"Tough Love"

[MummaSue]

That's IT!

I'm going to NEVER talk of DD's sleep to ANYONE ever again - well, except for you guys

Today at my MG (who might I add are all allegedly gentle parents) I was telling them of the difficulties i am having with DD's sleep just now.

All bar one told me to try the tough love approach. Aka Crying it out.

I'm over it. I'm sick of this being the perceived ONLY option. It's BS. And this from fellow attachment parents.

Sorry, just had to get that out.

[dusty]

Hugs hun. You have more love & imagination than they do. I say cherish this time, embrace the difficulties cause you are creating a lifelong bond with a special little girl & you KNOW her needs better than anyone. Share & vent away (from someone who is surrounded by Tizzy Hall followers who think I'm mad for doing it this way) xx

[Arimeh]

I did CIO with my first child. Never again I swore. But then DD1 was having a HORRIBLE time when she was around 15 months, she just wouldn't go to sleep - no matter what we tried, we tried EVERYTHING. I posted numerous threads asking for help, and the only thing that DID work - was letting her cry for 2 minutes, going in, settling her down, staying in there stroking her hair, and then leaving when she was calm. It took a few months before this worked fully and she would go to sleep on her own, but I tell you what, having to stay in there with her for up to 2 hours trying to get her to go to sleep instead of playing around - was so very hard when you had two other kids!!

We haven't had to do it with DD2 - and I'm hoping we don't. But at the moment, DH sits in with DD2 trying to get her to sleep, and I sit in with DS and DD1 until they go to sleep, and sometimes it still takes an hour. Its hard. Its draining - and I hope you never have to experience it cos the tough love approach really does suck balls.

[sloane]

if you're happy to keep going the way you are, then there is no reason to change. and you are allowed to be frustrated & vent in the meantime. friends are there to listen & absorb your frustration. it's nice that they want to offer different suggestions but shouldn't suggest that it's the only way to do things.

[Mak]

Trust yourself - you have to be happy with the choices you make. My DD1s 'sleep allergy' has pushed DH & I too our limits. We tried all sorts & nothing worked but I am convinced the CIO attempts made things worse. I felt a failure but have eventually found ways to maximise our sleep and she has just started sleeping thru sometimes at 4.5! I am convinced some kids are just like this. X

[*TripleJ*]

i will say i did it with Jamie he was just a pain and it was getting OTT but i will say that it doesnt work for everyone but i guess u technically could call it whinging it out coz he didnt really cry he was really just being a pain

YOU do what YOU think is right dont listen to them

[CinderToriella]

I have also stopped talking about sleep to anyone and if they talk about it with me or ask about DD sleep , always ''hhmmmmm'' I just don't want to hear it any more, i do not want to let my baby cry that it up to me , why do they need to try and push it at me that their way is right

Ypu do what works for you guys hun, thats all you can do, try and just block all the other talk out i know its hard xx

[MummaSue]

I guess when people ask, I just tell them. I need to stop being so forward with information when I know that I'm not going to like what I hear when people comment.

It's like, when they offer their "solution" then I can't complain about it if I'm not willing to do something about it. You know what I mean?

I think I just need to stay away from people at the moment. LOL

[~Jayne~]

Hey Sweets, my advice is that whichever method works best for getting YOUR baby to sleep is the best approach for YOU & YOUR baby. If your baby prefers to be held, rocked, bounced, pushed in the pram, fed, whatever - so long as you can get that baby to sleep - then that's the most successful way to get them to sleep.

Every baby is different & just like us we all have different likes & dislikes. What works for one baby doesn't always work for the next.

You do what works best with you. Remember that the more stressed you get, the more stressed bub will get, so if letting you Bub stresses you out, then it's stressing Bubs out as well & therefore that's not the best avenue to take.

Sending you much love & hugs - this is such a difficult 'topic' amongst parents!!!

Love Jayne xx

[NaeNae]

I love the gentle parenting people who do the CIO method

Gotta learn to not talk about some things with certain people UNLESS you want to hear all about the right way to do things with a baby coz of course your way is the wrong way and you're making a rod for your back.

At least you have us to chat too. I cannot let DD CIO for any longer than 2 mins even when I am furious with her antics at 3am.

[Jennifer13]

Look slightly horrified when they suggest doing that and say "Oh no, we could never do that with our baby!" And leave it at that. Politely thank them and change the conversation. You've got every right to talk about what you're going through, but I guess there are always people who you wouldn't share some things with and you can only learn that after you try!

FWIW, you only need to know that you and DH believe in what you're doing. This is a very short period of her life, it will pass soon. You're doing a fabulous job being tuned in to her needs and not ignoring them.

[Honeybee]

It's like, when they offer their "solution" then I can't complain about it if I'm not willing to do something about it. You know what I mean?

That's exactly how I feel! But 'their' solution is always one size fits all - you put the baby in another room, in a cot and you do controlled crying. When they are a toddler you force them to stay in their own room, and if they keep getting up you start using threats or you shut them in the room. I know that this approach is too harsh for my DS, I've told everyone that it's not something I'm prepared to do, yet people still recommend it. I guess they've found it works for them. Unfortunately sometimes I feel like a rubbish mother because I'm still struggling with sleep issues, when other people I know who do 'tough love' seem to have it under control.

My suggestion would be to stick with BB for sleep advice, and just ignore what everyone else says - you're perfectly entitled to do it your way with your baby!

[HotI]

I hear ya! Most of the time i can just nod and smile or brush it off. When i'm going through a rough bit, and trying to work out what i can try next, it gets a bit harder. It's those times that i wish someone would say 'you are doing a great job'. it's the naysayers (usually people who do lots of things i wouldn't do and whose opinions i don't really care for) that seem to want to speak up then.

[MummaSue]

Unfortunately sometimes I feel like a rubbish mother because I'm still struggling with sleep issues, when other people I know who do 'tough love' seem to have it under control.

This is how I'm feeling just now.

My MG are lovely, I'm not dissing them at all but they have started a one night a month thing where we all meet up without the babies. I've been unable to go and remain unable to go because of DDs sleep. So I'm to try the tough love so that I can get a night out? I don't think so.

[Persephone1]

Oh hun, I hear ya. Apparently we're not allowed to be frustrated or upset or have a vent unless we're willing to accept all pieces of advice on how to fix it - even if we weren't looking for a solution, just venting. One of my MG heard me complain about DS's constant night-feeding and offered me a sachet of formula Why can't I just whinge for a minute without getting thrown stupid advice and "solutions"?

Also...my rule of thumb is that any advice that begins with "He HAS to LEARN..." is crap advice and should be disregarded as soon as possible.

You ARE doing a great job. keep reminding yourself of that and go gently - with yourself as well as with your DD

[dusty]

I was thinking about this last night as I've been experiencing something similar and Honeybee's words really resonate. Tough love is working for my friends in establishing routines, and a good quality of life for them as a couple and individually. I've even found myself questioning my parenting when face with their evidence but I always come back to I prefer to respond to my child's needs and with my child when she cries there is always a reason and I just need to work our what it is. The last couple of nights she has been waking every couple of hours doing my head in but she was really thirsty in the heat and once fed went back off to sleep happy and satisfied. Why would I have ignored her cries. I would be so unhappy too if I couldn't get out of bed for a drink and DH ignored my pleas for some water.

So thank you MummaSue for posting this and helping me understand why I am parenting the way I am when surrounded by differing advice. And like you I'm also going to skip on the social occasions if my child needs me (hopefully I will get to some but if not that's life). As Jennifer says this is such a short time (and it too shall pass) and I want to know I parented the way I wanted that met the needs of my child. I had 40 years of self indulgence and having things my way and in the last 6 years all I wanted was to have a child and meet their needs. So for me it really isn't a sacrifice as I'm doing what I was meant to do (if that makes sense?).

[sloane]

Unfortunately sometimes I feel like a rubbish mother because I'm still struggling with sleep issues, when other people I know who do 'tough love' seem to have it under control.

that's exactly how i feel as well. but then in the last month, DS has slept through the night twice & i feel vindicated. it's only twice but i feel so good that we've had that while still sticking with what we think is the best way to parent our DS. he's been fed to sleep 80% of the time, we co-sleep, he's on a matress on the floor & has spent maybe only 20 nights in his cot....and we've still seen improvement. and yes, i've yelled, i've screamed, i've cried but we've still stuck with it!

[MummaSue]

I'm glad I posted this. Thank you everyone.... whilst it can be draining and sometimes frustrating parenting this way, it is the best way for our babies. I just need to look at DD and see how awesome she is and what she's doing.

Another annoying thing happened earlier when I was at my ABA meeting. Lots of the mums from my MG go there too and one of them had a "bad" night last night where her DS was awake every 2 hours. She said "now we know how Sue feels" and they all laughed. Glad to know that I'm keeping everyone amused. FFS.

I'm taking a week out from human contact I think. Just need to spend some time with DD and DH to gather myself.