Will it always be so hard?

[NaeNae]

coming up to 6 weeks in, christmas is literally days away, I love my little girl but I really feel so sad for the one thats no longer here. I hate the question " is she your first" i hate the expectation that i am "over it" and that i have "moved on" i get so angry when people say i should be grateful for the baby i have now.

yes i should be thrilled that i have a beautiful, healthy baby and i am but sometimes when i look at her she feels like a substitute for the one i lost, while i love her dearly i have referred to her by her big sisters name and it tears me up.

I have not felt much like celebrating xmas this year, its our first as a family but its not complete and i feel so sad by that. people forget about nikita or think that we are no longer affected by her absence, i am and it feels worse this year because we have shae then i feel guilty because of that.

so tell me, i know i won't be the first to feel like this and sadly i won't be the last, does it get easier? do special occasions feel happier as the years go by??

Nae x

[Arimeh]

I have no real advice but wanted to give you lots of and

I know my sister still acknowledges her stillborn on her birthday and christmas day, and this year is the first year I have forgotten to get Phoebe a present from us. Too wrapped up in my own world I guess

BTW - I hope my PM to you the other day didn't upset you?

[skeetaboat]

I couldn't read without offering hugs.

I don't have much advice coz I haven't been through it myself.

Maybe - if you feel up to it - you could have some kind of memorial on Christmas day to remind your loved ones that your beautiful Nikita is not, and should not, be forgotten. I have heard that this kind of memorial, though heart-wrenching, is also very helpful for releasing the feelings you are experiencing.

I can't imagine how hard it must be and I can't believe people have said those kinds of comments to you. Those kind of comments must hurt so much.

I hope someone else has something more helpful to offer. xxxxxx

[Isadora]

I'm sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby girl, she will always be in your heart and thoughts. I guess as time goes past it does get easier, but her birthday and christmas will be especially hard for you. xox

[~clover~]

I just realised it would be my angel BIL's birthday today. I think he'd be about 21. He was just 3 months old when he left earth.
Nikita is still your baby girl & I can't imagine how hard it is for you. But she would want you to enjoy your first christmas with her baby sister She is there with you too x

[NaeNae]

BTW - I hope my PM to you the other day didn't upset you?

oh goodness no Mel i am just a bit emotional today, damn emotions

[Spring Angel]

I know exactly how you feel hun and you have my sympathy

It does slowly get easier. Perhaps easier isn't the right word, it will always hurt so much but you learn that it is ok to be happy again. I still miss my lad crazy and I find it is especially hard around special occasions.

We have a bauble on the tree with his name, on Christmas day we light a special Christmas candle and burn it all day in memory of him. I used to get him presents, but now I right a special card to him and put it in his memory box. If people around you don't acknowledge your little girl then I think the best thing to do is to include her in your close family traditions. I find acknowleding our angels and not just pretending that everything is ok is the best way to get through special days.

HTH

Spring xx

Oh and the 'is this your first' type questions always sting but I've developed a rule. If I'm going to see the person again I tell them the truth, if they are a stranger (eg at a checkout) I say yes. I sort of think yes this is my first child, my other is an extra special angel.

[~mamaspice~]

Oh Naenae, I don't have much advice to give but just wanted to give you a big
I like the idea of doing something special for Nikita. Perhaps you could have a beautiful angel ornament on the tree for her too?
She will certainly be with you in spirit, and just remember that Nikita is undoubtably little Shae's guardian angel, and Shae couldn't wish for a better guardian angel than her big sister.

[Lisa]

For me, it had got easier but Christmas time is always difficult. I do my own thing for Noah every year and I find an Angel of some type and buy it for him for Christmas. Sometimes I buy a few things. I also buy him an angel for his birthday too... it just feels right for me as I buy my earth babies presents for christmas and birthdays too.

When I had Harrison, DH & I would slip up all the time and call him Noah. It would break my heart... but soon enough we found it okay when we called him Noah and we'd have a little giggle because we know Harrison is just as beautiful as Noah, so it was just natural for us to call him by his big brothers name. FWIW, we still slip up now and call Anelise "Harrison" or "Noah". I don't know what gets me through... I think it is knowing that my babies are all special in their own way for lots of different reasons, and Noah is extra special because he is my big angel baby.

Your beautiful girl will always be a very important and special part of your life and of your family as I know you already know.
Please know you're always in my heart & thoughts, especially at this time of year. Hugs sweetie.

[jackrose]

I never thought of the impact the question "Is she your first" would have. But of course, it would be a horrible question to face. It is wonderful that you have Shae as a part of your family now, but that does not take away the fact that you do have another little girl.

she feels like a substitute for the one i lost, while i love her dearly i have referred to her by her big sisters name and it tears me up.

Maybe as time goes on and Shae grows into her personality a bit more you will find it easier to see her as her own person, all the while remembering Nikita in her own way. It is only natural to feel as you do and confuse their names. To me, it makes me think that Nikita is a strong presence around you and I think that is lovely.

FWIW, even if it seems that people have forgotten Nikita, please remember that she has not been. I often think of Nikita believe it or not. I was really moved by your story and Nikita has a little place in my heart too. I know that may not mean much as we don't actually know each other, but, she is remembered.

Take care, and love to your family, the whole lot of you, over Christmas. x

[thepixie]

Nae, as some others have said I don't have anything to offer but hugs.

FWIW, even if it seems that people have forgotten Nikita, please remember that she has not been. I often think of Nikita believe it or not. I was really moved by your story and Nikita has a little place in my heart too. I know that may not mean much as we don't actually know each other, but, she is remembered.

I couldn't have said this better than jackrose.... Nikita is very real to me, and I too think of her often. She still lives in our hearts Nae, just as she does in yours.

[Footsteps]

nae, as you know nikita is not forgotten by me. i can only say how much you and both your darling angels are loved and cared about by us women here on bb. take care of yourself xxxxx

[Rach75]

its my 7th xmas without my Katy Rose, and while I do miss her and wish she was here to celebrate with us I know she is watching over me... I made a promise to her that I would love life for her, so I make a point of enjoying the little things because she can't ... I have to say in my case having Jack the past 3 xmas has made a huge difference and having Luke with us this year is even better... we have personalised baubles and one of them is for Katy, this year I am getting a koolaman deisgned neckalce with 3 pendants one for each of my beautiful babies...

you will never forget Nikita but trust me with time, the ache the pain the sheer ugghhhh of everything does get easier...

[Liviam]

Oh Naenae I don't have the words but I want to send you heaps of and please remember that we remember Nikita on here and will celebrate all her birthdays, christmas and special events with you, Shae and Nikita. Shae is incredibly lucky to such a beautiful big "angel" sister as her guardian angel.
I could not even fathom the difficulty, pain, grief and sorrow of losing a child. My heart is breaking for you and all the gorgeous women who unfortunatley know this pain too well.