Further to the passive aggressive thread

[*star*]

Hi,

I read with interest through the whole passive aggressive thread. And I am ashamed to say I saw some of myself in those behaviours sometimes. So, with one particular incident in mind, I'm hoping you can help me get back on track and not behave in this way and address my concerns directly, instead of holding a grudge to this friend and sulking about it.

Although being able to be quite direct at work, I find it hard to be the same way in my personal relationships. The way I have behaved to this friend, which has been to basically be only polite to her and not engage in any other conversations, has not been fair. I'd like to resolve this, and the best way I can come up with is an email. I know, I am a chicken. Could you please read below (hopefully it will be clear what the issues are) and let me know whether I should send this? Deep down I know I should talk directly to her, but my stomach just churns at the thought of it - will this do, if it opens up the gates to talk about it properly later??

Thanks for your thoughts...

[Rouge]

That is awesome. And I am so proud of your (as you should be too) for taking the first step. And you should be very proud of being aware of your behaviour. And I just want to clarify too (so there's no room for misunderstanding) that I don't mean this in a patronising way. I've been where you and I have reflected on my own behaviour and there is something freeing about knowing you are in control and can change it. I hope this person can see how you are feeling and work towards mending the relationship. And know you can hold your head high, because you've done the right thing

[Traveller]

to be completely honest if someone sent me that message I would be utterly outraged. I understand the first part, but the second part about how she raises her kids is condescending and out of order. If she chooses to adhere to a strict routine with her kids this is her choice and her right. Who are you to say her kids are not better off with a routine?

If you choose to end this I would advise rewording the second paragraph to something along the lines of "I find it hard that I cannot see so much of you because of your kids routines, could we perhaps make arrangements so that we can all still see you without disrupting them? I respect your right to parent as you wish but sometimes I just miss you"

[Astrid]

to be completely honest if someone sent me that message I would be utterly outraged. I understand the first part, but the second part about how she raises her kids is condescending and out of order. If she chooses to adhere to a strict routine with her kids this is her choice and her right. Who are you to say her kids are not better off with a routine?

If you choose to end this I would advise rewording the second paragraph to something along the lines of "I find it hard that I cannot see so much of you because of your kids routines, could we perhaps make arrangements so that we can all still see you without disrupting them? I respect your right to parent as you wish but sometimes I just miss you"

I agree. I really thing with the 2nd part you were overstepping the mark. I think what Traveller has said is a great way of getting it across.

Good luck with this and good on you for deciding to do something about your friendship

[Rouge]

Yes I have to agree. But I didn't go into it because I was relating to the who idea of communicating. But if that is something you really feel you need to discuss it with her. I don't think she'll take it well but then some people might? I don't know. Some of my closest friends have questioned me on similar things, and we just sat down and talked about it until it was understood. It's hard to understand when you aren't a parent or parent differently (and I don't mean that patronisingly either especially give you are one) but it's true. One of my best buddies and I had a falling out and didn't talk for a long time because she couldn't understand what it was like to be a mother. Now she has her own child and we are very close again and she sees the faults in her POV of the past (and I wasn't completely innocent either BTW... it's always a two way street). Like I said goodluck, if you're really worried maybe just email her to talk in person, my DH says that emails/forums/texts are a bad way to communicate because so much is lost without tone, body language etc.

[2CheekyMonkeys]

i agree with the other 2 posts, i would be offended if i got a letter like that. (the second part about parenting) if it is something that you really need to talk through then i would be doing that bit in person.

[skeetaboat]

Congrats on taking responsibility for your feelings and actions But, I felt the same as Astrid and Traveller about your second paragraph. I think sending the email as it is would push her further away. TBH, it feels like there's still passive aggression hidden in there which I think you need to weed out. Maybe you can start by thinking about what is the objective of your second paragraph is? If it's to convince her to commit more time to the friendship, then I don't think the words or the tone you've used will help achieve that.

If you really do want to rekindle the friendship, instead of asking her to upend her family's routine, why don't you ask if there's a way you can schedule some catch ups that fit within her routine (like playdates)? Because you've assumed that it would be easy for her to get her kids to sleep at someone else's house, it sounds like your DD must able to do this with no hassles, so maybe catch ups at her house where her kids are in their comfort zone and have their own beds to go to at nap/bed time would work better? We do this with friends whose children need to stick to the routine and sleep in their own beds, it works quite well for all of us.

[jesses_girl]

"I know it shouldn't irritate me, but why can't your kids be like the others and sleep somewhere other than a relative's place, so that you can stay and enjoy the group?" This would be a deal breaker for me. I would feel you are questioning my decisions as a mother and what is best for my kids.

[Fleur]

Congrats on taking responsibility for your feelings and actions But, I felt the same as Astrid and Traveller about your second paragraph. I think sending the email as it is would push her further away. TBH, it feels like there's still passive aggression hidden in there which I think you need to weed out. Maybe you can start by thinking about what is the objective of your second paragraph is? If it's to convince her to commit more time to the friendship, then I don't think the words or the tone you've used will help achieve that.

Same as everyone else, I would rethink the second paragraph.

But I think it's great that you are prepared to address this.
FWIW I understand how you feel about speaking to her in person, but I just wanted to let you know that (for me, anyway) it definitely gets easier each time you do it. And the feeling you get once everything's out inthe open & you know you've done the right thing is awesome
So maybe start with a letter, but keep it simple & use it as a starting point to talking in person - that way you can go into more detail if you need but you're interacting with eachother, it makes some of the more sensitive stuff a bit easier to get out KWIM?

Good luck

[Mak]

I think it is great you are trying to reconnect with someone - it is really brave to put yourself out there like that. Well done!
I have been on the receiving end of some comments similiar to the end of the letter - it was awful. To be fair to the person delivering the message she was exasperated with me and felt that my 'excuses' were just that. However there have been massive issues that she was unaware of. Struggles with depression, PND, illnesses/conflict within the immediate and extended family, work stress and severe ongoing sleep deprivation with little to no support from others. You never really know what is going on with some people....tread carefully.

[2CheekyMonkeys]

i like skeetaboats idea.. maybe you should/could go and visit them at their place. while the kids are asleep and she isnt stressing worrying about them you can all chill out, have a few drinks (or whatever you all enjoy doing together) at their place. she would probably feel really relieved too!

[LionsandBears]

I think it's great you're trying to address your behaviour and rebuild your friendship. I wont comment on the content - others have advised on that. Regarding the process, I understand it can be very difficult to talk to someone and so may feel more comfortable sending an email. Unfortunately, it can lead to so many misunderstandings - neither of you can read the others' body language/ tone of voice etc.

Sometimes when I'm in a similar situation, I make some notes and arrange a time to talk to that person about what's bothering me. I often apologise in advance, say this is difficult for me to do, but I wanted to talk about something in person, so I'm sorry if this comes out wrong. Then I tell them what's on my mind, referring to notes if i have to. That way you get their reaction and they see your emotions too. You may need to leave them some time to deal with, cos it will be out of the blue. Don't be surprised if the reaction isn't what you want - few people can sort through all their emotions to make a rational response on the spot. So she may need time and space to process it.

Re: content, a good skill to learn when planning communication is to write down the following points:

Who is your Audience? Friend
What is your purpose? Apologise for withdrawing and try to rebuild friendship
What are the particulars: I've been behaving like X, due to a couple of situations I either didn't understand or was offended/hurt by. I want to stop behaving like X with you and if I can understand where you are coming from, it would help me be a better friend.
What is the action/take away? Can we have a better understanding of each other....or whatever.

GL

[skeetaboat]

Another point worth considering.. is it essential for you to bring up the issues with her? Would you be happy to just leave the past in the past and make moves towards rekindling the friendship? Sometimes for minor transgressions, this can be a good way forward that doesn't bring the problems into the relationship.

[Heaven]

Good on you for owning up to your mistakes and wanting to make it right.

I do agree with the others though, it's ok to tell her that you miss her etc but not ok to tell her her way of parenting is wrong iykwim.

[*star*]

Thanks.

I do need to rethink the second part. I'm not trying to say that her parenting is wrong - I love my daughter to have her routines, but to be unbending in them, and to need both parents to be at home with sleeping kids is what gets me. The parents are not allowed to be individuals. The kids aren't babies anymore (2.5 and 4). I used to be fine with respecting the sleep time thing as babies - I know how important it is and its interconnectedness with feeding, etc. But at this age to never make an exception when they'll get over a missed sleep (albeit with maybe a bit of a rough afternoon) bothers me. I think of the times that I do that to accommodate someone else and feel like I don't get the same in return from her.

Thanks for your advice. I knew the questioning parenting would be controversial, but honestly, that is what deep down bothers me. The other part I am getting over, but this is becoming a hurdle for me every time I see her. I do need her to understand that always having things at her place or at times that suit her is one-sided. Sometimes her timing doesn't fit with my DD's routine - if I were as unbending as her, we just wouldn't see each other. I don't want things always on her terms.

I'm going to reconsider how to put this point across. Any thoughts on what you might choose to say instead? I'm not sure what objective I have in saying this, but if I don't mention it at all I'm not being honest about why I'm finding it hard to be friends with her.

[anney]

Star, I did not see your full original post so can't comment on that, but this seems to be an absolutely reasonable way of saying what you are trying to get across. :

I do need her to understand that always having things at her place or at times that suit her is one-sided. Sometimes her timing doesn't fit with my DD's routine - if I were as unbending as her, we just wouldn't see each other.

You could probably soften it a bit, perhaps by saying that you feel you compromise your DDs needs to suit her children's needs all the time. and you are not prepared to continue to do that all the time.

[2CheekyMonkeys]

:yeahthat: keep it simple in the email, elaborate diplomatically in person.