How Do I Balance My Needs With DSD's?

[fionas]

DSD (who's 15) lives in the US but lived with us for 8 months last year because she wasn't getting on with her mom.

They are still not getting along and she is now saying that she wants to live here (again). Long, long story but I don't think this is a flash in the pan.

Don't get me wrong, I want her to live with us.

BUT I had just persuaded DP that we should make some repairs to our house so that we can rent it out and then move to another part of Melbourne like Yarraville.

The reason for the move is that we want to have another baby BUT last time I had an unstable pelvis which basically meant I was housebound for six months after the birth. This was exacerbated by the fact that our current house has three BIG steps at the front so is hard to get a pram in and out of. Hard with one baby and an unstable pelvis - will be even more problematic if we have two.

Now, even if I can't get pregnant again (look at my age), the fact that I have lived here for 13 years also makes me want to move somewhere else for a little while. We're in the middle of a hill, which even now makes it hard to get around because it is still a bit hurty for me to walk up hills.

So, I want to move. BUT we need to do some repairs to the house first. We have a bedroom wall with a big crack. On the advice of a building engineer, we took all the plaster off that bedroom wall so now there is just exposed brick in there. Since then the engineer and the builder have been conferring about what actually needs to be done, hence the delay. Even if we get them to get a major hurry on, it will take 6 months to do because we need to get approvals apparently.

So the problem is this. DSD is talking about coming here at Xmas. That makes sense - ready for the next school year (Year 10). But even if we get a major wriggle on, we won't have those repairs done by then which means she would start school here and then we would be moving mid-year once the repairs are done.

This is obviously not fair to have DSD to switch schools mid-year but ... I want to move house!!!!

I feel like I have been through an awful lot this year and moving was my little ray of sunshine and something to look forward to.

I'm gutted because I can't see a way that I can be fair to DSD and to myself.

What do you think?

[Maruschke]

Can you pick a school half way between the two locations? (sorry i dont know the geography)

Let her know she might need to change schools otherwise, and let her make a decision based on that. Good luck with it all!

[fionas]

I love your thinking oscaroscar but I don't think it will work in this case - opposite ends of the city so the CBD would be the centrepoint but I think we'd have catchment issues to contend with (even if there are any public schools in the city).

But I like the way your mind works!

[AnyDream]

Could she wait until the US summer hols and then move over? Have you asked how she would feel about that?

Otherwise, I'd suggest shopping for a good school in the area where you are hoping to move to. Then if she starts at that school (even if she has to bus/tram for a few months) then it's an impetus to get the house finished and the moving plans underway! kwim?

She's 15 and willing to uproot enough to change countries, the school thing is just another little bit of instability in amongst other big instabilities. Of course it's offset by being a (hopefully) more harmonious home environment, and all the benefits that flow from that. To put it in perspective I left home and earnt my own living at age 16 then put myself through uni, I'm sure she can handle a bit of to and fro-ing on the bus or a school change!

You could even present her with some options and see which she prefers, eg option a) move out at Christmas and change schools mid year, option b) move out here mid year and start new school then, or option c) move out at Christmas and commute to school until you have moved. You might be surprised at what she picks when faced with that choice.

I don't think you should just decide to not move for the sake of DSD. It's too important for your wellbeing. This is one of those times where you need to put yourself up near the top of the priority list, kwim?

[fionas]

Thanks so much Marydean - presenting her with the options is the most sensible thing to do.

DP had a chat with her today. I thought she may be put out that she wouldn't be going to the same school as she had been the last time she was here for 8 months.

BUT, she's all FOR moving to Yarraville saying "I was a bit over Northcote anyway" ... ahhh the fickleness of teenagers!

Then she started househunting online for us!

So feel much better now and not the most selfish stepmum in the world.

Thanks again for your post - it made SO much sense.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Glad it has all worked out, Fiona, and hope you're all very happy together in Yarraville.

[Janie]

Sounds like you have a good relationship, that's great Fiona. Hope you enjoy Yarraville, it's cool there! (Mind you, I think Northcote is cool too LOL).

[Lulu]

Oh fark, teens make me laugh!!!

Look in the scale of things, I think you and DH come first cos without you there is no family kwim?

At least she knows the score, she might have to move schools and she seems fine with it.

Where is the sage advice of the Post It note when you need it hun??????

[fionas]

I tell ya what though, I still feel guilty because I don't think we'd be doing the right thing by her ie. making her go to a different school than last time. Great, that she's cool about it but still not the right thing to do.

Then I got a bit of a grip and started browsing houses and got excited all over again! Found somewhere that would be PERFECT if we were ready to move now.

[Lulu]

Yes, but is it Post It note enabled?? lol

Will you come and have a drink on sat night with us hun???

[fionas]

I can't Lulu. I still haven't had my eyebrows done and still wear lipstick that makes me look like a clown and you will laugh at me!

No, seriously I would LOVE to (and have been watching that thread believe me) BUT DP is working tomorrow night and it's really hard to plan ahead because he often takes jobs at the last minute (train driver toot toot!).

But I promise that when another get-together is organised I will do my best to arrange things so that I can come.

[Lulu]

*lulu runs to check her eyebrows and screams in horror

[Nai]

Well Fiona - if you do move to Yarraville, you will be just down the road from me As someone who has move from Northcote to the other side of town, I can say that you will really like it over here.

(Nai rushes off to get tweezers and into Myer to get new lipstick for tonight... eek!)

[fionas]

Ooooooh, thanks Nai! We're going to go for a "day trip" there on Monday because it's ages since I went over there and DP still needs a bit of a nudge that it's a good idea. Yeah, I think Northcote and Yarraville are pretty similar and I do want the same sort of vibe and still be close to town. Where would you recommend for lunch that's pram-friendly and nice but not too exxie?

Now, how easy/hard d'you reckon it would be to find a 4br house to rent? Obviously, I've been having a look online but only for the past week and while there's a few out there, it looks like fairly slim pickings. We could make do with a 3br but a 4br would be much better as DP could fill a whole room just with his train 'stuff' and he's a shiftworker too so having a 'spare' bedroom is handy.

[Nai]

I'm in Kensington so about 5 min down the road but probably similar in house styles etc. 4br are going to be slimmer pickings than 3br however you may find that 3br + study could be an option. You could have a sofa bed in the study?

I can't think of the names of places to go for lunch (sorry preggie brain) but there are a few near the Sun Theatre that are larger for prams. Did I mention the theatre has little tables between the seats and sells half bottles of wine that you can take into the movie with you? It's brilliant!

[fionas]

Thanks Nai!

Taking wine in the cinema? Loving it already!