I used to be so confident and outgoing - I wasn't skinny or the most gorgeous person but I loved my body and with makeup and doing my hair I knew I looked good enough. I would talk to anyone and everyone, I was so bubbly!
Last year I hurt my back and have been basically bed ridden for the last 8 mths so not only has the weight piled on but I don't go out, see people, socialise or think very highly of myself anymore. A lot of friendships have fallen away and I find myself blaming me for not being good enough. DP emotionally cheating on me left me knowing I wasn't enough, pretty enough or skinny enough. (Whole other story but not once has he said any of those things and would never say them... Please no DP bashing.)
I know my weight is to blame a lot and I am doing everything I can to lose it but when you can't exercise, it leaves you at a bit of a loss.
What else can I do?
I'm in counselling but really is doing nothing.
TIA - hope you can make heads and tales out of that as it's much appreciated!
I think it's important to get to the point where your confidence isn't tied into your appearance - no matter what you look like, you're still you, right? It sounds like the last year or so has knocked you around, and you're in a sort of depression, or mourning period for what your life used to be.
How about gently pushing yourself to do things you used to enjoy? Like, rediscovering a hobby for yourself - one that gets you out of the house by yourself, so you can get to know You again. Sometimes we can get so caught up in being wives and mothers and all our other titles, that we forget to be Us. Really, we can't be all those other things properly unless we're Us first y'know?
I know it'll be hard with your back, but there has to be something you can do - crocheting/knitting, book club, scrapbooking. When I was stuck to the house with Agoraphobia, my online network became my saviour. I couldn't see people in person, I couldn't cope with it, but I was still able to interact with people and know what was going on in their lives by using BB and FB. It helped a lot, and forced me to come out as far as I could, rather than just becoming a hermit in a permanent pity party
I have found that trying to get in the habit of taking care of myself helps. So putting on jeans and a top, cargos, denim skirt instead of dagging about in loose and ill fitting trackies all day. I also try to do my hair and a touch of make up, nothing flash but gloss at the least. I fell into a rut of not investing anything in nurturing myself and I like to look nice, it makes me feel better rather than being a reflection of my value. I also allow myself a small budget for updating my wardrobe - simple scarf, mascara etc to try to swap things around.
For me exercise is important to my mental health - tricky with a back injury but is there anything you have been recommended that you are not doing? Swimming? Walking?
Also crap food makes me feel worse than healthy stuff, so lots of soups and salads here at the moment. I also try to menu plan my snacks etc so not to be tempted by junk choices.
Most importantly I try to focus on the good stuff that has happened at the end of the day. So a reflection of 5 positive points regarding the kids, me etc. No allowing you to concentrate on the areas you could have done better on - I really think this helps change your mind set but it does take some time.
You are worth it and deserve to feel better about where you are at. I think most people struggle at times too. GL xxxx
i've followed your story re-your back on fb & can't believe what a rotten time you've had
i think sometimes you need to make a conscious decision to be kind to yourself & to actively look for the good in yourself. we are our harshest critics & it's easier almost to listen to the negative voices rather than open ourselves up to the positive. maybe a bit of faking it until you make it.
fwiw, i can always sense the bubbly personality on some of your fb posts - esp when it somes to things to do with make up etc. it's still there hun, just let yourself believe in you again
I know it's not what you want to hear but it is the answer. I'm going through a similar rutt at the moment but DH is on my case. It's the little things for me. Shaving my legs, wearing nail polish, keeping the regrowth at bay. I think there is a reason lipstick sales always get higher during a depression. Because a little bit of pampering does lift the spirit.
Theres a quote by Audrey Hepburn I think, about how when you are having a bad day. Put on some lipstick, have a drink and face the world. Fake it till you make it. And exercise is so important! I'm not talking running a marathon but just forcing yourself to walk to the end of your street the first day. Then to the next street the next day, then around the block and so forth.
I know PZ says that online stuff is great and it is for support. But I think the fact we hide in our cars and in our homes is the greatest reason we get stuck like this.
Hobbies are great too but don't overdo it. Reclaim yourself first. And don't push yourself so far out of your comfort zone that you resent it.
And I just want to clarify. I don't think being aesthetically pleasing is the answer to everything. But if feeling pretty to yourself makes you happy then I don't see a problem. And everyone's pretty is different. One person's pretty might be the afterglow of a workout, another person's pretty might be right after a hair cut and so forth. Everyone has things that make them feel good about themselves. I feel good when I'm slighty groomed but not everyone feels the same way. Everyone is different and there is no wrong. As long as you are aspiring to pleasing yourself and not everyone else you are doing the right thing.
I agree with faking it til you make it. You are a beautiful person, inside and out. Cliche but true. I feel like crud 50% of the time, but I like to think I only project that crud feeling 10% of the time. It's a self-defeating cycle; you feel like crap, do why bother shaving your legs? Then oh, you feel like more crud because you're hairy and who wants that. Eh, I'm already feral, why do my hair? Ugh, now you feel worse because every time you catch a glimpse of yourself, you look hideous. Eat some comfort food, that'll make you feel better. But huh, that chick on TV is so skinny and pretty, what a stupid *****, that's so unrealistic and uncontainable for real people. Bet DP would like her....
And the ****ty self-defeating cycle goes on. Happens to me all the time. So I head it off before it can begin. I do my hair when I get the chance, and my makeup. Then I feel good about myself. Even better if I can get dressed as well. Make it a priority, not a luxury. DH knows that when i need a new mascara or concealer, it is part of the essentials on the shopping list, not the treats. It helps my mental health if I feel I look good, so for me it's always a priority. We don't spend a fortune, but self maintenance is a huge part of my outlook. Not even for others, it is genuinely for myself and how I feel.
I struggled a lot with esteem issues in the past and while it's relatively easy to say don't invest your value into your looks it's not so easy to do. I realised one day that my feelings of attractiveness were tied to my other achievements - I always felt more physically attractive if I was doing well in school, career, personal life etc. if I did something I was proud of I felt like the most irresistible beautiful woman on earth! Long story short, what I'm trying to say is maybe try working on confidence in your other abilities, talents and achievements and your sense of self esteem in the looks department will follow suit. Maybe, hopefully
Even if I'm having the worst day, where I feel like I look like the goodyear blimp, I will get up, have a shower, moisturise and put on my favourite perfume. Even if I end up back in bed, I feel a bit better because I've done this.
I'm not ignoring any of your replies - they have all meant so much to me that I really want to sit down when it's quiet so I can reply properly. So much that was said has been really helpful and I need to expand on those points further...
For what it's worth I took my own advice today (although it was on the list of things to do today...) and I hopped on the treadmill, shaved and moisturised and I now have schmexy red nails. And I do feel better for it.
Another tip is to go through your wardrobe and make a list of the clothes you shouldn't wear when you feel like this. DH has been on my case about this and even was so bold as to ban some things. He recently said to me "I hate it when you wear xyz. You hate how it makes you look and feeds your own disproportionate view that you have of yourself as well as the view you think others have of you. Which is untrue." and he's right. Like I said not everything relates back to looks, but we often frump ourselves up when we feel down. Another one of my gf's said she can tell when I'm going through a self loathing period because I dress accordingly. It's like we sabotage ourselves by making our insecurities a reality. When they are not.
I put on a lot of weight with every pregnancy and lost all my confidence and self-esteem. After having DD3 I decided I was getting 'me' back. Two weeks after having DD3 I went into weight watchers and signed up, I lost 5.5kgs in the 1st two weeks. I feel so much better about myself, I've been doing my hair and a little make-up. DH said yesterday, that I look like the old me. I feel like the old me, I feel happy. I have a LOT of weight to lose and I am going to do it. It's amazing how much difference a weight loss meeting and a few kilos have made. Would something like that be a option for you?
Ok so I keep sitting down to write my huge reply on the laptop and as soon as I sit down 1 of my 4 little people seem to desperately need something!
Please forgive my lack of personal replies - my iPhone is an amazing device but tapatalk doesn't let me see replies whilst I write my own...
Ok. So! I did some massive soul searching after reading what you all wrote and I can not thank you enough... There are no words or actions that can express my gratitude...
After my soul searching I decided I needed a bit of something for myself - a little makeover I guess....
I decided on eyelash extensions because my eyes are the one thing I can say I absolutely love about myself - so what better way to pick myself up a bit but to exentuate something I already love, something that can't go wrong.. Right? Wrong!
After doing much research, shopping around and looking through mountains of people's work, I chose my extensionist. I knew she was young and fresh out of beauty school but she was incredibly knowledgable, her photos showed high quality work and I figured they might not be exactly perfect but nothing is.
I should have known during the application that this was going to be disastrous! She dropped glue in both my eyes, glued my eyes shut and it hurt when she had to pry them apart...
By now my eyes were incredibly irritated so I didn't realize the extent of disaster until I was home and I realised nothing was calming down!
Every time I closed my eyes, my left eye felt a stabbing, scratching feeling. Upon close inspection, the extensionist had applied some lashes under my own lashes instead of on top! She also applied them lower than my lash line so that they were sitting in towards my eyeball (where you would tightline with eyeliner) and they were essentially stabbing my lower eyelid! I tried cutting off the overhang but they were still stabbing and scratching because they were under my eye lashes...
Unsure what to do, I decided to sleep on it. Every time I looked in the mirror my eyes looked redder and redder and were feeling sorer and sorer. Within 2 hrs of being home, my eyes were red, bloodshot, swollen, irritated and very painful! I messaged the extensionist who had no desire to help me and brushed me off with an "if it's still sore Monday, I'll come check them" - um it's Friday! I can't wait that long! In the end, very early Saturday morning DP was trying to remove them following her instructions that we later found she cut and pasted from wiki... Looks like I had a reaction to the glue from being dripped into my eyes and the badly applied lashes... Took about 4 days to calm down.
A very painful lesson was learnt!!! I lost a number of my lashes but better than I expected. We went out and I bought new mascara to try and help fill some of the gaps and even them up..
By this stage I was more depressed than ever!
I went back over everything everyone wrote and tried to pinpoint things about myself I wasn't happy with and how I could change that...
Then I saw a picture on pinterest of some girls hair and fell in love! I used to have gorgeous long blonde hair till I got sick and had to cut it all off. Since then I have tried several hairdressers and I always walk away hating what they have done. Especially the last one that basically made my hair a mousy blonde and cut really short layers in and a stupid fringe. While I can't change the layers, I can the colour!!!
Take 2!!!
So off I went.
And I left feeling like a new woman!!! My hair was back to being the blonde I like (still needs a bit of tweaking) and this hairdresser fixed it a bit so that it's not so helmet like! I LOVE it! Instead of the usually ponytail I wear, I have actually been doing my hair! And wearing makeup!! And loving it!!!
I even posted a few pics on Facebook being positive about myself!!!!
I went out and bought myself a pair of black pants that I can dress up or down depending on the occasion so I can get out of just wearing leggings!
2 new pairs of flat shoes though I drooled over a pair of purple heels! (I'm thinking of laybying them for when I'm not in so much pain!!)
I have found a gorgeous cream top I want to buy at Kmart because I realized, thanks to one of the replies, that the way I dress is a big depression stoker...
Hence the new pants but my tops are my killer - I wear shapeless sacks that just make me feel like a shapeless sack. So I am now on the hunt for new tops to help my self image and my depression...
I need to lose weight but not being able to exercise is not helping so I'm going to try a natural appetite suppressant and make up some natural snacks for the fridge - cucumber, celery, cherry tomatoes, etc... Any other suggestions greatfully accepted!!!
You have all helped so much! I know my journey will be a long one but the fact I have started makes me feel GOOD!
THANK YOU!!
And sorry for the essay!
Xox
Last edited by Glamoreyez; July 1st, 2012 at 11:45 PM.
Bringing back confidence and esteem...
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