Teen Drama Queen - Is It Because She Thinks She's Boring?

[fionas]

DSD has a friend who often drives her a bit nuts because she's a bit of a drama queen. Someone's looked at her the wrong way/said the wrong thing at school and the world's about to end. Last night she called DSD at 11pm and said she'd been thrown out of home.

I got DSD to phone the girl's mum (she knows her quite well) and find out the facts. No, she hadn't been thrown out of home, there'd been a bit of a row about nothing and she left of her own accord. Anyhow, was v proud of DSD - she did a ringaround of her mates, arranged somewhere for her to stay and then rang her mum back to let her know she was OK.

I've met the friend and she's not the most interesting girl. I've met adults like her too whose lives seem to revolve around *****ing about people, constantly trying to find the next thing to be "offended" about, endless debriefings about who said what and what was meant.

I guess my question is, d'you think that people create dramas because they actually know they're a bit boring and they think that makes them more interesting?

[cindyb]

I don't have an intelligent answer for you sorry but i just wanted to say that i am soooo not looking forward to teen years with my two girls! Already there is drama galore

[Lulu]

DD had a friend like that... I don't know if they know they are boring or actually fear they are boring or don't measure up in some other way.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I had a friend who did this. Her parents were loving, but REALLY pushy. It was her way of just escaping the home pressures. Maybe there's something going on in this girl's life that her friends aren't picking up on because it's normal for her to live like that and it's always been like that when they visit the house. Might not be pushiness but could be something.

[Lulu]

Funny you say that Zaidie - the mother of this same friend called me concerned that the girls were fighting. She wanted them to be friends again - I told her I had no idea what she expected me to do (they were FOURTEEN!!) and that it was pretty much between the two.

What I felt like saying was - your daughter is a drama queen to the point she carried on at DD's birthday, carries on at school and threatens to break the friendship of anyone that speaks to my daughter, and all her friends are sick of it - yet are kind enough not to tell her to eff off.
MY daughter is so sick of it that she doesn't want to continue the friendship and isn't making a drama out of it so not to make everyone uncomfortable so why can't you both just leave it alone?

*sigh

[~Kaz~]

My theory is that people always behave in ways that meet their needs, even in they're not aware of doing so. Adolescence is a time when massive changes are happening so it's too early to say that this girl is going to definintely have a dramatic personality style but she could be headed that way. I'm not sure she would think she's boring as such, she might even believe she's quite interesting because of all the dramatic things that keep happening to her - to you (and probably me) looking in from the outside, people like this often appear to have very little of substance going on in their lives or relationships but I think some people just need to have lots of interpersonal drama in their lives. It meets some kind of need - either for attention, a sense of importance, a way of attracting others to them, a way of feeling a bit excited about life, a way of avoiding other issues, of expressing themselves, resolving conflict and alleviating boredom would be another. It could even be related to the way their brains are wired in terms of neurotransmitters etc. Taken to the extreme (in an adult), creating and chasing drama is usually considered a personality disorder (when it causes significant problems in the individual's life and relationships). Does she appear to 'get over' the dramas as quickly as they arose? Or does she hold on to each drama and milk it for all it's worth? This would say different things about her emerging personality style and the reasons she chases dramas.

I reckon she sounds a bit self centred (what teen isn't though?) and possibly has fragile self esteem and so is prone to catastrophising the worst possible interpretation of events. She may have also been raised in a way where getting caught up in dramas was modelled as an effective way to solve problems (then again she may not have but creating drama got her attention in a non-dramatic family itms?).

Sounds like your DSD has good boundaries though. It would be interesting to see what this girl does if her friends stopped getting caught up in and responding to her 'dramas'.

[AnyDream]

I don't think it's boringness, but the biochemical rush of having a drama that drama-queens crave. It does sometimes seem that way. I had a long conversation about personality disorders just the other day - those grey areas of mental health dysfunction - and I believe that the constant drama-making is a feature of one or two of the recognised ones. Often the person has a way of viewing the world that is triggered by certain events - it might something like fear of abandonment, or need to control the people around them in order to feel emotionally secure.

Having a drama to generate attention is a skill we all possess, I'm sure (think of your average 2 year old, and we've all been 2 before LOL). It's a question of what the payoff is. For example, if I as an adult have a tantrum about something, I have to deal with the embarrassment of it, so I'm inclined to NOT have those sorts of dramas, by using other skills to get what i need. But if I haven't yet developed those skills, or have always been rewarded with attention, getting my way, manipulating people who comply in order to avoid the drama etc, then the payoff is much greater, and i"m less likely to resort to a more mature toolkit for getting my needs met.

Don't forget though that your DSD's friend *is* a teenager, and the row was with her mother, so it may well be something developmentally normally like seeking to establish her autonomy - she could be more moody at this age and then mellow as she grows. The drama she's experiencing is utterly real to her - which makes it harder to deal with. I'm sure having a friend like your DSD who can acknowledge how she's feeling and at the same time re-frame the events to give a different more balanced perspective is very good for her. Eventually tho DSD is gonna have to decide how much 'work' she's prepared to put into the friendship, and whether she's getting a return for her efforts.

ETA Kaz - I didn't read your post before I posted, but we're on the same page!! LOL

[Rivlas]

Good on your daughter for doing what she did, you must be very proud of her.
I think she should confront this girl and tell her that she has had enough of her behaviour and her lying. She chose to leave at that time of night, then tell a lie, then expects others to fix her lies. She needs to be told to think/consider others just not herself. She might be surprised what she sees, that there are other people on earth besides herself
What parent wants the phone ringing that time of night, let alone her DD having to deal with something she shouldn't have to.

[misty]

I wasn't a drama queen as a teenager, because I was (and am) a very private person. But I do remember (especially when I read back through my diary) how dramatic and OTT everything felt. Even little things which were really nothing seemed like such an emotional rollercoaster. I believe (in hindsight) I also had depression as a teenager, which no doubt made everything even more dramatic and OTT. It literally felt like the simplest thing was the end of the world.

Depression amongst teenagers is extremely common, and often displays itself in a completely different manner to how it might in an adult. Being a dramaqueen may be a symptom of this. I wish someone had of been able to tell me what was wrong with me as a teenager, because I had no idea, and struggled with many things that everyone else seemed to think shouldn't have even mattered at all.

Just a thought that maybe something similar is going on with this girl??

[AnyDream]

I think she should confront this girl and tell her that she has had enough of her behaviour and her lying.

I don't think the girl in question is actually lying. She's just perceiving/processing what's happened through a clouded inner filter. She needs help - to clean that filter up so that it's useful to her - not condemnation.

[Rivlas]

Sorry, I might have said it the wrong way.
I meant to say she needs to know that her behaviour is wrong but in a nice way.
I know school is finished for the year so not much can be done now but maybe at the start of next school year, if she is still like this, she could talk to the school councillor or someone like that.

[AnyDream]

It's definitely a learning process, isn't it Rivlas. I agree someone in her life needs to help her learn how to curtail this behaviour. She needs to understand this before she hits adulthood, or life is gonna get a lot harder.

[Lulu]

Peers can be pretty good for this, might be a steep learning curve though. Hopefully she will grow out of it.

[Curly]

It's attention seeking. She is desperately seeking reassurance that people care about her. Boring she may or may not be...I'd say she doesn't know who she is yet and doesn't have a strong sense of her own identity as a person or much in the way of a sense of self-worth.

It is emotional neediness that is causing this behaviour. Same with your daughter's friend, Lulu. She is frightened nobody likes her and that she doesn't have any true friends.

[Lulu]

Distinct possibility Curly - however it gets hard on those around them.

My DD's friend seemed to get more and more possessive no matter how much reassurance she received. The big fuss at DD's party for example was that she carried on like a pork chop (in the middle of everyone having a ball) because she thought she wasn't invited to stay overnight (only 2 girls were allowed to stay over after the party) and she was.
One of the reasons she did get the invite to stay was because she seemed rather sensitive and I pushed for DD to invite her...for this reason.
They had quite a big group of friends at the time, and the behaviour was escalating. Even after all the fuss was resolved she kept stepping it up. DD was getting tired of it, everyone else was tired of it because as much as people made an effort for her not to feel left out it was never enough.

I felt for this girl (being a teen is hard) and I could see the effort my DD made for her, and also how it was being thrown back in her face when she got nastier and nastier.

DD left that school shortly after (not because of this) to go to another one and was quite relieved to leave it all behind.

[Inanna]

Well my DD14 is a drama queen & it is a damn difficult behaviour to deal with. Fiona the way your DSD dealt with this is so mature & loving. Good on her - she did just what was needed.

My daughter lives in constant chaos and constant drama. She has ASD which doesn't help with the chaotic side - & I suspect she creates drama as a way to feel like she fits in. She struggles desperately with being liked and likeable.

I try (and fail miserably at times) to not be pulled into her dramas. She is always late, disorganised, someone is looking at her the wrong way, spoke to her the wrong way, is jealous of her...

I use language like: "so you see it as Amy is criticising your jeans because she stared at you"? "Could it be that she was day dreaming & you were in her gaze?" "Could it be that she liked your jeans & was wondering what brand they were?"... etc etc
It is exhausting & I get absolutely spent from the behaviour. So my empathy goes to this childs Mama Fiona... It's hellish..

The key is to remain calm & unmoved by her dramatic behaviour... That is hard but the more reaction she gets the more she will act out... (in my experience at least)

It is hard because I literally take little notice of most of what DD says...

She can't set the table without dramatically tripping, falling, spilling etc etc. I don't react to anything bar behaviour that I want to enforce.

[~Kaz~]

Inanna - just want to offer you a massive It is hard to live with behaviour like that. I hope you don't mind my asking (ignore if you do) what does ASD stand for?

It does sound like you're doing all you can by reinforcing non-dramatic behaviour and reality testing with her.

[Inanna]

Autistic spectrum disorder Kaz. She has Aspergers.