Breast feeding or Bottle feeding, i have a hard decision to make, and im scared..
I have been trying to find a way to get write this all down for weeks with out sounding like a jumbled mess, or with out starting a debate, or i dont know...
My husband has told me that i need to make a decision, bottle feed or breast feed, i know most will say breast feed, but its not that easy decision, i want to breast feed, he wants me to bottle feed.
To understand why i have a decision to make, i need to give you a quick run down of my feeding history with my other children.
With my first child we had both agreed on breast feeding, the night she was born they put her to the breast, and for my stay in hospital i was breast feeding, the midwifes the entire time, kept telling me breast is best, dont give up, when i got home i continued to breast feed, but something wasnt going right, i would have her on one breast for an hour, and when i took her off she screamed, so i moved her to the next breast for an hour, she would scream and scream and scream, we never got any sleep and the only time she would be asleep is after she screamed her self to sleep after being on the breast for hours.
She was loosing weight fast, and i was feeling emotional, my husband and i were fighting, and i would just cry all day, after 2 weeks, i had a home care nurse come and visit, i explained everything, she then squeezed my nipples and said, i dont have any milk, and i probably never did, she told my husband to quickly go to the shops and get formula, my husband took off as fast as he could, and once returned, the midwife fed her, and she stopped crying, she slept through the night, she woke up happy.
From there, i went into a depression, however i didnt know i was depressed, i felt like a failure as a mother, i could give birth but i could not feed my child, i became distant from her, i knew i loved her, but felt like i didnt deserve it, its hard to describe, i would hold her but not feel anything for her, i always felt like i had let her down, i made mistakes making the formula, forgetting how much i put in and would get frustrared and upset saying, breast is best, she was 3 months old when my husband said, something isnt right!
We saw a dr, and i was diagnosed with post natal depression, first thing he wanted to try was sleeping pills, as i practiacally hadnt had any for 3 mths, it was on september 11 2001 that i held her in my arms and cried, not because i was feeling depressed, but we were watching the terriost attack, and something clicked, i knew i loved her and i started to feel like i loved her too.
I started seeing a social worker, and months later, had "recovered".
The choice to bottle feed babies number 2-4 was an easy one to make, my husband had agreed to make all the formula, he didnt want us to go through what we had already been through, it was hard on us all, even my mother had no idea till after i was in recovery, i had pre natal depression with number 4, and my husband had concerns that it may become worse after she was born, so we stuck to bottle feeding.
When i was pregnant with number 5, i told my husband i wanted to try again, i wanted to tray and breast feed, but he talked me out of it, saying he didnt want me to get upset and depressed, what if i had no milk etc..
When my son was 2 weeks old, i went to visit my nephew, who had just been born and my sister was breast feeding, i said to the midwife there, my boobs hurt badly, she touched one, and then i had milk come out, i was stunned, but my husband said as our son had already been on formula for two weeks things were to stay that way.
So we come to now, i want to try, if this is my last baby, i want to give it a try, i want to say i at least tried, if i had a small amount of milk then, that can mean that i might get enough to feed my baby now.
The urge to breast feed became even stronger when i joined BB, and i feel like i owe it to myself to try, even for a little while, my goal is 6 weeks, and if i can get there then 3 months, and hopefully 6 months.
At my midwife appointment yesterday she asked how i was going to feed baby, and we had the discussion, it was after then that hubby said i need to make a decison, he wants to buy new bottles but needs me to tell him what i want to do.
So as i take a deap breath, and type this, i cant make that decision, im to scared too, what if i do fail again, what if ive made the wrong choice?
I understand the choice is mine, and you cant tell me what to do, but i need support, i dont have my husbands support, and i dont know what choice to make.
I have been needing to get this out for a while and if u have read it all i hope u understand my feelings, and maybe can give me some support or advice , i dont know..
Firstly you must be a wonderful mummy to want to do the very best for your children wether than be breast or bottle. I'm sorry that you seem to not have the support of those close to you with making your decision any easier
Have you thought about joining an ABA group? I know of women that join while pg because the had difficulties bfing previous babies and wanted to with the current pg.
I found bfing hard to establish but so am maintaining it ok. Bfing is not easy and you must be a very busy mum with all your other children.
I would recommend getting an electric pump to help boost your supply in-between feeds.
I also have a mum in mothers group who used to feed her baby for over an hr on each breast and he was not putting on any weight. Turns out she was making him so tired for keeping him on the breast to long and that was his problem. She changed to 10/15 min and now he is doing really well.
It might be worth talking to a lc once bubs is here
Did you say your sister is bfing? Could you talk to her about how you are feeling and get support?
oh honey...you have BB, you have all of us here to cheer you on. Whatever choice you make.
It really sounds to me that you WANT to Bf, whats the harm in trying? like you've said, 6 weeks...then who knows. If your DH isnt going to be supportive dont ever forget you have us here, have you attended a BFing class? maybe get in contact with the ABA or a local group, so you have some "real life" support as well.
Good luck with whatever decision you make. I think you know your self well enough to know which way your mental health is going, you can always change things later on. xx
You 'failed' ONCE, that you know of, babe. If you had milk for your DS, then that proves that each pregnancy and post-birth scenario will be unique.
There is every chance it can work, and you will only find out if you give BFing a start and a red hot go, without formula to begin with.
Definitely recommend ABA, and also hiring a Lactation Consultant now. Talk to a IBCLC about what's happened in the past, and make sure your DH is there. LC's are so wonderful, they can take on raging bulls better than Mick Dundee
The other thing you need to look into is counselling that will give you strategies for keeping your anxiety at bay. Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) may well be a really good one to look into, to extinguish your fears - your DH could probably do with this, too.
You will never know if you never try, and starting off with formula doesn't give you that opportunity to find out. I would say no new bottles, no formula UNLESS things start to get challenging. It's never really a case of one minute everything is fine and then it's a matter of minutes to get formula into a baby for survival. If you have to come to the decision and the next day or two get formula and equipment, then so be it - having it 'handy' doesn't give you the chance you need for your body to come good.
There is no real reason to believe that you can't feed your last baby because you didn't get milk for number one - especially when you know your body produced some milk at week 2 with your 5th! That is the most promising part of what you wrote
EFT, or some other kind of counselling (or even the counselling skills of an LC) can get you to identify your fear and remove all the power from that fear
Remember how much it costs to feed formula? What's a hundred bucks or so to get an LC on board to save your mind AND your wallet? xxx
The midwife suggest speaking to the aba and also the hospital social worker, which i will be doing, but also said that i need my husband to support me with my decision, as that will make things harder on me if he doesnt.
My husband likes to feed the baby, he likes that participation he has with the children, and i feel like if i breast feed i will take that away from him, and then i feel selfish, i do want to try, but i have all these emotions going through me, i cant commit to a decision, like i said above, im scared.
My husband wont read any of the brouchers that she gave us, and he goes off about how breast is not best, thats a load of cr@p, we have award winning dancers, and soccer players, all bottle feed, so as u can see, that adds to me questioning what i should do.
Im glad i have BB, as i would be in tears right now, i know i have many weeks left to make my choice, but it is hard, i told him that if it didnt work out we could buy bottles then, but he wants to buy now while theres a sale, its frustrating, i would feel easier if i knew i had his support.
I need to say yes i am going to breast feed 100% confident, and on the outside i can say that, but on the inside, im not sure.
I am an emotional person, i had depression as a teenager, and it runs in my mothers family, but i know i cant let that stop me, i just need to convince my husband that this is something i want to, i need to do this time, just for me, just to see and try.
Darl, you don't need to make a decision now so please stop putting so much pressure on yourself. You can wait and see how it goes.
It sounds like your husband is very, very scared and that's understandable given what happened the first time but perhaps quietly explain to him that trying to push you one way is not helpful and is making you even more anxious.
I disagree with the sentiment that having bottles on hand means that you will use them if the going gets in the slightest bit tough. For an anxious person (and I'm one too) we sometimes need a security blanket especially if we are having difficulty attaching. Yes, it is best NOT to use them if you want to establish breastfeeding but if it means you are not going to stress out, then having them on hand incase of emergency is not the end of the world either. It does not need to be black and white. Nor does giving a few bottles here and there mean the end of your breastfeeding relationship.
I have co-fed both my daughters because I had huge problems breastfeeding so I know what you mean about feelings of failure but let me tell you what a counsellor said to me once which is that HOW you feed is ultimately not that important, it's the bond between you and the baby which is the most important.
So I would give it a try. That's all, a try. Most people hit some hurdles but it's up to you to assess whether those hurdles are seriously impacting on the bond between you and your child or whether they're just a bump. I stressed myself out something shocking first time around and for me at that point, it WAS having a big impact on my enjoyment of being a mum.
Sorry, it's late, but I hope that made some sense.
You're an amazing woman and a wonderful mum. I've found BF really difficult and bub is 5 weeks & I'm only just starting to get more confident with it.
Go with your heart and do what you think is best for you & bub wether that's breast or FF.
Is this your last bub? Would you have regrets if you didn't try BF? If there's no harm to your health to BF then why not give it a go, trust your body, you may find it turns out perfectly but if you think your health will suffer if you try BF then go down the FF road.
No one can tell you what the right choice is for you & your bub just go with your gut.
You're a fantastic mum & don't ever forget that!!!
Good luck Hun xo
Here's something someone I respect a lot taught me.
Put a pen in front of you. Look at it. Now try to pick it up. Another wise person said "Do or do not, there is no 'try'". The first person is a life coach and pschology lecturer and PhD and AIS mentor (and breastfeeder!), the second is Yoda - fictional character, and how many of us didn't get hit hard by his tenet?
Contrary to the lovely fionas, I would say making a decision now WILL make it easier for you to travel the next weeks ahead, knowing which path you'll take and making the appropriate preparations to make it happen Being indecisive until the birth will set up the scenario for being pushed into a corner that isn't breastfeeding-friendly. If you make up you mind now, everyone around you will know where you stand and can either say NOW whether they will support you in your quest or whether they won't. And you can then prepare for that by seeking out better support - your local ABA group.
It's fair to warn you, when your partner does not support breastfeeding, success rates are significantly lowered.
Yes, he took part in that aspect of your babies' lives in the past and that's great. The thing is, it's really quite ok for the mummy to be the only one needed for the feeding part of things. It's what we're designed for (not just feeding, but we're hormonally primed to be the primary caregiver for ages - it's just how nature made us!), and there are plenty of other ways for dads to be involved. Bathing, getting up at night for you, nappy changes, playing are all just as important interactions that needn't diminish your body's normal hormonal transfer (when you allow that transfer to happen you'll find the hormones regulating your emotional state benefit - less incidence of PND).
The 'breast is best' message isn't being pumped out by the ABA anymore. It's not the message they want people to take away. The fact that it is the NORMAL and base method for feeding human babies means that anything else is never going to be as good, and if you're in a position to give that start, then your babies are not at a disadvantage. As with anything, it doesn't mean ALL kids will be suffering bags of sickness! It means that the chances of developing problems are higher. Not only that, you won't even know the full effects of formula feeding until much later, probably when your kids are leaving home or more. The measure of health isn't just the first 16 years of life, and so many people ignore this.
This is not to scare you, just to give you the bigger picture while you're making a decision.
If this is something you want to do then just do it. It is not selfish. In fact, breastfeeding is one of the most selfless things you'll ever do! Don't let a man's ego interfere with the ONE thing you were absolutely designed to do and actually have a right to make a go of. If it doesn't work, then it's just so fabulous to know that DH will be there to help you. That's such a great safety blanket. Not the bottles, but his help to formula feed your baby Tell him it's not the equipment, it's the knowing what to do, and he has that now.
I still recommend an LC who sees you BOTH in your home. They have the highest and best=practice lactation training and education. There are threads here on BB about LC's.
You will enjoy the rest of the pregnancy and preparations better if you get yourself to an ABA breastfeeding class and commit to starting off with breastfeeding. Being up in the air cannot be fun.
And yes, we are going to be here!
I understand what you are going through, I'm going through similar here. My DH likes to feed the babies too - helps him bond with them, and he does help with night feeds and that which takes the pressure off me - especially because I wouldn't be getting any chance during the day to catch up on sleep with the other kids around.
I've failed twice - once with DS and once with DD2. I didn't try at all with DD1.
I'll be trying again this time, and I really want to succeed, but I also know that its not the end of the world if I don't. I'll give it a damn good try and prepare myself from the very start and get help for any potential problems - but if it doesn't work, then thats ok too - as long as I feel that I've given it all I can to succeed.
it sounds like you're being horribly torn in different directions at the moment.
i agree with fionas - you don't HAVE to make the decision right now. even if you do need new bottles, you can get them after the baby is born if you need to. it sounds like it's just putting extra stress on you at the moment that you really don't need.
you still have lots of time to research & speak to the ABA if you want to. being really well-informed might give you the extra confidence you need to give it a go.
i also don't think you have to see it as failing if you stop or give it a try & move to FF. one way or another you will be feeding your baby, that's all that really matters.
Anila - I could write your post myself, even down to the PND.
Some background - I had a breast reduction, and after six weeks of feeding DS1 I gave up and FF him full-time. My milk never "came in" - or so I thought, as I never experienced let-down.
This time around, we saw a LC (lactation consultant) before the birth, I've been seeing psychs and GPs and thought we had it organised. 3 days post-birth DS2 had lost > 10% body mass, or 460g. So we were put on comp-feeding for him. Just small amounts, but seriously, I took that so bad my GP was about to put me into a mother-baby unit. We got a LC who visited us at home and she is amazing. I'm working at increasing my milk supply, and it's a lot of work - I feed for no more than 20mins on each side, then DS2 gets 70mls of formula, then I express for 10mins on each side. I am taking a pile of supplements (galactalogues?) that are supposed to increase milk supply. That's around 26 tablets a day, plus cookies and beer. I can see it working - I now have to burp DS2 after a BF and he's not increasing the FF by much. Because I'm expressing, then DH is giving the EBM to DS2, plus the FF so I can express in the shortest amount of time. Most feeds we have finished within an hour of starting, so we're getting sleep. I have been getting enough EBM so the very early morning feed is EBM and FF only, so I express while DH feeds and we're back in bed within a half hour.
Yes, without your DH's support this is near impossible. Financial costs only - LC / formula / supplements / doc appts .. it adds up. Then there's the emotional support - I find that when I'm upset and thinking he's not getting enough BM from me that he then fights the boob so I spiral down. DH can pull me out of that by pointing out milky mouth etc.
Mayaness suggested a LC to visit you at home - this is the BEST advice I received, as she gave myself AND DH tasks to do, so he didn't feel left out. I just wish you were in Melbourne so I could get my LC to see you!!!
In the meantime, I would suggest the "increasing milk supply" website, and a book "The breastfeeding mother's guide to Increasing Your Supply" - these have really helped me understand the different reasons behind low supply. I would also suggest seeing your psych if possible to draft up strategies for you - no matter what, it is a difficult road to travel. If you choose to go the expressing etc route, there will be plenty of time for your DH to feed the baby and bond that way. With the psych, I found it helped to really discuss the BF issue in depth - and then we planned the birth etc so I had better chance of BFing (eg do the breast crawl - even if my attempts at BFing fail, I have that wonderful memory & video of our very own breast crawl.)
Anila - this decision is a tough one, and it really has to be one you *both* are comfortable with. Maybe discuss with your GP and then discuss *together* with your GP, so your DH has confidence in the information that you're receiving. If you want further information as to what I'm doing etc, then please don't hesitate to PM me.
Anila, like Kazbah I read your post and thought 'I could have written that'. My third baby is now 7.5 weeks old. I had breast reduction surgery years ago and when I had my DD I was given conflicting advice as to whether I should try to BF or would be wasting my time. I knew very little about BF and ultimately my DD was fully FF by three weeks. When my DS was born I was a lot more educated and determined to give BF my best efforts. He lost weight, wouldn't settle and I had to start comp feeding him at about 10 days. I ended up with a big dose of PND and felt that I had 'failed' my DS by not being able to provide him with solely BM. He was fully FF by 3 months.
So here I am with bub number three. This time, I am determined to look back in a few years time and measure my BF success not by whether I was able to feed without FF comps, not even by how long we BF for... I will measure my success by knowing that I did my absolute best for my baby. Miss P lost her 10% in about 8 or 9 days. By 12 days her loss was unacceptable, her urinary output was inadequate and I had no choice but to comp feed with formula. I cried. I did feel like I had failed. I also thought we were on the long slippery slope to 100% FF. But you know what? Here we are, 6 weeks later, and we are STILL BF. It has taken effort and determination not to fall down the slippery slide, but I remind myself how important it is to me to maintain this BF relationship - and my DH reminds me too. So, each feed I BF first and if DD is not satisfied at the end of the feed either DH or I offer a FF comp. Sometimes Miss P takes 10mls, sometimes she takes 50mls. That's OK, I'm happy because we are BF, she's happy because she's not hungry. Overnight, we only BF as Miss P wants that comfort from mumma and refuses the bottle. I love that! We have found a BF relationship which works for US and it really doesn't matter what anyone else's opinion of it is (because everyone has an opinion, even complete strangers, and they're not afraid to express it!). I know that I am doing the best for my baby that I can.
My point is, you don't need to decide one way or another. You can decide now that you ARE going to try to BF but that doesn't exclude FF top-ups IF your bub needs them (and maybe s/he won't). Make the commitment to try BF again, because it sounds like that is what you truly want, and spend the time until the birth educating yourself and gathering a support group around you. Like Kazbah said, there are many ways to increase your milk supply. This time, I'm taking Motilium, eating cookies and expressing regularly. For me, these things have resulted in a much greater supply than last time. Most importantly, you need your DH's support. He needs to understand that this is important to you and that you need his support. When you are doubting your own ability and supply, it is his job to bolster your confidence and remind you why you are persevering - because it is important to you.
Anila, you sound like you are under so much pressure to make decisions regarding BF this bub or not. You sound, to me, like you are already feeling anxious about it. If that is the case, I reckon you are setting yourself up to feel like you have 'failed'. Measure your success not by whether you are able to solely BF your baby, but by knowing you have done the absolute best for your baby that you can.
Last edited by nickle730; January 14th, 2011 at 08:47 AM.
Thank you again so much for our replies.
it just seems so overwhelming.
Kazbah, what you are doing sounds amazing, but also sounds like alot of work, im glad you were able to find your routine and have the support from your husband.
Pz, thanks for that read, im going to post it to my husbands computer for him to read.
Before i went to bed at the early hours of this morning, i said to my husband, i know your worried, but i really want to try and breast feed this baby, his responce, was "i dont want to buy bottles if we dont need, i dont want to buy bottles later cause they are expensive and they are on sale now, i dont want us to go through what we went through last time"
Buy the time i had said we could buy bottles later if need be, or even a 4 pack, as i only want to bf for 6 month, or even ask for bottles at my baby shower, just anything to get him to listen, he had shut down the conversation.
This is going to be a long hard road to get his support, my next hospital app is in 3 weeks andill be requesting that they send me the social worker asap, and i will have my husband there, so he can tell her the reasons why, maybe he needs to get out his own fears about me breast feeding?
I love my husband, he is a great dad, as u can see we love kids, i just wish i had his support.
i understand the desire to be frugal but i also think you have some good suggestions there re-bottles, maybe it'll just take some time for him to come around to the idea? hopefully an appt with the social worker will help him work through those fears as you say.
I'll clarify - I don't mean to make a decision that is final. I don't mean bloody-mindedness in the face of a change of plan. I don't mean, if you choose BFing then don't ever consider formula if things are getting really, really bad between you and DH. I mean, decide you'll breastfeed and do all the preparation for it. You already know what's involved with formula feeding. There are always specials and sales and there's always internet shopping.
I don't even mean make a decision one way or another. There is no sense in ruling out breastfeeding and going hell for leather with the plan for formula at this stage of the game. As others say, you don't have to decide for formula right away. If you want to breastfeed even for a day, you'll need to prepare now. It will give you confidence. You will then feel more that you did what you could to make it work, so that IF it doesn't, you have one less thing to beat yourself up for, and one less thing to blame DH for!
There is a great book called The Breastfeeding Cafe that has many stories from women who formula fed a few babies first, because of unsupportive family, as well as other stories. This book alone can give you some much-needed confidence Your local ABA group may have it, you don't have to be a member to go along and talk to someone.
Your DH is not talking about something, and it has a lot more to do with his fears than it has to do with the price of milk...IYKWIM!
Oh hun, I almost cried when I read your post. I am not pregnant yet, but we want to be in the next few months and the thing I am probably most scared about is breastfeeding again.
I am unlike a lot of mothers who stop breastfeeding as they have difficulties in the beginning. We had a relatively easy time getting my DD to breastfeed and I had tons of milk, however, my DD is a severe reflux baby and still is at 15 months.
She developed pain association with feeding off me, this became very bad around 4 months. I struggled on knowing that breast milk was best for her, meanwhile her screaming and crying ad pulling off every feed and me bawling my eyes out even before the next feed as I knew what was to come. She started to rapidly lose weight and stopped growing in length too. I had developed PND and even though I was being told this by many professionals and friends I could not see it as I could not think straight from lack of sleep and anxiety issues around breastfeeding and trying to get my reflux baby to stop screaming and sleep. I ended up having lactation consultants, midwives, The ABA, Child health workers and paeds try and help the feeding situation. At 6.5 months I gave up as we were unable to get her to feed and was still losing weight and by this stage I had got mastitis 5 times.
I was very traumatised through this experience and have wondered ever since if I will breastfeed my next child as I am so scared.
However, I do believe I will try again and if I see myself falling into PND and if my baby is getting sick again I will seek out help much sooner. If I have to go to FF again then at least I will know that I gave it my best shot.
It is just such an emotional decision and one I believe that only you can make (with lots of support).
Im sorry I dribbled on with my story, just made me so emotional reading yours and your struggles.
I wish you all the best xox
At 6.5 months one day I just snapped and went to the doc to get tablets to dry
Here is a saying the ABA hasn't retracted - breast is for baby, not the other way around, and if it's really not working when all avenues have been exhausted, then that's another kind of normal and you have to deal with that, too.
Thanks, Erin, you reminded me of that saying!
BTW - breastfeeding wasn't easy for me. DS had severe tongue tie for 4 weeks before I knew and was able to snip it. I was destroyed, physically, and just stuck to the positive words of the supports around me to get through it. It took at least another 6 weeks for it to settle down, and months and months for my supply to settle, because I had oversupply and fast let down all at the same time. They're not less or more difficult problems than anyone else, just illustrating that a challenge is a challenge, and it's your support crew that plays such an important part
Breast feeding or Bottle feeding, i have a hard decision to make, and im scared..
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