Dealing with the toddler 'NO!'

[Fleur]

How do you do it?

We are getting more of this lately... in particular this week she has decided she doesn't like clothes, which is pretty bad timing considering our cold snap ATM, and has resulted in a few morning arguments.

Or when we need to pick up toys etc... and we say 'come on Pie, let's pick these up' and she says No! and flounces off. Bringing her back results in a major tantrum, letting it go isn't really much of a long term solution.

What do you do?

[black_rose]

Dd2 went through a stage like this, we tried ignoring her but like you have said it's not solving the problem. In the end we would get her to sit in time out or go to her room so she couldn't join in the fun, and if she didn't want to get dressed then there was no swimming or going outside to play. She learnt she had to get dressed or clean up her mess. It took a while and if she has a tantrum i leave her until she is calm enough for me to get down and talk to her.

[mel_cur]

I found what works with the getting dressed 'no' is to give an option. 'which top do you want to wear - this pretty butterfly top or the sparkly star top' she then picks one. Then do the same for the pants, socks etc etc. Takes a while but gets it done in the end with out tantrums from either of us

Perhaps with the cleaning up the toys you could make it a race game. I normally say 'Pack it away, quickly quickly' and bend down to help her. Also pointing out items like 'can u pickup the cow for me and put it in the box' and over praise when done.

HTH

[OceanPrincess]

Can you try a game for picking up toys? "Let's see how fast we can pick up the toys!" or "Let's see who can pick up the most toys, Pie or mummy!"

Is she old enough to reason with? I can't see her age sorry... But my DD is 2yrs 4mths and I say to her now "if you don't do X, we can't do Y" so when she has had enough with the toys and wants to do something else, I say " if you don't help mummy pack up these toys, we don't go outside to play with the sandpit."

Or "help mummy put the shoes back in your room and then we can have afternoon tea. Just give mummy a hand and we will be done in no time."

As long as it's something she wants to do, she's generally happy to help me before moving on.

[~Kaz~]

I agree with the giving options option, espeically with clothing. When DS says No to something, I try to view it as him letting me know he needs more control over his life at that minute and remember that he doesn't get a whole lot of say in the grand scheme of things (compared to me!). Or that he's telling me he geniunely doesn't want to do something and I try to remember how many things I do that I don't like in any given day LOL. I try to look ahead and give him warning about when things will change. Giving him a few minutes to get used to the idea and limited options usually works. So if we're trying to get out the door, I tell him two or three things that need to be done first (toys away, shoes on, teeth brushed) and give him the option of which one he does first. Giving a 5-3-1 warning has been helpful - "In five minutes we're going to pack away the toys" then "In three minutes...." etc. This gives him warning and so he can finish up whatever he was playing with. Also, if he looks like he is in the middle of something important, like building with blocks or racing some cars, I will compromise and ask him if he wants to leave X out for later/tomorrow and just pack up the rest of the toys. I think me recognising that his play or activity is important to him goes a long way in gaining cooperation. Play is his work. Sometimes simply waiting and being firm/consistent works too - I let him say no and walk away but I remain at the task (very slowly putting toys away, holding a loaded toothbrush in the bathroom) and give gentle reminders of what needs to happen. A lot of the time he will return of his own accord to help or get his teeth brushed or whatever.

He still says No a lot and we still get tantrums but I try to remember that he is only 2 and perhaps I am expecting too much at too young an age. I try to remember that every situation is a learning opportunity for him and that even if he didn't pack up his toys tonight, he at least watched me do it and he will help out more consistently as he gets older. I may be deluding myself here but it's what I've found helpful with DS anyway. HTH.

[blessedatlast]

Pie is way too cute to say "No" and throw tantys.. I'm not sure I believe you That wasn't helpful was it?? Lol

[[M]umma[M]ia]

I found what works with the getting dressed 'no' is to give an option. 'which top do you want to wear - this pretty butterfly top or the sparkly star top' she then picks one. Then do the same for the pants, socks etc etc. Takes a while but gets it done in the end with out tantrums from either of us

Perhaps with the cleaning up the toys you could make it a race game. I normally say 'Pack it away, quickly quickly' and bend down to help her. Also pointing out items like 'can u pickup the cow for me and put it in the box' and over praise when done.

HTH

We do the same thing pretty much.

I have found not being able to give DD the option to say no has helped. Which means I need to think more about how Im asking her to do something. So for instance if i say to DD "eat your dinner".. pretty much garanteed she is going to say no. But if I say "how about you just have 3 more spoon fulls for mummy?" then she finds its more interesting and eats her 3 mouth fulls. These kids are funny little buggers lol.

[Shanti]

We sing a song when it's time to pack toys away.... have you tried that? OR say "let's pick up these toys, and then we can....." and give her some sort of reward at the end of it, like a jump on the trampoline or something?

Pie's at that age, they are really switched on to what's going on and practising her independence!!

And I only give two options.... I say "ok you can wear this or this, you choose" LOL although atm, touch wood, DD has been pretty good and let's me pick what she's wearing most of the time!

[ubba82]

You could also use some sort of alarm - like an egg timer with a bell. She can help you wind it up or set it then when the bell rings it's time to pack up!

[Winter]

I use a bad mummy technique! I tell DD that any toy / pencil / texta / whatever that I have to pick up will be going into the bin. Generally works as a last resort.

I find with my DD that NO!! also means YES so I have to be sneaky & offer her something again in a different way or wait until she is ready to get dressed etc. I tend to not make a fuss if she wants to be a nudey-rudey even if its cold, I am just ready to get her dressed as soon as she is compliant. And I get bored with fighting about stuff so I wander off and do something else and she tends to become ready to do what I want after a few minutes with no attention.

[onthefly]

How old is Pie?
With DS we would always offer a choice of clothing, snacks, toys, etc. 2 things only when he was younger. Now he insists on choosing his own outfits and putting everything on backtofront (and shoes on wrong feet - or even different shoes on each foot).
Counting down remains helpful now too - 5 minutes till suchandsuch. then 3, 2, 1. gets them ready for the next thing.
We also talk about what we're going to do next, and go through expectations etc. We need to go to the shops so you'll have to change your nappy and put your shoes on. etc et.

He used to be good with cleaning up toys, but not so much now so I've moved on to - if you dn't take care of your toys i'll have to take them off you/won't give you any more. He prefers it if I do it with him. I also use "Have to pack this away before using something else".

[Just Me]

Depending on their mood, I come back with a light hearted 'yes' ... not pushy or I just say 'yeah' in a sing songy voice. They say no again and I say yes ... usually it makes them laugh and then I try a different tactic like giving a choice about it or turning packing up the toys into a race. Sometimes doing the whole 'ye-eah' thing is enough though and they just get on with it.

I think sometimes they are just experimenting with things to see what kind of a reaction they will get. I try not to rise to the occassion and let them push my buttons. I say try because sometimes they drive me nuts

[onthefly]

Oh yeah Just me, that reminded me that sometimes I would just turn around and start chasing him roaring like a tiger or something like that. Just gets him out of the whole No Zone.

[Just Me]

I don't like the power struggle that gets set up with 'no' which is why I turn it into a game. I don't want to fight them and so I find it breaks the ice a bit if I don't rise to the challenge. I also think it doesn't leave them with the idea that something isn't going to happen because they said no. It plants the idea that it is happening just not in a way that is forceful. There are times that I don't have a choice whether they yell no or not - like when it is time to go home from somewhere and they say no. I give them more time if I can, but sometimes we have to go so I do the whole 'ye-eah' thing and then explain to them why we need to leave - 'The shops are closing and it's time to go' or 'DD2 needs to sleep and we need to get home'. It usually works pretty well but it isn't foolproof (nothing in parenting ever is) but it is a good tool for the kit

[Fleur]

Pie is 22 months, will be 2 at the end of next month.

We have tried making a game of putting things away & sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't... Really it's just the 'no' thing in general though, like Just Me said, I don't want to make it into a power struggle. It's very hard to reason with her at the moment though, a lot of things she understands but she is still a toddler!

Getting dressed - I do offer choices but that's not working, she will pick one but when I go to put it on, she yells & kicks. So we go to the other option & get the same thing. It's like making the choice is just a way of delaying (for her) - it's all good until it's time to do it. At the moment we are at the stage where we try to do it nicely but when that fails I just have to struggle & fight to get her dressed, especially on a work morning, and I hate it.

She's pretty stubborn though and I think it's just going to be a part of who she is... we will just have to find a way of dealing with it

BAL - you've been around here enough, I'm suuuure you've seen her chuck a wobbly! Maybe I will wait until you come over to get her dressed next time, she'll probably be a little angel

[Miss E]

I haven't read all the posts, so sorry if I'm repeating stuff...

We've been getting a lot of this lately. I'm finding that giving a couple of warnings first is really working (eg. soon we're going to have to get dressed, have a bath, pack up etc etc). I still get the 'no's' but he's prepared for it. Then I say ok, I'm going to count to 10 and then it will be time to do x, y, z. Quite often I get 'no, no' while we're counting, but by the time we get to ten he's up and off to do whatever it is we're trying to get done. And the other good part of it is he's beginning to get the idea of what counting is about as part of it.

I can't quite remember if it was that easy when we started this approach though, I think I might have had to force it once or twice once we got to 'ten', but I have found that the warnings and preparation makes such as difference and he now knows that when I say 'I'm going to count to 10 and then we're going to do this, that's whats going to happen iykwim'

ANyway, that's what's working for us this week....

ETA: Just wanted to clarify when I say warnings, it's about preparation that this is coming not 'if you don't do this' and the counting is more of a game, ie I don't ask before I start counting it's just part of the prep iykwim?

[Earthmama]

and flounces off.

I love this becasue my DD does exactly the same thing !!! She definitely "flounces" after she said no

I try to expain why I wanteher to do what I want her to do like, " We have to take our pyjamas off because we don't wear our Pyjamas to school do we?" (We call day care "school")

If that fails I do the "options" thing or if I get desperate then the "lose something" thing like " No Shrek today if you don't put your toys away "

I like your suggestions Kaz and I'll try some of those too.

Great question Fleur, hope you get some good options because the big "NO" can be quite a challenge

[Fleur]

Yep, the giving an option has worked a treat with getting dressed. Especially since we have largely moved on from the 'no!' phase and are now in 'I do it!' territory......

Anything that gives her some input or independance is great, atm .