DD driving me nuts (long sorry)

[Jazzed]

I seriously need some advice before i go completely crazy.
About a year ago DD then 16 moved out of home without our consent. she constantly fought with her sisters and us and made life completely unbearable there were so many issues involved in a way i was glad she was gone . sounds bad i guess but when it came down to being scared for the safety of my other two kids i feel it was best for them.
She was living with a friend and his family and all seemed to be calming down but she never really bothered with us only when she needed money or a lift.
6 months ago she moved in with her boyfriend(not that she told us she even had a boyfriend) and a coworker. after 2 months fights started with the other girl they where living with and threats were made by the girls parents and DD kept getting us involved.
She ended up wanting us to get a bigger house so she and bf could move in with us.
So stupid us moved from our house just for them as our leases ended within a week of each other.
I had no idea at the time i was pregnant , but i must having been thinking crazy , because i regret this so much .
So we get a bigger house which is costing us and extra $105 a week from what we where paying , and got a larger data plan for the internet so they have unlimited d/l and packed and moved all of thier stuff for them while they were at work plus organised carpet cleaners etc and did all the exiting clean of thier house as well as our own.
The move put us in quite a bit of debt to say the least , and they didnt contribute any money to it at all .
Before we moved we told them rent/board would be $100 each a week as we would buy and prepare all meals all they have to do is keep thier granny flat tidy and wash thier own clothes,they agreed that was a good deal as they didnt have to buy food , pay electricity or phone etc and they would save money.We had only a couple of rules and one was not having people over without asking and keeping things tidy.
So problem is they dont do anything i washed all their clothes two weeks after we moved , over twenty loads.
They have friends over every friday and saturday , and have a party , lots of alchohol.
They leave all the lights on 6 in total 24 hours a day and a big oil heater, plus they have strated to wash clothes only what they need and put it in the dryer for the full cycle.
We have asked them repeatedly to turn lights of and not use the dryer only if its raining or if they need something in a hurry , we try to conserve on all eletrical and water usage.
Biggest thing that irritates me is she got a kitten before we moved after i said not too, because at that time she didnt know where she was going to move too. So you guessed it i know have a cat to look after that i dont want . i feed it every meal she hasnt once since we have been here and buy all of its food and kitty litter , hubby changes the kitty litter because she wont .
And to top it all off DH told her to get off her but and clean up today (example of how grotty they are is they have to pull the wheelie bin up to the door when we have an open house), because we have an open house tomorrow, unfortunetly the house we moved into got put on the market 2 weeks after we move in.
So yeah im kind of totally losing it here and dont know what to do ,i really need some advice and if you have read all this i thank you for your time.
PS its 10:16 pm and she has just turned up with 4 more friends and there is allready someone here , plus they have dozens of bottles of mixed alchol.

[Lisa]

Wow! What a predicament!
I have no advice for you... I really just hope that your daughter starts using her head and treating you and your home a lot better than what she is right now.
I hope things settle down for you soon.
Hugs

[~clover~]

OK.
Are you willing to kick them out? At their age the mates around on a weekend is something they won't want to stop. Would you rather she is close to you so you know she's OK, or do you want her gone again.
Are they paying their way??
All I can suggest is that you tell them to pick up their act, or move out. If they don't want to go, they won't really have a choice if you go - if your house gets sold.
I don't really know what else to say. Are they both working & going to work every day? If they are & are paying their way, I have to tell you that they aren't too bad.
DH & I moved into the caravan at the back of my mum's place when I was about the same age. I wasn't working - I made a half hearted attempt to do a TAFE course to keep mum off my back, & DH went to work when he felt like it. We didn't really pay our way. We didn't really have people over though either. I think we were too wrapped up in each other.
I think if they are at least doing those things you aren't doing too bad. They are showing a bit of responsibility. I know leaving on the lights on & using the dryer is a pain, but it could be worse.
Are you getting along better with her?
Maybe you could give them 4 weeks too pick it up - they will have to learn to do these things themselves anyway. Then maybe start by telling them they'll have to start paying the bills, or doing their own cooking if things don't change.

Good luck. I really hope you can work this out.

[casscart]

Jazzed,

From what I've read you sound like a very loving mother with a very big heart. It must be tearing you apart your dd behaving like that when you are trying so hard to help them.

Teenagers are so hard to talk to in my opinion, they all think they know better at that age, I remember, I thought I was so right all the time at that age.

Just remember to tell yourself that you are not the bad guy and what ever you decide to do, if thats to have a talk to them and tell them your serious and things have to change, or its to kick them both out, you always finish off with the words 'I Love you'. One day when shes a lot more mature, she will hopefully remember that you said that and relies how she was behaving was wrong. I am dreading the day my two girls grow up and become teenagers. Someone gave me great advice one day and that was, we arn't here just to be our children's friends, we are here to teach and guide them, so one day when they are old enough to go out in the big-scary-world they will be ready.

[Jazzed]

Thanks for the words ladies , it doesnt seem to matter what we do for her she never appreciates it being the oldest she has allways gotten to do everything first like go to sleepovers , parties etc before her little sisters.

I dont think that DH and i are asking too much of them , but she makes us feel like we do.

They have been pretty good on paying the rent till recently , she actually pays hers by automatic electronic transfer .But she asks to borrow money all the time and owes us hundreds.

We cant afford to live here by ourselves at the moment , because we are in some serious debt from moving . But with the amount she borrows it probably wouldnt make much difference.

By the way DD and her BF get more per week than we do , i get a part pension because i have serious back problems and DH has a fairly low paid job .

So after moving out of home when i was 16 and PG with her and having to do it very tough DH and dont really appreciate getting this sort of treatment .

Casscart my other 2 girls 15 and 14 are nothing like thier sister , even though they have all been raised the same .
They are getting really sick of her as well because she acts so childish and irrisponsible, so hopefully yours might turn out to be good girls

Our lease is up in 3 months so i am really looking forward to moving and getting our lives back , i decided a while ago i dont want them to move with us , my sanity couldnt stand it . And we told them that with the baby we probably wouldnt be able to get a house big enough for all of us so they should make other arrangements. I just dont think i can wait till then . You really have to be here to understand what things are like.

[Nadine216]

I am the last person to tell you what to do ... don't have grown kids

Please don't take this the wrong way, I don't mean to be rude and I am not judging you. If I were in the same spot as you ... this might be my reaction (like I said .. not grown kids ... yet)

Don't do their washing for starters, no rent paid = no food, if the party gets rowdy - call the cops (what are the legal drinking age???) That sounds awfull, but that is life. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. HELL yes, Cassandra, we are not our suppose to be our kids friends, we are their parents, loving, caring, guiding PARENTS!!

It seems like atm they are spunging on you and your generosity and it's not going to stop, unless you put your foot down and "force" them to take responsibility for their own actions. Ppl only take advantage of you, when you allow them.

Kick them out, don't kick them out ... it's your choice, but you have to start "laying down the law"

I really hope she cleans up her act, it's hard to grow up and its probably harder to see your kids grow up. All the best, hun.

[Nai]

Jazzed, if she is paying rent that is great. However, I wouldn't be lending her any money if you can't afford it especially if she actually does earn more than you do! Perhaps you can charge her extra for the electricity and oil if they are having these on constantly. I think the only time I really leant the value of these things was when I actually had to pay for them myself Also if she can't borrow the money from you she will probably have less to spend on alcohol and fun.

As for the washing I think they are purposely doing this to try and get you to do thier washing. You can choose to do this or come down hard and ban the use of the clothes dryer - or charge them to use it like a laudromat.

Although it was a long time ago I do remember how selfish and self centred I was as a teenager and how I made my mum's life pretty much hell. I really only learnt to appreciate a lot of things once I moved out of home and had to fend for myself.

I hope you can work things out soon.

[HotI]

Does their granny flat have its own power supply? If they are using excess power and having lights on late at night because they have friends over (that they haven't checked with you if it is ok to have over), turn the power off.

They may choose to sit and drink in the dark. That is their choice, but you shouldn't have to be paying for their excessive use especially if they getting more cash than you. In the real world, if you don't pay it gets cuts off.

Same with the dryer, if its not necessary don't allow them to use it. They will start to think about washing stuff so it has time to dry.

This is tough love stuff, but it won't hurt them. And will prepare them more for when they are out on their own.

Just as an aside, is your daughter covered contraceptively? It sounds like they aren't looking after themselves, you don't want to add another kid into the mix.

Take care,

K

[Jazzed]

Does their granny flat have its own power supply? If they are using excess power and having lights on late at night because they have friends over (that they haven't checked with you if it is ok to have over), turn the power off.

They may choose to sit and drink in the dark. That is their choice, but you shouldn't have to be paying for their excessive use especially if they getting more cash than you. In the real world, if you don't pay it gets cuts off.

Same with the dryer, if its not necessary don't allow them to use it. They will start to think about washing stuff so it has time to dry.

This is tough love stuff, but it won't hurt them. And will prepare them more for when they are out on their own.

Just as an aside, is your daughter covered contraceptively? It sounds like they aren't looking after themselves, you don't want to add another kid into the mix.

Take care,

K

Hi kate,
I was thinking about cutting the power last night but then i know she will just come up and chuck a tantrum so i didnt , today they will be getting a talking to when she gets back from work.

And yeah she takes precautions , because she doesnt even want kids because she knows she couldnt party and do the stuff she does.

I just dont know how to get through to her about the things that she does drives us crazy .

Jazzed, if she is paying rent that is great. However, I wouldn't be lending her any money if you can't afford it especially if she actually does earn more than you do! Perhaps you can charge her extra for the electricity and oil if they are having these on constantly. I think the only time I really leant the value of these things was when I actually had to pay for them myself Also if she can't borrow the money from you she will probably have less to spend on alcohol and fun.

As for the washing I think they are purposely doing this to try and get you to do thier washing. You can choose to do this or come down hard and ban the use of the clothes dryer - or charge them to use it like a laudromat.

Although it was a long time ago I do remember how selfish and self centred I was as a teenager and how I made my mum's life pretty much hell. I really only learnt to appreciate a lot of things once I moved out of home and had to fend for myself.

I hope you can work things out soon.

Hi Nai
The thing is they do know how much things cost as they were living in a house together and paying the bills before they moved in .

And we warned them weeks ago if they kept leaving lights on 24 hours a day , using the heater and the dryer they would be paying the excess and she said no its included in the rent/board. I had explained that fair use is covered not excessive use, but that doesnt bother her.

In the future i will be making sure we dont have any money in the house for her to borrow , i usually only have $50 on me for the week anyway to cover fuel , milk and bread etc. But she will ask to borrow it and give it back within days , but she never does.

I am the last person to tell you what to do ... don't have grown kids

Please don't take this the wrong way, I don't mean to be rude and I am not judging you. If I were in the same spot as you ... this might be my reaction (like I said .. not grown kids ... yet)

Don't do their washing for starters, no rent paid = no food, if the party gets rowdy - call the cops (what are the legal drinking age???) That sounds awfull, but that is life. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. HELL yes, Cassandra, we are not our suppose to be our kids friends, we are their parents, loving, caring, guiding PARENTS!!

It seems like atm they are spunging on you and your generosity and it's not going to stop, unless you put your foot down and "force" them to take responsibility for their own actions. Ppl only take advantage of you, when you allow them.

Kick them out, don't kick them out ... it's your choice, but you have to start "laying down the law"

I really hope she cleans up her act, it's hard to grow up and its probably harder to see your kids grow up. All the best, hun.

Hi Nadine

I never expected her to grow up and be this much trouble , but she is .
She could be worse , but she is bad enough to live with as it is.
As for kicking them out , its not something i really want to do but will if they dont wake up we will for our own sanity.

We were meant to be all living together long term so we could all save some money and they had a permanent roof over thier heads and didnt have to worry about having all the responsibility of renting and paying all the bills on thier own ,
I would have loved to have the setup that they have , but they dont seem to appreciate it.

[Nadine216]

I don't think anybody expect their children to turn out "bad", and yeah it could be worse.

I really feel for your situation, good luck working things out with her.

[HotI]

Hi Jazzed

Were you able to talk to her?

It's hard when it seems like there is one thing after the other. Is during the week a bit quieter? Would you be able to take her out for a coffee and a chat. Maybe even bring up that you thought about turning the power off the other night when they were doing ...., you don't want to cos you want them to be comfortable too. But at the moment, you are finding it hard to be comfortable in your own house, and so if things don't calm down you might have to take some of the actions.

This way you might be able to come to some solutions that work for both of you, and if you don't they have been pre-warned that you might turn the power off or do x, y or z and when it happens (hopefully) they might think for a little and realise that it is their actions that have caused the thing to happen. Might reduce the tantrum, or delay it a little bit.

Good luck,

kate

[Kitt3n]

What a brat.

May i ask, how old is she now? If she is younger than 18 and you kick her out this could have nasty ramifications for you - cops visiting etc.

But its certainly what i would do!

Lock the house - her house is the granny flat - your house is the house. She shouldnt have access to this and vice versa you then wont have access to her granny flat. Did you guys put her on the lease or is it just in your names? I'd be adding her to the lease as a sub let of the granny flat asap, and ensuring her electricity is a seperate supply if you can.

If she is a big enough girl to "move out" and live with her BF then she is a big enough girl to take care of the simple issues that come along with moving out..... including getting her own washing machine (and doing the washing!!), dryer and internet!!!

I know you love your daughter but you are not doing you or her any favours by allowing them to sponge off you and your DH. Different story if she respected you, but obvioulsy she doesnt hun.

[Lulu]

Stop lending her money, stop doing her washing and if she comes home with a bunch of friends and alcohol ask them all to leave.

Its your house, she is still a child under your roof (I dont care if she pays bills or not). Either she lives by your rules or she leaves. Its because you are trying to avoid her tanties that she behaves this way - because she can.

She is acting like a 10year old with too much pocket money, you have to pull her into line. Yes it's tiring but the consequences of NOT doing this will be far worse. She still needs to be mothered and shown the right way to get on in life, she needs you to show her how to do it herself, not you do it for her. Thank goodness your lease is up soon....

GL

[Marlene]

I totally agree with LUlu, you need to put your foot down, it is the best thing for both of you.

I have found out the hard way that you need to be tough with disrespectful teenagers.

My DD15 was caught sneaking out from a friends house (where there was a slumber party) and was picked up from a local park in the middle of the night by her friends mother drunk with a whole bunch of teenagers. When they brought her home I'm sure she was still half drunk and we got into a huge fight, she was adamant she had done nothing wrong as all her friends were doing it
Anyway, to cut to the chase, she ended up running away to another friends house. She ended up texting me at the end of the day and telling me that she was coming home, and I told her she will only be welcome back if she is prepared to live by MY rules while living im MY house! When she turned up home that afternoon I had packed every item of her clothing and all her personal items from her room and had them stacked at the front door. The look on her face was PRICELESS!! I told her unless she was willing to live by the rules of the house and show respect to myself and my husband she could take her stuff and find somewhere else to live. She decided to stay, and spent hours unpacking her stuff (whiuch gave her time to think about what she had done) and I'm sure she must have had to deal with a hangover aswell, although she would never admit it, LOL.
Of course she still had tantrums, especially as she was banned from staying overnight anywhere for months! But, her tantrums were nowhere near as bad as they used to be, as she knew she would not get her own way just because I found it easier to give in than deal with her fits!!

Sorry to make this a "me" post but I just want people to realise (as I have) that sometimes it is a LOT harder to deal with the tantrums than let your child have their own way, but it is worth it in the end as they realise where the boundaries are. Miss15 knows that if she ever displays the abusive behviour that she used to towards me, she will have to find somewhere else to live!

I hope things work out for your family, be firm and stick to your guns.
Hard but fair is my motto.

By the way, miss 13 was raised in the same house, by the same people, in the exact same way, with the same rules and she is a wonderful person that woul dnever act like miss 15 does. So, don't blame yourself for her behaviour. Be firm!!

[squidipa]

heres my advice ,
Ive been there done that been that kid seen that kid, altho i was not working. Had no money to blow but i had the party's and mom couldnt stop me. But at a much younger age. Poor home life i had and no role models, was on streets at age of 13 and grew up real fast i am married with 3 kids and another on way we live a humble life now and are very happy. Im sorry to say it "tough love" is the answer Unfortunatly, if they get into drugs it can just continue. All i had to do was look at my two eldest siblings and see what drugs did to them and i shaped up real quick, that was not the life i wanted.
My eldest sister even now has not changed her ways at age 32. We didnt have tough love at home nor a mother whom was capable like you. You sound like a VERY caring loving devoted mother WELL DONE!
You need to put your foot down NO FOOD if they dont pay rent. Take the fuzes out of there granny flat till they pay rent. Put a lock on the laundry door as well! Why should they be getting everything and not contributing. Heres the thing they got it tooo good. Why pay and clean when they can have it all and keep there cash and not lift a finger. If granny flat has its own meter box disconnect it they can pay the reconnection fee. Un fair. They need to learn to live in the real world. In the real world dont pay, you dont get utilities. At the age of 16 i was renting my own apartment and putting myself back through school. Its possible for them to change but they need a reality grip.

Your doing a great job! This in no way shape or form reflects on you we all have choices and those two are making theirs. Im proud of you for asking for advice and being bold enough to do so WELL DONE!

[SugarDust]

Put your foot down chicky!

I was once a rebel child and ran away heaps when my mum was in hospital! my parent's ended up giving me tough love and i settled down! when i was 18 i moved out with my now fiance and we have been together 6yrs!

Good luck with what ever you do!

We will all be here if you need us!

[Footsteps]

hows ur dd behaving now?? im 20 now moved out of home at 15 lived part of the time with my aunty and my then bf...mum tried to stop me btw...5 years later i now live my dp,pay my own bills and realised how how much of b!tch i was...me and mum now have a brilliant relationship (im the one she turns to not my older sis) xxx