was going for #2 this year but now i am not so sure again....
our DD is 1. she has had sleep issues right through. we had only decided we were having one up until december last year. we then decided we might try for #2 this year after april sometime. hmmmm.....now i am not so sure.
firstly, DD sleeps ok most nights but sometimes does not settle at night well. secondly, she can be quite demanding some days (but that is ok, just normal behaviour for a toddler and i accept that).
DP is 11 years older and wants them close together. i can't make up my mind whether i want a big gap between them or a close gap.
my gut tells me not to do it but everything else tells me to, especially to give DD a sibling. but will it put me over the edge as some days i can get pretty stressed (maybe it is just the person i am). i love DD with all of my heart and soul and we have a close relationship. i am just not sure i would cope with 2, especially close together.
all of our friends are having another one this year and keep asking when our next one is. even our family members are asking and i feel pressured.
i went to a psychic recently, one i trust and it absolutely magnificant, my whole family have been to her and she is a true medium. she told me i would have a boy next, that he would be no trouble at all! she also said to have them close together as DD will find it harder to accept him if she is older. hmmm....now that is playing on my mind.
anyway, just wanted to vent and get it out.
thanks so much for listening if you got this far...
It is a tough decision but first of all I don't think you should listen to anyone but you and your partner If you believe in mediums that's fine (I don't) but you really need to feel comfortable with the idea. Also it may take a long time for you to conceive so you may start trying in April but not fall pregnant for awhile. I guess that you have to expect from when you start trying that it could be a baby 9 months later!
My other thing is (and I'm no expert with only one kid too!) that when you have the second you learn to cope just like you did with the first. You can't really avoid those tough days and all of my friends who have had second babies have found them to be easier because they know what they are doing and the second baby just fits in more. Of course you don't know what type of kid you will have but that's something you have to deal with!
I still worry now that when with have our second (5 weeks at moment) that Mackenzie continues to sleep fairly well and is not breastfeeding still - oh and I hope she is walking too!! But I don't knwo this so I just have to hope and cope. Her sleeping was the pits just before Xmas and we put our foot down and got her into a nice routine and she's been sleeping through ever since (except for a few hiccups when unwell!!).
Best wishes with your decision - it is tough. Ia gree there are positives and negatives for having close and far apart so don't stress too much about that.
Bindy as you know my 2 are 18 months apart, and some days I feel like my head is going to explode as they can wear me out so quickly, the first 6 months or so were the toughest time in my entire life and some days I really wondered if I had done the right thing having them close together.
However, having said that if I had my time over I dont think I would do anything differently, because now that Liam is 1 and Tori is heading towards 3, life gets easier (or maybe just different) every day. My 2 love each other so much, and I am excited for them to grow up together and have each other, they are just starting to learn to play together as well.
At the end of the day though, you have to do what is right for you and DP and DD, no one else gets to have a say on if and when you have more children. I honestly dont think that there is a perfect age gap, each gap comes with it own set of difficulties and challenges- I guess it comes down to picking the difficulties and challenges that you think you will cope with the best.
FWIW- i think you are a wonderful mother, and whether you have 1 or 100 children they will be lucky to be part of your family no matter what the age gap is.
I wasn't even out of hospital before I was getting asked when the next one is! And it didn't stop until about a month before I fell PG with DD. If you aren't sure then the best bet is to wait a bit, even if its only a couple of months. Your DD is still young and is at a demanding age. As far as coping with 2, I was so scared I wouldn't be able to handle 2 because DS is very demanding at times and throws tantrums etc (not all the time) but its really not as hard as I expected.....some days are but kids can't be perfect all the time I guess
Can you and your DP come to a comprimise? Do you still want a 2nd baby but with a larger gap or your not sure if you want a 2nd at all? There are pros and cons with close age gaps and large gaps, so really its between you and your DP and when your ready. I'd be telling everyone else that your not having anymore, it might get them off you back (hopefully anyway!). Good luck, I hope you can work it out
Jordie, I am psychic and have been for many years, since a young child. I respect other people's choices in what they believe but I do not feel anything when it comes to this, which is strange for me! Fell first go last time but it doesn't mean it will happen this time! There are pros and cons aren't there....
Ali, thanks so much for your kind words, love ya heaps girl
Tannis, yes I should do that, tell them there are no more coming! Pressure pressure pressure, hehehehe. DP and I are very close and talk openly about things. I guess he doesn't want to be too "old" IYKWIM. But in saying that, if I wasn't ready, there is no pressure from him, he is just the best DP and father
Yes well I just feel pressured with everyone, not really going to do it because they say to! Just a bit anxious about it all. My gut tells me not to try at the moment. I bet it changes in 6 months time!
I say go with your gut chickie. Having 2 close together is hard, and stressful sometimes - and I got an easy baby the second time round!! But its getting easier (I agree with Ali about the after 6 months it gets easier) and I love to see the kids interact - its so cute how DS does a silly dance just to make DD laugh.
At first I regretted having them so close together - DS has sleeping issues too, but they are getting better now that we have dropped the day nap - but now - its getting really fun!!
Starting to think about when I'll go for number 3 - could be sooner rather than later
Good luck with what ever you decide. Do what you think is best, don't let people pressure you into having a baby that THEY won't be helping to take care of.
Queenbee, we started trying for #2 when Darcy was 6 months old, but the universe had other plans. When she was 2 and I had just lost a bub I decided for 'us' that I wasn't doing that again and we weren't having anymore - besides becasue it was taking so long we had already been telling people that for months to get them to leave us alone.
However, someone of a higher power decided otherwise and i have 5 weeks to go before number 2 arrives.
Like you I have an extremely demanding child. She sleeps badly but hey at nealry 3 I'm just used to it now, she's not going to be small forever I figure. As she gets older I'm now more worried about how she'll settle than a new baby who will be extremely meldable.
BUT she is at an age where she understands stuff more and is able to help me. She's TT.
So with all that waffle - I went from wanting a small age gap, to not wanting more than one to being glad that there is a larger age gap. We're even planning to have the 4 we originally thought we would have.
Sometimes things have a way of working themselves out, even when they aren't how we've planned or imagined it to the enth degree.
I'll speak from a gap perspective. DD1 was 7.5 when DD2 was born and it was good. However, DD2 is now 3 and DD1 is 10 and Im finding it REALLY difficult at the moment. They are always fighting, and DD2's sleep routine (which has ALWAYS been fantastic) has gone OUT the window. I would definitely NOT wait if these are your reasons. I am really really not sure how Im going to cope.
It could be school hols and they're driving each other nuts, but I have found it's been getting more difficult.DD2 has become the most assertive and strong minded child I've ever met. I can't help think that a new baby is going to be the hardest thing ever.
so don't worry about gaps, I dont' think anyone can ever know in advance how they'll be.....
The way I made my choice is regret. I really weighed up if I didn't have another one, would I regret that and the answer was yes big time.
good luck with your decision xo
My older two are 29 mths apart. We fell pregnant when DD#1 was 20 months old. I was a bit like your DH - and i wanted them closer together, but my DH as you know is a firefighter and he wanted to study and have completed his Station officers exams....so we had to compromise. Needless to say within the first cycle of him giving us the go-ahead we got a BFP.....looking back now im so grateful for waiting....as a first time mum there were so many things i was unsure of, i was anxious about.....i found i was really, really, really ready by the time #2 did come around....it didnt hit me like a tonne of bricks so to speak..
Pfffttt to what others are saying. When you shut your door at night its YOU that has to deal with how YOU feel. If your not ready yet, thats okay. Enjoy this special time with your DD and maybe make a decision at Easter time or something.....
DS was a difficult baby at best - poor sleeper and silent reflux on meds until he was about 18mths - but we really wanted the kids to be close together so when DS started to drop feeds at about 10 months we started ttc. Ttc w Jake was first cycle success, but was also after a 4 month hiatus post partial molar pg treatment, but this time it took us ages. We had an early mc and things just weren't happening. I honestly feel it was a combo of stress and the fact that I was working too hard, not looking after myself too well and my body just wouldn't have coped there and then. We finally got an appt to see a fertility specialist, with a 4-5week wait, and the day before our appt we got a BFP.
SO I guess what I can say drawing from our experience that no matter how hard you plan sometimes the universe, your body everything else works together when it is the RIGHT time for it to happen, not when the time is right for you to make it happen IYKWIM.
Queenbee, I have 21 months between my youngest 2 and some days I want to pull my hair out. The toddler is hell on legs and will get into everything and is high maintenance but luckily this bub is very good and quiet. I wouldn't trade in my DD toddler but some days I would give her away lol. If she had been my 1st ever baby then maybe she would have been an only child heheheheh. Saying all this, I would still have them closer together. They are wonderful together and she loves her little sister so much (smothers her in kisses - literally). I am looking forward to seeing them grow up together.
However only you will know when the time is right to add to your family.
I can only tell you what we did - DS was a horrible sleeper - did not sleep through the night for the first time until he was 18 months old (when I was first pregnant with DD!) This was when he dropped all day sleeps and went into a big boy's bed.
But we wanted them close together and we figured that we were in the thick of it and we want 3 or 4 so...let's just keep going...and that DS would do a lot of growing up in the 9 months. The age gap is very important to me, there were big gaps between me and my siblings and I decided from a very young age that when I had babies they would be closer together.
I was incredibly worried about DS was going to go...so used to having Mummy's exclusive and undivided attention and concerned about the lack of sleep if Number Two was going to be like DS.
Well, DD is a complete sweetheart. She is just starting to sleep through the night now and DS still winds up in our bed nearly every night!! And I made sure DS got one on one time whenever DD was asleep in the early days and if he was ever interested in what she was doing or wanted to hold her we encouraged that without forcing her on him. He now loves to see her in the morning, gives her hugs and kisses off his own bat, wants her to come along whenever we go anywhere. It truly has not been nearly as bad as I was envisioning. Not easy by any means, I do get quite tired, but I am already ready to contemplate a third, which I would not have expected so early on.
And I say this as a believer...re your lack of psychic feelings - maybe there are some things we are not meant to know. But don't let yourself be pressured into something...it worked out great for me fortunately but I chose according to my priorities and that was the age gap over my comfort - I gambled on short term pain for long term gain!
I think there are pro's and con's for having a big age gap and the same goes for a small age gap and what may be right for one person may not be right for you. Ultimately whatever decision you make it will be the right one and you will get through the tough times which I guess when I think about it come with a close age gap and also a large age gap - they come with parenting full stop!
This my story and hopefully it helps you make the decision that is right for you and your DH and gives you a perspective on close age gaps. My three are quite close in age. I had the three of them in just under three years and whilst I wouldnt change any of them (love them to bits) - if I had known what I do now I would have waited for a bigger gap between them.
The gap of nearly three years (one months short of three years) between my DS1 and DD seems to work really well. DS1 was old enough to have some independence and was quite "into" his sister when she was born and still is now.
Where as DS2 was only 14 months when DD was born and was still very much a baby himself but he had to grow up very quickly (for which I feel so so so guilty about)!
I guess (for me) I wish I had more time to spend with each of them rather than running around like a crazy woman - again for me the close age gaps has meant a lot of work and hard times but I keep telling myself it will all be worth it when we get out of this baby/toddler stage.
Dont get me wrong I love seeing them playing together and doing things together but the close age gap has taken away some of the enjoyment of parenting (for me).
Good luck with your decision - whatever you decide it will be the right decision.
Now that I have typed this post I think I may have responded to you re this issue in another thread so sorry if you have heard all this before from me .
Jem
This is a tough one hun. I've read the thread a couple of times and not been sure what to write. I'm still not LOL!!
I wanted two close together, partly due to my age. DS1 was 11 months when I fell pg with DS2, which was pretty much what I had been hoping for - it would have been a 21 month gap but actually turned out to be 20 months as DS2 arrived early. When I fell pg, and for 3/4 of my pg, DS1 was not sleeping well at night at all. We in fact ended up in sleep school but ironically he started sleeping well the first night there and continued to do so. So luckily, for the last couple of months of the pg he was very easy.
Then DS2 arrived unexpectedly early. I wasn't ready for him to be early, and TBH it was hard from the beginning with him. DS1 had started off as an easy baby, sleeping through from 6 weeks (until it fell apart at 7 months LOL!). DS2 had colic and screamed 24/7 for 12 weeks. The first few months, to be totally honest with you, were very, very tough. Most of it is a blur now, but I remember exhaustion, fatigue, despair, anger, lots and lots of tears.
Then that settled down and there were another few months where it was easier, but still challenging. I found it hard to get out most days as DS1 would go down for his day sleep just as DS2 woke from his morning sleep, then just as DS1 was waking, DS2 would fall asleep again. Then there were days when between the two of them, all they seemed to do was poo LOL!
Then suddenly it was much easier. And it still is. They are close in age so they get along really well. They entertain each other, DS1 helps DS2 all the time, and DS2 has learnt self-care tasks such much more easily. They hold hands when we are walking anywhere, or in the car. When DS2 isn't understanding me or listening to me, DS1 will say the same thing and DS2 will understand straight away. Some nights they sleep in the same bed. I love watching them together.
So I am really glad they are close in age. DS1 has never had any jealousy about having a new baby in the house. They get along well. It has all worked out really well. So I do think it's something you should consider, as I can definitely see the benefits. But I also have to warn you that it well could be harder than you imagine at first so you also need to consider that.
I really don't know what else to say to you. It's a decision that only you can make. I hope this has helped somewhat, and that you get what you want. Whatever that may be LOL!!
was going for #2 this year but now i am not so sure again....
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But don't let yourself be pressured into something...it worked out great for me fortunately but I chose according to my priorities and that was the age gap over my comfort - I gambled on short term pain for long term gain!
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