Ellen Mary my star child

[kateo]

I had a wonderful pregnancy after 8 years of TTC. We then were happily pregnant. There was some stress as due to my age and factors around aneasthetic I had to go to a different hospital than I'd planned.
I was healthy and well. My gorgeous baby grew perfectly normally. After her due date passed we went to the hospital on a friday arvo and had an ultrasound and dr checked if I was dilated (nothing going on there).....all good. I mentioned that the baby (I didn't want to know if it was a girl or boy) wasn't moving much. Was told this is normal for them to slow before birth.
A date was set for the following thursday for me to be induced.
We had a happy week-end waiting for our much wished for child.
ON the monday I rang the hospital and was told don't worry babies don't move much before birth. On the Tuesday the nightmare began. We went to the hospital to be checked and the midwife couldn't find a heartbeat. She got a dr and an ultrasound. He couldn't find a heartbeat either but was too scared to tell us. He got another dr who finally told us our baby died. We thought they must have been wrong.
Then I had to be induced and on Wednesday 13.1.10 our beautiful, precious Ellen Mary was born weighing 3.33kg , looking perfect but not breathing. We held her and loved her but she didn't breathe and she didn't cry.
We were shattered.
Her funeral was huge and we had heaps of flowers. It was on the 22.1.10
Our lives are never going to be the same.
Now we are trying to conceive again but so far no luck.
I have a beautiful nursery and lovely baby things but no baby for them.
I can't give things away but I can't bear living with them either.
I should have looked after my baby better. I have let everyone I love down.

[ss_storm]

big Sweetheart, it wasn't your fault and no one should think that you let them down. You did all you could, and very sadly she was just meant to be an angel. I'm sorry for your loss, it must be very tough after TTC that long. I hope you get a BFP and a baby to hold in your arms very soon

Welcome to BB too, I wish it could have been under happier circumstances, but I'm sure you will be able to find great support on here and a lotta love

[diannescruffy]

Thank you for sharing your story with us. You havn't let anyone down, please know that it wasn't your fault. Your precious Ellen will always be close to your heart.

Regards,
Dianne
Emmanuel born sleeping 24wks
Trisomy 13

[PollyA]

Kateo,
YOu will find some wonderful women to support you here. You can come here and talk about your little girl, vent your frustrations, your hopes and fears. I hope it helps. If only technology was advanced enough to give you the big hug, or squeeze your hand.
As the others have said, you did nothing wrong. If you haven't already perhaps you could contact your local SANDS for extra support.

[kateo]

I have been in touch with Sids in ACT. They are very helpful but nothing actually makes me feel OK.
I just seem to feel worse every month as I get older and I am again not a mother.
I went shopping today and bought light fittings for the nursery. I was going to buy them once my baby was born and I knew if I had a boy or a girl. I got them anyway today.....totally stupid thing to buy something special for a baby I don't even have!

[chepie]

Oh hun I wish I could take some of your pain away for you.... I wish I had some wise words to help comfort you..... Have you been in contact with a counsellor??? You didn't let Ellen down hun.... What kind of light fittings did you buy? Its not silly at all babe ......

[Starfish]

Just wanted to offer my condolences over the loss of Ellen. She will be with you always.

[kateo]

I was in Aldi doing the groceries and they had these VERY cute lamps and light shades with little dogs all over them. Not too girlie or too boyish but very cute dogs. Since I only have dogs and horses as my "kids" I thought it was fitting to buy them.
Maybe one day a new baby will enjoy them anyway. I got a cute little lamp and a lihght shade for the ceiling.
Thanks to all of you for your kind words. I just can't stop feeling like it's my fault I let Ellen die. I should have been more push when I was worried about her not moving I guess.

[Liviam]

I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss of your gorgeous princess, Ellen Mary. We are all here for you and the ladies on here are the most amazing support.

Play free little Ellen and watch over your mummy and daddy.

[~Hestia~]

Bigs hugs hun. Am so sorry for your loss.

[boobaloo]

i am so very sorry for your loss, and as the other ladies have said, you did nothing wrong. you had the instinct that something was not ok, and it wasn't followed through by people that should have been on top of it. i hope that being here with other mothers (and fathers), who have suffered loss, gives you the strength to forgive yourself.

i hope that you get a little baby in your arms soon xoxo

[Ginger]

you haven't let ellen down xoxo
i hope you have a little bundle soon

[kateo]

Thanks for your replies.
I have had a very teary day.
I still feel the empty arms of not having my baby.
I have written about 50 poems about how I feel but I can't feel ok.

[Miss.B]

Oh Kate, I am so very sory for your loss. I had tears readig your story. Please don't feel that you let Ellen down, you are a beautiful mum (yes, you ARE a mum) who looked after her little princess the best you could. I lost a son at 21 weeks in October 2008, and I felt like I've let him down so badly. It took me some time to realise that he was meant to be here for a very short time, for what ever reason, and that my body didn't let me down. I had a subsequent pg recently and I finally realised that my body would be strong enough to carry another child. For a long time I questioned that. I wish you every success with TTC again hun. There is a wonderful thread, TTC after a late loss, there are some really gorgeous, supportive women in there.

Big hugs
Beata xxx

[kateo]

I sooo don't feel like a mum! I just feel like a failure. I can't even succeed at what other people achieve by accident!
I am so sorry I made you cry with my story. I seem to make people cry too much.

[AndiE]

Just wanted to send you a .
So very sorry to read of the loss of your beautiful baby girl.
Take care of yourself at this difficult time.
xx

[Kazmar]

I sooo don't feel like a mum! I just feel like a failure. I can't even succeed at what other people achieve by accident!
I am so sorry I made you cry with my story. I seem to make people cry too much.

You ARE a mum no matter what, you are Ellen's mum!!!!
You're amazing to have gone through that and now telling you DD's story

I hope your next journey isn't as long and heartbreaking for you. You will find many friends here and ladies who have been through similar and can help

[Miss.B]

Sweetie, you are NOT a failure. Please believe me when I say that. Your little girl is so proud of you I bet. I felt like a failure too, but I realised that I did the best I could for my baby, I was only so sorry that he couldn't stay here wtih us. I feel so proud to be his mummy, I wait patiently until we can be together again. And I take comfort in that, otherwise I'd go crazy. Oh sweetie, I wish I could reach across the screen and give you a big hug. The empty arms feeling is so terrible, I know. I got a lot of councelling which helped me enormously. Still seeing my psych. Reach out and get some help hun, it really is so invalueble.