In-laws - undermining our parenting -wtd?

[SammyRo]

The In-laws have always made comments about things we do IRT parenting (such as "he's not had chance to work his lungs up yet") and MIL in particular has been caught given DD food that we don't want her to have yet. But its really getting to me now - its almost that they are undermining our parenting - DH will say something to his mum and she'll just laugh it off and his dad will say what they used to do and not listen to how we want to do it.
Things really aggrevated me on Sunday night - after I'd finished feeding DS, I gave him to DH's younger sis (she's 15) to have a hold but after 5mins he started grizzling and SIL was looking uncomfortable, so I went to take him back, saying he's got wind, so FIL in said "N can wind him" and I felt that I had to leave DS there against my wishes.
Same night at dinner, DD didn't want to get in the highchair, DH tried a couple of times but she was getting upset, our policy is not to force her, but FIL raised his voice and shouted her name! DH let DD go, and 5mins later, she came to ask to sit at the table. I was really annoyed at FIL and it turns out DH was too.
MIL will also really fight giving DS back to me when he starts crying, and a couple of times, I've just had to pull him out of their arms. Now, I'm more than happy for them to have cuddles, and if they can settle him when they need it, then great, but if he won't settle, then I shoudln't feel guilty for taking my son back to comfort him.
And i could go on...
Sorry for the rant - DH is at a loss at how to deal with them and I feel like I can't say anything as I don't want to rock the boat. Apart from this, we have a good relationship with them.

[FabFiona]

TBH if it's bothering you, you should rock the boat. You believe they are undermining your parenting and they won't listen to their own son about it. In my book that's a pretty big deal.

Was it like this with your first?

[~Hestia~]

You have no reason to feel guilty - you sound perfectly valid to me!

[Mrs Jak]

Just wanted to say that I feel your pain and although we're not having too much trouble with my DH's parents atm, it does pop up now and then.

I think you are being very reasonable and should just do and say what you feel is right. They are rocking your boat, so don't feel bad about rocking theirs

[~Kim~]

Sammy, I understand how sucky it is.

When we had DD we had these issues and my advice to you and DH is to sit down and talk about how you feel about this as an issue as a whole - not nit picky things (cos it's very easy to do) but about the undermining as parents. Then either you together or just DH need to tell them 'hey, look I know you don't mean to do it, but we're feeling really xxxxx (insert your own feelings here) about some of the comments you make toawrds us. We realise that you are experienced parents but we are parenting our children the way we chose. We are doing this consciously and we'd really appreciate some support.'

I know how hard this may seem, but from experience this kind of external conflict can put strain in all sorts of places.
You guys are a team. A good team. One who knows the best for their smallest members - no questions.
Don't worry about making people 'feel bad'. You are already feeling bad and whether consciously or not they have brought this about.

FWIW when my DD was 6 weeks old, my ILs took DH aside (cos they are scared of me) and gave him a list of all the things we 'should' be doing - leaving DD with them one day a week, not breastfeeding as she was under nourished, giving her solids, letting go of the apron strings etc - and no I'm not joking. They just assumed DH would take it on board I think but of course he backed me up and we made it clear that while we appreciated they wanted to 'help' that when we needed it we would ask.
I'm glad we did that as it nipped it right in the bub instead of it festering for a couple of years.

My parents also have their views on the way children should be raised and i am certainly very vocal in my opinions towards them when the need arises. I appreciate it's their house and their rules and all, but they are my children and my rules are of the ultimate importance to them wherever they are.

Whether they agree with my opinions or think highly of my parenting or not, while I would be sad, I'd rather be confident in my parenting choices, than feel forced into something.

big again babe.
I think you're doing a great job. And I would have done/felt everything you did too.

[nic]

I've had the same thing for years with my IL's. I was brave once and told MIL not to feed something to my DD while she babysat, and she ignored me. DH only found out some hurtful stuff in the last few months. Our problem is if i say something MIL ignores me and does whatever (I've had the MIL grappling onto DS while I'm trying to take him back too) and if DH does it, then she whinges to SIL that (and even said it to DH face once) that it isnt him talking, obviously meaning me putting words in his mouth. I am at the point were I am going to blow up one day very soon, and I will be telling certain people they are not welcome unless they are fully respectful. they dont have to agree or like, but they are our children to parent, not theirs.
I would say or do something now if possible. You wouldn't want this to continue on and on and on, as they just become more confident that they are right and you are wrong.
What Kim said about chatting with your DH so you are on the same page is a great idea. If you do have a showdown one day, you want to know that he agrees with whatever you are saying and vice versa for him too.
hugs

[SammyRo]

Thanks everyone! Its really a difficult situation and one I suppose Dh and I really need to talk about. I know we're on the same page, as when I told him about the stuff that was annoying me, he agreed. The trouble is, he doesn't think his parents will take anything on board!

FionaW - yep, we got the comments with DD too - but you'd think the proof would be in the pudding that DD is a delightful girl (most of the time!) who has better manners than DH's SIL (they were over for dinner sat night, and I really felt like making a comment about her table manners)

Got to go - my "delightful" child is demanding my attention!

[Rivlas]

Grandparent here

Say something but do it together.
I am glad that our DD & SIL will say something if we have done the wrong thing in regards to how they want their children bought up. We had our turn years ago and it is now their turn. Sure they do things differently and I am sure we did things differently to our parents. Parenting your own children is trial and error, what works for one doesn't always for another, every child is different.
I will sometimes ask why, not to be mean but to understand where they are coming from.
Parenting has changes over the years which is a good thing, we live and we learn.
If he ever raises his voice again say something on the spot. It is not on. The only time we have ever done that to the boys was because they were doing something dangerous and we needed them to stop straight away. Must confess did raise my voice to GS2 last week when he bit me on the thigh but that was a reflex action and all I said was Owww

All the best but say something sooner rather than later. If they cannot abide by your parenting you need to rethink your visits to them and tell them so. It will also make you think twice about leaving her with them.

[FabFiona]

Thanks everyone! Its really a difficult situation and one I suppose Dh and I really need to talk about. I know we're on the same page, as when I told him about the stuff that was annoying me, he agreed. The trouble is, he doesn't think his parents will take anything on board!

I think regardless of whether your DH thinks his parents will take it on board it needs to be said. Therefore it is on the record and if (when) the s*!t hits the fan at least from your perspective it isn't out of the blue.

I'm also not sure I agree with Rivlas that you should do it together. I think that if it was me in that circumstance and I was there, it would get turned onto me as the relative newbie to the family. Also they might think you are forcing your DH to do it if you are there but if he goes on his own then at least you are not part of the equation.. If you know what I mean. Then again, each family is different and you know best what would work for your circumstance.

[Beautitude]

I know how frustrating this situation is. I have the same with my il's. It was a whole lot worse when DS was really little as now if he doesn't want to be held or wants mummy or daddy he will just come get up and come to us rather than us having to wrestle him out of MIL's arms lol. I remember when ds was really little and everyone was playing pass the parcel with him and it was a really hot day, he was upset and mil said he had wind and had him over her lap trying to wind him, i wanted to cry coz i felt like i couldn't even console my son when i knew he didn't have wind and was just hot from the constant holding. In the end i stormed out the house, got the sling, took him off mil and gave him to sil in the sling and told her to walk around with him in the sling and sure enough he settled to sleep. I often felt like this with MIL as i felt i didn't have any rights to my son when she was around as i didn't want to step on any toes. Its silly i know. This time around things are going to be very different and if i want my son i will be taking him off her. DH isn't the kind of guy that will bring anything up with his mum so i just kinda had to live with it. It frustrated me soo much.


I hope you and DH can sort it out quickly.

[~*familyof3*~]

I also think you should both sit down with them.Let them know exactly how you feel. Tell them what you want and what yous expect. I would also let them know that them spending time with their grandchildren is a privelidge not a right and if they choose not to do as you have asked with YOUR children then from now on there will be no visits.

Not only is it stressful for you as parents but its stressful for the children as well as they get one lot of rules for home and another else where,and at this time their lil minds cant cope with that its too much.

Hope yous can get them to see what they are doing.I know when i told my bpoys grandparents to do as i ask with them or no visits they listened very fast and the one that didnt soon did after her first missed visit

As mean as it sounds some times you just gotta put your foot down.

[Janie]

Hun, this might sound harsh, but it doesn't sound at all like you have a good relationship with them. I know what you mean, but your children and your parenting is a huuuuge part of who you are, and if this is what's going on..........well yeah, I don't think it sounds like a healthy relationship. You should never be made to feel that way, that you have to leave your crying baby with someone else. DON'T feel bad, just take him back. I know that's easy for me to say, but it's really what you need to do. YOU are his mama, he needs YOU. Once they see you mean business, then hopefully they'll back off. I totally understand you being upset with your FIL for raising his voice, my dad did the same to my DS1 yesterday - fortunately he lives interstate so I don't have to see him too often! Otherwise I think we'd be having spats over my parenting style, cos it's plain as day that he doesn't agree with it. But you know what? Tough $hit, these are our children, and we will raise them how we see fit. It's nothing to do with anyone else. (Particularly him, as there is no way I will be modeling my parenting on his style ).

[SammyRo]

Thanks everyone for your replies - I've been awol from BB as DH bought me a great book for my birthday

ATM, DH isn't keen to say anything so I'm letting him take the lead, but I've come to the realistation that DS is my baby and I'll take him back if I want to , and if they don't like it then tough! DH will prorably say something if his Dad raises his voice again though as thats not on. My parents have said they will have certain rules for their house, which doesn't worry me, as its mainly things like she can't play with certain stuff (fair enough) but when it comes to things like eating and bedtime etc, we're the parents and they accept how we do things. I can also say to my dad not to do something and he'll listen. You'd think DH's parents would get the idea that we're not comfortable leaving DD with them - they only ever get asked to babysit for short times (ie an hour or 2 at most), whereas my parents have her overnight every now and then when its needed.

Thanks again - I think we're just going to see how we go for now, and hopefully we won't have to rock the boat (my problem is I hate confrontation!)