping and maintaining eye contact you are conveying a refusal to bow down. Make sure that you are thinking respectful thoughts at the time though! Goodluck!

[thepixie]

Winter this is such a great thread.... unfortunately I don't feel I've been particularly graceful in my dealings with others lately so not sure I can contribute much of use.
In some cases I try to remind myself that others press our buttons because they remind us of what we don't like in ourselves. I have found this a useful thought, especially when I take a strong dislike to someone for no good reason - remembering this I have managed to get over it completely. It's a whole lot harder when we have complicated family relationships with people and struggle to figure out what is a genuine personality clash and what comes from manipulation, jealousy, etc.
Anyway I hope you find a way to hold your head up with your MIL. Try to remember that if she is trying to bring you down its because she feels second best. Maybe that will help you stay calm and detached.

[thepixie]

Winter this is such a great thread.... unfortunately I don't feel I've been particularly graceful in my dealings with others lately so not sure I can contribute much of use.
In some cases I try to remind myself that others press our buttons because they remind us of what we don't like in ourselves. I have found this a useful thought, especially when I take a strong dislike to someone for no good reason - remembering this I have managed to get over it completely. It's a whole lot harder when we have complicated family relationships with people and struggle to figure out what is a genuine personality clash and what comes from manipulation, jealousy, etc.
Anyway I hope you find a way to hold your head up with your MIL. Try to remember that if she is trying to bring you down its because she feels second best. Maybe that will help you stay calm and detached.

[Bathsheba]

That's very true Pixie... it's very common for people to dislike the VERY thing they dislike about themselves... selfish people can't stand selfishness in others... sensitive people are often the ones to be annoyed by other people's sensitivities etc. I'm as just as much to blame... but it's interesting.

[Astrid]

That's very true Pixie... it's very common for people to dislike the VERY thing they dislike about themselves... selfish people can't stand selfishness in others... sensitive people are often the ones to be annoyed by other people's sensitivities etc. I'm as just as much to blame... but it's interesting.

I wonder it is to do will guilt and self protection. If you point out how bad someone else's bad point is, then in comparison you don't look as bad?

Also been mulling. How does our bad behaviours influence others? If someone is selfish, then does your selfish side come out? There is an ex-friend of ours is just plain selfish and ungrateful. If you have her around when there is a dip platter, she will "cherry pick" all the best bits. We got sick of the platter being picked over and nothing being left for the other guests who were due to arrive and of course, nothing being left for us, that we began to only put out some of the platter, reserving the rest for later. Her selfishness made us selfish with our hospitality. In addition to this she has also lost a friendship over this when as she accused a good friend of cherry picking. I actually wonder if he cherry picked, because she cherry picked?

[Bathsheba]

Astrid: I don't really know the answer however from my observation people can differ depending on how much they stick to their own compass. I annoy DH a lot by constantly reminding him not to "use other people's faults to excuse your own". Not that I am able to rise above it all the time myself... but I'm aware of that phenomenon. This is probably why I am fairly choosy about my friends... i like to surround myself with people who bring out the best in me... it works both ways of course. Also people are not as static as I think we generally assume. I know that one day I can feel generous and kind and tolerant.... then a week later I'm the opposite (but trying to hide it). All in all I think the best we can do is cultivate a confident (but compassionate) personality... if we have the skills to help people be their best then everyone wins. And sometimes we also have to let people (and ourselves fail) sometimes it's the best way to learn... feeling crappy can be a great motivator.

I reckon I sound like I have all the answers... but I don't... I'm just wired to enjoy watching people and observe "cause and effect". Watching is different to do-ing. I struggle to follow my own advice a lot of the time.

ETA: I would have staggered the platter too Astrid... different people different strategies.

[LionsandBears]

This is a very interesting topic. Having grace in difficult times is easier when you're prepared. It's the "I wasn't expecting that comment" scenario that floors me. And being tired, hungry etc means my defences are down and makes things harder to deal with.

However, if I'm better prepared and grounded, one of the best techniques I've found is a visual application of a gestalt therapy tool. Say you have a disagreement with someone. You sit in one chair, with an empty chair in front of you. You say your side of things, then get up and sit in the other chair and BE the other person and say their side of things. In therapy, the therapist asks questions to get answers from both perspectives. I've used it to understand things like why a guy dumped me etc - I was able to see me from his perspective. I've since tried doing it just by myself when I'm trying to understand where someone else is coming from.

The visual side of this, is when you're talking with someone you disagree with, is to visualise you are standing where they are, looking back at you. What do they (you) see, how does that make them feel (you), why are they (you) reacting the way they are? I did this with my Dad. I've always felt that he is controlling and manipulative and it drives me insane. We've had huge arguments about things. We may never get along, but doing this once, I felt that I(he) wasn't trying to control me, I(he) was just feeling insecure and wanted to get closer to me but didn't know how, so was trying to force my hand. Does that make sense? It's not a cure-all, but it helped me back down from my position a little. It's not as effective as physically changing chairs, but it helps.

I suppose it's a form of practising compassion. I just wish the other person would do the same

The other thing I've found in arguments, is they often escalate because no-one wants to look like thy're backing down and losing their position. This is where the "agree to disagree" is useful to defuse things. It says I'm not willing to fight with you about this. I'm letting it go.

[Winter]

I try to have compassion for her, but she says things that I just find hard to find any compassion for.

Here's an example of what happened the last time she was here; bit of background first.
MIL's sister A had a baby at 19 that she gave up for adoption. Her strict, religious family sent her away to have the baby to avoid the disgrace. A stayed away after baby and very quickly ie 6 months after birth got married to a man the family didn't know on the quiet.

Now we were talking and I was told that A might lose her job soon, as her contract was not up for renewal. I said "oh that's terrible, are you worried about A?" MIL says "no, A has had plenty of opportunities over the years to save money" with a sour tone as if A had made her bed, she can lie in it sort of way. I said, "that's a bit cold, isn't it?" which I probably shouldn't, but it just sounded so danm cold the way she said it! MIL starts with "Well, I'd never see her out on the street, but you know, she really upset the family with all that baby stuff and getting married...blah blah" and goes into some more of the background that does not, let me tell you, show MIL in a good light!!

Remeber that all of this happened 40 years ago!! And A is still the naughty girl who got pregnant!

I think she shouldn't have been gossiping about A, she didn't pick up on any of my verbal or body cues that the subject was making me annoyed and I would prefer that she drop it.

My compassion is for A, but what do you think?

[thepixie]

In a way I think if you take one step further back you could even pity her for being so wrapped up in the past that it has clearly poisoned her. I doubt it's something you could ever say to her, but it might make it easier in your own mind ITMS.

[Winter]

Yeah, I get your point Pixie, its obviously that things have happened in her life that have affected her.

I will strive for compassion.

Tashybabe, that's for your input too, I appreciate the benefit of being able to see both sides.

[fionas]

I agree with Bath and Pixie. I think in that situation, while her reactions are hard to fathom, you just have to feel sorry for her that she is so wrapped up in the past and so lacking in compassion for her sister that her life would surely have been the sourer for it.

DP's family has lots of stuff going on at the moment and TBH I just end up feeling sorry for the lot of them. Sorry for the BIL and the SIL who can't stop *****ing about the other brother because it really is affecting their lives because they can't let it go - and sorry for the other brother that he can't swallow his pride and apologise for his bad behaviour.

In some ways, feeling sorry for people is kind of a superior attitude - "oh you poor things, if only you could handle things as well as I am because I have more going on in my life than worrying about who did/said what" - but on the other it WORKS.

I think that perhaps you could delve into her emotions a bit more but in a very, very calm and detached way. That could lead to a better understanding of her. On the other hand, you could just find an internal way of not being bothered. There's no right or wrong answer.

[fionas]

Winter, I just wanted to explain a bit more about what I meant particularly as I know you've read my other thread about dealing with DP's ex-wife.

I guess my first response (after being angry with her) was to try to understand her. I put out the olive branch and gave her lots of opportunities to offer some explanation for her actions.

That didn't work.

So I guess I've now come to the conclusion that she has lost her daughter and she is totally unwilling to acknowledge that she has made mistakes. In my book, that makes her a pretty unevolved person and I think her life is worse for it. It takes a strong and courageous person to recognise that they've made mistakes but ultimately it makes them and their relationships happier.

So after trying to understand her, now I feel sorry for her and I no longer want to 'fix' her. I've tried every which way and nothing works so now I just feel sorry for her because that is better for me than feeling angry with her.

[LionsandBears]

Yes - sometimes dealing with people is just like banging your head up against the wall. It doesn't matter how compassionate or composed you are, it's not going to stop them whinging about something or everything. I think some people just love misery. In which case, I try not to engage with them. You could turn it into a reward system - I ignore you when you're whinging or saying negative things. When you say positive things, I engage with you (though you don't say this of course ). I used to always disagree with my brothers first wife - we could see eye-to-eye on nothing and it did my head in. In the end, I just talked about the weather or innocuous stuff like that and disengaged everytime it got into something I had issues with. If someone wants to behave like a victim, it doesn't mean I have to behave like an abuser. That's their life path to walk down and i wish them luck with it. Put it down to a cultural differences and let it go, if you can.

What's that saying Dr Phil has? "And how does that work for you?" classic

Sorry if that didn't make sense - bit vague today

[Bathsheba]

Just to add a little: I don't think anyone loves being miserable or angry... but it can become "normal" for them. It often happens within families. Tension is the status quo from day one. It's what they all accept as normality. The children in the family just grow up thinking that's how life is... they don't know any different. When you reach adulthood you are meant to realise what is normal and what is not but it's not as easy as it sounds...the spectrum of normality is very wide. The natural thing to many people is to just keep being who they are... and part of maintaining normality is to choose partners that make you feel comfortable and "at home with"... partners that fit in with what you perceive as normal... and this affects all relationships. Some people continue through life just not realising that there is an alternative... and some people actually feel so unfamiliar with healthier people (people who are open, honest, cheerful etc) that this really throws them. It feels so foreign that their discomfort turns into something negative. This is totally subconscious... they are as able to change who they are as speak a foreign language. This is why i feel sorry for them. I agree that this can seem superior. But i know too that if I was thrust into a situation where the majority were more emotionally healthier than me I would flounder too!

Imagine, say, walking into a house where everyone was completely at peace with themselves with no hang-ups and emotional weaknesses. At first you might say "oh that would be great!" but wait until they expect to to be the same! Imagine if it was the status quo to say, gather together at the end of the day and tell everyone how much you appreciate them... this meant standing up infront of everyone and basically making a little public speech. Remember that no-one in this house has any emotional hang ups... public speaking doesn't bother them at all. Then it comes to you. You don't want to do it. It feels uncomfortable. you're too shy. But you're feeling the pressure to do it. You start to hate these people because they have these weird expectations of you. Ugh, they're all looking at you. Who do they think they are anyhow?

Fiona made a good point that being forgiving/compassionate is not just for the person who is floundering... but for yourself. Staying angry is hard work and it always hurts you more than the person you are ****ed off with. She's right, forgiving is easier and healthier... doesn't mean you have to like the person but it allows you to be at peace with their weaknesses.

Of course this is all well and good in theory...