How do I not feel bitter?

[tilygirl]

The Mrs- Thanks for the congratulations, we have everything crossed, the waiting is torturous. I do feel irrational, but I am going to steer clear of DH's family for a bit and just give myself some time for my head to clear.

MummaBear- Thank-you, you are right and it does sound bad when I type it. Thank-you for your support, I do love my SIL, it's so hard to explain why I feel this way. My best friend has just given birth to a much wanted DD after 2 x DS's. I have absolutely no resentment towards her, it is wierd. I think it is to do with my DH's whole family. There is a bit of an attitute that a boy is better in some way, how is it more of an achievement?? I just can't be around that mentality so I am just steering clear for a while.

NaeNae- Yes I am pregnant. This pregnancy has come very close to the loss of Lucy and by surprise and I am terrified. We are waiting for a second scan to confirm if this pregnacy is viable. Our first scan showned only a sac that is also behind on my dates, so unfortunately it doesn't feel like "clearly its really happening for us" in fact we worry that it may never happen for us, but hopefully you are right! I guess I am jealous, they have what I want.. I would like them to be more grateful for what they have though, instead of snapping at each other, arguing over who's turn it is to change there DD's nappy, yelling at each other if they are sick of it being their turn to watch out for DD and then deciding to have another child beacuse "it has to be done".

[skybie]

You wont not feel bitter. some people you'll really struggle with, others you'll be ok with. Regardless of the fact that you're currently pregnant. it doesnt make a difference.
There is no right or wrong way to feel in these kind of situations hun. Just go with what you're feeling, ride it out.
I'm always here to talk if you need to.
I understand where you're coming from completely and i actually have a post on BB virtually saying the same things.
Much love and many hugs xxx

[RockingBaker]

I'm so sorry hun, being an empty arms mum is a horrible experience. I lost my DD 9 months ago and my SIL is pregnant again. It's very hard for me to stomach and she is emotionally abusing me with it (telling me I'm selfish for not asking about it, asking me for help to get an abortion without her husbands knowledge and then asking if I will throw her a baby shower the next day). I have chosen to distance myself and if people can't understand that's their issue. I need to protect my feelings and be allowed to take care of me.

[dory]

Tilygirl - first of all - I hope all goes well with your second scan.... i have my fingers crossed but am worried as your ticker is not showing in your post.....

I can't really say it any better than LionsnBears ( hiya sweetie) and Nae, but I am going to put my spin on it, the next couple of sentences are important. You did not fail, you have not failed. You conceived and nutured your beautiful Lucy and your other wee angels. It was not something that you did or didn't do. She died, and it is a heartbreaking tragedy. You loved her and still do. You are a mumma to an angel baby, and that takes more strength than anyone in your family will ever know. And more love.

Grief is a lifelong journey, I am not sure it gets any easier, but possibly you get more adept at masking how you feel in some social situations and predicting when you're going to need to cry, and mourn and run from the room screaming ( believe me, it can help, perhaps not with the dignity, but it helps your poor wee broken heart). Sometimes it will come from left field. But my blossom, having your BIL and SIL's journey so intertwined with yours, that is not left field. But seriously, that is their journey. Yours is separate and you just do what is right for you. If seeing them etc just is too much for you, than don't do it. It may not always feel that way, but for now it does. Whilst I think it's good to challenge yourself in grief, I also think that you must also protect yourself. This is one of the times to protect yourself. Your grief is still too raw to be confusing yourself in their journey. It's ok to be selfish, and in fact you need to be.

You be who you need to be, not what you had hoped for yourself or what you think others expect. I know that's hard. If they truly have empathy for you and your precious Lucy, then they will understand in time, that you did what you needed to do simply to survive, and not because of anything else. It's ok to feel resentful and angry, and it's often not predicable and rational. I feel the most intense resentment of a former work colleague ( who was a complete biatch to me during the time that my wee angels were born and died) who got pregnant on the first go with twins, and twins who survived. Her pregnancy was two years after my twins died. Before then I never felt resentful towards anyone I knew pregnancy, so it was a surprise at first. But I don't feel bad about it. It is what it is. I suppose though fortunately she is far enough removed that I never had to worry about facing her, so I will never know if I would have said anything about her pregnancy or birth to her face.

I am sorry that your MIL just cries when she sees you and you know that so much goes on in other rooms. Maybe it's better to avoid being there when your BIL and SIL are? At least then you only have to deal with the crying MIL. Who knows why she cries? But at least in her crying you can believe that she is acknowledging your pain and she is acknowledging your precious Lucy. People just don't know what to say or do when your baby dies. So often you the bereaved parent has to lead them about how to respond, and that is just another burden you don't need. I would embrace her tears, and tell her what it's like for you with having to deal with your BIL and SIL. She might get it, she might not, but it's worth a try.

GL. Go gently on yourself, these are tough tough times.

I have left my ticker in this post, intentionally. Not to hurt you, but so that you know that there is hope after loss. Whilst stillbirth has not been my experience to date, my wee angels were born at 22 weeks, 14 weeks, 19 weeks and I had a m/c at 8 weeks. All in a row and all before I was truly blessed with HB. I also wanted to say, I never believed I would be the one who got to bring a baby home. I never imagined I would, but it was my dream, so I kept trying. HB's pregnancy was one of the hardest journey's, each day believing it was the end, each day trying valiantly to believe. And I like so many others actively planned for her funeral whilst I was pregnant with her. For me, this current pregnancy is a little easier, as I have some confidence that my body can carry a baby to viability, but at the same time it's much harder, as I am so much more aware of what it means to me to lose a baby, and I have so much less time to ponder my feelings that insomnia regularly strikes and it is in the wee hours of the night that all my fears have to come to the surface. I still plan for the funeral. It's hard to let go of those fears, and really why should I? I don't have a reason why my babies died, except that they were healthy, and it was me and my body who failed them in some way. That is a heavy burden to carry, and even though most of the time I can say I don't blame myself, I suppose deep down I do. I suspect that most baby loss mammas do too.

I hope that soon it's you who's arguing about who has to change the baby's nappy. What a true joy that will be for you.