Kate: you did the best for your baby and told them your worries and they checked her and she was ok at that stage. There was nothing you could have done differently (it only feels that way because now you know the outcome). You couldn't have foreseen what was going to happen to your baby.
Wishing you all the best. I hope you get some good support from family, friends and professionally too as you need it. I hope you will be blessed with a sibling for Ellen soon.
There was nothing you could have done differently (it only feels that way because now you know the outcome).
thanks for that comment Possum Magic.
Sometimes I think it is just because I know the outcome.
I wake up each morning in tears
Here is one of the many poems I've written that tell how I feel each morning.
I wake up every morning
To dark, well before the dawn
I lie there and think to myself
That you will soon be born
I smile and think of all the fun
We’ll have when you arrive
I imagine how our life will be
How much fun we’ll have in our lives
Then I remember the whole truth
The reason you are not with me
My eyes open; I being to weep
Then I cry ‘till I cannot see
Each morning my day starts this way
With tears for you my love
I hope one day I’ll sleep through dawn
And you’ll smile upon me from above
I lie awake and try to think
What I did to cause this pain
I can’t believe you’re not with me
I have to live in this world with such shame
I go over every moment
I spent with you little one
I check each thought and reassess
My thoughts then they come undone
I try to find a meaning
Try to work out why it’s so
I cannot really understand
Why it is you had to go
The alarm goes off, I pretend to wake
I try and hide this ongoing pain
I wish things had been different
I want you back with me again
I move from bed, I start the day
I think of you as I start to rise
The tears I shed for you this morning
Are part of everyday’s sad surprise
Each morning as I wake weeping
To the dark surrounding me
I think of you then slowly remember
Not having you is how it always will be
Kateo, I'm so very sorry for you loss. What a moving poem... I really hope that writing helps, in some small measure, to work your way through this difficult time.
Not really much else I can say but to echo the other posts - you ARE a mum, you did nothing wrong. We are all here for you
you did nothing wrong, your little girl is a beautiful little one, and she is very lucky to have a mummy like you.
it is now her turn to look down on you and watch over you.
you are not silly for buying those lights, and nor are you silly or wrong for waking up in tears.
this is all normal and this is part of your grieving process.
so please stop being hard on yourself or feeling silly,
accept it as a part of how things are for a little while.
andone day you will wake up and feel lighter, you will never let go of her as she is such a precious gift.
please let yourself go and let yourself feel every emotion you need to without judging yourself.
How are you doing today? When I replied to you in the TCC thread, I hadn't yet about your journey to get there and your darling Ellen.
I can't say it better than what Beata and Possum have already said. But it's worth repeating as you need to hear it...... you have done nothing wrong, you have not let anyone down, let alone your little angel Ellen, you are a mother of the most precious sweet child, you are finding your way through grief... and it is the most demanding and heartbreaking journey, you are worthy of letting your blame go, and you are worthy of love and support. You are precious, just hurting.
When people say what you say makes them cry, it means at least in here, and the loss threads, that they understand your pain and wish they could help you in your time of need.
Your poem describes exactly how I felt and acted for so long. It is truly moving - you have a very rare gift with your poetry.... I would be honoured if you felt up to sharing more of your poems.
After a while I noticed I wasn't waking up with the dawn and crying the day my sobs hidden by the birdsong. When I realised it, in fact I missed it, I realised it became a way I felt connected with my babies. I still feel that way, but there are also other feelings there, some of them hopeful for the future. I had to find another way to feel connected with my babies in order to stay sane .... so for me, the way I stay connected and honour my angels, is going to sound corney, but I do it by living. I am the living embodiment of my babies, and they live through me. I honour them, every day by showing the world the love and humilty and grace that my babies showed me. They have given me such a sense of purpose, to live my life with love. That's what works for me. Everyone finds their own way through these dark days.
One of the things that I was most scared of, even when I was crying all the time, was how I moved on once the constant crying stopped, as it was the only way I felt connected to my babies. I just didn't know what came next....
I loved those lights at Alidi, but didn't buy one... so you have one up on me.... at least you acted on your desire.
How is your DH/DP going?
Go gently my sweet... sending you my love and support and encouragement to keep going to counselling with your new counsellor. Grief is hard work and thank goodess most people don't have a lot of "experience" in having to work through it.
I also wanted to say, you are so brave for sharing your experiences of your pregnancy with Ellen and her birth. It's an important step, and takes courage, like so many things on this grief journey.
Remember - you are worthy and you are loved.
Last edited by dory; July 28th, 2010 at 05:38 PM.
: addition
Thanks for your lovely comments Dory.
I feel bad when I don't honour Ellen enough.
I feel like I am in a very deep hole atm.
The rush to try and have another baby is really impacting on me too. I just can't imagine my life now if I am not a mother.
My DH is also up and down. I am so proud of him for seeing a counselor once or twice a month as most blokes won't do that. He has been very angry but seems to be getting better.
He gets angry when he thinks people are not treating me perfectly.
If not for him I'd have left here soon after Ellen.
He is my reason to be here.
I certainly feel like I don't want to do anything except be a mum. I can't get on with life because it doesn't seem important enough...........
one moment at a time..... you will get there.... together you and DH will get there.... he's important to you, and you can build on that.
you are already a mum, to your precious angel Ellen, it can take time to get a sense of that, and maybe for some people they don't ever. it's not motherhood as most people recognise it, but for others who are mothers to precious angel babies you are ..... here's why....you loved your Ellen and still do with all that you have, you nutured her as best you could, you cared and still care for her, and you honour her every day just by getting up and facing the day, and trying to find a way forward and you want the best for her and her memory. you write the most amazing poetry for your Ellen....
I am proud of your DH too, that is very courageous of him to go to counselling, it would be easy to try and ignore how he feels, to his and your detriment. I have never really gotten angry, not for a decent amount of time, and it always makes me feel like I love my babies less for it. Sounds wacky huh? It's just an example of how everyone's journey is different.
Have you thought of setting up a tribute page to your darling daughter Ellen? It might be a way that you feel like you could do something proactive to remember her every day and share your thoughts, feelings and beautiful poetry. I can send you a link to some of my favourites .... one on Blogspot is called My Forever Babies Seth and Tait ( or is it Tait and Seth)?
I have been thinking about a page like you are talking about but I am totally not techno savy and it would be a real stretch for me.
I have enough trouble working out how to navigate this site!
I haven't been angry yet either. I have never really been angry in my life....I do disspointed and sad but rarely angry.
I hated the waiting room at the hospital where I had to go to have Ellen. In her memory I have encouraged them to make the waiting room nicer and more comfortable.
I look through the photos we have of Ellen now and then. I want to print them off and make an album but hubby doesn't. He says they are too sad.
thanks again for replying here. It's so nice to know people care. I have lost so many friends since Ellen died and living out here on a farm is pretty isolated.
DH and I have different views on how to remember our babies too. I have some photos in an album and I keep them in my bedside drawer. They are for me. I don't expect DH to look at them, and to be honest he doesn't. It's OK to need things differently from your husband. There are some commemorative sites that you might like - To Write Their Names in the Sand, To Say it with Flowers - Rory's Garden, and Waterfall Angels. There are other sites too - ones that do memorial jewellery, ones that write names in coloured chalk on the sidewalk and take a photo.
Carly from To Write Their Names in the Sand and Rory's Garden, does some simply amazing and beautiful work. I only recently stumbled across Waterfall Angels, but it is similarly beautiful. It's a way to remember your Ellen, but not necessarily have a photo of her displayed.
I really like your idea about improving the waiting room at the hospital... how very moving and thoughtful.
I am also in the dark ages with technology, but I hear that the blog pages are relatively easy to set up and maintain. Still I haven't made the leap yet.
Here are some other links, less well known than Bonnie Babes or Sids and Kids, that might help......
I am sorry that you feel you have lost friends... some people just don't know what to say or have preconceived ideas about what grief should look like and how long it should last. You will always find an understanding soul in here. You are not alone.
I've been away with DH for a few days. We had a lovely break. Hopefully this 2ww will have a bfp. We got sad news on returning home a good friend had died suddenly just when he was expected to be returning home from a illness that put him in hospital for a few days.
He was a wonderful man and father to two lovely daughters and a son (all teenagers). His poor wife will have a long road to walk now.
In other news we have been followed everywhere by little blue wrens. Even on our holiday we saw them everywhere and we seem to have a family of them in our garden. I can't remember seeing them here before my Ellen left.........has anyone else noticed things like this?
Kateo - about the wrens - yes, we noticed butterflies and birds. I think somehow in our grief, we notice the smaller things. Possibly they were always there before, but because day to day life can be so consuming, we don't notice. I am so sorry to hear about your friend.... what a terrible time now and for some time to come for his family. Good to hear you had a nice time away too, it can really help. Fingers crossed for those two lines....
I am so sorry to hear of your loss, your story is really a reality setter.. after all that time and then to be in heart ache.. I can not express my sorrow for you as i dont think anyone can feel it in the way you do, This lil angel was obviously too good to be here and is probably looking after you every step you make, Those lil wrens are probably her and others making sure you are looking at the nicer side of life.. Like so manyt people have said you could NOT have known or controlled what was to happen to your beautiful baby girl, It was NOt your fault!! You did your job as her mother from the day she was concieved and you did your job bringing her into the world even if she didnt get to breathe you gave her everything a mother could...
I am so sorry for your loss and for your DH i wish there was words that could be said that would help you but pls know you and you hubby are in my thoughts and your lil angel is in my prayers
oh and kate can i add due to you feeling like you have lost your friends..
My BFF lost her daughter 9 months ago in very similar circumstances, and i went to the babies funeral and too visit but for about 6 weeks i sort of moved away not because i didnt care but because i really had no idea how to comfort her and to keep my feelings hidden, i woke up to myself and ran to her straight away and was so relieved when she understood and we had the biggest D&M and cried together and now again we are inseperable but i felt soooooo bad i couldnt explain, i am now due on the day her lil angel was born with a lil girl as well and i struggled to tell her that i was even pregnant let alone due on that day with the same sex... dont feel isolated cause people around you are probably just scared but as for the people who have walked away and dont have time for you YOU are better off without them believe me your much better than that and deserve better surroundings mwaaaaaaaaa
Here's another poem I wrote........it's 7 months since Ellen died and 7 months of worrying like this.........
Dear mother with a living child
I’ll try and explain how I feel inside
What life’s like without my child now
I hope you’ll understand somehow
I don’t have my child now you can see
So we’re very different you and me
My darling baby died so very young
While you kept your daughter or your son
I never had the chance to be
With my baby in my arms with me
I only got one day to hold
Her close to me but she’s still with me I’m told
You’ve had the tears the smiles and such
It probably doesn’t surprise you much
That I wanted that in my life each day
This shouldn’t have been my lonely way
I’ll ask you to remember how
You feel when your child’s not with you now
Do you worry about them and think that they might
Be feeling quite sad without you tonight?
Do you think of all the problems that befall?
A child on their own without a mum they can call?
Do you worry they might cry without you there?
Do you care they might hurt themselves without you near?
A mother with a living child
Has many fears, or so I’m told
She has so many worries for her children’s lives
It’s a wonder she doesn’t develop hives!
A mother who’s like me you see
Never can see where her baby might be
She never holds them again in her lap
Or soothes their fears when they get in a flap
Everyday without them and every long night
Is spent wondering where they are; are they alright?
Every waking minute is worry and fear
That they’re hurting or needing our love to be near
So I’m sure you have worries for your kids each day
But when you see them again you know they’re OK
You know that they’re living and learning to grow
And although it’s scary they’ll come home, you know
My baby however will never return
To my arms and my life or the place she was born
I’ll always be worrying is she OK?
And this is the difference; each in our own way
For you can always return to your child
And know they are OK and watch them with a smile
But for me it is different to you every day
I cannot see my child so I worry away
I will never know if my kid’s doing fine
If they’re crying or smiling or playing in sunshine
If they’re having a good day or this one is bad
I can’t know if my child lives in joy or is sad
So try to imagine for a while if you can
That your baby’s not with you that you cannot plan
To help them when they’re needy; just tie up their shoe
Try to imagine not having them right here with you
Try to think how you’d feel with your baby not here
Put yourself in my shoes and imagine my fear
Of never quite knowing your child is alright
Now imagine how I feel trying to sleep at night
I know it’s impossibly too hard to believe
But this is the world in which I try to achieve
Some understanding from this trouble and strife
This is the way now I have to live my whole life
Oh mothers with live children hold them close to you
And share with them, care for them and keep love true
Don’t for one day imagine it’s too hard to go on
For without a child in your arms the feelings are still strong
So mother with living children I hope you see
How sad and difficult life is for me
I know life is tough with a growing young one
But without baby with you life just comes undone.
Beautiful words Kateo.
I will certainly heed them,
I am sending thoughts to you and to your beautiful daughter Ellen who has a mum who is honouring her memory with so much love.
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