The last few days I have been in a good place, hardly any tears and I think it's because I've been thinking about Rhi so much that I've taken my mind off me.
Last night we were lying in bed and I said to dp. What if this happens again? I don't know if I could cope, it's hard enough living day by day as it is. I'm annoyed I'll never be able to enjoy a pregnancy again, every pregnancy after hayley will be full of anxiousness. I said to him wtf do I do? Do I embrace being pregnant? Or do I try to disconnect myself from the pregnancy just in case this does happen again. I don't even want to tell anyone about the next pregnancy. Just to try and shield them from the pain.
I'm so angry we have been dealt this card. Why? Why me? Why us? Why anyone?? I feel like I'm just existing not fully here. Days are a blur. I'm lost. I'm trying to fit in but I don't fit in anywhere anymore. Sigh.
I don't even know what the point of this post is? Rambling thoughts. I just miss and want my baby girl back
Everything you're going through is normal. Grief for your little one and grief for the loss of innocence. All I can say is that when you get there, you can manage it. There are good days and bad. All normal. All part of grief.
I know for me, counselling has helped, which we started about a month after our son died. I dont want to either disassociate or focus too much on this pregnancy. Neither is healthy. I know it can happen again. Right now, I'm breaking it down into small steps and managing each one. Imagining the bad possibilities just does my head in and sends me into a very dark space. I'm not being Pollyanna about it, I'm just trying to get through one day at a time. We have very good support I can reach out to when I need it.
I hope it was OK for me to write this here. I know you're in a different place. Go with the grief. Let it be. You'll come through, though you'll feel your taking steps forward and back all the time. You'll miss your little girl everyday for the rest of your life. It gets easier, then it gets worse, then it gets easier and so on.
Oh honey. It is so perfectly normal for you to be worried and feeling how you do right now. I wish I had answers for your questions. I wish I knew why so many perfectly wonderful little babies are given wings, especially when they are so wanted, so loved and would be joining amazing parents & families. I wish they could stay.
I hate being a member of a club I don't want to be in. A club where the ultimate sacrifice is given in order to join. I hate that you and so many others have joined this same club. I wish so much it could be different One thing that helped me through my darkest days was knowing I had people to turn to that had an idea of how I was feeling, especially when those around me didn't know. It felt good to come on here and say "Hey, I'm feeling sad today" and someone would understand. I hope you can feel and receive that same support.
I had the same fears after losing Noah and I actually told my DH I didn't want to have anymore children as the thought of a tainted pregnancy scared me like nothing else.
I eventually changed my mind (it took 3 weeks!) and we tried for another baby. 3 months later I was pregnant with DS2. I worried throughout my entire pregnancy but there were more times that I actually enjoyed my pregnancy. I didn't want to bond, nor did I want to tell anyone. I ended up doing both. I figured that any baby that I carried in my body deserved to know from day one that it was very much loved and wanted by me. I tried not to make massive plans though and everything for the nursery was only taken off laybye and put together a few weeks before he arrived.
I only told people who I knew I would need to turn to if something bad did happen again. I told the people who helped me through losing Noah. I didn't tell my in laws until I was past the gestation that Noah was when we lost him. That's just what I needed to do to cope. I needed to tell the people who held me when I cried and not tell those people who basically didn't care when I lost my son.
I've been thinking of you so much lately and hoping you're being supported and feeling the love from everyone. Please know I am always here for you if you ever need me.
Hey babe, . I wish I could make it better for you too. I have never experienced a loss like this, but I genuinely imagine that how you feel is normal. I am so sorry you (and anyone) has to go through this. Sometimes we just need to ramble, to clear our heads and thoughts. You ramble all you want to, there are plenty here to listen to you.
Oh hunni I've read your posts but don't have time to read the responses so sorry if I'm just repeating others here.
Other pregnancies are hard I won't deny it, with DD1 I was a wreck especially when I went into labour at 26 weeks I thought history was repeating itself but all turned out well. When I was pregnant with DD2 I let go a little and was able to enjoy the most part of the pregnancy,
This time around I'm a wreck again, it's a viscous cycle.
I wish you didn't have to feel the way you do, I wish there was a way to bring Hayley back and take away your pain.
It does get easier slowly as the time goes by you learn to live with it now when things remind me of Anthony 80% of the time i smile rather than break down
Huge hugs to you
awww hunny, i wish i could say something miraculous that would be a cure-all answer for everything......but i have nothing i'm going through everything you're going through, i feel lost, i feel incomplete, i want another baby, yet at the same time i'm terrified of having another baby. and you really hit the nail with the whole not enjoying the pregnancy thing, i had such a wonderful pregnancy with Josiah, i was soooo grateful to be pregnant with him, treasured all his kicks and movements, embraced my body....and then for it to end like that was horrible. if i do fall pregnant again, i'm not going to enjoy it like i did with Josiah, every moment is going to be taken up with anxiety.....it just sucks, it more than sucks, but i have no appropriate words....
all i can do is offer you lots and lots of and someone to talk to if you need it.....xxxx
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Feeling kinda lost :/
One thing that helped me through my darkest days was knowing I had people to turn to that had an idea of how I was feeling, especially when those around me didn't know. It felt good to come on here and say "Hey, I'm feeling sad today" and someone would understand. I hope you can feel and receive that same support.
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