Separating how I parent from how I was parented

[amberj]

So all these deep threads on parenting have lead me to a spin-off question I have struggled with for a little while.

While my mother was basically loving and involved and did heaps of wonderful things, in many ways I am deeply disappointed with her parenting, and I know those wounds are not yet healed.

And yet, since becoming a parent, I understand the kind of love you have for your child, and how you try your best and wouldn't ever, ever want to hurt them. And because of that, I know how much it would hurt to have my DS as an adult feel about me the way I feel about my mum. I don't want him to be disappointed in me, and I don't want him to draw the emotional boundaries and separation with me that I find necessary to do with my mum.

So I am conflicted- I can't deny how I feel about how I was parented, but at the same time I feel bad about feeling that way because I know how I feel about my own child.

How do your separate this all out??

[thepixie]

I hear you Jess.... no time now but I'll be back...

[thepixie]

The short answer is, I don't know. I really could have written your post or something very like it. From the age of about 10 I really felt that my mother did not love me and wasn't proud of me, despite my efforts to be a good child (including doing well in school and staying out of trouble most of the time, studying law at university yadda yadda ya). I just felt like nothing I did was ever good enough. It was probably made worse by the fact that she clearly idolised my older brother (and still does) so it wasn't that she was unloving, just that she didn't love me IYKWIM.
So I'm disappointed too, and our relationship is awkward and difficult, and try as I might to be mature and over it, she still makes me crazy, and presses all my buttons. To some degree I do blame her for a lot of emotional problems I have had over the years. Even though on some level I know it's not her 'fault' as such, she was depressed, whatever, but I still can't help blaming her.
I would obviously be devastated if my DD grew up feeling that way about me. I am a bit scared to have another child because I am afraid I wouldn't be able to love him/her just like my mother couldn't. I am afraid I will end up like my mother, she is not a bad person, but the thought that I will end up like her terrifies me. Although she has changed a lot in the last few years so it wouldn't be as bad as it used to be.
Anyway, sorry for the long me-me-me rant. I guess all I can do to separate it is to show my daughter how much I love her, how happy she makes me, and do everything I can to be a good mother to her. Beyond that I guess all I can do is pray that our relationship doesn't turn out to be as strained and awkward as mine is with my mother.
Sorry if that doesn't help.... but I do know how you feel.

[Santosha]

I too carry lots of baggage from the way I was parented and am quite fearful that history will repeat itself. I will never scream abuse at my child or deride her as was done to me by my father, and I will never turn a blind eye to abuse as my mother did. But I fear that there are things that run deeper than those overtly 'wrong' things. I already hear myself saying things that they did and notice subtle things in my tone or manner that come directly from my parents and I cringe.

I guess all I can do is be a Mindful parent. Watch myself carefully, notice the patterns and habits as they arise and without freaking out about it, just decide to do different next time. So much of the old 'stuff' from our pasts is unconscious. It's built into the core from when we were too little to really consciously process it so it becomes a deep part of out automatic responses, particularly in the way we respond to highly emotional situations. I hope that I can learn to notice these things, label them as 'old, useless but forgivable' and move on.

Sorry if that's a little abstract. I'm having a day of pondering mindfulness and that's what came up for me when I saw this thread.

Love your thinking Jessica, great thread.

[beckoes]

I know what you mean, and funilly enough i actually had a conversation with my mum on that topic only yesterday! although i didnt say that how i really felt about her mothering! she commented on all the things i do with DD, just simple stuff to pass the day that i see as pretty normal, cooking, gardening, etc etc and she said she felt sorry that she never took the time to do those things with me and how it made her feel like a bad mother, i re-asured her she was a great mum, which on the whole she is, but i always felt like she didnt take the time to be patient with me. Controled crying, smaking, shouting, fear, crying, anger, blackmail.(just a few words that pop in my head about my childhood) from as early as i can remember till about five years ago (when i left the uk) when we get on we have a great relationship but having to tread on egg shells thoughout your childhood is not the way i want DD to feel with me!!

I guess you just have to take the model your parents gave you on 'parenting 101' and do the oposite and hope for the best!! i know the things i DONT want to do and how i DONT want my children to feel about me! so thats all i can do.

now that im reading back over what ive writen im getting guilty pangs, if my mother ever knew i felt this way she would be so devistated because at the end of the day im sure she did the best SHE knew how to do and i know she loved me with ever drop of her being, just handled our lives badly and the outcome was negative. i alway felt...and still do i guess, that it was always me verse them, im only now starting to see the child in my mother, and the childish responces she had to situations were from uneducation and fear.

Well, that pretty much didnt answer your question and was a bit of a me-vent, sorry about that, i guess its a passionate subject for some!

[Curly]

I feel exactly the same way and I know that because I am so anxious to avoid my children feeling the same way about me that I feel about the way I was parented, I do almost everything the opposite way my mother would have.

I just worry that I will mess up our relationship in some other way that hasn't occurred to me!

In the end I have resolved that if nothing else, my mother taught me how to be the kind of parent I want to be. And as a PP said - I also try to be mindful in my parenting. I figure that as long as my children never have reason to doubt that I love them and want the best for them and I can explain why I'm approaching something a certain way, I'll muddle through it somehow.

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

I think we all carry baggage from the way we were parented - I think it doesn't matter how gentle and attentive you are as a parent, sometimes it's the child's own viewpoint that creates the baggage, you know? For example, I used to LOVE singing when I was a kid. I would sing all day if I could! And one day, just ONCE, my Dad told me to 'get a Panadol and stop that moaning!' From that one little sentence, I understood that I was a bad singer, and I was actually offensive to people listening. So I stopped singing if I thought people were near.

Years later, I met DH, and the only time we could see each other was once a fortnight when we all went to Karaoke. I went, just to see him, and determined not to sing, but there were a few truly horrendous singers that got up, and everyone still clapped for them because they enjoyed themselves. So I would sing once or twice at karaoke, because I felt like I would explode if I didn't! Gradually people started coming up and telling me how good a singer I was, and the DJ in charge of the karaoke would ask me to sing a specific song whenever I was there!

My parents 25th anniversary was a couple of years ago, and we held it at karaoke. The DJ asked me to sing my song again (Angels by Sarah McLaughlan), and I did but I really didn't want to, because I knew my parents thought I was a horrible singer. When I finished, they were both amazed, and they told me how well I'd done! I told them I thought THEY thought I was horrible because of what Dad had said, and it turned out that they were just tired of the noise because I sang ALL THE TIME, and the wanted some peace and quiet dammit!

So, blah blah blah, I think it's important to try and understand the MOTIVATION behind the parenting. Is what I've gotten from my experiences what my parents intended for me to get? Thinking about that has made it so much easier to ignore the things that niggle me about my parents - I know that everything they did was out of love. I know that things were crazy hard for our family when I was a kid, and some of the things that happened to me were a direct result of that. I know that my Dad was in chronic pain and suffered severe untreated depression, and I understand now that that's why Mum did most of the discipline, not because Dad didn't care, but because he didn't trust himself. And I also FINALLY understand why once or twice Dad used a belt on me - it doesn't mean I agree with it, and it certainly doesn't mean I would consider it for my children, but I understand that in his mind, at that moment, it was appropriate.

Wow, lots of talk that probably bored everyone, sorry!

[~Hestia~]

Great thread - I'm still new at this too, so am yet to work it all out myself!! Since my sister & I have both become parents we have talked ALOT about our mother & things that happened that we're still holding onto as adults. It's interesting how having your own baby can bring up alot of unresolved feelings from your childhood.
I think curly & beckoes have made some great points though!!

[amberj]

I wonder if part of it is about humility....about recognising to our children that we're not perfect and we may make mistakes (when they old enough to understand that)? I don't remember my parents ever doing that.

[beckoes]

thats so true amber j, thats what i was trying to get at before, that im just starting to see the child in my mum, im just starting to see that she wasnt the perfect, 100% correct all powerful person that she projected, that that was just a stance taken to get her through, maybe if she had sat down with me and realised that i understood a bit. And said ''gee i really messed that one up'' I always felt like she was so much better than me and that my view was irrelevant!
A few times when ive been pushed and ive snapped at DD and upset her i always sit down and have a cuddle and say im sorry and that il try to do better next time, even though she is only 19 months, she gets it. im not perfect, i make mistakes but i take responsibility for those mistakes!
I know that she is her own indivdual person, with her own viewpoint and way of doing things, like Berenice said I think it doesn't matter how gentle and attentive you are as a parent, sometimes it's the child's own viewpoint that creates the baggage, you know? I think aslong as you respect that view point and dont try to squash it thats a good start!

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

You've probably read my other posts, so I won't bore you with my childhood.

All I did was decide to be different. I decided I had no tools in my parenting toolbox - I had to find them and add them myself. Some have come from my mother: she can suggest something and I accept it. She's not all bad. She did some good stuff. Some has come because I want to do the opposite to what my mother did: I don't know how to do it, as it didn't happen to me, but I still try it out. Some come from books, others from t'internet (eg BB). One or two have come from little old ladies just making comments! Don't rule anything out, but be careful what you rule in.

HTH.

[skeetaboat]

This isn't really an answer to your question but since becoming a parent I judge my own parents much less harshly. And I think we should judge ourselves kindly too. However perfect we aim to be, there will be something that we say, or do, or don't do, or don't say, that will have an effect on our children that would make us cringe. That's the nature of the job. As parents we are everything to our children, but it's simply impossible for us to be the 'perfect parent'. We can learn from our parent's mistakes but we will undoubtedly make our own. As long as we are conscious of our parenting, do the very best that we can, and ask for forgiveness when we mess up, we're doing a great job.

[Fleur]

As long as we are conscious of our parenting, do the very best that we can, and ask for forgiveness when we mess up, we're doing a great job.

:yeahthat: couldn't have said it better.

I have a few things in my childhood that I look back at & think, well tehy could ahve done such & such better, my mother, my father & my stepmother.
But I do believe that they all did the best they could. As I grow older I see them not as infallible but as human beings who make mistakes & have their own stuff they are dealing with.

I try very hard not to make the same mistakes they did, but doubtless I am making others.
Maybe that's part of our journey through life.. to experience all of what our parents have to teach us, to deal with it, to learn & grow.

As for my kids, I try & teach them also that I am not perfect... I will apologise to them if I make a mistake or if I am wrong.

DD & I argued not so long ago & I apologised to her afterwards; for not walking away when it became heated; and I said to her then, 'I need to apologise because I can't expect you to take responsibility for your part unless I take responsibility for mine'
- and in doing that, I hope that she learns not only to take responsibility & how to apologise but also that I am not perfect but I will do my best, and if I fail then I am sorry.
I hope that she (all my children) learns all that & then forgives me when I sometimes miss the mark in my parenting.

Don't now if any of that made sense! it's late & I'm going to bed.. but it is a very interesting thread