So XDP and I separated about two weeks ago and we're both on a tight budget. Him because he's just taken on a big mortgage and me because I'm not working until I finish my study and do a career change.
So, the long and the short of it is that I don't expect him to buy the girls' clothes especially as he's paying me child support obviously.
Just wondering what's normal - for kids to take clothes to dad's house or for dad to have a stash there?
DD1 is a bit fussy about what she wears. She's a complete tomboy but who won't wear pants. She likes comfy pinafore-type dresses as it's easier to climb trees trees in them. I'm thinking of gradually building up two items of DD1's favourite clothes so she's always got her favourites there and we don't have to worry about them coming back etc. etc. Because she's at school, I think 3 dresses, leggings/tights, a few jumpers and a couple of pairs of PJs should do it because she'd rarely be at her dad's for more than two nights in a row.
DD2 is happy to wear whatever and I've probably got enough to just give XDP some stuff and not worry about it coming back.
In the beginning I'd pack clothes to go to Xdh when he had the kids. Done that around 3 months. He then started getting his own collection.
We both now have our 'own' clothes and his DF makes a huuuuge deal if the kids are not returned to them wearing 'their' clothes. If they happen to wear 'our' clothes, she makes them change and hand them back to me on the spot (or if that's not possible, they are back to me as soon as the kids are in my care again).
I started out packing everything for him (as I had guilt about leaving him and wanted to make it easier) then I explained to him his child deserves better than to live out of a suitcase! I had to bug him for weeks but his mum solved the problem by getting bundles of high quality clothes off eBay shipped to his apartment in her size most seasons. I don't really care where he gets her clothes from as long as she doesn't look like a hobo. He's promised to napisan them all I've given him a full school uniform and sports uniform, ( seeing as he pays for half her uniforms AND I get school kids bonus, he's not the brightest spark to offer that but I'll take it where I can get it) he buys her sneakers for sports day and she wears her quality black school shoes I buy her and he makes sure she's wearing the same outfit Monday when I pick her up, that she was wearing when he got her the previous Thursday. (He has her 4 days a fortnight.)
Oh and I put in our signed parenting plan not to ask for his clothes back in front of her- in fact, at all. It's written in there he is welcome to go in her room and take any clothes that are 'his'! I wouldn't have a clue what's what.. Her wardrobe is pretty large. I op shop quality brand clothes, basics from target and have a decent budget for brand names every now and again and plus I really don't care where her clothes end up- as LONG as she's wearing them. The only thing that ****ed me off recently was her bring home a pair of brand new shoes I'd bought her 6 months before and she'd taken to dads- she'd grown out of them almost unworn.
I have relatives in that situation. It appears the kids have their own clothes at each house. It seems to be an issue if they aren't returned to either house in that 'house's' clothes...
Your child support is calculated for the amount of days you have your children, to provide for their basics. Their cost of living. It's his job to supply EVERYTHING on his visits. I felt like that too for the first few months. Then I realised how much it costs to raise a child alone. No alternating expenses from each others pays any more. You'll change viewpoints many times, over the next few years.. Just like I have. You can only do what feels right, and seems to work for everyone. Just don't get into the trap of not wanting him to cover any costs 'because he pays child support.' I still expect ex to pay for half of girl guides fees, swimming lessons, and alternate school expenses like dance, excursions etc. And he is happy to do it. (Now. After 2 or 3 years of whinging.) he sees how happy it makes his daughter to feel comfortable knowing she can ask mummy OR daddy for money for planetarium or a new dress- either of us will happily accommodate if its needed. If i'm not flush i'll text him and ask him to buy. Last year i earned way more than him (he had a zero CS assessment too) so i covered more school expenses. It was a slog and some mediation to get to this point though. I think the zero child support assessment for last year helped open his pockets a little
Hi Fiona. Seeing as how you are both on tight budgets I think it's a good idea just to pack for now. It might even help the girls in their transition of keeping things the same.
They will eventually leave bits and pieces there as time passes. We bought clothes and bits for DHs kids so they didn't have to bring extra things - particularly if they were coming straight from school. Just things like pjs, swimmers, toiletries. We certainly never asked them to leave "our" clothes behind where they went back to their mum's house.
Just an idea, but could you ask him to go halves with the girls winter wardrobe maybe? I know that this is what my brother and his ex did for the first year. His ex would buy the clothes and give him a receipt and he'd put in half. As time moved on and they both became more established they would each buy things themselves. They also did this for their christmas and birthday presents. They got a present from mum and dad and then a little something from each parent (as an individual). I would love it if DH's ex was as agreeable!
And big kudos to you both for keeping it civil and putting the girls first. You're awesome!
I stopped sending anything other than the absolute bare minimum school uniform my DD was wearing when the ex started keeping clothes I sent DD in for his younger girls of his new relationship.
I think it depends very much on the relationship you have with your ex.
As a child growing up my parents were divorced, and I'd spend every weekend with my Dad. I never kept anything at his house. I took a packed bag of clothes each week and they all came home with me again on the Sunday evening. I remember reading books (I think it may have been the babysitter's club series lol) and one of the girls had separated parents, and had clothes at each house - I found that really weird as it wasn't how we did it. Seems normal now though! lol.
ExDH has his own stash at his house. Although I think it contains some of 'MY' stash as some of my favourites have gone missing lol! DS tends to take toys from here as well. I pack a bag with his pyjamas and some nappies (although exDH buys his own though sometimes we split a pack) and the toy he wants to take with him that time. We are pretty fluid and let DS decide what comes home. It gives him a bit of control over the situation.
DS spends three weekends out of four with his dad.
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Separated Parents: Kids' Clothes
I've given him a full school uniform and sports uniform, ( seeing as he pays for half her uniforms AND I get school kids bonus, he's not the brightest spark to offer that but I'll take it where I can get it) he buys her sneakers for sports day and she wears her quality black school shoes I buy her and he makes sure she's wearing the same outfit Monday when I pick her up, that she was wearing when he got her the previous Thursday. (He has her 4 days a fortnight.)
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