Advice: 16yo DD Taking "Liberties".

[Bathsheba]

Nutshell: Our DD is turning 16 this month. She has been away at boarding school this year and done very well socially and academically. We feel like rewarding her but we don't have much money ATM due to an impending interstate move. We agreed to letting her have a birthday party here at home. However without consulting us about the details she has taken it upon herself to set a date (it's the night I was going to go to a BB Christmas Dinner) and guest list (about 40 teens... her previous party had about 20 guests and the house felt full). And she has publicly posted this onto her FaceBook page on which she has over 1000 friends! Argggghhh!

Apparently she has just made it private again... but for some reason she prefers to have her FB page set at public.

Anyhow: how should I clamp down on all this? She deserves to be rewarded after doing so well at school: last year at her old school she failed pretty much everything... and now she gets good grades, usually in the top 5 girls in her class.

I just feel really taken for granted... I'm looking forward to her coming home... but I'm also dreading the high drama and the house being flooded by her friends who are still leading worrying lives (drugs/alcohol etc).

This is her house too... but I feel like I'm about to lose my sanctuary... and that my young boys are also going to have to deal with conflict/noise/and late nights being kept awake by their sister and friends. It's such a balancing act!

[Visitor7]

I think you're going to have to simply tell her that yes, she can have a party for her birthday, but there is a limit to how many people can come. Posting it on Facebook (especially if it's public) is asking for trouble. Remind her that it your house, your rules. Of course it's hers as well, but she doesn't pay for it, you and your dh do. Does she realise that by making her settings public, friends of friends can see what's happening. So with this party, friends of friends of friends will see it and could possibly turn up.

[Inanna]

I saw your FB...
It's hard hey & I'd be annoyed too my love. However, even though she needs to be pulled up on respecting others - I would suggest that maybe she's just being ego centric which is quite normal (but not acceptable) for teenagers...

I hear you, I get you - but having a 15year old I know how completely Self centred they are without even realising it. Cuddles to you. xxx

[Babyluv]

40 ppl isn't that many for a teens party, sounds like she deserves to have a great night with all of her friends. Maybe you could move the party to somewhere else, it's only one night of no sleep

[Inanna]

Oooh I disagree. 40 teenagers is a LOT... And if money is an issue (which it is for most) then moving it somewhere else will likely cost money. catering for 40-50 will be a big deal. So I totally get your concerns Bath. I don't think Babyluv the issue is having the party - just that she didn't discuss the details with her parents & that definitely is something that needs a talk... IMO

[*LittleMissSummer*]

Gee, teenagers these days must have a lot more friends than what i did in school! i had maybe 15....? and thats over estimating.

I think 40 is too many to have a party at your house. 20 is reasonable but again pushing it. I think you should really have some ground rules. If you trust your daughter to behave herself and she has good judgement in her friends then go ahead with it.

As for posting it all over FB you have the potential to have gate crashers and the whole thing could be a complete disaster. I think you should tell her to remove the event off her FB and text/call the people she wants to come and leave it as that.

When i was her age i went to a few parties that got SO out of hand was supposed to be not many people and turned into hundreds.

GL xox

[Bathsheba]

Thanks for reading/replying I really don't like having family squabbles on FB... this is the first occasion we've had one.

Inanna: yep, pure ego-centricness. And the worst of it will be her outrage when we try to modify her plans... and then what my young boys witness. I guess all i can do is control my own reactions so that they witness calm in the face of outrage.

I know 40 teens doesn't sound like much... however having had house full of teens before it is... if you really want to keep it under control. No we can't move the party somewhere else... we don't have the $ to hire anywhere and we don't have anyone to help with our younger children. It has to be here. Like I said, we had 20 round for an Australia Day party and that was enough.

The thing is teens get restless... they move around a lot (unlike adults who tend to move slower as they mingle)... they like to come and go... meet up with friends down the street... bring them back... wander down the back lane... wander back in... leaving doors and gates open for my 4yo to slip through... they climb on furniture and they play rough with the pool table... they tie cans of drink to helium balloons and then play at floating them through your house. All in all having 40 teens over is like having 80 adults in terms of how "busy" it feels... plus they eat fast and LOTS!

ETA: sorry the phone rang... I missed a few replies... I agree Inanna... it does feel like too many.

[Mum2SweetCs]

i havent read the reply but how about suggesting her have a grown up sit down dinner
where everyone dresses up in ****tail dresses and gets "Adult" style 3 course meals.

THat way the idea might sound appealing to her and and she wont be able to seat 40 people on a table?

[Bathsheba]

I love that idea M2OSB... but she has definite ideas and it's so hard to get her to agree to even minor changes. She can't see why we won't allow her friend to DJ for her (he is professional) but we are fairly certain that if we let a DJ take control then our neighbours will suffer! We also might sound like total wet blankets but we don't want imappropriate music to be played in our house (lots of swearing and references to b*tches and hoes) with my young boys listening... I really don't want my 4yo to be singing "Don't you diss me B*tch!!" for the rest of the school holidays... and that's the kind of music they are into these days. *sigh*

[Mum2SweetCs]

Totally agree about the music these days! Has no meaning at all!

How about hiring a council hall out then? that way at least you dont know the neighbours lol.

As long as the party doesnt turn out like that notorious one *forgot the guys name* where 1000s turned up.

[Bathsheba]

After paying nearly $9000 per school term this year to send her to boarding school we really don't have much $ left over. And the idea of trying to supervise a council hall full of teens REALLY worrys me! It's just me and DH who also have to care for two young boys against a hall full of hungry boundary pushing teens! eeeek!

[Lulu]

oh hun, since when is it about getting her to agree to the minor details? You should outline how many people, starting time, what food SHE is going to provide (with your help of course), the fact that NO alcohol with be allowed and drunken kids that turn up with be sent away or their parents called.

She can fill in what goes on inside those parameters - regardless of how well she has done at school. (I painted a wall last week - doesn't mean there is a brass band coming down the street to celebrate )

Of course she is going to whine about it (that's her job). Too bad, you have to be the boring parentals and set the rules because that's your job.

xoxoo GL!

[Olive]

sorry darl, im a rush so havent read the whole thread.... no matter what you decide id be notifying the police that there is a party and it may get bigger thank you're happy with

[Bathsheba]

Yep, Lulu that's pretty much our plan of attack. Especially the ground rules about drugs and alcohol. Fortunately her best friend (a platonic male who went up to her school for the formal) has also warned her about having parties. He held one a few months ago which went totally pear shaped despite parameters. He had an older brother who died of a drug overdose so this kid is seriously against recreational drug taking. His parents also said that if the kids wanted to drink and smoke etc they could leave the house... which they all ended up doing... to the park across the road. And what with them being able to sms each other soon friends of friends joined in and it was getting dark and it got out of control. One girl drank too much and was suspected of experimenting with drugs so an ambo had to be called. The poor host was a wreck and in tears to DD on the phone the following day. Poor kid but I'm glad he is my DDs best friend!

So yes, no popularity contest with this mumma... it's my house... and I make the rules. Just need a sanity check... thanks for reading!

[appletree]

Wow, this could be a complete nightmare!

Do you have anyone you could send the boys too for the night? Like grandparents/aunties/uncles/good friends?

What about if you suggested she turned it into a beach party? Make it during the day and they have heaps to do at the beach, sunbaking, swimming, take some balls down to the beach etc. For food you could have a couple of eskies of soft drink and make sure the beach you pick has a BBQ area so you can cook up some sausages, make your own patties and buy a huge stack of bread rolls. If the beach is a fair way away from you all the better, it will minimise the number of kids who will come, it might also seem cooler to them?

[Bathsheba]

Appletree: sadly we have no where to send the boys. We aren't beachy types either LOL

My problem is that I've worked with kids and have had health and safety drilled into me so deep I'm paranoid especially when it comes to other people's kids. The idea of adding water into the mix worries me. The last pool party my DD attended she was pushed in while she was fully dressed.... mobile phone and all They just don't think.

The thing with teens is that you think they are just drinking a can of soft drink... but they've probably got half a bottle of Jim Beam mixed into it! I've had to call the ambo for a 14yo boy who came over here with a group of friends (they change in groups, it's an interesting phenomenon) because he climbed a bloody tree and fell out... his forearm looked like a step the way it had broken _|-

I'm leaning toward telling her that she can have a similar "do" to the Australia Day event: 20 kids. From midday to 6pm. BBQ, sausage sizzle, salad. And a strict door list.

[Visitor7]

I'm leaning toward telling her that she can have a similar "do" to the Australia Day event: 20 kids. From midday to 6pm. BBQ, sausage sizzle, salad. And a strict door list.

Now that is a very smart move I think. Sausage sizzle for them is a great, and 6 hours is plenty of time.
Back when I was 16, a friend had a party for her 16th and invited 20 friends. In excess of 300 kids turned up and totally trashed the place. Furniture was stolen, cars and a motorbike were stolen (one was found down the road burnt out). And this was way before the days of Facebook to invite people. The kids just heard it from word of mouth. So I think you have to be really careful when inviting kids to a party.

[Pretty Butterfly]

Great idea about limiting numbers, and a sausage sizzle is the easiest and cheapest!!!

If you can, arrange it all outside, even move the dining chairs outside, so except for toilet, no one needs to come in... i HATE poeple going in and out constantly...you will also have a place to take the boys for some quite time if need be!!

If you grab a big bucket thing of ice, fill it with soft drink cans etc, and arrange all the chairs around it and the food, they really shouldnt wander around too much either... even some old rugs and blankets in picnic fashion will encourage them to "congregate" in an area, rather than just random wandering.. if it can be made fun and casual, but easier for you, all the better my dear!!!