Sounds very fair to me. She needs to earn your trust back and be helping out in her family before helping others to earn money. Good luck with everything.
Regards,
Dianne
Registered User
Sounds very fair to me. She needs to earn your trust back and be helping out in her family before helping others to earn money. Good luck with everything
Regards,
Dianne
Registered User
Sounds fair to me, I dont see why she should be paid to look after someone elses kids when she cant look after her own half sister.
Registered User
I think it's fair too. If she was in the workforce and did something like that she'd be fired. it's a good lesson you're teaching her Fiona.
Registered User
The thing is, I haven't told DSD that she's banned from looking after other people's kids so there's no real lesson learnt there. I should but there's just been too much going on and there didn't seem any point adding fuel to the fire when it hadn't cropped up before now IYKWIM. Things are quite topsy turvy, DSD is talking about moving out as she doesn't think I want her around and I wanted to discuss all this in family counselling but our appointments have been interrupted by DSD's Easter trip home to the US.
I guess I'm more peed off with my friend for even asking when she knows about how we don't trust DSD AND she knows that this makes life difficult for us.
Registered User
At sixteen, I don't think I'd be banning her from babysitting other people's kids (for a start, it's good experience in being responsible and keeps her in pocket money that you don't have to give her!) but I'd certainly tell people who asked you that you have found her unreliable and untrustworthy. I suspect her offers would dry up pretty quickly! She needs to learn that reputation is important to protect.
I think too that you need to make sure she bears some consequences for not being more supportive at home. Make sure you aren't doing her any favours that you absolutely don't have to: "I'd love to help you out but I am so tired from not getting any assistance from you that I just can't."
From experience, she's at a difficult age to be welcoming a new sibling. At that age they can often regress and start acting up more. There's something very confronting about your mother having another baby when you're just about grown up. I saw a lot of that in my two eldest when they were that age and expecting younger sibs.
Sixteen is such a hard age. They want to be all grown up and independent, but at their very core they know they still need their parents, and they resent that like hell, whilst still expecting you to take care of them like you did when they were little! No real advice on that score except to say, keeping the lines of communication open, being consistent with your boundaries and consequences, and always being prepared to have a laugh will make sure that this will pass as quickly as possible. I was ready to heave my sixteen year old out in the street... nearly three years later and the thought of her moving out makes me weep!
Registered User
...If she is actually teaching the lesson...
I don't have teenagers, so feel free to ignore me! lol But honestly, sounds to me like you are upset and angry and personally I don't like the way you said to your friend when the incident happen that it was "her decision to use DSD again or not" and now you are asking her not to outright.
Your trust issues are not your friends issues to be had or carried. You need to address them with DSD. If you are simply preventing her from working for anyone else because you have issues, I think it send the wrong message to DSD - especially if you haven't informed her you have asked your friend not to ask her to babysit until you feel she can be trusted again.
Appears you need to talk to your friend and work out those issues and work on keeping those issues form your DSD's trust issues iykwim.
Registered User
Limeslice - I think I admitted in my first post that I have issues
Registered User
Sorry Fiona if I wasn't very articulate, I have a 2 year old jumping on me lol.
I was just trying to answer your question "D'you think that's fair or d'you think it's just sour grapes on my part."
Yes, I think it is sour grapes, and no I don't think it is fair if you are not communicating the lesson. I know you acknowledge you have issues - and they are what I was referring to. I think the two issues are beng confused and clouding each other.
I apologise if I spoke out of turn.
Registered User
No worries Limeslice. Absolutely no offence taken.
Registered User
I agree with this. It doesn't sound fair. You are chopping and changing the rules, without warning, all because you are emotional and then you are trying to justify it after the fact to make yourself feel better about doing so.
...If she is actually teaching the lesson...
I don't have teenagers, so feel free to ignore me! lol But honestly, sounds to me like you are upset and angry and personally I don't like the way you said to your friend when the incident happen that it was "her decision to use DSD again or not" and now you are asking her not to outright.
Your trust issues are not your friends issues to be had or carried. You need to address them with DSD. If you are simply preventing her from working for anyone else because you have issues, I think it send the wrong message to DSD - especially if you haven't informed her you have asked your friend not to ask her to babysit until you feel she can be trusted again.
Appears you need to talk to your friend and work out those issues and work on keeping those issues form your DSD's trust issues iykwim.
You are hurt and cranky (understandably) at DSD. If you wanted to make an issue of this, you should have done so at the time. It is not fair to treat her one way after the incident and then change the rules again later on.
You are hurt and cranky at your friend. You are trying to punish your friend, by taking something away from her. And you don't want to feel bad so you are trying to justify it as rational reasonable behaviour. It's not. It is tit-for-tat.
Both of them would have good reason to be p'ed off with you now. But then your aim does seem to be to make them as cranky and hurt as you currently are.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you did say you wanted opinions.
Registered User
The situation only arose yesterday for the first time in three months. The rules have not been discussed in the last three months because the situation hasn't arisen. I don't think that constitutes chopping and changing misty - I would think it's revising the situation based on current circumstances. How many people remember to talk to their kids about the rules for something that may or may not happen? It would be like saying, "if so and so has a party in six months, you can't go because there may be alcohol there." If my friend had contacted DSD directly and arranged her to babysit, I would have just said, "sorry, you can't and here's why." It's not like I'm trying to be covert about it, just that I haven't had the conversation because I can't be arsed addressing something that hadn't yet arisen. Sorry, few other things on.
Anyhow, point taken that I may not be being at my MOST fair and MOST rational but I'm also only human and I think most people would be irked by a friend who knows of your current difficulties, makes no offer to help and doesn't call to see how you're going but DOES call when they want a babysitter fully aware that DSD is not the most reliable. I'm not a saint and that DOES annoy me.
Registered User
I don't see it as punishing the friend at all. Fiona needs to think of her DSD first. If I was that friend I would be ringing Fiona to ask if DSD could do the babysiting and take it from there. I would totally understand the circumstances of Fiona saying no. As she is only 16 I would be checking first with Fiona anyway and not DSD.
Regards,
Dianne
Registered User
I just think that if you are saying she is not able to babysit because of a particular incident, then this should have been mentioned to her at the time. 3months is a LONG time in the world of a teenager.
I agree you have a right to be upset and untrusting of your DSD, but you can decide to suddenly extend/create a punishment for something that happened 3 months ago.
If I made a mistake / done something wrong at work, and I was told immediately what the consequences were - fair enough, I would cop it on the chin. If however three months down the track my boss suddenly decided to slap another punishment down and tell me that it was because of what happened three months ago - I would not be happy....
Registered User
Misty: I feel that was said a bit harshly. Fiona is in a very difficult time emotionally and physically and it's hard to be 100% clearheaded at times like this. I agree that Fiona did ask for an opinion but that doesn't mean it can be said without tact
Fiona: I get where you are coming from. I have depended on my 15yo DD many a time to help with my 2 young boys... especially at times when my Graves disease has flared up. When there is no extended family around this is just what you need to do... and I can completely understand how much it would hurt to have a friend only call on you when they needed the very thing you need yourself! Also raising teenage daughters is so very tricky. Like you said: sometimes you just want to let the dust settle... their emotions truely do rule the entire household... so much more so than a small child's does. I don't blame you for waiting until a particular issue arose before dealing with it.
I would essentially go with your plan. But i would also make an attempt to communicate to both people the reasons why you are struggling and why things have to be the way you have decided. People who do not suffer pain like your pelvic instability often forget that this is a huge and constant issue for you. Also your upcoming auction and relocation are going to be extra huge stresses. Be firm but fair. Their noses might get out of joint but at the end of the day YOU are the most vulnerable one in this equation. I'll be in touch
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks