What should a 6 & 8yr old be doing around the house- PLEASE HELP

[Cocolove]

I find it hard to get my children to listen to me they comepletly disrespect me which I see as my own fault for not starting the whole chore thing earlier I just always thought its much quicker for me to do it and I feel a sense of guilt for having them do things for me & i have never been sure if they are old enough to do certain things like when I ask them to put away their clothes they SHOVE them in the draws any draw they see.
If I ask them to put their clothes in the wash they chuck them on the bathroom floor if I ask them to clean their room they shove everything in the wardrobe, under the bed, in the toy box (even clothes) wherever they can find a hole DD2 has even shoved food in her pillowcase.
There is rubbish under my couch from them sneaking food, my NEW couch is filthy and needs steam cleaing and i found lollies down the side of it when they know damn well there is no food in the lounge room.
I cant buy new things coz i just dred them wrecking it, its so upsetting im at my wits end.

I need straight forward adivce, hit me with it hard and HONEST.

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

hun i don't have kids that old yet but i have brothers that age, the youngest 2 are good and generally help stepmum out but she has had to be tough lately.

* If they don't pick up toys etc, confiscate them.. they don't get them back until their room is tidy
* Use a sticker/reward or pocket money system for putting away clothes etc - if it's not done properly (neatly etc) they don't get paid.
* do you have animals, maybe 1 of their jobs can be helping feed an animal?
* Don't do things properly no tv/computer/ vid games etc etc

Above all else i think if they are asked to do something and it's not done properly they should do it until it is, thats worked for my stepmum, they get over not being able to do other things so they do it right the first time.

Aside from that can you make it FUN? Put on a cd, dance along with them, sort things into colors etc?

Can you get them both a little basket for their clothes (if you don't already) get them to decorate it and it's their job to take it to the laundry?

Sorry prob no help.. GL with it all

OH RE: FOOD... as horrible as it sounds DON'T BUY IT... tell them if you keep finding food under the toys, clothes etc you wont buy it anymore, start with their fave food and make sure they see that it's not in the cupboard, if they keep going buy 1 less thing a week.. they wont let themselves starve and i'm sure they will re-thin when theres no snacks in the house...

[MrsFabuloso]

I think you just need to stop accepting their behaviour.
I was letting my kids trash their toy room. The other day I got jack of it and now the new rule is it get's tidies twice a day, before their day nap and then just before bed time. I time it so that it's about 20-30mins before sleep time, I help them because they're only (just) 2 and almost 3 1/2. They are old enough now to learn to be responsible for their toys. DS is still a bit young to toatlly understand it all, be he gets that he needs to help and that I won't take no for an answer any more. If I find their toys where they shouldn't be, I take them to the church next door and donate them. I don't care if it's their favourite toy, they should take responsibility for it. And I have done it. If I give a threat, I do it in the time I specify. So if I say by the time I hang the washing out, you need to have tidied away the blocks into the container, or I will take your toys next door and donate them to the kids who don't have toys....I will do it. DD know's that very well and learnt the hard way. DS again is a bit little to get it, but knows he has to pack away or I won't be happy.
For your kids, being a bit older and able to comprehend consequences, I would sit them dawn and give them an honest forthright talking to. Write down what you want to say to them, figure out a loose plan, and then have them add their input. Tell them how you feel too, when they ignore you and disrespect you and their things. Maybe for your 6yrs old, some visuals would help her, like a sort of sticker chart. Then outline the consequences of what will happen if they don't do what is expected. And do it. EVERY time. You need to be consistent. It can be exhausting for you in the beginning until they realise you're serious, but once they do they should start doing what you want them to and what is expected of them.
Good luck, remember that they are in bad habbits at the moment and it will take time to change, but persist. My kids are getting better at knowing to clean their toys up, they don't resist or whine about it so much anymore, they just help, and I don't have to do as much prompting or helping as I did a week or so ago, because thye knwo I won't let them get away with it any more.

[Lulu]

All that has been said AND - pit the little buggers against each other. "Who can get their shoes put away first?" etc. Praise, praise,praise PRAISE! Oh you did that better than me, nice job, yaaaaay, it's finished and we can do *something fun*.

[Yeddi]

We have a saying in this house "you don't respect what they don't appreciate". They obviously don't appreciate their stuff, and as much as I hate to say it... they don't appreciate their mum enough to listen and look after your stuff.

Confiscation and enforcing the idea that these things are privileges and not rights will help to grow children, and more importantly future adults, that are responsible and respectful. In our house we have individual chores, family chores, chores to earn pocket money and chores of service.

The first lot of chores are ones that are basic self maintenance - making their own beds; cleaning their rooms; putting their dirty laundry in the basket; my daughter even washes her own clothes by sorting them into colours/whites, turning on the machine, putting in the suds etc. (all with supervision of course) but she's only 5 and she's high-functioning autistic - so there should be no reason why a fully functioning 8y/o can't learn to. She also helps hanging them out (which is very helpful when heavily pregnant to not have to bend) by handing me the clothes with the pegs. If they don't do these things at all (i.e. I find clothes or toys on the ground after zero hour - usually just before bed) they get taken. If they're not put away properly - they get taken. When they've run out of clean clothes or toys to play with they start to appreciate what they have and will work towards earning them back - starting with the dirty clothes they have to wash first.

The second lot of chores are ones we do simply because we are a family and a family is a joint effort - we are a community with different skill sets and no one is anyone else's slave. Family chores are set depending upon age and ability. The younger one's feed the animals, collect the eggs, set the table etc. The older one's stack the dishwasher, sweep the floor - that sort of thing.

And then there's chores for money. These are normally chores that are our or more "adult" chores or fall out of the scope of family living and individual maintenance. Things like washing the car, painting downpipes or fences etc., ironing daddy's shirts, getting rid of cobwebs from the eaves, selling eggs to the neighbours (they get a cut after having to pay hen tax for the chicken's upkeep), cleaning out the garage - that sort of thing.

Lastly, we do chores of service. It was really important to us to instil in our children a sense of community. So once a month we'll go do things like plant trees, or volunteering at the zoo, or do a little working bee at nana's or an elderly friends place (the last two are normally the favourites because it usually involves homemade chocolate sponge cakes and milkshakes).

So there are lots of options, and trying to do them all at once is not going to work - you have to add them gradually and reinforce them with positive praise once they are done. I'm not going to say it's easy at first - they will fight you (and use far more energy in fighting you than it would take to do what you've asked) but it is one of those situations where there will be some backwards adjustment before you can run forwards.

As for the couch - that would really tick me off, they all cost money and don't grow on trees - I would ban them from sitting on it until they treated it with respect, part of that respect would be no eating or drinking on the couch. If they wont get off it when you tell them to, then you remove the reason why they want to sit on it (and I'm guessing that's the t.v) until they listen. So something like this:
Weekday afternoon...
Mum: Says, "No eating on the couch please"
Kids: Ignore mum and think "I'm going to eat on the couch anyway"
Mum: Says, "Fine, no food and no t.v"
Kids: Think, "You're not going to do that" and keep doing what they're doing, or only obey while they think mum is watching. As soon as mum goes, they're back on the couch.
Mum: Mum sees, she doesn't ask again but simply takes away the food and unplugs the t.v - physically removing it from the room.
Kids: Sit there agape as they realise mum is serious.
Mum: Thinks, "It's a pain but I know I'll most probably only have to do it once, twice at the most".
Kids: Start to carry on.
Mum: Says calmly, "You can have the t.v back, when you treat my couch with respect, and respect me by doing as I've asked and stop eating on it".
Kids: Continue to carry on.
Mum: Calmly ignores them.
Kids: Give up and go find something else to do. They go to bed, wake up, go to school and still find the t.v. gone. They eat afternoon tea out in the backyard or at the table.
Mum: Puts back the t.v. once the kids are in bed.
Kids: Wake up to see t.v.
Mum: Says, "If you put food in the couch again, I will take the t.v. away again".
Kids: Believe mum. Stop eating on the couch. And the beauty of this method, is mum doesn't have to keep regulating them if she has more than one child, because one sibling will keep the other in check because they don't want to lose the t.v. again.

It sounds harsh, but you don't have to be harsh in applying it. Actually, it is best to be the opposite and be very cool, calm and collected with a this is the way it is attitude - because it is - it's life. They wont get away disrespecting people and other people's things anywhere else without there being consequences - it could cause unnecessary tension in relationships, they could lose their jobs etc. The big gesture only has to be done once or twice and gets the message across quickly to bring about peace quickly. And the benefits will fall out to other areas because the kids have to start to think, "If mum meant what she said there, does she also mean what she says here...?" They will eventually begin to start to self-regulate and take responsibility and pride in themselves and their belongings and relationships - which is the goal. But you have to be consistent, if your not, you most probably should just resign yourself to the other alternatives of nagging, giving-up, and being ignored.

Anyway good luck.

[kawazuki]

we have DS who is 10
and disrespects everything
so now he has nothing
no privilages nothing.

tough you may say. but sorry if he is going to be rude, back chat, treat us poorly
what we spend our money on adn do doesn't apply to him becuase he simply doesn't deserve it.

its hard, and its taken us a long time to do it but we have day 3 and no real change, but after the month he may change
otherwise he will be going to live with his mum.

we will be disrespected no more.

[deletedit]

I'm a messy person myself but there's a point where things get TOO messy and you can't let it go.

I don't have a huge problem getting my 9yo to clean her own room as long as it doesn't get too ridiculous. She used to do the shove stuff in anywhere trick as well because she was getting overwhelmed. Get in there with her and tell/show her how to do it and where things go works pretty well, the little ones seem to like direction and don't like being forced to do a huge job, they like smaller jobs better so break it down for them.

The toddler trashes the lounge though and she's too young yet to convince her to put stuff away. The bigger one gets paid to do that but is inordinately slow because she has to sort everything by colour and line it up by size first instead of just picking up all the books and putting them away and repeating for each type of toy in the lounge. She has several other small non-essential jobs she can do - her idea to do them - so if she doesn't do them they don't get done. Her current bribe for doing it is to build up some money to buy lego with.

I don't let the big one eat in the lounge but the small one is allowed otherwise she screams the house down and won't eat at all so we give in for our own sanity. We're moving house soon to a more modern floorplan where the kitchen/lounge/dining are all in one room so it might not be such an issue there, and moving is a good time to start new habits anyway.

[Cocolove]

thanks for all the advice.

Keep it coming

[Astrolady]

Make it a game. If my lounge room is trashed I will say "Okay you boys find 10 things to pick up and put away properly in the loungeroom, and who can do it the quickest ... ready set go" even Ashton my 3 yr old who can count to 10 gets in there and does it as well.

My boys have their own computer. Have done so for ages, but last weekend it was finally connected to our wireless internet network. They know they are not allowed on till jobs are done. Quicker they get their jobs done, quicker they get to go on. Their connection is via USB so I can disconnect it when I want. During the week I give them 1 big job to do, like last week was clean skirting boards, and I don't mind if it takes the whole week for them to do it all, as long as they do some each day. On weekends they have to clean up general untidyness, bedrooms, bathroom etc.

I found threatening putting general toys etc in the bin didn't work for my lot. Even when I did put a bag of toys that were all over the floor in the bin, neither of them batted an eyelid.

[MissM]

DD has helped me for as long as I can remember - when she was a toddler, she was to put her own toys away (i would help of course) until she was 4, then she done it on her own.

When we visit a relatives/friends house she MUST clean up after herself. It BUG the S**T out of me, when children come to our place and leave a mess! DD knows that if we have guests if you play with something you put it away - so sometimes she comes and dobs on them for not putting their things away No doubt some ppl get cranky, but I dont care, this is my house, and we do not play in living rooms (we have too many breakables) we do not have feet on the lounge etcnd if you dont like my rules dont come here - Teach your children manners! HAHA

We have had a few issues obviously, but my punishment is if its a toy (for eg) I WILL throw it out, i dont care what it is, if I have repeatedly asked you to do something, and you are ignoring me, see how many toys we can throw in the bin, it wont bother me if all your toys are in the bin!

We had a bit of an issue early on in the year where i had to keep telling DD more than twice do clean her room - In the end I told her if I have to tell her again I will get rid of EVERYTHING in her room, she can sleep on tiles & some other child will have fun with her Wii, tv, psp, dsi, stereo, bed, etc. It got done - and gets done everyday! DD knows I WILL do what I say.

DD is now 8, and I have to remind her about putting away her homework, bag etc. I dont have an angry tone often - but when i haveTHAT tone she knows to watch out thats all i generally have to do.

I also agree with the chart - not too sure on the ages of your kids, but its a good way for them to be a bit competitive with each other (in a good way) something like whoever has the most stars at the end of the week is allowed extra game time.

I dont agree with rewarding children with food - i feel this creates an emotional eating pattern. Personally, I would STOP buying lollies & treats for them, until you are convinced there has been change. DONT feel bad for doing it!! This will teach your children responsibility and respect. Your partner will also have to work with you on this otherwise it will be too hard.

[deletedit]

DD knows I WILL do what I say.

Woohoo another "horrible" mother

If you threaten and don't follow through, it undermines you something severe. If you're going to threaten/reward you are doing yourself a disservice if you don't actually do what you say - even an occasional slip can undo it all. Unfortunately if you've already got into a long-standing habit of letting things slide, its going to take a while of being "horrible" (my DD's favourite word) before your kids take you seriously and start doing what you say.

Might be time for a "no more Mr Nice Guy" grand announcement.

[MissM]

Woohoo another "horrible" mother

Love it!! Kids NEED to be shown how things **SHOULD** be done - Bring out Mean Mummy!! :LOL:

[Cocolove]

I know I know, its just so hard to break old habits but im going to try

[Mak]

RD you have to give both yourself and them a break! It will take a while and some success and not to get things in place. I think mucking in with them and making it as fun (whilst not negotiable as possible) is the best way to get them moving. Don't be put off if it doesn't happen over night either!
I have recently realised I was doing all the cleaning up (cos it was faster and the way I wanted) - DD told DH that it was 'mummy's job' and I had a real rethink. To start off we have had a big clean out.
Room by room so all the inappropriate/broken stuff has gone, sets are sorted and together and everything has a place (or at least room for everything, lol).
Now we have 'clean up time' when music goes on and we dance around and clean up, also have used a timer and harnessed DD1's need to win by having competitions!!!
Keep at it and you will see results but don't be put off in the mean time - last weekend DD1 cleaned her room all by herself as a surprise!!!!