I'm after experiences and advice from people who have been in my situation (LTTTCers).
I have two sons conceived via ovulation induction and IUI. My youngest DS is 4 months old. Prior to his conception I had my ovarian reserves tested (AMH). My AMH was low, at 5.9. I weaned DS1 at 17 months, AF returned quickly and I fell pg my first treatment cycle, resulting in my beautiful DS2. At my 6 week postnatal checkup I asked my Ob (also my FS) to check my AMH again, as I was considering a third baby. This came back very low at 1.9. FS recommended that if I do want another child to wean DS2 at 6 months and start fertility treatment asap. He said my chances in a year's time would be low, and in two years non existent. I'm 36.
I found all this very upsetting at the time, but then put it aside to a degree to enjoy DS2. But now he's 4 months old and it's creeping back again. I am completely torn between knowing if I do want another baby I have to act very soon, but very much wanting to continue to BF DS2. I feel that if I wean DS2 that I'm stealing some of his babyhood from him, and giving up that intimate connection for another, still hypothetical child. The thought of stopping BF my little baby breaks my heart, and the closer it gets to crunch time the less I can imagine doing it. It was hard enough to wean DS1 at 17 months, and he was only feeding twice a day. He was walking and talking and eating solids, but DS2 is still so little.
The other problem is that DH is not particularly keen, mainly for financial reasons, so if I really do want to go for it, I need to convince him too. I think if I push hard enough that he will agree, but is it fair for me to do that? I'm not sure if it's fair to put my whole family through the stress of fertility treatment, especially if it drags on for a long time with no success.
I worry that even if I do manage to get pg, that DS will still be so little when the new one is born, is that fair on him? I hope that in retrospect DS2 would rather have another sibling than have been breastfed for another year or so.
I wouldn't even be thinking about another baby if I had a few years fertility left. But I really feel that in two or three years when DS2 is older and finished breastfeeding that I will desperately wish I'd tried for another, but by then it will be too late.
So, has anyone weaned at 6 months purely for fertility reasons? Was it hard on your baby? Do you regret doing it? If you did get pg soon after, has the small age gap been a problem for your children (and your sanity)? Any ideas how I can make this decision? I guess I'm just looking for other people's experiences, because I really can't figure out what is the right thing to do.
I really hope you don't feel angry that I am replying because I have no experience in this myself. I thought I might be some comfort to you by sharing some of my experience from my years as a daycare teacher.
Over the many years I've been working with new mums (I have had babies as young as 8 weeks in my care), there have been quite a few times when the mums have had to wean before they felt they were ready due to sudden changes in work hours, work requirements or workplace. In my observation, although the mums found it understandably very upsetting and disappointing; the babies all went on to thrive as well as they would have with continued breastfeeding. I couldn't ascertain any difference in the bonding between the mum and bub nor could I see any difference in the bub's health or happiness. (In one case the baby even started sleeping better and seemed much less grizzley.)
Most of them found ways to continue that loving skin to skin connection. A few started to give bottle feeds with their shirts off, holding the baby like they were going to breast feed, so the baby was still leant towards them cradled in their arms. Although they said it is not the same, the baby is tilted a bit more towards the bottle, they felt that it helped them still feel connected. A couple of the mums started to (carefully) have baths with their babies, holding them close on to their chest as they lay in the warm water with the babies lower half submerged (this may take a big older style bath or be just for summer, and not all babies would like this!).
I'm sorry I can't help with scientific facts or with first hand experience, I hope that you come up with a way to feel okay about the decisions you are going to make, you sound like a very loving mum and your children will feel that love if they are drinking from you or from a bottle. Apologies if I am speaking out of turn, I know that you really wanted other mums' advice here.
Thank you so much for your reply, Rae, I really appreciate it. Your experience is definitely valuable, thanks for sharing it. It's heartening to hear of other women weaning early and still maintaining that connection, I guess that's what I'm worried DS and I will lose. DS is a cuddly baby, and he likes having baths with me, which I started doing recently. I do feel that he's not so much of a boob addict as DS1 was, so maybe it would be OK. Thanks again for a very helpful reply.
Honeybee - would you like this moved to Parenting after LTTTC. Seeing as you are after experiences from those how are already Parents.
I can't help you myself, although i did BF DS1 and began to wean him from 12 months just so i could do IVF again. I did fall pg on my first cycle of IVF after DS1 and there is now a 21 month gap. Very different i'm sure.
My absolute pleasure Honeybee. I fully support breastfeeding and I acknowledge that it is the best option for babies, particularly before they are on solids; but I also think that sometimes there is a tendency to equate breastfeeding with so much more than just nutrition, and mums can feel pressured by all sorts of people and places. Infant formula is not breast milk, but these days it is a pretty good substitute. It also frees up the mum to eat a more varied diet herself, like chilli, onions and garlic. In my experience it can also help with reflux and settling in some babies.
The advice I'd give you if you decide to go down this road is, to try a few different brands if your baby doesn't like the first one, to try lots of different bottle teats and flows to see which works best for him, to start him on a bottle as soon as possible if you haven't been expressing for bottle feeds yet (after 4 months they can get a bit hesitant with the bottle but they have all come round with time and loving patience in my experience), and to be mindful of allergies or intolerances (you can get goat milk formula now for example) and to offer water as well as formula because bottle feeding can sometimes cause a bit of constipation at first.
Thanks Lenny, that would be good. I should have put it there in the first place
ETA
Thanks Rae. I'm not unfamiliar with FF, as I had to supplement DS1 from three months due to supply issues. DS2 has had expressed ebm, albeit reluctantly, and I've found a teat he'll accept. Maybe I'll try to give a bottle occasionally so he continues to accept it. Thanks again.
Last edited by Honeybee; August 23rd, 2011 at 05:45 PM.
Thanks Lenny. Unfortunately my cycles are very effectively suppressed by BF - AF didn't return until after I weaned DS1 at 17 months, and I was only feeding him off to sleep at that stage. My hormones aren't that great I think, which I why I need a bit of help to conceive.
I've been having a think about this
It seems to me that weaning isn't really your biggest hurdle here. Are you certain you want another so soon and can you convince your DH? If you're deadset for it and believe that starting immediately will give you your best chance, then teh weaning becomes a bit of a no-brainer. (if that makes sense?)
After DS I agonised for a bit about when to start again, remembering how long it took first time (though only 2 IVF cycles). In the end one thing made my mind up - I could not cope with babies close together in age.
I can't speak from a LTTTC perspective but I can on having a small age gap. Although it was not with a third child but a second. I will not lie, it was hard at the start (there was only 16 months between them) but as they started getting older (as the younger one got more mobile) it got much easier. Now they have their moments, but are really great buddies. Good luck with your decision. xo
I weaned my DD at six months so that I could start fertility treatment to have our second child. I was resentful at the time that I had to do it, but if I hadn't, I wouldn't have been able to start IVF, although it took six cycles and eight months to finally fall pregnant. My resulting DS is now six months old, and I'm back to the same decision, albeit that I don't know my ovarian reserve, but my IVF cycles don't indicate an egg problem and I would like to have a third and move on to the next stage without having to think constantly about getting pregnant.
Personally, the biggest hurdle as I see it, is making sure you have DH's support. The baby will be fine without BF'ing (it's us Mum's who find it tough!), and as you know, there is no guarantee you will fall pregnant on the first cycle, but they also make you wait until you have had a full cycle first, so even then, the shortest gap if you wean is about 17 months. Not ideal, but better than not having children if you really want them.
Madb- you're right, I guess I'm of two minds as to whether I should have another, and my hesitation is a lot to do with the small age gap. It feels ridiculous to be thinking about having another baby when I already have a little baby now.
I'm also torn between thinking another member of our family would be perfect, but knowing that my two boys could have a better standard of living if we don't have another. I would love to be able to take them on overseas holidays, send them to private schools etc, this would be tough enough now, but it becomes so much less likely if we have three.
Dh may not be as opposed as I think, he said we can have a talk about it on the weekend. He wanted to wait till ds2 is six months before we discuss it. I'm hoping talking it over with him might clarify things a bit.
I also shudder at the thought of what I might be letting myself in for going through fertility treatment again, that's a huge put off. Plus the risk of miscarrying again, morning sickness, worrying about the 12 week scan, the 20 week scan, the birth, the first three months! Just thinking about it is exhausting.
I still feel very confused, but I think the drive to procreate is most likely to win out in the end I actually think I'm confused because I kind of know I'm going to push ahead and do it when I think it's not a sensible or rational thing to do, and I worry about having regrets if it doesn't work out (if I can't get pg again, or if we lose a baby).
Weaning at 6 months to TTC?? Advice please!
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I actually think I'm confused because I kind of know I'm going to push ahead and do it when I think it's not a sensible or rational thing to do, and I worry about having regrets if it doesn't work out (if I can't get pg again, or if we lose a baby).
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