Your thoughts on TTC: "just relax" "try not to think about it"

[Catherine]

When ttc for the first time, it took 3 years! Admittedly there were soooo many cycles when the perfect time was disrupted (house guests, hubby away for work...so frustrating!) . I got tested and was evaluated as 'borderline' ovulating, basically maybe i was, maybe i wasn't. I was given a referal to an fs. the gp said i would probably have to take clomid. In my head i just gave up. I never made the appointment with the FS - next month = pregnant! Mum tells a similar story. She had my brother...and they tried for 6 years. Finally gave up (no physiological reason to not concieve). So she believed one child was all she was meant to have. A month later - I was concieved...along with my sister!

I am TTC no. 3. I believe no.2 happened easily because I didn't expect it to. Now, I am at entering cycle 4 and am already 'giving up'...do you think reverse psycology might work on my ovaries LOL!

I started temping last month on fert friend. It is an interesting exercise, and I don't expect to catch the egg for next couple of months - hubby away on key dates! So reckoning on a 2012 baby now...

So what are other's thoughts and experience with the psycology of TTC naturally? Can thinking about it (ok Obsessing) really make it not happen? And if so, how do you stop thinking about it? (I am asking about cases where there is no physiological reason not to concieve.)

[blessedatlast]

Well I was TTC for 3yrs. Decided that it was never going to happen naturally so made an app with FS.. As it was public I was on a waiting list.. Got an appointment for about 6months later in October, found out I was pg end of July WITH TWINS!.. Unfortunately I lost them though cos they were premmie.. Anyway, being trying on and off since May 2009, so nearly 2yrs and nothing.. I want it so desperately, which kinda makes it hard to 'relax' and let it happen.. My blood tests have shown simiar to yours it sounds.. I went to an OB/GYN and she said I have bad quality eggs.. I ovulate sometimes, but they aren't 'mature' enough apparently..

I hate it when people say just relax.. It's so easy for people to say.. I know people who have fallen pg 'obsessing' about it so no I don't think it's that. I think it's just luck.. GL with your TTC no 3..

[Lulliloo]

i personally hate when people say just relax.. hate hate hate it.
i also believe it is just luck when people do fall pg while "relaxing" because there are plenty of people who don't fall while they are.
i took 3 months off ttc late 2009 as i was starting a new job... it didn't happen for me then. and im still trying.

[courts&munchkins]

Hmmm well ds1 was not an accident but after a miscarriage 3 months earlier a doctor told me u wouldn't get pregnant without ivf so dh I didn't worry too much about contraception and ds1 was conceived.

Ds2 we were trying for awhile, charting ovulation etc etc and then we were going to go on holiday and I didn't want ms whilst we were away so we decided to quit trying until we got back. Fell pregnant that month, I was so sick on our trip lol.

Dd, after the trouble we had with Ds2 I decided we should start ttc earlier than what we wanted but didn't expect anything to happen. She was conceived very 1st month. Talk about shocked.

I've been lucky, even though a stupid doctor told me otherwise conceiving was easy. But then it always happened when we weren't stressing about it. So honestly I think it plays a huge part.

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[mummy of 3 boys]

i took 4 yrs to conceieve then miscarriaged that very next month i surprisingly was pregnant again

after my first bub i got the implanon in my arm had it for not quite 12 months and then still took me another 12 months to conceieve my second

we have now agreed on a 3rd & arent using anything due to taking so long to concieve both times before so we shall see how long it takes this time

i have heard lots of people say 'stress' can prevent it, i believe in this to a point as we lived with my mum never got pregnant moved in with DFs mum never got pregnant as soon as we moved into our own house BANG that very first week i was pregnant!!!

[zap]

It's so hard to say. We tried for three years until we had our twins through Ivf. I never went back in the pill because I never thought we would have another. Six months later I was pg with ds2. We had one embryo left so we thought what the heck? It didn't work so tried naturally for a couple of months. Nothing. We decided three was enough so went back to the doc for the pill waited for my period to start. Nothing. Now pg with #4!

[Amaunet]

Personally, I think anyone who thinks all it takes is to "relax" or "get drunk" or "go on a holiday" has never had trouble falling pregnant I have quite a few women at work who have told me how the above statements worked for them and keep saying things like "not pregnant yet? You need a holiday" I find this really hurtful and shows a lack of understanding for the heartbreaking nature of ttc for month after month. Whilst I can acknowledge that stress probably doesnt help, telling me not to stress about it (as so many people I know feel entitled to do) isn't helpful either. Just my opinion though.

[nothing2lose]

Personally i find it offensive in the extreme. As I am sure would the thousands of women who have spent thousands and thousands of dollars, had their most intimate details laid bare, pumped their bodies full of hormones, had test after test, procedure after procedure, only to be let down time and again. To say they would be successful if only they relax is repugnant. To me it's like telling a cancer sufferer they could be cured by thinking positively!

[buffy1]

Well, it sure ain't working for me - and it makes me really angry when friends and family suggest it. There's not a scrap of medical evidence that shows 'just relaxing' has any more success of pg than actively TTC. Almost worse than 'just relax' is - 'it'll happen when the time is right.' I heard that little gem twice at a wedding last night, once from a pregnant woman. Gee, thanks. Now can you tell me when that will be, fertility goddess? I would never, EVER say these things to people who are trying as a result of my experience.

However, while I'm a little bitter and twisted right now I do really hope that the reverse psychology works for you Catherine - come on ovaries! Best of luck for #3

[toomanyshoes]

I'm another one who hates "just relax"

We've been trying on and off for 4yrs for number 3, sometimes doing everything possible to help with TTC and other times doing nothing at all and we're still waiting...

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

I agree with Amaunet; high levels of stress could certainly impede a pregnancy, but for sometime outside to say that is insensitive. It's like someone telling me all I hafta do to lose weight is cut out the lollies and Coke - they have no idea I don't eat either of them, they're making huge assumptions about something they clearly don't understand. For myself, I've fallen pregnant when I've given up 4 times now - but they never stick, so obviously 'relaxing' isn't the be all and end all. It can be helpful for a couple to come that place by themselves, but it inevitably fails when they're doing it because someone else is telling them to.

[JennaJayen]

While I was TTC I was one of those who hated being told to "Just Relax" and "try not to think about it", it brought me to tears each time as while we didn't have much trouble falling pregnant in the long term, we just couldn't get them to stay sticky.
Before having my DS I lost 4 bubs before 8 weeks, and went through the rollercoaster of depression, bad relationships etc, then I met the man I've now married, and relaxed and had fun and did everything that I hadn't done previously, was on the pill and low and behold DS was conceived when we had only been dating for 3 & 1/2 months and stayed sticky... so sticky in fact he didn't even want to come out in the end.
When we decided to try for #2, we started early thinking it would take a while did the whole "Trying-Without-Trying" thing for a few months, which didn't work.
Then I gave in over christmas/new year 2009/10 in the lead up to our wedding and we got a BFP, which I sadly lost a few days later on the night of my hen's night.
In late feb I gave up again for a bit again, and got another BFP which didn't stick either, and was gutted.
I kept plodding along for the next few months, but my heart wasn't in it anymore, so I decided in the lead up to mine & hubby's birthdays to just forget about the whole thing and be grateful for the gorgeous little boy I already had...
Low and behold I O'd just before hubby's birthday, drank and smoked at his party, spent the next week and a bit drinking and smoking with friends and enjoying myself and then on the day after my birthday (15dpo) I got my sticky BFP who is now due in 2 weeks. While it didn't take us that long really (11 months of TTC is nothing compared to what a lot of you amazing ladies go through), it still felt like forever, and every loss, every time AF reared her ugly head, I died a little bit inside, as I'm sure many of you do and can understand.
I now think that it works for some people, but not for others, but you will never know until you try.
Me personally, if I have shared the journey in the past with someone who is currently going through TTC, and they know that I have been there and done it and I say "just relax" they know that I don't mean it in a bad way, I mean it as a supportive person who knows what they are going through who is trying to help and can't find the right words to replace those ones that end up sounding so horrid.

[RhiChiChi]

I don't know if it does or not. Part of me thinks, yeah probably doesn't help obsessing about ttc but the other part thinks there is a greater reason above (although those thoughts waiver too!)

We tried for 12 months (on & off) for DD and then booked in to see the OBS/GYNO and fell pg then next month, so 13 months for the first bubs. This was after two m/c. The first m/c I went off the pill and were dtd all the time as we were overseas and just wanted to in different countries ;P Obviously after the m/c we really wanted a baby and were really trying and that resulted in another m/c.

This time we were not trying not preventing (NTNP) since DD turned 1 (June 2008) and ramped up things in October of the same year. Since that time and until now I had three m/c. I took 5 months off work to concentrate on ttc plus getting fit & healthy. We have also had a lap (resulted in a pg) done six months of Clomid, 3 failed rounds of IUI and have been referred to do IVF now and no further luck (DH has no sperm issues and I have not been diagnosed with anything other than 'secondary infertility / annovulatory cycles)

So, in the first circumstance I would have originally said 'yeah, the pressure off probably helped' but looking at this time around and in hindsight- we have had numerous breaks from TTC, I have taken time off work, NTNP etc... and it hasn't helped.

I have heard it all from 'relax', 'take a break', 'it's psychological' etc... and whilst probably meant from a kind and supportive place doesn't help (well not me anyway). Looking for MY queue how I want to deal with it helps. You'll know if I want to talk about it, cry about it, not talk about it if you know ME. And also, unless I ask don't tell me what works for you....

Interestingly, somewhere in the LTTTC threads there is a post about how stress DOES NOT affect the outcome of IVF, so I would think all things being equal that stress would not impact on falling pg naturally or assisted.

[Pamelia Pester]

Yes, it is best to just relax. If you start worrying and having stress it will only have a negative effect.

[Soph28]

i took 4 yrs to conceieve then miscarriaged that very next month i surprisingly was pregnant again

after my first bub i got the implanon in my arm had it for not quite 12 months and then still took me another 12 months to conceieve my second

we have now agreed on a 3rd & arent using anything due to taking so long to concieve both times before so we shall see how long it takes this time

i have heard lots of people say 'stress' can prevent it, i believe in this to a point as we lived with my mum never got pregnant moved in with DFs mum never got pregnant as soon as we moved into our own house BANG that very first week i was pregnant!!!

THe same thing happened to me with moving into our own house!! We weren't TTC but we were under all sorts of stress moving out of our apartment into our house because I only had 2 days off work to get everything unpacked etc and low and behold the night we moved in our DD was concieved. We also split a carton of beer while we were unpacking and I still managed to fall pg. Now after TTC no 2 for over 2 years Im wondering whether we need to move house again! lol.

I think it depends on the kind of stress. Obviously moving house was a 'happy stress' because we were excited about it. I think the stress of TTC can definitely play a factor, it's such a rollercoaster of highs and lows.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I was at the height of baby obsession when I fell pg with DS.

Once I was pg and DS implanted, I realised that I didn't need to have a baby right away. Then I fitted a bathroom (as in no loo for a day as well as lifting stuff) and wondered why my period was weeks late and found out I was pg. So I was relaxed, but only after I was pg.

[starz01]

I admit that I haven't been TTC for as long as a lot of the woman on BB and the very first time I have fallen pg has ended in an early m/c. This was very hard on me emotionally and I have felt rotten because of the obvious amount of woman who have been TTC for years with no success. Following the news of my m/c I have tried talking to a small number of selected people who have gone through loss or have had problems TTC.

I've learnt very quickly that when someone tells you to "relax and let it happen" you feel like that is the last thing you want anyone to say to you. You just shrug them off and tell yourself that they have NO idea of how you are feeling or how very bad you want to have a baby. It got to me yes but no matter how many "just relax" I received from people, the one and only way in which I could actually relax and not thinking about having a baby constantly was to be honest and open with myself and believe that one day it will happen, just not today, or maybe not this week or maybe not even this month but all I can do it try and not allow it to consume my thoughts.

It hurts having to wait and wonder when my time with come and I am so sure that is how every single woman on here feels while she is TTC but think positive and remember that the only time that it will happen is when you are happy, healthy and your mind is set on good things and not stressing with the thoughts of "why can't that pregnant woman be me" or "when is it MY turn!".

All of the women (and men?) on BB are absolutely beautiful and you will become a parent one day. Keep your chin up and remember to be happy! It is hard but it will get you though!

[mellycav]

I have been told "relax, have a big weekend of drinking" from 2 other nurses at work!
That's advice?!?!
Eeek!!