I have never posted before but am at a loss and need to reach out somehow.

10 weeks ago my waters broke at 22w5d and after nearly a week in hospital trying to make it to 24 weeks i went into labour at 23w3d and gave birth to a beautiful baby girl that my husband and i named Bella. We went into the delivery ward knowing that we wouldn't be leaving with her. She managed to survive for nearly two precious hours in which my husband and i held her close and told her how much she was loved.

Time has flown past and while my husband has now returned to work this week i am at home alone wondering how on earth i am meant to get through every day without falling to pieces. I have a 2 year old son who is in full time childcare and a 16 year old daughter at college. We have had to move in with my mother in law for both financial and emotional support as we previously lived out of town. My husbands work is not supportive and he is incredibly stressed, I am trying to make things as easy as possible for him otherwise. He has been an amazing support and i am honestly a little lost without him here with me through the day. i am trying to keep busy and not think about it and trying not to be a drain on him.

I feel like the world has continued to revolve without me. I feel like I am a leper as all of my family and friends have seemed to forgotten that i exist. I know that people dont know what to say but it would be better if they just said hello then no contact at all. I feel like everyone has forgotten the fact that i had a baby that i cannot hold or have with me, its like she never was, when every breathe that i take leaves me feeling hollow and bereft. I need something to hold, i need Bella.

We have been to SIDS counseling and they have been wonderful but it doesnt stop this ache that i have inside of me that i cannot talk to anyone that i know about. I need to know that somehow i will get through this, i need to know that it can be survived because right now i just dont want to be here as it is all just too hard. When people ask me how i am i want to answer 'terrible thanks' but i cant because it seems people dont really want to know. I hate that everything is normal, i dont feel normal. I need to know that someone out there has been through this before and that they are now ok. I need some hope.............