Parenting when parents not on the same page

[Doing my best]

This is a vent, and advice also welcome.. And I don't claim to be the better parent in the relationship, but I do have less dramas overall..

DH and I just seem to be on a different page when it comes to parenting.. He is the 'tough' one and reckons he has to be as the kids run rings around me.. Maybe they do, but I think they are just seeing how many boundaries they can push..

DD is 4 and DS is 2. With most things, I ask them to do something 3 times, then I tell them with a consequence 3 times (Normally toys to be picked up or they will be put away where they can't have them or walk beside me or we go back to the car and home).. And then if they still don't respond I start to follow through on the action.. DD normally acts as soon as I give her a consequence, and DS will normally do said task if I start to do follow through on consequence.. at this time I do normally allow him to complete whatever it was I asked, whereas DH doesn't and then there are screaming tantrums (last night was over the plug in the bathtub)..

It has got worse since DH went to his parents for 2 weeks cause his Dad was sick.. I think DS lost his trust in DH cause he left him.. He loves DH, but has become extra clingy to me again though..

So any suggestions on how to get on the same page? Whenever I mention it to DH after I have just calmed a tantrum, it ends in us arguing.. It also doesn't help when DH tells me the kids don't act in the same manner when I am not around.. Makes me feel like I am doing something wrong..

[Livinthedream]

Could you compromise?, ie, maybe only ask them twice and then give consequences twice? I certainly think that 2 warnings for your 4 year old is fair.
6 chances is kind of alot, especially if the kids are just taking the *iss and waiting to see if you do actually follow through.
My DS (3) gets 3 strikes. EG, "Lachy, pls pick up your toys, Lachy please pick up your toys or I will put them on top of the fridge, Lachy, if you dont pick these up now, they are going on the fridge." Then, depending on how fast he is, it either still goes on the fridge or he cleans it all up.
Mostly, he picks it all up just as I grab his fave toy and go to put it up on the fridge LOL.
I think its pretty fair warning for kids of this age otherwise I think they start to doubt the seriousness of it all.
Good Luck

[Phteven]

I wish I could offer some advice but DH and I have the same problem. Sometimes I think we're not on different pages so much as reading different books

I hope someone has some wisdom to share.

Do I get a special mention for the most useless reply ever?

[surprised]

I agree 6 chances seems like a lot. Have you looked at the 1-2-3 Magic principles? That's what I'm using with my 2 yo and it works well, although I haven't done the actual course yet (maybe in 2034 when I have time!)

[RhiChiChi]

I feel your pain. My DH & I are on different pages. He doesn't have much patience and he expects DD to do whatever he has asked straight away, prior to giving her time to process what he is asking her to do or he doesn't have her full attention, so she is engaged in something else then he wonders why she is 'ignoring' him. We often have huge blow ups over this b/c I give DD three chances then a consequence whereas he goes off tap straight away. I guess you need to sit down and come to a compromise - obviously neither of you are comfortable/happy with what the other one does, so finding some sort of middle ground and sticking to it and being a unified front will help. (I think I should take my own advice! lol) It might help to write it on a piece of paper and keep it handy so you remember what you have agreed upon. GL

[wysiwyg]

It also doesn't help when DH tells me the kids don't act in the same manner when I am not around.. Makes me feel like I am doing something wrong..

Just wanted to say this is completely normal - DD if is on her own with DH is very well behaved, less when is the two of us, least with just me. I believe is mainly due to the fact she spends the least time with him, so doesn't act up because she enjoys the time they have together and doesn't waste it on tantrums. Our parenting styles are not that different but she does behave differently depending on who she is with. Is like being a perfect child at childcare etc. I suppose I liken it to, as adults often if you don't see someone as often you make more of an effort to get on and just get on with it, when you are with someone all the time you feel you have time to work through any issues so they rise to the surface.