teenage kids can be so cruel and oblivious to parents realities of money and health.

[sue1386]

teenage children can be so oblivious to the realities of their parents finances and health.

i raised a bunch of kids on my own
with an ex that didnt pay child support
and dragged me through court for years to avoid it
i was already quite burnt out from overworking for decades during the marriage as he was a conartist and would trick me into signing for his huge debts
and so i was forced to overwork for years and live in poverty paying off his continuous huge debts that in fact were supporting a partying double life, while he would tell me he was working he was actually partying

i see how oblivious my kids are to my exhaustion, and the lack of money and what i carried all these years alone

some kids were troubled or sick from the huge trauma we went through from my ex, stress comes out in different ways i had exhaustion migraines stomache aches other of the kids had other ways it came out in, eg anorexia

one teen was trying to work a little bit as a teen but then wasnt reliable in reportingtheir earnings so centrelink would stop their payments as a teen and i would ahve to support them totally with no health no money and so so so much extra. it was crushing the weight of wht i was carrying physically emotionally and financially all those years and my health showed it for years,
other of my kids screwed me in other ways, just simply taking their youth allowance as if it was something for teens to spend on themselves at a whim while i was tryign to support everything, clothes, school books, uni books, groceries , with no income, no health no contributing, the whole workload of several kids on me, no cleaning help, and a huge burden of a bunch of kids and alot of stress.my health was constnatly collapsing from so so much ongoing huge stress from all sides

now one of my youngest ones was about to do similar, take their youth allowance to spend at their whim while i am supporting them more than i can.
i had just paid thousands, more than i can afford for her to have all she needed for vce,- books, study guides, tutoring, (the tutoring alone was $425 for summer courses next week ,) for clothes, for social for the summer and a youth camp she belongs to , and now suddenly because legally she can get a hold of her youth allowance, she is taking it despite that i am the one paying for more than i can afford to for her.

i saw how oblivious my other kids are. one tonight said things like
' thats what a parent does,'
totally oblivious to the fact that i'm not a bank and the realities of how much i just paid out without even a proper income and how shocking it is tht now that child wants to take their youth allowance away to spend at a whim while i have just paid out so much for her.
its bad enough being alone and one one income but its not even one average income.

she said things like
'well other parents take jobs'
totally oblivious to what it was like all those years with alot of kids on my own
burn out
health problems from stress
a few kids with huge health or behavioural problems
being dragged through courts for years by an ex avoiding child support, which by the way he got away with, child support just say oh well, they dont teach these guys that if they avoid paying child support that it will catch up with them no matter how many years later they are caught, so i got the raw end and burden whichever way i turned.
no money
huge stresses from kids eg anorexia etc huge huge stresses that one of them would have b roken most people and was so huge for me let alone so much at once.

recently as kids recently grew older and started moving out, when i had less kids in the house i could do more re work etc but still on a one less than averagell income with a big mortgage and more kids at home than i can afford to support, who dont contribute to expenses and one has been also sick in hospital, the burden on me is enormous, and their comments add salt to my wounds they just shows no realisation of realities and how hard it was and has been all these years from so many sides
there are memories that are so heavy to experience and recover from, and i can see they are so oblivious to it all,
like when my son was sick and i had so many expenses and yet i was not getting the youth allowance to suppport him, just because legally kids can and do do that and parents then are left to suffer from all sides.

one of my daughters who made these comments has no realisation the toll her behavior or not reporting to centrelink and then losing her centrelink and me having to support her totally and her anorexia took on me and i can see she still doesnt

she herself recently had a breakdown after trying to raise her one young child alone despite her having huge help from family around her which i never ever had and i had several kids to raise alone
she herself has started experiencing a bit of being dragged through court and the toll it takes
i can see i was even now still putting myself under huge pressures tryign to releive her and take her shopping for groceries and clothes for herslef and the baby, when i truly cant afford it to do this. i cant afford it and she is so oblivious to realities.its extremely extremely upsetting
themedia made a huge fuss about the aged pension not being enough but seem to be oblivious about the sole parent pension and how thats not enough
i had 5 kids in my home a year ago that i was trying to support on less than 20 000 with a mortgage aswell. i just wanted to die all the time from the pressure
and yet they will treat me so badly putting more and more pressure on me just because legally they can, while i am left to pay for so much without the support that gov give to pay for it all. its extremely upsetting.

people have said my kids learnt how to abuse me from my ex. its not just my ex its also my mother who does things like buy expensive presents for people then she finds ways to put pressure on me that she doesnt ahve enough money
my mother often has been a psychopath enjoying watching me in torment and encouraging others to torment me and i so often wanted to die from the torment she puts me through at times, totally non sensical, but if she sees it torments me she pushes harder rather than backs off.
she now is putting pressure on me because she offered to pay a lawyer to get back my daughters child for her after she gave it up during a breakdown. the lawyer cost 30 000.
How does that make me more able to live on less and to be screwed taht she uses that as justification to put me under more pressure if she offers to pay 30 000 for a lawyer that doesnt somehow mean i have more income suddenly and can be put under more pressure just because she offered to put herself under more pressure.

the realities of what i go through and how much i give and give and give more than i can and then how abusive and selfish teens are not even realising any of the realities is very upsetting for me.

[Floweryfields]

Sorrythings are so hard for you - teenagers have the selfish gene inbuilt and until they one day have to fend for themselves in the real world, they don't get it. Sometimes I think it would be great if we start of mature and go backwards in life then start off life remembering what it was like to be older!
As for the youth allowance, if she knows she can get her hands on it, well thats it, don't provide one cent for anything that wants personally and only fork out for school supplies etc.

[Muppity]

Sorry that it is all a bit too much for you at the moment Sue.

Can I suggest that counselling for you would be a great idea. It sounds like you have a lot of things to deal with at the moment and even if it doesn't change the way that other's treat you it may be a really good way for you to get some tools to help you deal with it all.

Wishing you luck.

[Fleur]

wow, you really have had a tough time over the last few years. Teenagers can be a bit blind to what life is like for their parents, I see it in my teenage DD - and I also remember what I was like at her age! They just see things differently, and yes they can be very selfish. Might be time for a bit of tough love?

Chances are once they grow up a bit, they will see what you have done for them & have some gratitude...you may well find it all turns around for the better in a few years

ETA - second what Muppity said on the counselling , good idea

[sue1386]

thanks for your understanding comment about teens. some have been worse than others.
i heard a saying about get them out before they turn bitter that later in their 20s they turn bitter. unfortunately i have a few who are troubled and at the slightest thing they will turn nasty on me, because i'm there, even though i've been working my guts out and giving and giving so so so much all these decades in such terrible circumstances.

oprah has a financial counselling suze orman who says how sole parents give everything away physcially emotionally financially and then have nothing for themselves. she advises not to do that. i cant see how one cant do that but surely there are limits even to the constnat need to give and give and give so that they have all they need.

because i dont hav ea father or husband to stand up for me my kid shave learnt that they can treat me any which way and get away with it and there is nothing i can do . the things they have put me through are mind boggling and hard to forgive or recover from, but i just have to keep knowing that i didnt deserve that at all quite the opposite , but they were troubled.
as i wrote in my last post my grandmother was like that. my mother was so horrible to her and yet when she could help she still would she was so loving despite how she was always treated. i dotn want to be like that , but i am, because i know they are troubled.
but i can no longer buy one daughter with a baby groceries clothes etc because i do need to pay my mortgage and support younger ones.
counselling always sound slike the noble correct way.

you obviously havent read my last post.

i have done heaps of counselling over the years.
i am not giving more years of my life to that because of selfish dramas and hell my kids cause me
i didnt find it changed the course of anything and it just was draining and stressful.

i have found what works for me
getting on with my life and things that were on hold for so many years while i was raising so many kids like work social peace anything my own life, - and things i find pick up my health works best for me not counselling.
i will seek some advice when thigns come up but i have not found regular counselling helpful and it took up time and energy for other thigns that help more, like just getting on with it.

in my family i have very little rights.
there are many troubled people including my mum and they all work against me
they threatened, double cross , blackmail me.
the thing that helps me most is when my kids move out of my house
my own clarity
getting on with my life
doing thigns that relax me or help my life my finances my health
and trying not to get so distraught by the constant heart breaking things that i cant stop in my selfish manipulative nasty family.
and then deciding if i will still give while they are troubled horrible people to me, because they need support, even though they at times make my life hell.

read my last post and you will get the answer recounselling. and how i've done heaps over the years it didnt change anything
so i do seek advice, maybe speak to a counsellor, parentline or such is great, but regular appointments, giving my life to that , no thanks, i am not giving my life away more years becasue of people around me.
i did so much for years , and the thing that helped most was when they moved out, not anything else that i spent time and money on.

[HotI]

if you were willing, and wanting to work on it, counselling may help you become less of a victim. It sounds like you have had a hard time, but you need to decide what you are willing to put up with, and to not accept other types of behaviour. If your kids want their youth allowance, then they also get to pay for some of their educational expenses.

good luck

[Fleur]

Sorry Sue, I did read your last post but I didn't see anything there saying you had tried counselling.. I will go back & look again.

because i dont hav ea father or husband to stand up for me my kid shave learnt that they can treat me any which way and get away with it and there is nothing i can do . the things they have put me through are mind boggling and hard to forgive or recover from, but i just have to keep knowing that i didnt deserve that at all quite the opposite , but they were troubled.

You need to teach them that they can't treat you like that... being troubled is no excuse for disrespecting your family. If you allow 'being troubled' to be an excuse they will continue to do it. Same goes for your mother. If she's tormenting you - it might be time to step away. You don't need it, and as you say, you don't deserve it.

I really hope things get better for you soon.
Good luck

[Lulu]

Sue, I hear you on the youth allowance CRAP. I cannot believe the amount of teens that think it's pocket money for them. This is of course fuelled by their friends that (for some STUPID reason) are allowed to get it for themselves.

They get very irate and uppity when you spend "their" money on things like schoolbooks, food and the roof over their heads don't they?

However, you didn't have to agree to the children receiving the money directly. All these councellors you see - did any of them support you to be a strong parent and not continually give everything to your children? Did you not see this would give them a baseless sense of entitlement? When you say no they get angry, but when you always cave in they know you will do so. Toddlers and teens are pretty much the same in the boundaries department.

You have to have a look at your part in the picture - and as a parent that is a very large part.

[BrightSparkles]

read my last post and you will get the answer recounselling. and how i've done heaps over the years it didnt change anything
so i do seek advice, maybe speak to a counsellor, parentline or such is great, but regular appointments, giving my life to that , no thanks, i am not giving my life away more years becasue of people around me.

I read your OP and didn't see anything about counselling as this was going to be my first suggestion to you.

if you were willing, and wanting to work on it, counselling may help you become less of a victim. It sounds like you have had a hard time, but you need to decide what you are willing to put up with, and to not accept other types of behaviour.

I have to say I agree with Kate here.
Finding a counsellor is a bit like finding a car - your not going to buy the first car you see, you usually shop around. This is just like counselling. Not all counsellors will suit you.
Yes you need to vent about what is happening but while ever you have thoughts like

but regular appointments, giving my life to that , no thanks, i am not giving my life away more years becasue of people around me.

you are only giving those people around you more power and permission to walk all over you. You need to start taking back some of this power and not keep sitting in a victim role.

It sounds like you have been through allot, but YOU have the power to change how people treat you and your reactions to this. If you don't stand up for yourself, then people are only going to continue treating you this same way.

my mother often has been a psychopath enjoying watching me in torment and encouraging others to torment me and i so often wanted to die from the torment she puts me through at times,

Maybe until you are able to cope better with your own thoughts and feelings, this is one influence you need to step away from for the time being, work on yourself first and then work on this relationship and ways to better cope with it.

Good Luck, it's hard work, but like I said, only YOU can change how you react to these situations. And yes, teenagers can be selfish etc - maybe it's because they don't yet have the life experience to cope and/or understand the full extent of the situation and maybe sitting down and being honest and Telling them will help them to understand a bit better.

[fionas]

Sue - I agree with Lulu about the boundaries thing. It takes a lot of mental energy sometimes to come up with boundaries that are fair to all parties and sometimes it's tempting to keep the peace and cave in but ... ya gotta do it.

Due to certain events with DSD recently we have told her that there is no pocket money until her next school report (don't care about her marks but she has to show she's giving it a red hot go by attending all classes and giving in all assignments) so she will have to get a job. She WAS complaining about this because she's about to start VCE and doesn't think it's fair. Well sorry buster, but if you come home with a school report with mostly fails then you're obviously not doing your homework so you have plenty of time for a part-time job and hey, you're going to need one because you're probably not going to uni. The day after DP laid it on the line, guess what she went job hunting! Boundaries work.

I think sit down and work out something you think is fair and then talk to your kids. In some ways, there's no point working out what has caused them to treat you like this from a psychological perspective. That also takes a lot of energy as you know so try to spend more time focusing on how you want the future to be instead.

[Jas]

Hi,

Just wanted to say ladies, I am pretty sure Sue is referring to a thread she pposted, it was called "should I go to her engagement party" I think?

[sue1386]

yes sorry about that. it is a totally previous thread not just a previous post on this thread where we chatted re counselling and how much i did over the years and how little it changed the course of things or helped my health. my health was helped the most when they moved out!!! and i had a more humane workload
and when i get on with my life and switch off from their dramas
counselling is helpful specific and then get on with it i find. and counsellors even said that i am levelheaded and need friends not counsellors, but i use both specifically not regularly. and as i said i find getting on with my lfie helps me the most.

yes i have explored alot about not being a victim
not lettign things effect me
boundaries
i did so many courses on it
i've talked about this specific topic over and over

and yet i am manipulated tormented tortured blackmailed abused and my kids learn from my ex and from my mother and my mother contibutes to the abuse too

and as mentioned teens dont have the life experience

the timing of her birthday was such taht i've just paid so much expenses already and now suddenly it will be taken from me.

my mother supports it

we agreed on her taking half

1 year ago i had 5 kids living at home that i was supporting on some 20 000 a year
no i dont have the rights to set boundaries with children who are troubled or have been very sick in hospital and yet i still need to care for them for their sake so i do get screwed again and again and again.

this child wants money for driving lessons and also waxing ( she inherited extremely hairy genes and also a beutician siling maybe got her hooked on waxing. ) she is a good kid.

other kids were not one was on drugs one was a good kid but a money drain and had anorexia so again my hands were tied she was too sick for me to do much and if she was working and not delcairng i kept treyign to chase it up but it never happened still. her attitude now is what really disturbs me the things she said as i wrote above about now the sister wanting to take centrelink

my mothers attitude disturbs me
i am waiting for these 2 younger ones to grow up so i can move to a cheaper suburb. meanwhile i am stuck here have to pay this roof etc as someone else mentioned, and how much did i get the other day a grand total of $173 for a whole week. that wont pay for anything, not bills, not car repairs, not home repairs, not school books, not mortgage, not tuturoing or camps or clothes. its really not much money and to want to take that away when i dont ahve a husband or a thriving career is very disturbing for me.
i knew in a few years any money i get will cut out but at least let me have it till then while i work on solutions while still facing many challenges with my kids all of which is on me.

my mums attitude was the daughter will take half for expenses because my mum says that she cant give any pocket money to help her because she has to pay 30 000 for a lawyer my daughter with the baby had to hire becasue of trouble the birth father was causing.

but when my mother hired a solicitor i didnt win tattslotto, why should i be put under more pressure. and this daughter who wants the youth allowance wont always have driving lessons so why should she always have half of the youth allowance?

i dont ahve a husband or a father and they ahve learnt from tehir father and siblings nad my mother that they can get away with abusing me

cou8nsellers didnt help anything my kdis have done such incredibly complicated abusive torment to me time and time again particularly 3 years ago but even this year and my mother joined in trying to black mail me despite professional advice i had.

i've learnt i may as well wear a sign saying that i am the easiest person to abuse because i have noone to stand up for me and help stop it and so far so many abusers have gotten away with murder. they have a way of doing very very very tormenting things that are done in such a way to put me to question so that there is nowhere i can call for help and noone who realises whats really going on and those we do just stand by in horror unable to stop the behaviour of crazy troubled poeple.

[Lulu]

Sue, hun - you are not getting it. You are the only one that can stand up for yourself.

The troubled ones are the ones that need the boundaries the most! Yes, they carry on and scream get nasty etc...but you have to stand stronger for them to learn the lesson. And reinforce the boundaries until they get it.

The rest of the world won't let them get away with it, but they can always come home and kick the crap out of you...which is apparently what is happening now and will continue to happen until YOU say NO MORE.

[sue1386]

i did a million courses and counselling about boundaries

there is a limit to what i can do

if they live at home i will not tell them dont eat my food because you took your youth allowance

i cant kick them out when they are young

i often couldnt do anything when they were sick and yet they needed clothe3s and things desperately

it is much more complicated and i am sick of hearing people make simplistic answers.

i gave various examples before in this or other threads. those were situations where no standing up would protect the person and huge dmaage was done to all aspects of their lives permanent damage to them and their good name that they could not control or stop no matter what they tried.

but yes this is an issue that is attended to amongst a complex picture of immature unaware kids who will nto be made aware by talking and an often cruel mother of mine who doesnt back off with boundaries or reason when she finds a way to torment

yes i do stay away

still there have been ways they could hurt me and do . Anyway i ahve to give attention to other aspecats of my life right now i dnt want to keep going over and over it.
i do have to step back and care fo rmyself. they find ways still to torment me like this with the youth allowance. i can pay less but i'm still very upset that they do this and get away with it like my other kids have despite huge efforts courses counselling of mine over the years. the bottom line is one cant kick out young kids and this girl is a good girl she genuinedly has expenses such as social, health, driving lessons. i am still very upset that people would do this to me when my situation is so hard, jsut because they can get away with it.
boundaries is a topic i've often talked about with professionals but when you are dealing with some sick kids and cruel troubled people it is often differnt. oen time i did take a very very very strong legal stand and took action and my son thanked me saying it forced him into counselling that changed him, but at the same time many peole worked against me and tormented me during that time and since not understanding why i did that.
this child doesnt need that but this is still upsetting fo rme that jsut because they can get away with it they do when other kids would not dare do such a thing

there are many ways people can torment with no protection whatsover and they do.

[Lulu]

My kid go tno youth allowance - she had to get a job if she wanted money. Yep, simple.

[sue1386]

yes simple in your family

obviously not in my family they can and do get away with it. its ridiculous that legally they can.

some of my kids worked and it was very very hard for us with what we were going throught o work and study. not everyone can cope with that especially sick children and some schools are so demanding that thats all they can do .

simple in your family

some kids wouldnt dare do this

and others find they can and so they do .

[Inanna]

Sue I have empathy for the pain you are in...

We were all kids once - & yes, like toddlers teenagers can be trying. However, it's tough negotiating adulthood especially when there has been a family breakdown. Life can throw hard stuff for all of us - it's how we choose to see it & deal with it that matters most...

Sue you need to make a choice. A conscious choice on what behaviour you are going to use. Right now you are a victim. To the system, the kids, money, mortgage.

Only you can change that. If your kids dom't respect you - I suspect it's because you don't respect yourself. You have to heal your relationship with yourself first.

If you are not prepared to have strong but kind boundaries - your children will not learn that boundaries are necessary. That is your job. You need to have a spreadsheet of you r incomings & outgoings, of costs involved in maintaining your home. I have done thsi with my kids to a degree (they are younger some of them)... Just to show them that money is finite - we all have to work together. When chores are done, when kindness is used for the majority of the week. We hit the icecream shop on Friday afternoon. It's something to look forward to... Even the teenageer looks forward to chatting over an icecream... Icecream may be too banal for your situation - but there will be something to draw you all together. Roast night, movie night with popcorn... Love you, look after you & try and see the beauty in each one. It may be hard to see it but each of them has beauty... It will release you from some of the negativity you are feeling perhaps.

I believe our kids are our teachers. They bring us lessons. We can choose to learn or not. It's hard work being a single mum - I understand. But you can & have done it alone. So, now without anger or resentment respect yourself enough to state what you will be okay with and what you will not. Work on a solution not on feeling victimised. Work on drawing you all together not on anger.

Don't yell or rant. Just quietly state.

I wish you luck...

[Ms_Fi]

Sue, have you ever sat the kids down together and gone through the finances? Shown them exactly what's coming in and what has to go out and just how little is left over for extras. I know my own kids were genuinely shocked when I told them how much the phone calls to their grandparents in England were costing - up until then they didn't have a clue.

Families all have to pull together and I honestly believe there's not a chance of that happening when information isn't being shared.

Apologies if you've already tried this but if not then it's got to be worth a try.