I sometimes really struggle with being 'that' friend. The one who has all the info, has BTDT, who people may or may not listen to but will always ask. I have a lot of friends younger than me who are pregnant right now (18ish). I'm finding it especially hard to be diplomatic band respectful of their future choices, not in passing, non of my beeswax, but when I'm directly asked for advice.
There is one girl, who will not breastfeed. She has said its because she's not comfortable with her body, but she's said to me in private that the real reason is because she doesn't want a clingy baby, doesn't want to be housebound (she truly believes one week PP she'll be at the gym every night losing the baby weight) an because she wants the baby to bod with others. I have not once told her what I thought about that, because she's never asked, it's not my place (aside from saying that exercise that soon isn't recommended, that her body needs to recover). But her EDD is next month, and I've been getting a lot of questions from her, filled with really alarming thoughts from her. She's going to exclusively pump, so I've been helping her get ready for that; have linked her to the ABA, shared my pumping knowledge etc. But other things, like her not wanting her child to be a brat, smacking and CIO and sleeping in their own room from birth all make me very uncomfortable. I feel a tug, between not wanting to impose my own ideals onto her, and my desire to educate my generation and help them see a different way (as well as the fact that CIO with a newborn in another room is just dangerous). My passion is imparting young women with knowledge so they can make good and informed choices, but to them, I feel I'd be 'that' judgmental snobby *****. Seeing as this friend and many others clearly want my advice, do I give them my true advice, or generic, 'what they want to hear' type stuff? I've had mixed responses in the past (from losing friendships to having one friend credit me for BFing her son), so I just don't know. My main fear is not for how I'm seen, but how these girls that don't agree with me might feel, in their last weeks of pregnancy, hearing advice they may not agree with and how that might shake their confidence.
Last edited by PumpkinZulu; July 11th, 2012 at 08:59 AM.
with the CIO in a new born link her up with the studies that show its a risk to SIDS and the affects it can have on the brain. not judgement just all the facts.
I'm fairly forwards about my POV and if asked i give it. i dont pander (althought bull in a china shop = me) to most people they ask tell them. if they know you they'll know how you are raiseing Isla and gotta expect you to tell them what worked for you guys
If I were you, I'd give your true advice because your advice is good and your friend is clearly in need of a good reality check. If you are uncomfortable with her choices, I would think that it won't be a lasting friendship anyway ITMS, due to different values. So if she thinks you are being judgemental and dumps you for it, it would have been inevitable. She's asking advice, give it to her straight.
I'd give her the advice but in a non-threatening non-judgemental way. so, phrase it like 'this is what i did'. 'This is what some people do', 'you might find this will workk better' etc.
I think right now its all well and good for her to have these 'ideas' of how she will parent and everything but when faced with reality it is usually the wake up call they need.
When i was pregnant i swore i wouldnt co sleep, my baby would have her own bed her own room and that was that. Yep well it didnt turn out that way at all! 6 weeks of getting 2-3 hours sleep a night sure changed my mind and it worked out the best for all of us. Now my DD is yes in her own bed in her own room i had just witnessed my SIL have issues with both her girls getting them into beds and i didn't want that.
I think for now continue to listen to her, offer advice here and there try and bite your tongue and when her bub is here she may really need the support if it all doesn't pan out.
What about making a closed facebook group for your friends, where you can answer their questions? Then you can also post articles for them to read without directly telling them yourself.
Also, I think once bub arrives, she may find it difficult to separate herself; a friend of mine had a pretty similar plan, but when her baby arrived, she couldn't let her sleep in another room, couldn't let her out of her sight, she loved her too much! It sounds like your friend doesn't realise the emotional effect of having your own baby, and the only thing that can teach that will be experience.
I have to say I'm one of those friends who would be very blunt. There is no sugar coating what is best for the baby. She sounds like all her wants are quite selfish and immature and being a mother is about putting a little person first regardless. She definitely sounds like she could benefit from a person who isn't her friend (and perhaps a bit older, like her mums age) telling her the reality of it.
I think definitely be upfront with your knowledge. There's a reason she has asked you, she must respect your decisions as a mother and want to reflect some of that herself.
I wish I had a friend like you when I was a young mum (had dd at 20 and felt so lost and had no guidance)
I think when she answers direct questions, answer them truthfully. Apply them to yourself , as in " well, I did so and so because so and so" you can be gentle about it by not saying what's wrong with her ideas, but rather what's good with yours iTMS.
Also, I think many mums have ideas when they are pregnant about how they raise their children, but once that little baby is in your arms it's a whole new game. I said I would never co-sleep when pregnant with my first but I've ended up sleeping with all three if them.
That's just my thoughts, obviously I don't know these girls so it's hard to really judge how to go about it.
Good luck.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk so forgive spelling mistakes
I think offering your experiences (asking "would you like to know what I did" rather than just giving your opinion itms) is a good thing and also encouraging your friend to research her choices. I had some very specific ideas about how I would do things during pregnancy, birth and raising my child and that has all completely changed before I've even given birth. I didn't think I'd worry so much about what I "should or shouldn't" eat while pregnant, I thought I'd be all for every drug possible during labour and would happily elect for a c section, I planned to have baby in their own room, use CIO and other methods that are certainly not considered gentle parenting. After spending a lot of time reading and hearing other people's experiences (not their opinions on what I should do, just what they did) I have definitely changed my mind about a lot of things because I see the benefits of doing things differently. Had I not researched, I wouldn't have realised how beneficial it was for a babies development to be in the same room as Mum and Dad in those first 6-12 months, not to mention the lowered SIDS risk for example.
Researching her decisions may not change anything and she may still stick with her plans, but at least then she is making informed decisions and I think that's really all you can ask from someone.
It can be really difficult being a young mum especially if it comes as a surprise and you haven't had much exposure. You've barely had time to grow into adulthood yourself and then you have to learning parenting at the same time, it can be pretty overwhelming. I think you should be honest, even if they aren't open to the information at the time, they will then have it for when they are, probably once bub is here and reality sets in.
There is hope, I'm a young surprise mum and had no idea about birth or breastfeeding, about co-sleeping, baby wearing, BLS... the idea of most of that freaked me out but I had two spontaneous drug free active births, I've breastfed my oldest to 3 through a pregnancy and onto tandem feeding and it was the information from people around me that got me to this point. I honestly didn't think I'd breastfeed past 6 months, I thought I would be straight to the epidural, I just had NO idea.
You don't have to be pushy about it, just offer what you have done and why, no real need to go into right and wrong or anything. It is your truth, your experience and there shouldn't be anything offensive about that.
Be honest and pass on information and personal experience and reflection. What she does with it is up to her, but it often takes time and space for things to filter through. Standing back a bit, like you're doing, gives her the opportunity to actually digest the information for herself.
I'd find a good book for her, like Pinky McKay.
You could go deep inside and find the place that houses ll your concern for her wellbeing as a new mum and her new little person's wellbeing and start off by saying "See, the thing is, with these things you think will stop your child being a brat, they are the things that really make a kid think of only themselves and how hard done by they are and turn them into mistrusting teenagers", then back it up with a book that says the same thing or back up your words with things you've read about why CIO is harmful to babies, separated sleeping goes against mammalian evolution and the physical act of breastfeeding builds neural pathways stimulated only by that touch experience. You can go through how no matter how much she wants the baby wants to bond with others, the baby will only readily do so when s/he is secure in her/his relationship with the mother, and that requires all the spesh love, nourishment and holding that she can give, for free, and that will also protect HER from PND, stress and the emotional drain of listening to your baby cry unnecessarily.
Young mums and career woman can be the toughest nuts to crack with the 'surrender' message - to get across that surrendering to what a newborn brings to your life is actually ok and instead of putting a dent in your life, will enhance it with the people skills it brings and the sense of human understanding that can dawn on you if you let it. All the stuff you already know, Lily!
She's asking you because she likes something or a few things about how you do motherhood. What you need to balance here is the wording and timing and what you know. On no account, please, short change your friend and tell her only what you think she wants to hear. Leave your door open and shoot it straight (and empathetically, of course!). She has invited YOUR experience and knowledge xxx
i love the fb group idea. and perhaps if you know a few similar age ladies pregnant you could start a coffee group. might save some energy and the girls can bounce stuff off each other.
alot of new moms really look for answers cause the baby doesn't have instructions as we all well know.
perhaps you can mix up your answers with stuff you have learnt, your experiences and your thoughts.
sounds like you are parenting to an idea and lots don't.
i also think many things will change once the babes are born.
hugs you are a great friend and an awesome mum PZ
Sent from my Galaxy with the barefoot princess covering me in kisses, so please forgive the mistakes
Another thing that you may gently want to tell your friend is that once the baby is born she will likely want to spend all her time with it, but I understand that prior to the baby's birth she might not even be able to imagine this. I consider myself a "career woman" and was never very maternal. I planned to work right up until I went into labour and to go back to work within three weeks of DD being born (just take annual leave - no maternity leave). Well, once DD was born, all that went out the window - so chances are that your friend may feel completely differently after the birth.
If she does keep asking questions, talk to her about why she plans to do what she wants to do, in a non-judgmenal way and maybe direct her to some research - someone posted a good article on FB today about breastfeeding helping you to lose weight, so maybe find it and send it to her, etc.
Oh, and the best thing that you can do as a friend is to be there for her after the baby is born. Don't worry so much about what she says now, as chances are she will change her mind.
I exclusively pumped for nearly 2 months while DD was in hospital. It's not fun, it's not easy. It's hard work, and now that I'm BF'ing DS I can honestly say that BF'ing is so much easier and more enjoyable. (although it wasn't so fun the first few days).
And being 6 days PP, there is NO way I'm thinking about going to the gym or losing weight. I can still barely walk around the house without getting too puffed. I just have no energy yet.
I think a young mum's group would be good for her, as well as some antenatal and breastfeeding classes.
The thought of a newborn CIO in their own room makes me cry.
There's some really good advice here. I hope everything works out.
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Sometimes hard being 'that' friend.
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