when encouragement doesnt help

**HotI** · December 6th, 2012, 03:58 AM

My dd has been keen to wear undies and will go toilet or potty. but is not consistent, doesnt always know when she needs to go. when I make an effort to encourage her, ask her if she needs to go or remind her she is wearing nickers_, she seems to rebel and will not go to the toilet. If I ignore it, she will go to the toilet herself.
Because she is not consistent yet, and we live 40 mins drive from most places, I can't just do undies yet. I don't think she is ready, but how do I move on when whenever I talk about it she regresses.?

**Muppity** · December 6th, 2012, 04:07 AM

Could you get some of those undies with a soaker pad in them (I think bright bots make them) or pull-ups (called "special sleeping undies" in our house) to save the car from accidents. And then just bite the bullet, arm yourself with several changes of clothes and go for it?

**Crowe** · December 6th, 2012, 04:49 AM

What about getting one of those little turtle potties to take in the car with you?

**~ Zarava Flutterby ~** · December 6th, 2012, 05:10 AM

I'm about to just bite the bullet with DD2 and pack plenty of clothes. With DD1 I actually put 1 of the potties in the boot. I would pull over, undo her & she would go to the potty in the boot (walk through 4wd).

Am thinking if doing that with DD2, I don't ask her anymore, if she wets herself I explain this is why we use the toilet, change her and move on.

**HotI** · December 6th, 2012, 05:20 AM

The problem is she won't ask to use a potty or the toilet (she just takes herself), and if i ask she then stops using it all together. She will take herself at my Mum's (sometimes) and at home (sometimes), she will take her undies or nappy off if it is wet. She wants to do it herself, but isn't quite there yet. She isn't into the whole praise thing. Nor rewards (neither am i).

i am ok with her doing her thing at home, but just don't now how to move forward, when all the 'tricks' kinda rely on you being able to make suggestions.

**Lenny** · December 6th, 2012, 06:42 AM

That is a tricky one. When DS2 decided no more nappies he was still very young and i used undies with padding - it's meant to be enough to hold one whole wee. They were still undies (moreso than pull-ups) and he could still take them on and off (although not so easy as undies, for sure) so i think the concept of no more nappies was still there.

Is she better with no clothes on altogether? My eldest was. If he had undies on he'd forget. But with no clothes on he'd have far far fewer accidents.

**beansbeans!** · December 6th, 2012, 06:51 AM

I would bite the bullet and give it a try. I would chat to her about it, but not directly about her toileting needs. Something like mummy needs to go the loo before we leave because its a big drive. Then when you get to the shops, say mummy needs to go to the loo, pick the parents room that has the big loo and little loo in it. She may ask to go because she is in a different environment to home. Pack lots of clothes and perhaps a nappy just in case she wants it after an accident.
DD2 was very similar, the more we pushed things and talked to her about it, the more she rebelled. So in the end we just went round like normal, but I vocalised everything we were doing, did what I suggested above. Once she realised it wasnt really about her, but everyone needed to go out every now and again she started to open up to the idea.
Good luck though

**sloane** · December 6th, 2012, 07:42 AM

are you having more days at home over xmas? if so, i'd bite the bullet & just let her be in undies (or nothing if warm). maybe it's a case of no reminding etc - and after a few days she'll 'get' it?

i don't have any experience because we're only just about to TT here - DS hasn't shown much of what i consider readiness but i'm reassured by other posters on bb that if we put him into undies, it's not going to take too long before he works it out. at almost 3.5 i'm hoping he'll get there quickly.

you can also get those mats for carseats for when you're TT - maybe get one (or two) of those for the car? and then if there is an accident you can just explain that next time she might want to go before you leave & just leave it at that.

my DS isn't really motivated by the idea of rewards (and i'm another who isn't really into dangling a carrot either) but i was thinking i might get him a little something & not say anything. then when (if, fingers crossed) things are going well, he can have his surprise - a sort of reward but not something he's going to the toilet just to get itms?

**FabFiona** · December 6th, 2012, 08:42 AM

Hotl you and I are in exactly the same position. The more I encourage, the less he is interested but will occassionally just disappear and then come out of the toilet to say he has done wee or poo.

I would bite the bullet and give it a try. I would chat to her about it, but not directly about her toileting needs. Something like mummy needs to go the loo before we leave because its a big drive. Then when you get to the shops, say mummy needs to go to the loo, pick the parents room that has the big loo and little loo in it. She may ask to go because she is in a different environment to home. Pack lots of clothes and perhaps a nappy just in case she wants it after an accident.
DD2 was very similar, the more we pushed things and talked to her about it, the more she rebelled. So in the end we just went round like normal, but I vocalised everything we were doing, did what I suggested above. Once she realised it wasnt really about her, but everyone needed to go out every now and again she started to open up to the idea.
Good luck though

This advice probably resonates the most with me. I have to talk to him about this, but not about going to the toilet.

I'm finishing work next week and we have a month off so will bite the bullet and see how we go.

**Taurean** · December 6th, 2012, 08:09 PM

I would bite the bullet and give it a try. I would chat to her about it, but not directly about her toileting needs. Something like mummy needs to go the loo before we leave because its a big drive. Then when you get to the shops, say mummy needs to go to the loo, pick the parents room that has the big loo and little loo in it. She may ask to go because she is in a different environment to home. Pack lots of clothes and perhaps a nappy just in case she wants it after an accident.
DD2 was very similar, the more we pushed things and talked to her about it, the more she rebelled. So in the end we just went round like normal, but I vocalised everything we were doing, did what I suggested above. Once she realised it wasnt really about her, but everyone needed to go out every now and again she started to open up to the idea.
Good luck though

This sounds similar to our approach too. I also bought a Piddle Pad for DD's car seat, a little travel potty for the car (the one with the plastic, disposable liners) and I used Pull Ups quite a bit - they were good for long trips. Eventually DD just got it all by herself. Even with Pull Ups on, she wouldn't wee in them. I've gone with the same approach for night times. Told DD she can wake me if she needs to wee and have sent her to bed in either a nappy or Pull Ups. We just had 6 nights running of middle of the night toilet trips and dry nappies/Pull Ups in the morning. It was great and she instigated it all!

Our MCHN told me not to stress about toilet training, just to follow DD's lead as up to the age of 4 it's totally normal and acceptable to still be learning. A close friend who has worked in childcare for 15 years said the same. Once I knew that, things became easier and more relaxed.

**Taurean** · December 6th, 2012, 08:13 PM

Old cloth nappies are great for mopping up public accidents too. And a few plastic bags are handy for putting the wet gear in

**Eenee** · December 6th, 2012, 08:59 PM

With DD I just bit the bullet and dealt with accidents as they arose. My problem was I kept putting her back in a nappy for family day care and confusing the poor kid. She will also wee on purpose when I'm giving DS attention or the new one wee'ing in her car seat when she doesn't want to go in their! She was also recently sick right in the middle of toilet training and was wetting everywhere but I just dealt with the mess rather than put nappies back on her. The only time we put a nappy on her is at night which she times with a poo because she won't poo on potty anymore. After her naps or before I have trouble getting her to go so I say just sit here (on potty and place her on) while mummy gets your bed ready etc and she will wee that way.

**MumtoA** · December 6th, 2012, 09:20 PM

I tried numerous times in the last 6 months to initiate TT and DD just rebelled against it all...4 days ago she decided to start using the toilet or potty all on her own without any training as such...wt!!! Anyway today was the first outing to a friends house and she had 2 accidents while there and. Eventually i put her in a pull up. I just figured that she will eventually learn t remember when we are out to say She need to go - its all still new for them even if they are trained at home for a good few weeks. To save all the accidents I just take a few changes of clothes and knickers and a pull up for once she has gone through the couple of changes and I know that she she is just not going to remember while she is busy haing fun with her friends. Another thought was if you put the potty next to her in the back of the car on outing she may eventually say she needs to go. In the mean time if it was me I would put her in a pull p for the car ride and straight into knickers once I reached destination. Good luck!

**Taurean** · December 7th, 2012, 12:11 AM

Two spare changes of clothes, a Pull Up and a nappy on hand is always a good idea at your DD's stage. The suggestion of Pull Ups for the car then changing her into knickers once you've arrived is great too. We did that several times with DD.

They do just seem to 'get it' eventually so try not to let it worry you too much. I found using nappies and Pull Ups when 'I' needed her to really didn't seem to effect DD at all. Sometimes she'd be lazy but once she had really got the whole toilet training thing, she generally found/finds it yukky to go in a nappy or Pull Up. She's just woken me then actually to go for a wee despite having a nappy on.

**HotI** · December 17th, 2012, 06:45 AM

I wasn't so sure about just biting the bullet, but thought i would give it a go. Started with a short trip in the car to visit ZF, (dd has used potty there before and i knew ZF would be ok if there was an accident), and success! DD wee-ed at ZFs place and was dry in the car. Went to fire station, and same thing so I was starting to feel more confident. Went to another mate s place that involves an hour drive, still dry and wees in their toilet. So, DD is pretty much in nickers all day, and just a nappy at night. She has had couple of accidental wees, but tells me or will go to toilet and change straight away. She is also more receptive when i tell her we are going for a big drive and so she might want to try to do wees before we go. She has to watch herself and makes the funniest faces "I did it!" she yells. We had one time in the back yard when i had to say "do you want to go wees on the grass?" cos i knew she wasn't going to make it back to the house, but her nickers stayed dry.

i am going to make some sort of mat for her car seat just in case, but she is doing really well.