Wedding that isn't a wedding

[Jellyfish]

So DP and I have been talking about getting married for a while but we just aren't sold on the necessity. The only real reason we want to be married is so we can use husband and wife and sound proper grown-up lol we already know we are committed. We would love to have a little family and friends gathering and party to celebrate us and well basically, a wedding but signing papers etc seems kind of unnecessary but then is avoiding that equally unnecessary? Our families are also keen on a wedding, I mean they are kind of fun plus I'm my parents only girl so I think my mum wants to experience the mother of the bride stuff. And we would love the memory and photos and all that. And a honeymoon as DP and I have never been able to be just us, there was always kids involved! We just don't understand the government's business in relationships, the concept of legalizing our relationship feels odd and we aren't specifically religious or not religious. There's also the fact that marriage equality is still an issue holding us back from wanting to buy into the exclusionary ideal... It would just feel hypocritical to get married as defined legally as I don't agree with that but I want to symbolically tie myself to DP. Am I overthinking it all?

The other day we were talking to DD1 about weddings and she even said when we brought up the possibility of us doing it 'but you don't need to get married, you're already family' and that's kind of how I see it too. She was all on board the idea of a party to celebrate though lol.

So any thoughts on a sort of wedding minus the legal side? We would write some dedications to one another, have a dance... that kind of thing. I'm not wearing white though, something bright and happy like yellow. Would we even need to specify, could we just have a 'wedding' but leave that part out? Would people even notice? Or could we call it something else but what? Or should we just skip it all together?

Why did you get married? Or why not?

[Beatrix]

To be honest if your going to go to the trouble of having a vow and dance and party celebration and you want to be called husband and wife then just hire a celebrant and be official. Kinda pointless for all the other stuff then IMO

[~TT40~]

Sounds like you've got it sorted =) if you don't want to sign the papers don't. Maybe just call it a commitment ceremony? Sounds like just a massive party =) which is all our wedding was

[Teeki]

Ooh wedding wedding wedding, how exciting!

But now that I've got that out of my system... I've always wanted to be married and have kids. I wanted us all to have the same name. There was no extra commitment by getting married, we both knew we weren't going anywhere. For me, I wanted us to declare our love in front of family and friends and celebrate each other. I guess I didn't need the legal side, I just figured why not as we'll be doing the ceremony and party anyway.

I like and agree with your reasons for not wanting a formal marriage. And I think if you want to celebrate yourselves, each other and your family, go ahead and have a "wedding" party, exactly as you want, with no legal requirements. Sounds awesome to me

[Phteven]

Marriage was important to my DH so we got married.
We had a ceremony and party but we didn't bother with the legal papers until we went to France. As my spouse DH could stay indefinitely but not as my de-facto so we went down to the registry office and got the paperwork taken care of.

[Astrid]

You do what makes you happy as a couple I think that a wedding or something similar is a great way to get family and friends together, many people will make an effort for a wedding and sometimes it is the only way to get them together.

I wanted to married for mainly practical reasons. I wanted my then DP to officially be my next of the kin, the one recognised by others and institutions as the one to go to in an emergency. Sounds bizarre, but if you knew my (now thankfully ex) SIL, you would live in fear of her having say over what happens if you happen to be in a coma (my brother was listed as next of kin and she would have taken over).

I know these days defactos relationship have greater recognition, but I feel more comforted with a legal document. I have also come to realise that some of DH's family don't fully respect the relationship, so our relationship being recognised legally gives me comfort if something was to happen to DH.

There are also the personal reasons, more from fear than love. I watched my mother go through my father not marrying her. I had lived with others before and had seen how easy it was to just live with someone and not be truly committed.

[TaRhLi.]

I'm a Celebrant and to be honest, if you want to legally get married there are only 3 things in a ceremony which are compulsory to be done legally the rest of a wedding ceremony is just part of tradition but isn't needed.

You would need a Celebrant to do the legal aspects but really it would take 5 minutes to make it official. I am doing a lot of elopements and small ceremonies which don't have a lot of the frills, it is becoming more popular than big event type weddings.

If you want to know more you can PM me if you want to.

[wysiwyg]

We never wanted to get married, didn't see the point etc etc. Then when we moved to Australia felt more at home and weren't so against the idea - I then really wanted his name - didn't like my own knew we wanted kids wanted to all have same name - I said I could just change my name to his - he said that was too weird he would rather get married. I asked him Feb 29th, then changed my mind, but hadn't really told anyone - so we just left it - then once pregnant decided wanted to do it for the name reasons mainly, no engagement and got married very small ceremony here in Aus four weeks after deciding to do it, a few members of extended family were there as happened to be in Melbourne but no immediate family just friends. We had a celebrant, $2 rings and got married in an old tram in a park - was great. I got his name but that is really all that changed. We had been together 9 years already. I still find it odd calling him my husband and the day we met means more to me than the day we got married.

[Jellyfish]

I understand the name thing, it isn't a concern here though since DD1 is from a previous relationship I wouldn't want to change my name and leave her out, I'm comfortable with our motley crew of surnames now lol.

Security isn't an issue for me as if somebody wants to leave, a bit more inconvenience in splitting isn't going to stop them and I wouldn't want that to be the reason they stayed, I want them to want to be here. Financially I am better off than he is technically so no need to protect myself legally in that sense.

I'm also more confident in our commitment because of how things all happened, there is his taking on of DD1 completely including continuing to support me in staying at home with her (and then DD2) and now with homeschooling. I can just tell we will work things out rather than ditch because even when we are angry he will hold my hand and treat me with kindness, he cares through any disagreement. We both know things take effort and we put it in, we go to bed together each night, we share interests, we talk and laugh and we somehow managed to instantly blend a family with success (DD2 came along 9 months after meeting). We have similar world views and ideals, we want the same things for our future. He is my best friend and it feels right.

And if he leaves, then I'd be okay... it would suck, it would hurt but I'm strong and capable and enjoy my own company more than most people do (big introvert). I've had a taste of him leaving and it hurt more than anything but I survived. I can't see him doing it again though, we have grown so much (he freaked from the pregnancy) and we are much more open with each other (counseling helped solidify that too). That might all sound so detached but it is more if he ups and leaves he isn't the person I love so I'd be wanting my idea of him not him to return, lost cause basically or if he has some valid reason to leave and does so respectfully then I love him enough to let him go. But we both share the view that love is a verb, it's an action and a choice to invest in it each day so I feel his commitment constantly.

I think leaving out the legal side feels right to us. Just having a symbolic ceremony to celebrate our relationship with others. I am excited, I love him and am proud he is mine! Our relationship has always been so family that it feels nice to be thinking about a day (and holiday) for us.

[little_O]

Being married has always been important to me.

I like that we are legally bound together as our own entity. In everyone's eyes he in mine and I am his. For me I wouldn't enter a business relationship or build a home without a contract so why would I share my life with someone for less.

I take marriage as "till death do us part" though (unless he played up...) and so nothing can come between our relationship.

I'm old fashioned though

[Jellyfish]

To be honest if your going to go to the trouble of having a vow and dance and party celebration and you want to be called husband and wife then just hire a celebrant and be official. Kinda pointless for all the other stuff then IMO

I don't really see it as pointless because the symbolic gesture of promising myself to somebody for life is what means something to me and doesnt need a government stamp nor fit in with their definitions so would just feel odd to include that part. It would be like a nonreligious person using vows that included God, I don't really believe in the government defined marriage but I believe in my lifetime with DP.

[Jellyfish]

Being married has always been important to me.

I like that we are legally bound together as our own entity. In everyone's eyes he in mine and I am his. For me I wouldn't enter a business relationship or build a home without a contract so why would I share my life with someone for less.

I take marriage as "till death do us part" though (unless he played up...) and so nothing can come between our relationship.

I'm old fashioned though

Oh I definitely agree that this is a till death decision which is why I spoke of if he leaves as I am committing for life (as is he but obviously I can only vouch for my certainty). I just am not sure I need a contract about it? I feel like the best person to keep us accountable to our promise is ourselves and each other.

[little_O]

Sorry I should have added for me "contract" is a legally recognized promise to eachother.

But I'm also quite religious so that comes into it too for us

[AnyDream]

Why don't you just jump the broom together? That's like a self-declared way to commit yourselves to a marriage without the law being involved.

[MLR1901]

If it the hoo ha party you want, go for it!
For legal reasons, a marriage is generally required, and preferred.
If something was to happen to you, as a decfacto your partner would have a bigger legal battle ahead if needed to fight for your belongings or a medical decision regarding you.
Decfacto is more complicated than a marriage. Marriage is more a legal declaration that you have committed to each other, and legally responsible for each other.
A wedding is the party, a marriage is the legalities.
And the wedding is the most time consuming, expensive part!!!!

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Having recently read the prisoner of heaven I'm really intrigued why you want to avoid the legalities. For things like medical care, schools, after death and any nok events really the piece of paper makes sense.

[meow]

We had a lot of the same thoughts as you and decided to go ahead and have a wedding. For us it was a celebration, a party and a day to gather our closest family and friends together. It was an awesome day. The honeymoon was a great perk. I wanted to be married for some of the reasons you've said- I wanted him to be my 'husband'. Calling him that felt significant. I also wanted the legal perks. We can now travel the world together and we're legally bound together as a unit. It's very helpful. I still VERY much want that for everyone and I strongly support marriage equality but I was very appreciative to be able to have my turn now. I think waiting out of respect is honourable though.

I say just have the wedding. If you don't want everyone to witness the ceremony you could have it earlier in the day at the marriage registry or quietly with a celebrant, and then have the "reception" party later. As a guest I'd feel jibbed because I love seeing the vows But it's your day, your way. You can make the ceremony just a short vow exchange if you want and keep the form signing for in private. However you want to do it!

Create your own day

[Beatrix]

I don't really see it as pointless because the symbolic gesture of promising myself to somebody for life is what means something to me and doesnt need a government stamp nor fit in with their definitions so would just feel odd to include that part. It would be like a nonreligious person using vows that included God, I don't really believe in the government defined marriage but I believe in my lifetime with DP.

Then you wont be husband and wife.. which is what you said you wanted to be called.

I too believe in marriage equality but not god so mine was a civil celebrant ceremony. I believe that a commitment ceremony which is what you have described to me is done in place of when a marriage is not legal (ie. same sex couples which I do believe should be allowed to be married but thats a whole other thread)

I just also think if you want to be called husband and wife and are going to all the trouble of the celebration and vow exchanging then it would be rather silly to not do the legal part to get the husband and wife title.