I can honestly relate to a lot of what you are feeling right now. Except it is my sister. I know it is different as i do have a Daughter but my other daughter was born sleeping too. It is really hard to explain my situation without going into a lot of detail but I wanted to be the one with the girl i wanted her to have another boy so that she didnt have a "perfect" little family. I know that it sounds bad when you type it. but i hope you know that you are not the only one that feels it and you shouldn't feel bad about it either. Just remember you still have very raw wounds and things will be painful, you will still have spiteful feelings towards people that have what you are missing and it is all completely normal. Just do what you feel you need to do to take care of You.