We Parent Differently

[MamaK]

So, DP & I are two so totally different parents. He parents his kids pretty much opposite to me.
He lets his kids get away with stuff that I think is totally unacceptable - like hitting another child for example.

The oldest gets in trouble for every little thing that happens with the younger ones.

It seems as if DP doesn't discipline them often because it's easier - at least that's how it comes across to me. He has a 4yr old who is a right little brat - but I love him regardless - and he especially gets away with murder!

Last night at his place with all the kids there, I just did not cope and was in a grump all afternoon, evening and this morning.

I realise this is MY issue, but I just can't let it go. His kids are ALWAYS in the kitchen/pantry/fridge and there's food and c**p everywhere in the house.

It's almost as if there are no rules! His house is trashed from the kids - holes in the walls, doors broken, drawings over the walls etc etc.

I'm not perfect but I just can't cope with that! He's a good dad, and he loves his kids, but please tell me how I adjust to this? How do I change my way of thinking so that this doesn't bother me so much?

I'm not in a very tolerable mood atm obviously!

I'm sorry if this came across as righteous and self centered. I'm not saying I'm a better parent - just a different one.

Can this work??

[~clover~]

I assume your partner has his kids part time? I find that anyone who isn't with kids full time is like that. It seems that they just want to forget rules etc and maybe just enjoy their time together?

But I would talk to your partner. Just see how he feels. Yes he parents differently, but the kids still need to learn respect for theirs & other peoples property, at the very least.

Good luck with the 4 year old though... I have one. They're stubborn, pig headed monsters who seem to get a kick out of seeing just how far they can push you... every minute, of every day... Mine hasn't drawn on the walls for a while, but seems to think threatening me with this sort of behaviour is the way to play it when in trouble :/

[MamaK]

Yeah, the kids share their time between Mum & Dad 50/50.

The 4 yr is one of a set of twins - the other 4 yr old is a piece of cake. He's so well mannered - most of the time.

I will have to talk to him I know - but he's stubborn and pig headed too and I don't want him to think I'm saying I'm better - because I know I'm not.

Some rules are variable with my DD - simply due to her Sensory Processing Disorder - and sometimes I just need to react in a different way than I would with any other child - he doesn't get this and I don't want it to seem as if I'm playing favourites. My DD has VERY strict rules about her behaviour and there are consequences when she doesn't follow through. His threats of consequences for his kids are always empty - makes me want to bop him on the nose!! (I don't condone violence!!!)

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Is it your home they're trashing, or just your DP's? If it's your home too, employ a "my house, my rules" stance and treat them like any other child in your home. For example, if Liebling and his mates make a mess, I get everyone to tidy up. Liebs does it on automatic now to avoid me telling his friends to tidy, but they do help him.

If you and your DP live separately, you'll need the chat.

[MamaK]

Yeah it's his house.

But planning a life together means at some point, that will be my life too. I've wanted to say something heaps of times to the kids, but I don't want to 'be that person' and discipline someone else's kids.

It was made worse because one of the older kids had a mate over and this kid was the rudest guest Ive ever met!!

[krysalyss]

As you have very different parenting styles but are planning a life together, you are going to have to reconcile in some way so that you can treat each kid the same. Maybe it would be a good idea to go to a parenting program together like Triple P. That way you can start to come a bit closer together in how you tackle problems, then you can sit down and decide on rules that you both feel comfortable with. You will probably have to both give way in your ideal scenario but some things (like treating people with respect and not hitting etc) you will have to put your foot down as they aren't really up for compromise. You may find that your DP agrees in principle with some of your rules but doesn't know how to enforce them, and in that way a Triple P program will help so you not only have the same rules, but the same strategies. Hope this helps.