I feel like such a failure...

[Eenee]

At gettin my DD to sleep. Like surely as q mother I should be able to comfort my baby so she can get to sleep right? Well I can't she does not settle in my arms or her cot. Takes me a couple of hours to even get her to sleep in the day and her first sleep for the night. Then she will only generally sleep for half an hour. Average sleep in total for the day is one hour. Then at night she wakes 1-2hourly sometimes more occasionally I will get a 3hour stretch but that is incredibly rare. I feed her to get her back to sleep at night cos it's the only thing that works. We did move her into her cot right next to our bed at night but now due to the frequent waking we are back to co sleeping.

I feel I have failed because mentally I'm struggling and have had to put her down and leave the room while she is crying! Not something I'm very proud of. But I'm at breaking point I have had hardly any sleep and theres only so much mentally I can cope with at the moment. I have PND but hate having a label, had recently gotten on top of it but am slipping back again. I have refused to take meds, and am only using counseling (she is useless though) and seeing the nurse who comes two my house fortnightly.

Ugh don't even know what the point of this was!

[zap]

Oh em big hugs for you! How old is your DD?

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

First of all massive and YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE, your a mum who cares about her baby who's tired and emotionally drained.
Babe we all go through it and while i don't have PND i can only imagine what a screaming baby and restless nights can do to you.
There are LOTS of men & women on here who have babies that don't like sleep, am hoping someone can come on here and give you some wonderful advice.

Does the MCHN have any advice on why she wakes often, is she a happy bub and just doesn't like sleep or is she constantly unsettled etc?

I hope you get some advice hun.. deep breaths, a failure wouldn't be so worried about her bub.

[Eenee]

Thanks I'll come back DD wants me. Zap she is 6mths

[Cassius2]

that is a pretty full on work load by anyone's standard let alone when you are also fighting the constant mind battle of PND-land (oh how i know how exhausting even dealing with that alone is!).

i don't have any real great "tips" for the sleep . we also feed to sleep and when she is uber wakeful bring her to bed with us (but TBH i find that i wake up much less restful IYKWIM).

FWIW DD2 barely sleeps duting the day. we get on average only one 1 hour nap. always been like that. soooo different to DD1 who slept like a log

and it is a real bummer that your counsellor is not up to scratch. it can take a bit searching, which rather cruelly is totally impossible to do when you have PND...oh the irony!! but i can offer the name and number of the one we went to if you feel the need for a change (i had a great journey with her and got through without meds...if that's your way too IYKWIM).

big one of these and praying that the sleep fairy comes for a visit soon!!!

[Miss.B]

Oh massive hugs hun First of all, you are not a failure and if I hear you say that again I will slap you! lol. Hun, I thought of myself like that when my DS was a nightmare around the same age, but at the end of the day I did the best I could and I'm proud of that. He is now 16 months old and still has sleep issues! My only regret is not trying sleep school. It was highly recommended to me but when I rang and they told me it was a really long wait, I got discouraged. I also used to feed to sleep, but managed to break that pattern eventually and I began tiring him out more with play fresh air etc, which seemed to work sometimes. Eventually he got better, and stayed good for a few months and now it's a real PITA of getting him to sleep in his cot at all. So I feel like I have come full circle. Every day is a new day hun, I just pray that one day he will just bloody sleep like a good little boy! I wish you all the best, but please seek help through sleep school or your MCHN or even taking him to a GP for an opinion.

Big hugs and you are doing a sterling job hun, it's just hard to see that through all the sleep deprivation and the foggy mind that comes with it!

[Barb Glare]

Hi,

Your little one sounds really pretty normal for that age. There's no failure in all of that. Babies DO wake frequently at night for at least the first 6-12 mnths. That's why so many mothers actually do co-sleep - because we need the sleep and they sleep better when they are close to their mum. Breastfeeding to sleep is normal and it's what works - that's why we do it. I really just don't get those books that recommend you put a baby to bed awake - even wake them up to put them to bed. Crazy! It really won't be like this forever. They change (thankfully) There is barely a mother alive who hasn't walked out of the room and left their little one crying. Sometimes we have just had enough.
Much of the stress comes from trying to achieve something that is basically working against nature - trying to make babies sleep alone for long periods of time.
Tell me, has she started solids yet? Do you have a family history (either side of the family) of allergies and intolerances (including asthma or eczema?) Is your little one well? Has she ever been sick? Do you have help and support at home?

[Jakabella]

Ill be back soon after I have cooked tea while kids occupied.
But just know that I am here to look after your LO when ever you need and I can even come to you while you have a rest! xox

[Jakabella]

Ok H man asleep (sorry!!) and Bella playing.
As you know H man is not a good sleeper eiher - and its quite a shock to us as Bella was the best sleeper ever!

He is a big boy and the more I try to rock him or hold his to sleep the more he fights, so I am doing something new (and a compete 180 to what used to work for Bella!!) I put him to bed every 1.5 hrs without fail - I dont even watch for tierd signs as for him it means he is already over tiered. So I pop him in his cot with his mobile on and music, wrap him up and give him his dummy and his toy tiger. He will talk for a while and eat his tiger but I just go back in and ut his dummy back in - he NEVER cries it out - ever! But I find that if I put him to bed before he is to sleepy that he is happy and just drifts off and will sleep for maybe 1 hr to 1.5...

Maybe try something new??

[Lily Dust]

Oh em, you are far from a failure you are doing everything so right, at that age many bubs are undergoing so many developmental leaps amongst other things and their little brains are struggling so much. FWIW my DD was exactly the same and I thought I was failing at her sleeping too but it is nothing that you are doing and it WILL pass. At the moment you can see yourself rocking a 30 year old to sleep, right?!? Well, I thought I would be too. dont beat yourself up for walking away its much better than the alternative if you are struggling. I want you to know how strong you are for admitting that it is hard and asking for help, thats something I didnt do till last week and its long overdue.

Is there another person you can speak to her actually can help you work through the things you are feeling?

Honestly, dont be too hard on yourself. These little ones can be beyond hard and you sound like you are doing wonderfully

[Eenee]

Sorry will reply as best I can, but thanks to all your replies. DH just got home so he has taken DD for me.

that is a pretty full on work load by anyone's standard let alone when you are also fighting the constant mind battle of PND-land (oh how i know how exhausting even dealing with that alone is!).

i don't have any real great "tips" for the sleep . we also feed to sleep and when she is uber wakeful bring her to bed with us (but TBH i find that i wake up much less restful IYKWIM).

FWIW DD2 barely sleeps duting the day. we get on average only one 1 hour nap. always been like that. soooo different to DD1 who slept like a log

and it is a real bummer that your counsellor is not up to scratch. it can take a bit searching, which rather cruelly is totally impossible to do when you have PND...oh the irony!! but i can offer the name and number of the one we went to if you feel the need for a change (i had a great journey with her and got through without meds...if that's your way too IYKWIM).

big one of these and praying that the sleep fairy comes for a visit soon!!!

Thanks hun, don't know whether she'd be near where I am though. i'm sure my counselor is ok it's just that I don't gel with her and I find she rushes me so doesn't make a comfortable environment for me. That and I have DD with me so its rather distracting.

Hi,

Your little one sounds really pretty normal for that age. There's no failure in all of that. Babies DO wake frequently at night for at least the first 6-12 mnths. That's why so many mothers actually do co-sleep - because we need the sleep and they sleep better when they are close to their mum. Breastfeeding to sleep is normal and it's what works - that's why we do it. I really just don't get those books that recommend you put a baby to bed awake - even wake them up to put them to bed. Crazy! It really won't be like this forever. They change (thankfully) There is barely a mother alive who hasn't walked out of the room and left their little one crying. Sometimes we have just had enough.
Much of the stress comes from trying to achieve something that is basically working against nature - trying to make babies sleep alone for long periods of time.
Tell me, has she started solids yet? Do you have a family history (either side of the family) of allergies and intolerances (including asthma or eczema?) Is your little one well? Has she ever been sick? Do you have help and support at home?

Hi Barb, yeah i'm fine with the over night waking especially when she just feeds to sleep. I think i'm still recovering from saturday night when she was awake every ten minutes and didn't want boob! so I was at a loss to what to do. She is not an overly cuddly baby so won't let me rock her to sleep and will only feed to sleep at night after her first sleep for the night. Which generally takes me two hours to get her to sleep in the first place. Occasionally she will let me get her to sleep in the sling but not always. She is well but very grizzly at times (maybe due to overtiredness), she's an active bub and wants to be always on the go. I.e crawling and rolling around like a crazy baby. She is well, has only had a cold which she recovered well from. Her first three months of life she pretty much just screamed the entire time, until I stopped eating dairy and I seen a dramatic improvement. There are allergies and intolerances. DH has dairy issues (but he still eates it despite his reactions). I get eczema and asthma. I only have DH as support but he's recently stated his own business so is not home much. I have no other family that live nearby. She is a mummy's girl and really doesn't like been handed off, she is also super senstive to sounds and noises. She wil start crying if you cough or blow your nose or have a certain sounding voice. Also crys when other babies talk to her in there baby talk.

Ill be back soon after I have cooked tea while kids occupied.
But just know that I am here to look after your LO when ever you need and I can even come to you while you have a rest! xox

Thanks for the offer, but doubt she'd let anyone but me look after her. but your welcome to come over as a distraction to things. Thanks for the other suggestions will see if getting her to bed before she is tired works, but yeah I don't kike letting her cry too distressing for the both of us.

Thanks everyone else, i've go to go rescue DH from DD cos all I can here is crying!

[sloane]

gosh em, if sleep is an indicator of failure as a mummy, i am still getting a big fat F & DS is 2!!

you're not a failure & i have to say that i do remember some nightmares around the 6 month mark - i found that we had to change the way we were getting DS to sleep. his day sleeps also changed around then & did improve around the 7 month mark (until the next change of course!).

and feeling like you're struggling some days is perfectly normal (IMO), even without the addition of having to deal with PND. i have stomped around the house, banged doors, jumped up & down, cried & yelled!!

is there any chance of a different counsellor? or some help at home to give you a chance to rest?

in the meantime, sending some your way.

[onthefly]

Em, no way are you a failure I too understand where you're at with the sleep. DS was terrible at fighting sleep and woke all the time. DD's sleep patterns are virtually identical to your little one's (though she occasionaly has a longer day sleep)
I have two suggestions:

First, and most importantly, get help. Call in friends, family, whoever you can to help out at home and give you a break so you can get some rest and time to yourself. Perhaps your partner could take some time out of work to do more at home? Do you get nap time at the weekends at least?

Second, give yourself a break with the sleep. During the day at least, if it's not working (give it 15 minutes max) then just let it go for a while. DS was dreadful, I spent hours of my day trying to get him to sleep. He was so horribly overtired and still he wouldn't sleep. After hours of effort, he'd sleep for 30-40 minutes. So not worth it. Finally, I gave up. And it really helped. He didn't sleep any more, but I got on with my life. You can spend your whole day, at home, by yourself, battling your child to put them to sleep - so on top of being exhausted and frazzled, you're also lonely and isolated. I found that if I waited till DS was absolutely wrecked then I could take him out for a walk and he'd drop off in the stroller (I still had to sit him upright with a biccie so he didn't think I was trying to get him to sleep of course).

ETA - sorry, just saw your post about no family etc. Being a 'screamer' certainly makes it even harder for you. DS was for the first few months too, but then thankfully settled down.

[zap]

Back again not with any real advice just letting you know you are not alone. I had to walk away from my babies many times when they wouldn't settle because I was scared of what I would do if I didn't. Two out of three of my boys are mumma's boys and it makes it sooo tough to have some me time. Maybe look into some allergy testing? Has she started teething? My ds1 was a nightmare teether!

[glenny_c]

Ah honey- no advice but want to say - you ARE NOT a failure!!! Gosh- I don't know how you do it! I am in awe that you can still construct sentences after having broken/no sleep for so long. Katie usually has one feed during the night and after 4 nights in a row when I was up every 2-3 hours I was a wreck!! If you are a failure for feeling overwhelmed after being woken ever 1-2 hours every night for 6 months then what does that make me? I only lasted 4 nights before I broke!!!

We had to figure out though, Katie doesn't like to be cuddled to sleep. She'd rather be left alone in her bed. I don't let her cry and often will stand next to the cot rubbing her back until she falls asleep but I find that she sleeps better and longer if I do that then if she falls asleep on me.

Also- and I had a lot of trouble with this one (and still do)- it's OK to give yourself permission to have time out every now and then. Often on the weekends I will crawl in the bath with a book and DH takes Katie for a long walk or down to the park. That way if she's crying, I don't know about it. If they stay home I always feel I have to "rescue" him. You are allowed to have you time!!!! You need to look after you!!

Wish I was closer to help out honey
xxx

[Barb Glare]

Em, rather than being a failure, mothers like you are doing a better job than most mothers - because the task you have is harder. Your baby has higher needs than many other babies, having a disposition to allergies and asthma/eczema. Yet somehow mothers like you are made to feel inadequate. Like you are not doing a good enough job. What you are doing is responding sensitively to your baby's needs. and it's hard with little family support.
Firstly, you need to explain all this to your partner. Business or no business - you need his support. Are you part of your local ABA group? It's a way of finding support and you will find other mothers that have been there and done that.
You might need to do some detective work. Is there anything apart from milk that triggers your partners symptoms (what symptoms does he have BTW?) What about your asthma and eczema? What triggers that? You may be able to eliminate a few more things from your diet or her diet. I imagine she would be starting solids? Is she getting better or or worse? You might need to assess what she eats in light of possible allergies and intolerances.
You might find that reflux meds from the dr help alleviate the symptoms (but won't help the underlying cause) It is REALLY important that you keep breastfeeding and don't let anyone persuade you otherwise. As hard as it is, breastfeeding protects from infection (which would be the last thing you would need right now) and contains anti-inflammatory properties which alleviate the symptoms of possible allergies or intolerances

[YoYo]

Hugs Em..... I'll be back!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk - I wonder what the kids are up to....Better go!

[HotI]

Em, rather than being a failure, mothers like you are doing a better job than most mothers - because the task you have is harder.

And when you do make advances, they feel so much better because they have been well-earned! Some kids just take longer to work out the whole sleep caper, and some don't need as much sleep as others, or need a bit more help to get there.

For me, accepting that my DD was a minimalist sleeper made a big difference. I was able to stop struggling so much and work with the circumstances that i had.

Have you tried feeding her to sleep on your bed during the day? You might get a rest too, or if your little one sleeps you can sneak out and have a cuppa.

Nothing wrong with co-sleeeping if it gets you more sleep.