Agressive Behaviour in 14mth old - I am on my knees and need some help

[Salad]

I dont even know where to start, I am so upset by this and exhausted trying to find a way to prevent fix or stop it.
DD for the last 6 weeks has been having major sleep issues, I have had about 24 hours sleep in the last 5 days. She sleeps for 3 hours in her own bed, then wakes and we cannot settle her again, either in her bed, our bed, with panadol etc. She wears a teething necklace aswell. She has had tooth after tooth come through recently which doesnt help. We have my mum and sometimes my sister living with us the moment which I know has been a big disruption to our lives.
At about 1o months DD started to bite me, and this is still going on, I have tried all suggestions, from screeching, to walking away, to time out and yes I even have bitten her back as much as I didnt want to do it. This has not worked either. Sometimes she is even biting herself.
When she doesnt get her way or gets frustrated she head buts things and I dont mean just a small head but she smashes her head into cement, walls, cupboards and throws herself around her cot smashing her head onto the sides of her cot, she repeatedly bangs her hands onto the sides of the cot and kicks it over and over.
Her face and head have always got bruises and/or cuts, people are going to think I am beating her.
In my opinion (and I know all parents think their children are intelligent) she is very smart, she knows alot for her age, like animal noises, words and objects. I also realise that this behaviour could be out of frustration that she cannot tell us what she wants properly. However we have nearly always managed to understand what she needs and its mostly when she does not get her way that she acts like this.
I am so sad and upset that a 14 month old can be so emotional and so so angry.
We are a loving home, in a rock solid stable relationship, my DH and I are best friends, there are no issues at home that could be upsetting her.
She can be a sweet caring happy little girl.
I am almost 25 weeks pregnant and I am concerned the stress of all this is going to affect my health as when DD is getting upset I can feel the baby become more active and seems affected by it all.
I dont know if its the teething, however I think not because pain relief makes no difference. I dont know if its additives in food as I dont know much about it.
I dont even know how to fix it and I am desperate to fix it before this next baby comes along.
Just to add, I am a stay at home mum and DD and I are never apart for more than 1/2 -1 hour at a time.
I am sorry for this being so long, I guess I needed a vent and to write it all down, like I said I am on my knees I dont want to be in tears at 3am anymore, I want to be asleep with a happy toddler asleep also.
Thanks for listening.
xoxoxo

[Ginger]

oh Salad, i couldn't read this and not reply.
sleep deprivation is awful, especially when you're preg too
is your little girl walking yet? the reason i ask is that both my boys went through really challenging, wakeful, frustrated stages just before they started to walk.

[Lulu]

Are you up for taking her for a swim somewhere? I find that swimming totally exhausts them and can sometimes break that HORRIBLE no sleeping pattern. It will also work her muscles and can help with the frustrations.

HUGE hugs, I've been there too

[Pandora]

:hugs:

Sleep deprivation is a biatch
Biting at that age is generally frustration or exploring, not malicious. It doent matter how many words she has if they aren't the ones she needs IYKWIM? I know that doesn't make it easier to deal with ds1 did it from around 13 -18 months, and distraction was the best technique. Or another child doing it to them.

It could also be related to you pg..

[Arimeh]

is your little girl walking yet? the reason i ask is that both my boys went through really challenging, wakeful, frustrated stages just before they started to walk.

Yeah I agree with this - DD1 had a horrid time with sleep issues, and I think we are just coming out of it now (she's 19 months). We were getting 2 hours sleep a night - and I was pregnant as well, so I know how bad it feels!

I have no advice, we tried everything (even wrote a few threads asking for advice!) and nothing seemed to help except for time...

[sloane]

is there any way it could be related to food? i've been reading some stuff on additives recently & some of that behaviour sounds like documented reactions to the colouring 160b...sorry, not much help i know but just something that sprang to mind as soon as i read your story.

hope things improve for you soon

[sneakysparkle]

I don't know if these things will work for you, as my girl's circumstances were different, but here are a couple of things that have worked with us when they display challenging behaviour.

Turning things into a funny game - sometimes if they don't want to do something, or are doing something undesirable (like banging their head) you say "Oh dear! Poor wall! Don't hit the poor wall" and the idea is to just get them laughing. If its putting shoes on - "Come on shoes! Go on DD"s foot!!" etc etc

Having special "stomping" music - when they are grumpy/upset I'll say "do we need to stomp? come on, lets put the stomping music on and get our grumpies/angries/whatever's out" at the moment our stomping music is "crazy" by Gnarles Barkley. This just gives them an outlet for whatever theyre feeling.

As I said, these things may not be appropriate for you to try, but I thought I'd share anyway. I hope things improve for you soon

[Salad]

Thanks for the replies

Ginger: she is walking and has been for the exact amount of time that this has been happening for, I thought the same thing, some developmental milestone or something believe me my mind has explored many avenues as to why this could be happeing.

Lulu: I never know what I am going to get when I take her swimming or to the park etc, she either is buggered and sleeps or too over stimulated and wont sleep, I guess its worth having a go if its sleep that is the end result.

All I can say is that I am glad its friday and DH will be home with me for the next couple of days.

Sloane: I agree this is also a thought that I have had, unfortunantly I do not know alot about additives etc so I might have to post a thread for a crash course on it, I guess even if it doesnt help its good to avoid those nasty numbers.

Sneakyspakle: Thanks for the ideas, I will give some of them ago, generally if she is upset and throwing herself around she is screaming so loud you cannot get her attention but maybe peristance will prevail.

Once again thanks everyone, fingers crossed it doesnt last too much longer, its been a long six weeks already.

[Lulu]

I think lack of sleep is making her normal aggression into something out of this world (beeeeeen there, you have my sympathies xoxo). That's why I like swimming because it's a total full body thing and I don't think either of my non sleeping, overstimulated, hypermaniacs could ever fight a good deep sleep after a swim.
Best to make sure to have a big feed close at hand so she is full when she finally knocks out.

It's a crap cycle I hope you can break it.
Geez there are some great ideas and advice in here though! Well done laydeez xoxo

[amberj]

FWIW, a close friend of mine had very similar problems with her DS. He was always a pretty full on child, even as a newborn, and he displayed a lot of aggression and sleep problems around the same age as your DD. They too tried everything without any appreciable results at the time. Eventually is was behaviour he grew out of it, and is now an exuberant, energetic child who is generally very well behaved.

I know "it will change over time" isn't a great answer, but as a word of encouragement for now, my friend said that even though she found is extremely difficult and frustrating, she is so, so, so glad she really persisted in *trying* to stay on top of that behaviour now, because its really paid off. She says that while at the time it didn't seem to make any difference, she can see in her son's behaviour now that the things she was trying to teach him actually did get into his head and are now benefitting him and showing up in his behaviour. Its like she was planting seeds that how now taken root.

Not sure if that helps, but it sounds like you are doing a great job and please be reassured that it will eventually pay off. Sometimes parenting can be a very tough gig.

Oh, also FWIW, my friend's son is also really quite intelligent. And strong-willed!

[Salad]

AmberJ - that was so beautifully written thanks and it made great sense, yes I sometimes think whats the point of trying to correct this, I do feel like I am getting no where but it is important to me to have a polite and as well behaved child as possible. Thanks for those encouraging words.

Thanks also Lulu - you are right also there have been a lot of great replies and I really appreciate all those who have gone to the trouble of offering advice and sharing.

[Salad]

I have just been on the internet researcing food additives and OMG, DD eats grapes and strawberries every single day and sometimes has a big serve of these right before bed. It says to avoid these fruits. This certainly could be the problem, I cant believe some that I thought were healthy and good for her are actually making her unwell.
Hmm off to do some more research.

Lulu: i did stumble across an old post of yours too in regards to your DD I think it was having a reaction to grapes which you related to sleeping problems.

[amberj]

Salad, have a look at Sue Dengate's book called "Fed Up"- I hired it from the library recently, and it was really interesting. Grapes and strawberries have lots of natural salicilates in them which cause nasty reactions in succeptiable kids (and adults). The diet looks kind of tough, but if it helps your DD behave, its well worth it.

[Olive]

other thought too, we have issues with sleep when we have ear issues with DD2, last month it was fluid behind the ear drums which was causing pain when laying down! id strongly suggest getting her checked my a GP first!

[Salad]

thanks amberj thats the book I have ordered.

Olive - I took her to the doctor earlier in the week and have ruled this and throat issues out. I should have mentioned that. It was one of the other things on my list of could be problems.

[Inertia]

other thought too, we have issues with sleep when we have ear issues with DD2, last month it was fluid behind the ear drums which was causing pain when laying down! id strongly suggest getting her checked my a GP first!

Oh yes, I recently had a out of otitis media and many of the signs to look for in a baby were what I was doing or at least wanted to. I was yanking at my ear lobe, getting very little sleep. I wanted to bash the side of my head against a wall and scream in frustration.

And I couldnt hear much very well because it was like my ear needed to 'pop' all day every day and everything I was doing or wanted to do was in aid of trying to achieve that goal.

My ear infection lasted 2 and a bit months before I finally found something that would work on it.

ETA: Nevermind, lol. Posted while I was typing.

[Snacks]

Is she a routine kind of girl? I wonder if the extra house guests might have gotten her out of routine, or perhaps she is transitioning into a new routine and can't get settled into it just yet?
I find my DD's behaviour is at it's most challenging when she hasn't had enough sleep. So for me, I find sleep to be the key factor when trying to sort out behaviour issues.
If it were me, I would try to sort out an appropriate routine (and for us at this age we were transitioning to 1 sleep per day. I think she was about 16 months). Our routine has generally been to have some sort of activity in the morning, a sleep in the afternoon (and sometimes the way to establish this was to get her into the stroller with a biscuit in hand) and then a structured dinner, bath, story, teeth, bed routine.
Possibly this isn't at all what you're after, but thought I'd share anyway. I can imagine it must be so hard on you seeing her hurt herself and not knowing how on earth to stop it. I just hope it resolves for you soon and that you find an effective solution.

[Arcadia]

Grapes! Yes they're bad! We banned them here because of bad behaviour too!! Let us know how you go.

The biting sounds teeth related. Dd always bites when teething. I recommend nurofen. Panadol does nothing for us.

Hope things improve for you.