The Jinx

[scooby]

Hi girls i though id share my little story as im sure lots of you will probably feel this way and i think it just helps writing it down.
I was very very upset over the weekend and really couldnt understand why i know hormones are running rament but this was different. After much diliberation and way too many tears i figured it out. I am just over 1 week from my C section yet i havent organised the nursery, havent pulled things out of boxes and only just started to organise a bag for the hospital, instead ive been organising a ski trip for AUgust. I was about 7 monthes before people could tell i was pregnant and i was happy about that, it really wasnt up for discussion. I thought as long as i didnt do all these things there wouldnt be any attachment if things went wrong! I kept using Christmas as my fall back, the " i really cant do anything till i get chrissi over" well now christmas is over i have to get ready and i dont want to, i feel by doing any of this stuff i will "jinx" the pregnancy I think the LTTTC aspect, the ectopic and a traumatic birth with my son( he popped his lung, but for about 2 hours i thought i was losing him) have all contributed to this. In saying all that i already feel so much better for understanding why i was feeling so bad, when i should be totally excited and looking forward to meeting my little girl. So i hope by sharing this "rant" that maybe those of you who feel similar will get to the realisation a little bit quicker than i did and not only that, but family and friends just dont understand, were i think all of us can relate to this on some level. LTTTC and loss makes this a much harder journey and i feel so lucky that i have shared it with the girls in BB.

[Lulu]

Oh Scooby doo

I hope you don't feel silly/mental feeling like this. It seems more natural to be that way rather than skipping along as if nothing was bothering you.

I was exactly the same after an early loss. I didn't tell anyone, only really discussed the preg here - and I couldn't dare think about it on my own. I thought I'd be ok past the first u/s, then 12wks, then 20wks...nope still nothing but fear. I was worried bad thoughts would jinx everything, I had to stay out of the PAML threads in case I read something that would jinx me. I couldn't connect with my tummy at all. In short, I went through so much fear for 9 months that I swore I could never, ever go through it again.

Then she was born....and it was all over.

Its not long now hun. You can pack your bag the night before. Dh can move the boxes out of the room and when you come home you can sit on a beanbag in the nursery and direct DH putting everything where it should be whilst you hold your precious bundle in your arms xoxoxoxoxoxo

Thinking of you.

[scooby]

Thanks Lulu, yes i was thinkin i was abit silly/ mental and comments from friends and family really didnt help!! But once i had that realisation i felt so much better and its really why i wanted to write in here, because im sure i am not alone in having these feelings.
I explained to DH who has been wonderful and said he will set everything up while im in hospital and i have to say its like a weight has been lifted.
we only ever wanted 2 kids so i know this will be my last pregnancy so im still a little annoyed with myself that i havent "enjoyed" it to the fullest IYKWIM. But i do agree once i hold her in my arms i dont think any of it will matter. Thanks again for the reply and your kind thoughts

[Possums]

scooby- dont think you are being silly....it's natural to have fear after your experiences and it's very hard for people outside those experiences to really get it. Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you as you get organised and sending you the best

I too have fear, lots of it...I keep wondering when/if I will truly be able to enjoy this pregnancy...at this point I am thinking perhaps a tiny bit after my first scan next week and then a bit more after the 12 week scan? hope so!

[briggsy's girl]

scooby - that makes perfect sense hun - i had feelings like that and talked them over with DH very early as i am someone that will let anxiety win out for far too long - with his help, i've now done the opposite and embraced this pregnancy in a "this IS going to work" fashion - and am getting organised probably earlier than i thought i would. but i know in myself if i got past a point (having two friends deliver at 24 and 25 weeks in the past 15 months) - i'd freak out and not do anything. at this point, i'm aiming to be semi-ready at those milestones - it's early, but i feel like i need to be JIC. i think i'm trying to reverse-jinx myself - if i'm ready, baby CAN'T decide to surprise me and show up early like those two munchkins!